I (32/f) want to end my 16 year friendship because she (31/f) suggested not exchanging gifts.

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

My apologies for the wall of convoluted, juvenile text.

I’ve (31) known my best friend/childhood (32) for 16 years. Things have been off for between us for months and I’m not sure if I’ve been hypersensitive and reactionary or it’s time to just cut her out of my life.

First recent bump in our friendship: 

1. Said best friend moved this summer to her apartment that she’s renting. She moved a few hours away from her to a major city where all of us are currently living. She wanted to have a house warming but then chose not to have one. She told me that she has been upset because I didn’t get her a gift or a card congratulating her on her apartment. She waited 4.5 months to tell me she had been upset all this time with me. I mentioned that no one else got her anything and asked if she was upset with the others who didn’t get her a gift. She said she wasn’t upset with the others, only me, because she’s known me the longest. In my defense, she had planned for a housewarming, canceled it, then decided to have a brunch with just 4 of us. When she canceled the brunch I asked if she was no longer having the housewarming and she said we’re all meeting at the brunch location instead. 

So, I thought no house warming. I told her that I didn’t care about things like this, but wanted to point out to her that she didn’t get me a housewarming gift and she said she did when the group got me a gift for my birthday months after I had already moved- “it was a combo gift”. I said, again, it’s not that I care about gifts but ask yourself are you holding yourself to the same standard as others and then pointed out how she didn’t visit me in the hospital, didn’t a gift for the other girls when they got promotions, moved, etc. We had an event to go to in a few weeks, so, to smooth things over I got her a gift. We moved on from it, or so I thought.

2. Fast forward a few weeks and we’re at my cousin’s engagement party - I paid for the hotel as I invited her as my guest for a mini girl’s get away. So, my other cousin is there and I’m meeting his long term SO for the first time. She asking me if I’m dating someone and I said sort of (my bf and I are in couples counseling working out our issues which she knew). My best friend jumps in and starts telling my cousin’s girlfriend, “I think she deserves better”. I turn to her puzzled and said, “we’re in counseling and working on things”. Turns to the girlfriend and said, “took him a long time to get there”. The girlfriend said, “well clearly she’s in love” I smile and say, “I am”. My friend turns to me confused and asked, “you’re still in love with him?”. I was furious. After the party I calmly said I’m sure she didn’t mean to be malicious but it seemed like she was taking jabs, it’s my business and my relationship, she was talking to me not you, and you’re discussing my life with a stranger, and that I didn’t appreciate it. She agreed and apologized. 

3. On Monday I send a group texting trying to organize a gift for our mutual good friend’s upcoming birthday (we always do group gifts). I introduced my childhood best friend in the OP to these group of friends 10 years ago so we are all very very close. The birthday girl is also the other friend who didn’t get her a housewarming gift that I was referring to in part 1. Anywho, I sent a text saying I was thinking of having a masseuse come to our mutual friend’s house and asked if they were okay with $30 a piece. One friend had something really bad happen to her so she said that she couldn’t. My childhood friend simply replied with, “No”. 

I called and asked her what she meant - was it too much, didn’t want to do it, had another gift in mind? She said she wanted to focus on herself financially and wasn’t doing any gifts. Cool, understandable, I accepted that. I said well maybe we should stop doing gifts altogether. She said she wouldn’t be offended if we did that. I asked where she got her massage (posted it on her IG) and how much was it because I wanted to get one myself. She said it was off some road and she had a voucher so she didn’t pay. Then she asked how my Christmas was and I asked about her NYE plans and then we got off the phone. I texted her later on asked her the name of the spa so I could book it. She didn’t respond. We kept sending messages in the group over the beach next few days and never even opened it but kept posting online. 

I sent her text asking if she was okay and she said was just going through a “spiritual cleanse and reflecting right now” but she was okay. I told her I’m glad she was okay because I thought she was upset me since she didn’t respond to my text. Then sent a follow up text asking if we were okay though. She said she just didn’t “have the energy to respond” and never addressed my follow up question asking if we were okay. Her energy response and not answering my direct question rubbed me the wrong way so I didn’t respond.

