Unsure of Current Situation, feeling lost.

[Amnesiac93]

Hey everyone, I haven't been on this platform for a long time, i had issued a story many years ago that helped me realise some problems i had with the help of members on this site and the need is here again. This may be quite long but will try my best to keep it brief.

I am currently in a 4.5 year relationship with my girlfriend and moved out earlier last year, after months of renovating a house we purchased we moved in. We are both in our late 20s. 

Before this, we of course had disagreements and arguments but never anything truly threatening. 

Once moved in, our relationship has begun to deteriorate, we have been arguing a lot more and it has turned into shouting matches, this could be over housework, differences in opinion etc. 

I want to try and explain some of these scenarios and my reactions and how I'm feeling in an attempt for you to understand the picture as best as i can. 

I feel over the course of the relationship i have become less confident, i feel that i cant truly open up to my partner due to the way they react or perceive the situation, an example of this is that we have laughs and jokes and of course banter, but sometimes she crosses a line where the joke isn't funny or is taken too far at my expense. My initial reaction to this is 'Please don't say that, i don't appreciate it', instead of an apology from my partner i have been labelled sensitive and been made to feel bad because  'i don't understand her' and 'i should know she means no harm', i have felt the need to apologise due to this and have not received an apology in return, I'm unsure if i am in the wrong in this situation? There are situations that happen recently where i feel her tone is condescending or that her statements she makes and says 'she's joking', if i call them out or react, she says that 'I'm sensitive' and 'she doesn't mean anything by them and i should know this', i then feel bad and doubt my own senses, again I'm unsure on how to feel about this?

Secondly, when we argue it can become heated like probably most couples, my way of dealing with this, is to once the shouting is over give both parties a chance to calm down, then i will approach my partner to discuss the issues, this can take sometime to go over. She complains about this method, saying that these talks 'drain her energy and a part of her dies', when we talk, she can highlight my faults and things i did wrong and i do apologise especially if i have reacted angrily. Similar to the situation above, i never get a chance to really have my say, the words i do manage to get out, if i explain my issues and things from my point of view they're not taken on board, my girlfriend disagrees and doesn't see a problem with them. She will then go full circle and say these talks are just used to say my feelings for 2 hours, when I've had to sit there and listen to criticisms from her point of view, which just isn't true.

I feel in the point above, communication is just non-existent, I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable and partly to blame as over time there are some issues I've bottled up and then it's came out with everything else, i want to highlight though this isn't the case with all my problems i do generally talk and attempt to portray my point of view. 

There are three other examples/issues relating to all of this too provide more context:

A few months ago, we were preparing ourselves for a party we were hosting and my partner needed to go and get shopping from one place and i went to another in an attempt to help and reduce the workload of my partner, my partner had then called me and i explained i grabbed some things and she reacted and said that i should of waited, i said 'I'm sorry, there's some things ive grabbed...' and was in the middle of a conversation and she hung the phone up on me. Once she returned home, the first thing i said was 'do not ever hang up the phone on me again, it's rude and disrespectful' she initially just responded with 'okay', but was frosty with me for the remainder of the evening. The next day a huge row ensued and i was extremely angry and said 'f*** off out of the house then' in the mist of all of it. Again once calmed down, i take responsibility for my actions and what i said, I've apologised and regret what I've said i truly do, i said to my girlfriend that my anger and frustration has came from the phone being hung on me, as well. She now maintains that she didn't hang up the phone on me, that i had misheard even though I'm 99.99% sure, she hangs up the phone to her Mother regular too so is prone to doing it. I just feel that with this denial she's avoiding responsibility for her actions and kind pinning the whole blame of the argument on my angry outburst if that makes sense?

Also, I have addressed Intimacy issues, since we've moved in we rarely cuddle and kiss anymore, and have not had intercourse in 6 months. I understand there's stresses in life, but this seems like too long. I have mentioned this and have been worried about it, i said 'we don't have sex anymore or are physical, I'm concerned etc' her response was 'well i dont see it as a big issue', and that was kind of it. 

Finally, it is the housework. My partner is home all day due to working remotely and we have a dog, i work 9-5:30 and get back home around 6, i leave the house at 8:15. I also am at the final stages of a degree I've been completing while working, so i study as well on evenings. I've been told i do not do enough housework and have it easy, i do disagree with this and currently Monday to Friday do: Vacuuming downstairs everyday (dog hairs), cook every evening, wash-up and wipe the sides down, sort the dog out before bed etc. On weekends, i do the supermarket shop on my own, i vacuum the whole house, wipe down the kitchen sides fully & clean the bathroom, also taking the bins out. My girlfriend states she cleans through the week at home, picking up bits constantly and that the share is not fair, i feel like i do enough but I'm unsure whether I'm under an illusion that maybe i don't pull my weight? I'm unsure if she's making me feel like this so i do even more? 

I understand it's a lot to read but i want to at least show my experiences in detail, i do feel lost, i just need to know is this behavior correct? Am i overreacting? 

Any help is appreciated. 

 

[glows]

It feels like there are missing pieces to the story. Why is she suddenly acting so resentfully and disrespectfully to you? What happened in the move, purchase, reno stages? Have either of you talked about marriage? Why did you agree to purchase a home together? 

She gets away with hanging up on her own mother. Have you met her parents or family? Why agree to live with a dysfunctional person from a dysfunctional family? Where are both your families? Same country? 

Edited March 3, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately buying a house together seems like a mistake.

There is simply arguing about arguing and anger about being angry. 

 The contempt, resentment, spins and disrespect/abuse has spiraled out of control. 

 Is there heavy drinking or drugs involved? 

The trust and connection is broken hence the lack of sex/affection, and in a spiral fashion, this further erodes your bond and increases the resentment.

You are in a massive power struggle. It's not resolved with dissertations about who does more, whose fault what is etc.

Step way back. Divide up in a fair agreeable way whose responsible for what so it's not a chronic issue. However the issue is much larger than who wipes down the kitchen, and you know that. Stop and reflect where all the contempt is coming from.

[SingFish]

I think you need to stop shouting @Amnesiac93 and find a communication which works for you both. Maybe see a couple therapist?

 

[Els]

A lot of the cases you describe here sound like you insisting that something is a certain way, her insisting that it's different, and then everything goes nuclear. It would probably be a good idea to do relationship counseling together, to figure out how to communicate to each other in a way that doesn't get the other person's defensive hackles up.

4 hours ago, Amnesiac93 said:

Once moved in, our relationship has begun to deteriorate, we have been arguing a lot more and it has turned into shouting matches, this could be over housework, differences in opinion etc. 

Moving in together is one of the biggest tests that a relationship typically goes through - it shows you who they really are and how both of you work together. There's almost always a certain amount of friction involved, the key factor (besides HOW much friction) is how you deal with it. When communication breaks down the way you described, then there is no way to move forward together.

I wish you had lived together before purchasing a house together, but what's done is done. Do you know what your financial and legal options are if you end up splitting up even after trying counseling? Counseling is your best bet IMO, but it's not a magic bullet and it's possible that you two are just genuinely incompatible.