Feeling Like I'm Always Messing up

[AprilVendetta13]

Sorry for the long post, feeling a Mean Girls "Word Vomit" coming on. I started a job in late Sept 2021 after being unemployed for just over a year; I work closely with students with disabilities within the realm of higher education. I had previously held positions in the same institution both within specific schools and in more centralized offices from 2014-2020 before COVID hit and major layoffs were conducted. I do feel that the job I am currently in is the most fulfilling in regards to what I get to do, the responsibilities and new skills that I have acquired in the short amount of time compared to my previous jobs and I love working with students directly. On the flip side, I'm been having difficulty feeling confident in my role/trying so hard not to make mistakes especially when so much of our work relates to privacy and compliance.

Coming into the job, it was fairly close to all hands on deck as possible and while I do connect with my previous predecessor from time to time, there was not a lot of training to be had and the environment feels like it's in perpetual flux. My boss/director of our office was appointed last Spring and out of the six people in our office, half of us have onboarded in the last five months with two other positions to be filled and a year ago there were three other employees that served as main leadership and left within months of each other. On top of that, the whole university is still recovering from the slash of employment, so none of the other offices or departments are operating in the same way they used to before COVID. It has been a learning curve in many ways, a lot of re-learning compared to what it was like previously. 

There are times where I feel like it's a huge flood of information and I've been doing all that I can to keep track of everything and to know who to check in with before delegating anything or signing off on paperwork. My job is acting as the gatekeeper for all the communication that comes through our office, which means I get all the questions from students, professors, parents, etc. by phone, three email inboxes, walk-ins, etc. I must ask a million questions between my boss and another associate who has worked longer because there's a lot I do not automatically know and have been trying to research ADA/legalities regarding disabilities and conditions. My primary work experience has been in higher ed with some experience with disabilities (including familial relation) before starting in university work and there has been so much to learn that unfortunately has not been put down in guides or books and even instances where other employees in our office have different understandings or misconceptions about the same information. So much has been from learning on the fly plus trial and error and then there are other times where I forget something that was discussed which just reinforces having everything in writing one way or the other.

I know that a big part of life is learning from mistakes, but it becomes hard and very heavy on the soul when each time you feel the weight of it come crashing down on you and being misconstrued of trying to act out of the realm of my role (which is never my mental process, I do not believe and I know I don't know more than the next person or have any authority to make decisions contrary of what is given to me). I have to preface that I love the team that I'm working with for as small as we are, we move many mountains. My boss who is a great leader and in many ways supportive of gaining knowledge and working towards advancement, can come down very very hard and I understand why when it's their name on pretty much everything and explaining the legal ramifications if the wrong information is shared or not reported to the correct person, but it also feels like my mistakes are only things that are perceived, which maybe that's something everyone feels in their work from time to time, as well as growing lack of confidence in my abilities. 

The other aspects are that I am diagnosed with both clinical depression and a gastrointestinal disorder, which I receive regular treatment for since early 2019. Both of those wreaked havoc on my life prior to that point on top of what was a very stressful and toxic work situation which also undermined my confidence and abilities during that time (ex. being the primary scheduler for my boss with access to his inbox to catch meeting requests and then coming across multiple conversations [by accident] between him, my supervisor and others ripping apart my performance without ever talking directly to me, even during proper performance reviews). I acknowledge that particular situation left its scars on me (that could be a whole separate post) regarding trust as well as reading into communication from others. I would say that the year of unemployment was preferable to that situation and 100% still believe that, but the previous year was also a really tough time on my mental health, feeling worthless on most days and the endless parade of applications and interviews going nowhere. 

I have no issue owning up to my mistakes and work diligently to not repeat them, but the guilt stays with me for a long time and I'm not really sure if there's a way to fix that. The ramifications are always greater in comparison to any other position I've held just by the nature of the work and it's hard keeping up when my attention is pulled in so many directions but also never operating as just me alone, but me under more than one magnifying glass operating through multiple channels of confirmation and approval before I can even go back and say "Thank you for your message, here's what can be done." I fear losing trust and responsibilities, reinforcing what my depression likes to key into (being a f*ck-up, not being good enough, waste of space) when all I want is to do the best job that I can and move forward without missing vital information. I don't know really what to expect at this point, but any advice for the girl feeling like she's always a step behind?

[glows]

My goodness. The organization sounds horribly managed. I'm very sorry you're subjected to this or have any part of this at all. 

Take the learning experience but if you feel undervalued and mistreated, please find other employment. 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you are honestly doing the best you can.  Everyone makes mistakes in jobs.  I doubt that you're making more mistakes than everyone else.... you are just taking them more personally and beating yourself up over them.  I'm not sure what advice to give you except keep trying your best, and in these situations, explain yourself to your supervisor just like you did here.