Healing and acceptance

[Lisa80]

I’m looking for some advice and support really with a situation that’s left me pretty heartbroken, although I know it ending is the right thing. Sorry in advance for the length!

My backstory is I’m late thirties, single, two children - ex who I was with for over a decade had an affair with a girl he worked with in another country and he left five years ago, they are still together & now have a child. Our relationship was strained with him always working away, obviously that’s been a very hard situation to deal with. 

I have just come out of a situation with someone who I care for desperately and it’s left me close to rock bottom - even though I knew it was entirely wrong to get involved. 

We met when I was freelancing at a company four years ago. A crazy instant attraction I’ve never experienced before. At the time he was single and asked me out - we had a couple of good dates, but he’d recently got out of a relationship with a woman who had a child, and was honest and said he didn’t feel he’d be able to handle me having two. We left things as they were, speaking occasionally on social media.

Fast forward a year, he now had a girlfriend and I started working permanently for the company, a job I couldn’t refuse. Things came to a head at that year’s Christmas party where he told me he regretted everything and wished he could turn back the clock. He asked me to go back to his that night but I refused.

The next day he was consumed with guilt and said he couldn’t speak to me about it because of his girlfriend. I told him he wasn’t being fair bringing feelings up again and we didn’t speak for a few weeks. During that time he discovered his girlfriend of eight months was pregnant. Things died down now, he would still reach out with the occasional text message disguised as a friendly catch up but would lead to talking for hours, but ultimately from then until 18 months later when he got engaged things were just friendly. Two months after he got engaged everything changed.

We worked together fairly closely and one day the chemistry was so ridiculous that he ended up spilling out the same feelings as before, he told me he was besotted with me and couldn’t stop thinking about me etc etc. I said I felt the same. He utterly adores his baby and said he couldn’t envisage not being with him every day, but he needed to tell me how he felt. Again I was really sad that he’d brought it to the table whilst not being able to do anything about it, but we couldn’t seem to stay away from each other.

This ultimately was the start of our affair - which was emotional at first, speaking all day every day on huge text messages. It became physical four months later. Again after that he had a breakdown, cried about his fiancée and baby and told me we had to leave it. Again I was upset but accepted it was the right thing to do (I’m aware at this point I sound like an absolute idiot, but the feelings I had for him just overwhelmed me).

This resolve not to speak lasted about three days and then we were back in touch. Since then for the past four months it’s been constant contact, phone calls, meet ups for coffee and kissing a couple of times a week. He was truthful in terms of his relationship, he told me it is not bad, they get along fine, there is just no chemistry any more and little physical relationship. He said to me multiple times he wanted to leave, but did not know how he could get out of the situation and not see his little boy every day. It was also complicated by the fact his partner has depression and an eating disorder and he couldn’t deal with the guilt. Things culminated last week when we went away with work and took the opportunity to go on a proper ‘date’, we went out for dinner and drinks, it genuinely was a wonderful time and he just kept gazing at me throughout the night and said afterwards it was the best time he’d had in years. We stayed away for as long as we could and then went home.

This past week I had sense a change in him. It felt like he was becoming a little more distanced, and it came to a head when I asked what was going on. We met earlier today and he ended things - saying taking things to the next level had basically forced him to think, what can realistically happen, and he knows he cannot leave his little boy. He was tearful speaking about it, we both said we loved each other and he wants to be friends - I don’t think I can be.

I know it was so wrong, it’s truly never a situation I imagined I’d be in, but I guess now I am faced with trying to come to terms with not speaking to someone any more who’s become such a big part of my life - and I don’t know how I can move on when I see him so often in work. I feel heartbroken and also am struggling to accept the reality that ultimately, he didn’t care for me in the same way I do for him. And of course part of me wonders whether I’ve been taken for a complete fool. The frequency of him ringing and messaging me, I know he cares a lot for me, but also ultimately I feel like possibly I’ve been a bit of fun to him and now the novelty’s worn off and it got a bit ‘serious’ he’s jumped ship.

Any advice on how to deal with my feelings would be so welcome - I don’t want to waste my life pining for someone I can’t have, and someone who doesn’t want to be with you, but equally I can’t help how I feel. I wish I could. Sorry this is so long!

Thank you x

 

[glows]

I’m sure it seems tempting to feel sorry for him in a way. He left a woman with a child, met you and declined a relationship with two children and then seems stuck in what appears to be a loveless situation that’s out of his hands with his new girlfriend pregnant after only eight months. He had a role to play in that so if any part of you is feeling sorry for him, please don’t. His story carries all the classic lines of woe is me, poor me. 

