I (32/f) want to end my 16 year friendship because she (31/f) suggested not exchanging gifts.

[Special_news_]

I’ve (31) known my best friend/childhood (32) for 16 years. Things have been off for between us for months and I’m not sure if I’ve been hypersensitive and reactionary or it’s time to just cut her out of my life.

First recent bump in our friendship: 

1. I moved this summer my very first place ever - an apartment in the city. I moved a few hours away from home to a major city where all of us (my girlfriends and I) are currently living. In October I said I was going to have a housewarming. Instead of having people come over I decided to make reservations at a restaurant for brunch as kind of a celebration. I didn’t get anything at the brunch from my best friend but I didn’t say anything at that time. Another month goes by and still nothing, not even a card, so I was pretty hurt, especially because I made a registry so it’s not like this was some surprise to her. So, I finally decide to invite her to dinner so that we could talk. 

I told her that I had been upset because she didn’t get a gift or even a card congratulating me on apartment. She asked if I was upset with our other friends because they didn’t get her a gift either. I told her I wasn’t upset with the others, only her because she’s known me the longest. She said that she didn’t care about things like this, but wanted to point out to me that I didn’t get her a housewarming gift either. I told her we (friend group) got her a combo gift for her birthday. She said, again, it’s not that I care about gifts but ask yourself are you holding yourself to the same standard as others and then pointed out how I didn’t didn’t a gift for the other girls when they got promotions, moved, etc. We had an event to go to in a few weeks, so, I guess she wanted to smooth things over and she got me a gift. We moved on from it, or so I thought.

2. Last Monday she sent a group texting trying to organize a gift for our mutual good friend’s upcoming birthday (we always do group gifts). She introduced me to these group of friends 10 years ago so we are all very very close. The birthday girl is also the other friend who didn’t get me a housewarming gift that I was referring to in part 1. Anywho, she sent a text saying she was thinking of having a masseuse come to our mutual friend’s house and asked we were okay with $30 a piece. One friend had something really bad happen to her so she said that she couldn’t. I replied and said no. 

She called and asked me what I meant by no. She asked was it too much, didn’t want to do it, had another gift in mind? I was honest and told her that I wanted to focus on myself financially and wasn’t doing any gifts. So, she then said well maybe we should stop doing gifts altogether. I told her that I wouldn’t be offended if we did that. She then asked me where I got my massage (posted it on  IG earlier l) and how much was it because she wanted to get one myself. I told her it was off some road and I had a voucher so I didn’t pay. This really rubbed me the wrong way as if she was trying to check on the money I was spending since I told her no to the birthday gift. Then she asked how my Christmas was and I asked about her NYE plans and then we got off the phone. She texted me later and asked for the name of the spa so she could book it. I didn’t respond. That entire exchange really offended me. 

Two days later I got a text asking if I was okay. I told her was just going through a spiritual cleanse and reflecting right now but I was okay. She told me that she was glad that I was okay because she thought I was upset with her since I didn’t respond to her text. Then she sent a follow up text asking if we were okay though. I said she just didn’t have the energy to respond the other day to her asking for the name of the spa.She didn’t respond.

Both she and the friendship with her just seems so exhausting, especially at our age. I’m thinking of cutting her off but I don’t know if I’m just being reactionary. On the other hand, I have known her for so long.

What should I do?

[introverted1]

I don't think I've ever created a registry when I moved to a new apartment or house and I certainly didn't have any expectation that my friends would buy me gifts when I moved.  I think being upset that she did not buy you a gift is unreasonable, especially since none of your other friends bought gifts and you didn't get her one previously, either.

As for the request to chip in on the birthday gift, it seems that this is something your circle does.  If you can't afford it, you should decline, which is what it seems you did.  Hard to know from the facts given whether she was trying to ascertain how much you spent on your massage or if she was genuinely interested in having one herself.  It's possible she also wanted a massage since this was apparently something she was thinking about already, as reflected in her planning to hire a masseuse for the mutual friend's birthday.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt here. 