4. Today, in our group chat on Instagram, our friend sent my childhood friend’s repost and asked what she was cooking. I couldn’t see the post which was weird. I was on the phone with our other friend and asked if Instagram had been glitching for her. She said no and said it was odd that I couldn’t see the post. I have a second account for my baking I went to my childhood friend’s IG and she was tagged in stories with one of our male friend. One of us get cooking with him and the other was him holding a Christmas gift and telling her thank you for the gift. I go back to my main account and I can’t see any of the stories from like male fiend, which would explain why I couldn’t see the list that my best friend was tagged in. Maybe I’m being paranoid but I know in my gut that she had him hide his stories from me. Why I don’t know - to hide that she got this particular friend a gift and said no to our friend’s birthday gift? I don’t know what the reason is. Either way, purposely hiding things from me is sneaky and I don’t like it. 

My friendship with her just seems so exhausting, especially at our age. I tried to ask if everything okay was okay with us and got no response then this hiding stuff from me (I’m assuming)? I’m thinking of cutting her off but I don’t know if I’m just being reactionary and dramatic. On the other hand, I have known her for so long and she recently told me she was lonely and I don’t want her to feel more alone.

Not really sure what to do and if I’m overreacting?

Edited January 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Submitted to wrong forum/make title succinct

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

She moved a few hours away from her to a major city where all of us are currently living.

Use this opportunity to allow this to drift into the acquaintance-zone. No need for an abrupt issue or fall out. The distance will help to distance you from this. She seems homesick and catty.

[glows]

It’s extreme cutting anyone out considering you’re in a mutual group of friends. Just lay low and do your own thing. I think you’re reacting to your own feelings of being dismissed or ignored. She hasn’t really done anything to you but complain quite a lot and, really, do you even need that in your life? 

Chat with the others and stop messaging her if things are ok. Take the hint that she doesn’t want to speak with you one on one. Don’t take it personally. 

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s extreme cutting anyone out considering you’re in a mutual group of friends. Just lay low and do your own thing. I think you’re reacting to your own feelings of being dismissed or ignored. She hasn’t really done anything to you but complain quite a lot and, really, do you even need that in your life? 

Chat with the others and stop messaging her if things are ok. Take the hint that she doesn’t want to speak with you one on one. Don’t take it personally. 

Well the mutual friends are people that I introduced her to that’s why I was considering cutting her off. 
 

Yes, she has complained quite a lot but then there’s also the lying and being sneaky.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Well the mutual friends are people that I introduced her to that’s why I was considering cutting her off. 
 

Yes, she has complained quite a lot but then there’s also the lying and being sneaky.

I don’t think it matters who introduced who. They’re individuals so let them choose whom they want to be friendly with or keep in touch with.

It’s no skin off your back. Be friendly with as many as you can and keep things light with the ones you feel you can’t completely open up to (like this one woman). It’s ok for friendships to evolve. 

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I don’t think it matters who introduced who. They’re individuals so let them choose whom they want to be friendly with or keep in touch with.

It’s no skin off your back. Be friendly with as many as you can and keep things light with the ones you feel you can’t completely open up to (like this one woman). It’s ok for friendships to evolve. 

Where are you getting that I’m making my friends choose who to be friends with? Me cutting her off has no bearing on what my other friends choose to do.

[stillafool]

First off I don't believe in housewarming gifts for a rented apartment.  I only buy them for people who are buying their apartment, condo, house, boat.  I don't see a problem with your  friend having a private conversation with her other guy friend that doesn't include you and vice versa.  I think you guys are at a stage where you need a break from each other.  I would suggest to start hanging out with other friends.  Your best friend doesn't sound like a lonely person at all but one who is taking care of herself.  I think she'll be just fine if you take a break from her.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Where are you getting that I’m making my friends choose who to be friends with? Me cutting her off has no bearing on what my other friends choose to do.

Well from this statement it seems that way to me:

 

10 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Well the mutual friends are people that I introduced her to that’s why I was considering cutting her off. 
 