You seem like a loving person who has a lot to give or offer someone so choose someone else who can give you the same in return. In the meantime spend time with your kids, other family and friends and let this pass. You dodged a bullet.

[Pumpernickel]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He is obvs not done with his primary relationship. That’s what I’m reading out of it anyways.
 

But generally speaking - the way you describe the whole scenario makes me think that this is not over for you, and you have a massive roller coaster ahead of you with some type of an on and off relationship/on and off love affair. I hope you’re buckled up well. 

[stillafool]

If he were smitten with y

2 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

We met when I was freelancing at a company four years ago. A crazy instant attraction I’ve never experienced before. At the time he was single and asked me out - we had a couple of good dates, but he’d recently got out of a relationship with a woman who had a child, and was honest and said he didn’t feel he’d be able to handle me having two. We left things as they were, speaking occasionally on social media.

Fast forward a year, he now had a girlfriend and I started working permanently for the company, a job I couldn’t refuse. Things came to a head at that year’s Christmas party where he told me he regretted everything and wished he could turn back the clock. He asked me to go back to his that night but I refused.

So when he was single and dated you first after his breakup then decided you weren't right for him because you had 2 kids?  A year goes by and now he regrets not getting with you but is in a relationship with a girl who happened to get pregnant and now he wants to be with you.  Why within that year that he first got with this girl didn't he realize he wanted you and come back to you rather than getting in a relationship with her?  It seems now that everytime you end up having sex he has a "come to Jesus moment" and runs back to his gf.  I think he's full of it.  I think with a new baby his girl is tired, busy and cranky as most new mothers are and he's looking for love and attention elsewhere until the baby is weened.  He isn't going anywhere.

Edited March 5, 2022 by stillafool

[Lisa80]

9 hours ago, glows said:

I’m sure it seems tempting to feel sorry for him in a way. He left a woman with a child, met you and declined a relationship with two children and then seems stuck in what appears to be a loveless situation that’s out of his hands with his new girlfriend pregnant after only eight months. He had a role to play in that so if any part of you is feeling sorry for him, please don’t. His story carries all the classic lines of woe is me, poor me. 

You seem like a loving person who has a lot to give or offer someone so choose someone else who can give you the same in return. In the meantime spend time with your kids, other family and friends and let this pass. You dodged a bullet.

Thank you for replying. Sorry if I wasn’t clear, he didn’t leave anyone he’s still with his partner and they’re raising their baby. 
 

You’re very right in the woe is me assessment, I don’t feel sorry for him now, I think he was looking for attention and whilst I believe his feelings for me were genuine, he’s never going to leave his little one nor would I want to be responsible for breaking up a family, especially having had this done to me. I’m just stuck with still being besotted with him despite all the red flags…and wondering how I can move past this when I see him so often. He’s sadly the person in my life I’ve had the strongest feelings for and I’m just struggling to know how to get over it. 

[Lisa80]

8 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He is obvs not done with his primary relationship. That’s what I’m reading out of it anyways.
 

But generally speaking - the way you describe the whole scenario makes me think that this is not over for you, and you have a massive roller coaster ahead of you with some type of an on and off relationship/on and off love affair. I hope you’re buckled up well. 

Thank you, no absolutely he’s not done with his relationship…I think probably more the whole package and what it looks like rather than the core relationship. He’s a perfectionist and has said many times he can’t get his head around not having the perfect family set up etc. Things are okay with his fiancée, not wonderful, they’ve had a lot of heart to hearts and she has a lot of issues but he absolutely dotes on his son and given the only option would be to leave and see him probably a couple of days a week, he has to make a choice between that or me, and naturally, his little one is the priority. 
 

I think what you’ve described there in terms of a rollercoaster is what we’ve been in on and off for ages and that’s now what has come to an end. It was his decision and he won’t reprise it now but even if that were the case I can’t let him back in for my own self respect. I’m just struggling to cope with how I put it to bed when I see him so often and everything that’s been shared between us, I’ve never really had a situation where a relationship has ended because there’s no way forward rather than, it just ran it’s course or you didn’t get on any more. I don’t really know where those feelings go when they’re still present between you.

[Lisa80]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

If he were smitten with y

So when he was single and dated you first after his breakup then decided you weren't right for him because you had 2 kids?  A year goes by and now he regrets not getting with you but is in a relationship with a girl who happened to get pregnant and now he wants to be with you.  Why within that year that he first got with this girl didn't he realize he wanted you and come back to you rather than getting in a relationship with her?  It seems now that everytime you end up having sex he has a "come to Jesus moment" and runs back to his gf.  I think he's full of it.  I think with a new baby his girl is tired, busy and cranky as most new mothers are and he's looking for love and attention elsewhere until the baby is weened.  He isn't going anywhere.

