Boyfriend is at college and is bad at communication, feel like he's drifting. We don't talk about issues, anyone relate?

[holly_b]

My boyfriend has gone to school this year, and it also happens to be a difficult military college. He's also taking the hardest major offered there and is always stressed. I realized that we've always had things we disagree on, but I was willing to work those things out because I love him a lot. We've been together for 3 years now and the honeymoon phase lasted over a year, and I thought it would always be like that. When covid happened too we hung out all the time, but always did the same thing; watch tv, eat snacks together, snuggle, etc. I worry sometimes that we might have gotten too comfortable and now that we're apart from each other, we don't know how to just be in our relationship together. I've been feeling depressed ever since he left and life always seems very empty and boring without him just a few minutes away. I've gotten a little better and I try to connect more with my friends and be more purely myself. I realize too that I feel worried he might not like the way I am when I'm with my friends, even though when I met him, we fell in love with each other just how we were. The fact that we are different now and are very settled is kind of unsettling. Soon I'll be off to college as well and he always says how he worries that i'll go and do stupid things and I think he's just worried that I will become someone he won't like. We will both change in the next few years, because I know for a fact that you are pretty much a new person once you go through college. I don't want him to unconsciously drift from me because he's scared of who I'll become. It's weird. I know he loves me and worries about keeping us together, but he's scared to talk about the tough things and doesn't want to confront that issue. I love him very much but our conversation has been very dry recently. The most confusing part is when he comes home to visit, it feels like it all goes back to normal and it's all good again, but he's still bad at communication. The only difference is that we were nearby and could hang out together. I want to keep our relationship healthy and I'm very willing to go through the difficult conversations in order to make it right, but I think he's too scared to do it. I don't know if that's something I can help, or if it's just him and I can't change that. I just want to know if anyone relates in any way, it would make me feel better and help me to get the courage to just bring up the topic to him to get this started. 

 

[glows]

4 hours ago, holly_b said:

Soon I'll be off to college as well and he always says how he worries that i'll go and do stupid things and I think he's just worried that I will become someone he won't like. We will both change in the next few years, because I know for a fact that you are pretty much a new person once you go through college. I don't want him to unconsciously drift from me because he's scared of who I'll become. It's weird.

 

Have you done “stupid things” in the past? Why would someone who purportedly cares about you, is supposed to have faith in you or claims he loves you ever say such a thing? It seems disturbing to hear a loved one expect so little of you. 

Yes, you’ll both change and evolve as people when you age. And you both are entitled to growing and learning more about yourselves. 

Edited March 4, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, holly_b said:

My boyfriend has gone to school this year, and it also happens to be a difficult military college. 

Try to relax a bit. This is a major change in the dynamic of the relationship.

Right now he has very little freedom for relationship talks, so don't launch into those. Just stay in touch.

Focus on your college education and your own professional training.

You'll have to trust each other and give each other some latitude. If you pull the reins too tightly, they'll break.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, holly_b said:

I realize too that I feel worried he might not like the way I am when I'm with my friends, even though when I met him, we fell in love with each other just how we were.

How are you with your friends?  What would you do with your friends that he may not like?  This is all very vague and it doesn't seem that you are having a problem with your bf at the moment except communication about something that hasn't happened yet.  What is it exactly you want to discuss with him?