 

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Well from this statement it seems that way to me:

 

 

Yea because the other poster said it would be extreme to cut her off because we have mutual friends. I’m saying yea, I introduced them so they have their own individual relationships outside of me. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Where are you getting that I’m making my friends choose who to be friends with? Me cutting her off has no bearing on what my other friends choose to do.

Distance yourself in a tactful way. There’s no reason to make things worse than they are or more tense. I think you may be reacting to the pressure of having to respond to her but finding that you can’t quite trust her anymore. 

It’s my belief that these things unravel on their own. You’ll eventually go your separate ways if this friendship isn’t mutually respectful or enjoyable for both of you.

[todreaminblue]

Hey dillegent,

I understand your upset, and unsure on whether to stick or break with your friend

 

in my experiences with texts and social media and from what i tell my daughters to do when they have issues with friends is take it personal.

 

Meaning...... talk to the person face to face, to spend time in true transparent communication to form a workable loving reconnection.......not in a group chat but privately one on one.....

 

this is not a quick fix....years of friendship deserves respect and effort in my opinion, others handle things differently and offer you their advice......but this is the advice i give...i believe having totally different perspectives is really helpful to reflect over...take what advice touches your heart

i tell my girls when dealing with personal close relationships, to be honest open and upfront and to listen to what the other friend or person has to say,to listen as much if not more than they talk themselves.......you aren't understanding your friend and your friend is not understanding you...that's an area you can work on to make the decision you need to make for yourself and your friend too what is best for the two of you.........sometimes we have people in our lives for a season or a reason...you coming to what that is..... needs clarity reflection and wisdom to know the way to go..

 

if you throw some love in there....use your heart and mind together.....you will make the choice that is right for you..i wish you well...deb

Edited January 1, 2022 by todreaminblue

[ShyViolet]

She is definitely being immature and petty and it sounds like this friendship is not worth the emotional exhaustion and hassle that it's causing you.  I can't imagine being so petty and selfish that I'd be "upset" with a friend for not getting me a housewarming gift when I'd moved.  I never expect gifts from people like that.  Distance yourself from this friend.  There doesn't necessarily have to be an official "cutting off", just stop extending yourself and stop reaching out to her.

[Noproblem]

so you are willing to end 16 yrs friendship because your friend was sad you didn't bring her a gift and she didn't patriciate when you decided to gift others, but surprise, surprise, not your best friend for her new place?

and yeah, sorry but friends can comment on your choice of lovers, that's part of being friends, to wake you up in case you are with the wrong person or say stuff that you might not agree with!

you are willing to go therapy to fix your relationship with him, but so ready to leave your best friend over tiny stuff!

 

Anyway my advice, just take some time off from each others. You either gonna be friends again or be strangers.

 

No need for the drama!

 

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

My ex and I were rekindling things but then I made a Facebook post and my previous ex commented. Now my current ex has blocked me everywhere.

So my ex, let’s call her A, and I were in the process of rekindling things. Admittedly we’ve had a lot of ups and downs and we had our first couples therapy session a week ago. Last night, I got a little sentimental and texted her that I was ready for *insert the name of our first kid that we had talked about*. Meanwhile, I had posted my new favorite song on my Facebook page.My previous ex, let’s call her B commented on it.

A little background: she’s pregnant and is due next month - not my baby btw. A and I broke up about a year ago and B come over to my house and slept over. B posted her wearing my hoodie and hat that A bought me (we didn’t sleep together just hung out). Well A saw this and understandably was pissed because just a day or two prior A and I had discussed seeing each other and she and she knew that I had dated B previously.

Now, back to currently and the FB post last night - so B commented a line from the song under my post. Then I, stupidly said/replied to B “I hope your baby daddy better not think that he’s the only one but at the end of the day I guess he won” (again she’s pregnant right now). B responded and said, “what baby daddy? This is all me. I won in the end”. Then my best friend commented and put the emojis and a gif of someone eating popcorn as if they’re watching the drama unfold. B replied to my best friend with a gif of a woman smirking.

I wake up to a text this morning from A saying, “actually never mind you can have the kid with B” and sent me the screenshot of the FB post and exchange with B. Now I’m blocked everywhere, even the phone. A and I aren’t even FB friends and I was joking with B.

