I don't know what to do about my breakup.

[roohol]

So, in November 2021 myself and my boyfriend's mum had a big fall out where we didn't speak for months. I was given a version of his mum that was very controlling, evil and nasty. When I eventually spoke to his mum due to losing him I found out that his mum is not that type of person and the entire situation was caused by my boyfriend not being honest about money. He broke up with me but I drove to his house and we agreed to try again (this was January). Since then we have been fine, we have been happy, I have shown him my true self and everything was fantastic...I was the happiest I've been in ages. I agreed to book a holiday with his family FOUR days ago after he begged me to come. We spent the weekend together and I went home to spend time with my mum on Monday and we had a little bicker over some money again...since then he has been off with me, he broke up with me completely out of the blue last night. His mum was confused, his sister, his dad etc. His mum thinks this is a depressive episode that he is having and that our relationship isn't completely over but I don't know where to go from here...any advice would be much appreciated? I am heartbroken. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, roohol said:

he broke up with me completely out of the blue last night. . His mum thinks this is a depressive episode that he is having and that our relationship isn't completely over.

Sorry this happened. Does he live with his parents? How old is he?

Does he work? Go to school? Does he have a history of mental health issues or substance misuse?

Distance yourself from the situation. It's been fraught with problems all along and you may have dodged a bullet.

Why is his mother this overinvolved in his dating life?

[roohol]

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Edited March 4, 2022 by roohol

[roohol]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Does he live with his parents? How old is he?

Does he work? Go to school? Does he have a history of mental health issues or substance misuse?

Distance yourself from the situation. It's been fraught with problems all along and you may have dodged a bullet.

Why is his mother this overinvolved in his dating life?

It's really hard for me, thank you for responding.

He does live with his parents, he's 19 and I'm 22. 

He works, we work at the same place unfortunately. He's going to university in September. There is a history of mental health and him being anxious/living on his nerves, no substance misuse though. 

I just want to be with him so badly and I don't know what to do, I was in a relationship previously for four years and never felt this way!

They are very close, it was a reason we fell out previously however she is not as involved as she use to be...thankfully! 

[stillafool]

Please don't turn to his mom for help when you and your bf have trouble.  It's a turn off.  He probably doesn't want his parents to know his private busiiness so don't involve them.  If he broke up with you don't beg him back just pull back, ask him if you should cancel your reservation for the trip, wait for his response and go from there.  You can't make someone want you if they don't.  He may just be throwing a tantrum, which frankly would turn me all the way off, so just wait it out and do nothing.

[glows]

4 hours ago, roohol said:

So, in November 2021 myself and my boyfriend's mum had a big fall out where we didn't speak for months. I was given a version of his mum that was very controlling, evil and nasty. When I eventually spoke to his mum due to losing him I found out that his mum is not that type of person and the entire situation was caused by my boyfriend not being honest about money. He broke up with me but I drove to his house and we agreed to try again (this was January). Since then we have been fine, we have been happy, I have shown him my true self and everything was fantastic...I was the happiest I've been in ages. I agreed to book a holiday with his family FOUR days ago after he begged me to come. We spent the weekend together and I went home to spend time with my mum on Monday and we had a little bicker over some money again...since then he has been off with me, he broke up with me completely out of the blue last night. His mum was confused, his sister, his dad etc. His mum thinks this is a depressive episode that he is having and that our relationship isn't completely over but I don't know where to go from here...any advice would be much appreciated? I am heartbroken. 

I’d think twice and three times over whether it’s worthy entangling your life with someone who 1) can’t be honest about money and 2) seems to have untreated mental health issues. 

Let this be a cooling off period. Know that scrambling and feeling panic trying to put an on/off relationship back together with an unstable person is not love. You’re going through stages of withdrawal as if it’s a break up. What do your parents think of all this? 

I’d also use this time to examine to yourself whether you have a history of being drawn to troubled individuals and whether you crave that high/low of dysfunctional relationships.

[roohol]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

I’d think twice and three times over whether it’s worthy entangling your life with someone who 1) can’t be honest about money and 2) seems to have untreated mental health issues. 

Let this be a cooling off period. Know that scrambling and feeling panic trying to put an on/off relationship back together with an unstable person is not love. You’re going through stages of withdrawal as if it’s a break up. What do your parents think of all this? 

I’d also use this time to examine to yourself whether you have a history of being drawn to troubled individuals and whether you crave that high/low of dysfunctional relationships.

My mum has said the same as you have said. She thinks he is trying to manipulate me and thinks he's just like this in general, she's told me to just leave it and move on. 

I think I have a habit of being drawn to people who 'need fixing' if that makes sense. My last relationship was nothing like this and he was literally my best friend. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, roohol said:

My mum has said the same as you have said. She thinks he is trying to manipulate me and thinks he's just like this in general, she's told me to just leave it and move on. 

I think I have a habit of being drawn to people who 'need fixing' if that makes sense. My last relationship was nothing like this and he was literally my best friend. 

Listen to your mother. This might be very hard to do if you have a track history of being drawn to troubled individuals or people who need fixing. It means you see a sorry state or someone you feel needs your help and are compelled to jump in and participate to make it better instead of looking for healthy partners with healthy boundaries and regular coping mechanisms in times of difficulty. 

Think long term future here and not just the throes of pain and withdrawal not seeing your boyfriend. Please consider yourself instead of putting someone like this before you. If he can’t be honest about money or relationships this is a glaring red flag. 

[roohol]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Listen to your mother. This might be very hard to do if you have a track history of being drawn to troubled individuals or people who need fixing. It means you see a sorry state or someone you feel needs your help and are compelled to jump in and participate to make it better instead of looking for healthy partners with healthy boundaries and regular coping mechanisms in times of difficulty. 

Think long term future here and not just the throes of pain and withdrawal not seeing your boyfriend. Please consider yourself instead of putting someone like this before you. If he can’t be honest about money or relationships this is a glaring red flag. 

Thank you so much for the advice. 

It's just really hard, I hate it so much. 

[glows]

13 minutes ago, roohol said:

Thank you so much for the advice. 

It's just really hard, I hate it so much. 

Stay busy with work, school or anything else that needs your attention. Don’t remain idle or slip back into old patterns. You have your life ahead of you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, roohol said:

the entire situation was caused by my boyfriend not being honest about money.

 

11 hours ago, roohol said:

we had a little bicker over some money again.

What exactly are these money issues related to? 

[ShyViolet]

This guy has dumped you twice now.  You need to stop running back to him, and let it be over.  A relationship shouldn't have this many problems, and this is unhealthy.  

17 hours ago, roohol said:

His mum thinks this is a depressive episode that he is having and that our relationship isn't completely over but I don't know where to go from here...

It does not matter what his mother thinks, and she shouldn't be in the middle of the relationship.  Also, whether or not this is due to depression or his mental health issues, frankly that does not matter either and that's no excuse.  This guy has too many problems to be able to function in a relationship with you.  He lied about money, he has mental health issues that he's dealing with, and he has dumped you multiple times.  Accept that this is over and walk away with dignity.