Thank you. We were basically strangers when we dated initially, I was only freelancing so after we’d been out a couple of times we didn’t really see each other for a year. He kept in touch occasionally on social but we knew hardly anything about it each, obviously once we started working together that changed and we became closer. His girlfriend is a nice person and obviously doesn’t deserve this, but I think it was a case of, they met at a time when he was ready to settle down, she fell pregnant, he was desperate for the perfect family so it just worked out like that rather than devoted to each other etc. 

 

I think you’re nail on the head though in terms of the baby will have taken up a lot of their attention, he’s not got a great social life as they’ve moved closer to her family, I don’t doubt his feelings for me but I think it’s also been a case of me filling a void in his life and when it’s got to the crunch, he’s realised he can’t go through with being with me. Before anything properly happened we’d become such close friends and the communication we’ve had throughout our affair is the biggest thing I’ll miss, obviously as a single parent life can be lonely at times which is probably why I got wrapped up in this in the first place. He’s my confidante with so many things, it is really hurting me to think that is gone - he wants to maintain a friendship but to me I don’t think that’s really possible or fair.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

 I’m late thirties, single, two children - ex  left five years ago, they are still together & now have a child. 

Sorry this happened.  How is the co-parenting custody/visitation arrangement? Are your children receiving appropriate child support?

Have you fully processed this unfortunate event?

Sadly you seem to be reliving it by again being on the outside of someone's family.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Perhaps this situation started when you were lonely but not ready to date?

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get involved in clubs, groups and sports and fitness. Volunteer. Expand your horizons. 

Talk to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to examine what happened with your children's father and this man.

Focus on yourself and your children. Start a self improvement program. 

By replacing the voids left by your children's father and this unavailable man with healthy productive pursuits, you'll start feeling better.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest men for a low-key coffee ☕.

[Lisa80]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened.  How is the co-parenting custody/visitation arrangement? Are your children receiving appropriate child support?

Have you fully processed this unfortunate event?

Sadly you seem to be reliving it by again being on the outside of someone's family.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Perhaps this situation started when you were lonely but not ready to date?

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get involved in clubs, groups and sports and fitness. Volunteer. Expand your horizons. 

Talk to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to examine what happened with your children's father and this man.

Focus on yourself and your children. Start a self improvement program. 

By replacing the voids left by your children's father and this unavailable man with healthy productive pursuits, you'll start feeling better.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single honest men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Thank you. The large burden of childcare falls on myself as my ex works out of the country so only comes back every few weeks. He is not a friendly person and whilst I strangely don’t have a bad relationship with his now wife, he can be quite difficult sometimes. I have a good support system with my parents and friends, but my father has in the past few weeks been diagnosed with terminal cancer which obviously is devastating…this is something else this man had provided me with a lot of support with, he was very much my shoulder to cry on and support and again not being able to talk to him about that is going to cripple me, even though I know I deserve someone who can fully be there for me.

Because we work together it’s impossible to go no contact. I am going to work later and the thought of seeing him is making me feel physically sick, I have contemplated calling in sick but I feel that’s a weak option to take.

I don’t feel ready to date yet, we’ve been in and out of each other’s lives for almost four years and ‘involved’ for the best part of a year, I’m sadly in that place at the moment where I will compare everyone to him etc. 

You’re probably right in terms of the pattern repeating itself. It’s sad to say but I guess because my partner left for another woman, and they are together and seemingly happy, I have seen that it can ‘work’ which probably gave me unrealistic expectations of my situation with this man.  I know he’ll be missing me too but as other posters have said it’s a tough pill to swallow to think I’ve just been a bit of a comforter to get him through a tough time in his relationship, and discarded when it’s become too serious.

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

 my father has in the past few weeks been diagnosed with terminal cancer which obviously is devastating…this is something else this man had provided me with a lot of support with, he was very much my shoulder to cry on.

Sorry this is happening. Look for cancer support groups through the hospitals, hospices and doctors. Either online or in person.

 Also therapy could help you cope with the past as well as present stressors.

This co-worker is not an appropriate substitute for therapy or group support.

Diminish his importance in your life by finding better support for dealing with your father's illness, the situation with your children's father and other stressful situations.

[Lisa80]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Look for cancer support groups through the hospitals, hospices and doctors. Either online or in person.

 Also therapy could help you cope with the past as well as present stressors.

This co-worker is not an appropriate substitute for therapy or group support.