I know I was stupid but wasn’t this an overreaction? What can I do?

TLDR: ex that I was rekindling with, saw my FB post where other ex and I were talking and now I’m blocked.

Edit: my response to B was not a lyric - those were my words. I never posted any lyrics, only the the thumbnail from of the song from YouTube.

Edited January 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Sun Seeker]

No it was not an overreaction. Why are you even still friends with B on social media, let alone interacting with her, not even mentioning 'hanging out' with her previously. You seem to have 0 respect for A, so she did the right thing to drop you.

[glows]

Don’t do anything but move on.

It seems you already know comments like that in public can be misconstrued. 

“A lot of ups and downs” does not translate to a good idea to reconcile. The ex you were trying to reconcile with clearly had issues with your loyalty and felt you couldn’t be trusted. 

 

 

[clia]

36 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Now, back to currently and the FB post last night - so B commented a line from the song under my post. Then I, stupidly said/replied to B “I hope your baby daddy better not think that he’s the only one but at the end of the day I guess he won” (again she’s pregnant right now). B responded and said, “what baby daddy? This is all me. I won in the end”. Then my best friend commented and put the emojis and a gif of someone eating popcorn as if they’re watching the drama unfold. B replied to my best friend with a gif of a woman smirking.

This sounds like you are involved with or want to be involved with B.  So, no, A did not overreact.  

[smackie9]

Things were so up and down for a reason...you were not meant to be. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

My ex and I were rekindling things but then I made a Facebook post and my previous ex commented. Now my current ex has blocked me everywhere.

 she’s pregnant and is due next month - not my baby. 

You dodged a bullet. How long were you dating and what was the breakup about?

She needs to focus on the child's father and co-parenting, child support, her health, delivery, newborn issues etc.

She's not dating material and you know this. Move forward and block her.

Instead of rekindling with all these exes, just move forward.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Dillegent_wrongdoer]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. How long were you dating and what was the breakup about?

She needs to focus on the child's father and co-parenting, child support, her health, delivery, newborn issues etc.

She's not dating material and you know this. Move forward and block her.

Instead of rekindling with all these exes, just move forward.

The pregnant ex isn’t the one I was trying to rekindle with. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

The pregnant ex isn’t the one I was trying to rekindle with. 

In any case, she deleted you and blocked. Don't 'rekindle with anyone.  You broke up for a reason, so let sleeping dogs lie and move forward.

 Having a series of exes on your social media is a poor way to move forward. Reset all your privacy setting and keep exes off your social media. When you have all this on display for women you wish to date it's a red flag to them.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

What was your intention with this little FB interaction with B?
Did you hope to make A jealous?

BTW which song?

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

Now, back to currently and the FB post last night - so B commented a line from the song under my post. Then I, stupidly said/replied to B “I hope your baby daddy better not think that he’s the only one but at the end of the day I guess he won” (again she’s pregnant right now). B responded and said, “what baby daddy? This is all me. I won in the end”. Then my best friend commented and put the emojis and a gif of someone eating popcorn as if they’re watching the drama unfold. B replied to my best friend with a gif of a woman smirking.

I would have had the same reaction. I guess ex A doesn't want the drama that would obviously ensue considering you still have this inappropriate contact with ex B. Let A go. Lick your wounds and learn from your mistakes. 

[ShyViolet]

No, it was not an overreaction at all.  She was justified, and as far as I'm concerned, good for her.  She got fed up with your immaturity and your drama with your other ex.  I don't know what you were thinking posting that on FB.  It was an incredibly dumb thing to do.  You were obviously not really serious about fixing your relationship with A, and this thoughtless facebook exchange with B showed that.  But now you're experiencing the consequences and you can't change it.  Leave A alone, move on, and make better choices in the future.

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Dillegent_wrongdoer said:

The pregnant ex isn’t the one I was trying to rekindle with. 

Keep going to counseling alone. You need to learn how to act when you are with someone.

you create drama… that’s never going to work in any healthy relationship.