Overall, I am not seeing what she's done wrong.  If anything, you seem a bit prickly and out of sorts.  Is there more to this story?

[Special_news_]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

I don't think I've ever created a registry when I moved to a new apartment or house and I certainly didn't have any expectation that my friends would buy me gifts when I moved.  I think being upset that she did not buy you a gift is unreasonable, especially since none of your other friends bought gifts and you didn't get her one previously, either.

As for the request to chip in on the birthday gift, it seems that this is something your circle does.  If you can't afford it, you should decline, which is what it seems you did.  Hard to know from the facts given whether she was trying to ascertain how much you spent on your massage or if she was genuinely interested in having one herself.  It's possible she also wanted a massage since this was apparently something she was thinking about already, as reflected in her planning to hire a masseuse for the mutual friend's birthday.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt here. 

Overall, I am not seeing what she's done wrong.  If anything, you seem a bit prickly and out of sorts.  Is there more to this story?

I just feel like she wasn’t being supportive. I made a registry, so why would she disregard that? She managed to get a housewarming gift for our friend (the birthday girl in the OP) when she bought her house. So, why not me? Like I said, not even a card?

Plus, when I had first moved in I was carrying in a case of water with a bag of eggs as well. She didn’t help me and I broke some of my eggs. I told her about this as well and let her know if it was some random person on the street she would’ve helped them but I needed to let her know. So, she just seems selfish.

[ShyViolet]

To be perfectly honest, I 100% feel that YOU are the one being exhausting.  If I was your friend, I would be the one cutting off the friendship with you, because you are being very materialistic, unreasonable and petty.  I would never create a registry for housewarming gifts when I move to a new apartment, and I would most certainly never be upset with a friend for not getting me a gift.  That is just so weird and selfish to me.  

[Special_news_]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

To be perfectly honest, I 100% feel that YOU are the one being exhausting.  If I was your friend, I would be the one cutting off the friendship with you, because you are being very materialistic, unreasonable and petty.  I would never create a registry for housewarming gifts when I move to a new apartment, and I would most certainly never be upset with a friend for not getting me a gift.  That is just so weird and selfish to me.  

How is selfish exactly? I feel like she wasn’t being supportive. I made a registry, so why would she disregard that? She managed to get a housewarming gift for our friend (the birthday girl in the OP) when she bought her house. So, why not me? Like I said, not even a card?

Plus, when I had first moved in I was carrying in a case of water with a bag of eggs as well. She didn’t help me and I broke some of my eggs. I told her about this as well and let her know if it was some random person on the street she would’ve helped them but I needed to let her know. So, she just seems selfish.

[introverted1]

25 minutes ago, Special_news_ said:

 I made a registry, so why would she disregard that? She managed to get a housewarming gift for our friend (the birthday girl in the OP) when she bought her house. So, why not me? Like I said, not even a card?

Making a registry is not a standard thing to do simply because you've moved into a new apartment, especially given your age.  At least, not in the US.  Perhaps you are in a country where this is the norm, although I am guessing this is not the case since none of the friends group bought you a gift.  Buying a gift when someone has purchased a house is different and, although not required, friends will sometimes buy a small housewarming gift in this instance.

Creating a registry does not entitle you to gifts nor require anyone to make purchases from it.

[Special_news_]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Making a registry is not a standard thing to do simply because you've moved into a new apartment, especially given your age.  At least, not in the US.  Perhaps you are in a country where this is the norm, although I am guessing this is not the case since none of the friends group bought you a gift.  Buying a gift when someone has purchased a house is different and, although not required, friends will sometimes buy a small housewarming gift in this instance.

Creating a registry does not entitle you to gifts nor require anyone to make purchases from it.

I’m in the US. I’m not saying creating a registry entitled me to a gift but creating one showed how much this milestone in my life meant to me. For her to not even acknowledge that, not even with a card, made me very upset so how am I wrong in this? Seriously asking.