Diminish his importance in your life by finding better support for dealing with your father's illness, the situation with your children's father and other stressful situations.

Thank you. All very sound advice and I think I’d benefit an awful lot from therapy it just seems quite expensive or the waiting lists are extremely lengthy!

You’re right, he’s not someone who can give me the support I need…it’s really strange being in this situation where obviously the relationship in itself was wrong, so a very limited number of people knew about it, and therefore getting support with the ‘break up’ isn’t like when a normal relationship ends. I wish I’d never got involved and been wiser but I’ve never been drawn to someone that much in my life, I just hope I can find that feeling again in a legitimate relationship.
 

 

[glows]

Depending on where you are support or therapy may be free. Loved ones of cancer patients and cancer patients have access to free programs. A cancer patient number is needed for ongoing counselling. I wouldn’t assume all therapy or counselling is expensive. Try searching a bit more and speak to your own doctor if you have questions about ongoing support and about your mental health. 

Regarding my previous post, I was referring to the woman he was dating before you not his current girlfriend. 

I’d focus on getting the help and support you need through counselling asap. If you’re working in the same area as this man, avoid him and remain professional. Does he seek you out or bother you at work? If that’s the case, agree to have an understanding to give each other space and tell him you aren’t going to discuss your personal life with him. Affairs happen due to poor boundaries so start developing better boundaries as a first step. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Loved ones of cancer patients and cancer patients have access to free programs.

Also what I was going to say. 

To paraphrase a comment made by someone else earlier this week in another thread, some people just seem to move through life careening through other peoples lives causing chaos and destruction wherever they go. This seems to be the case with this man - and while I understand the void left with the loss of companionship, you are far better to leave this man in your rear view mirror…

Edited March 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

You’re right, he’s not someone who can give me the support I need…

If I may, having lives the same experience of a parents cancer diagnosis and death - 

These are the times in life when things get real clear. You see who shows up and who doesn’t. You see what’s really important and what’s not. My mother’s illness and death was an absolute turning point in my life, in so many ways. It changed who I am in so many ways. 

Now, more than ever, you need to surround yourself with those who will offer support focus on what really matters… He may have offered emotional support but but there are other way/other people who can do the same without causing you pain. The simple truth is, he can’t show up the way you want him to show up - he can’t sit with you at the hospital to hold your hand/goes home with you to hold you at night when you cry. I hope there are others who can offer support and I extend my deepest condolence that you and your dear father are dealing with this disease. 

Edited March 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

So sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis.  I remember when my mother was diagnosised with terminal cancer and given 10 mos to live.  It was the worse time of my life and I can understand your needing someone strong to lean on.  I hope things turn out good for your Mom.

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

Any advice on how to deal with my feelings would be so welcome

It sounds like this isn't ever going to be more than an affair. Recognizing that will help a lot, as will seeing him as minimally as possible and developing new interests (possibly love interests IF that's something you're looking for) that help you continue to grow as a person independently of him. Mostly however, you have to wait it out, as your brain processes feelings "at it's own pace" which tends to be a lot longer than is convenient for us.

IF you can make it essentially impossible for you to see him and go no-contact, that would presumably help a lot, but it doesn't sound like that's feasible right now.

[Lisa80]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Depending on where you are support or therapy may be free. Loved ones of cancer patients and cancer patients have access to free programs. A cancer patient number is needed for ongoing counselling. I wouldn’t assume all therapy or counselling is expensive. Try searching a bit more and speak to your own doctor if you have questions about ongoing support and about your mental health. 

Regarding my previous post, I was referring to the woman he was dating before you not his current girlfriend. 

I’d focus on getting the help and support you need through counselling asap. If you’re working in the same area as this man, avoid him and remain professional. Does he seek you out or bother you at work? If that’s the case, agree to have an understanding to give each other space and tell him you aren’t going to discuss your personal life with him. Affairs happen due to poor boundaries so start developing better boundaries as a first step. 

Ahhh I’m sorry, I understand now!

No he will avoid me at work now and give me space given we have ended things as he will assume I’m upset and don’t want to have anything to do with him. Really, I miss our friendship and just general banter more than the actual physical side of things, but I think it’s almost impossible to go back to having that in a platonic way once you’ve crossed the line. You’re right about boundaries. I guess it will get easier just feels very raw at the moment.

[Lisa80]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Also what I was going to say. 

To paraphrase a comment made by someone else earlier this week in another thread, some people just seem to move through life careening through other peoples lives causing chaos and destruction wherever they go. This seems to be the case with this man - and while I understand the void left with the loss of companionship, you are far better to leave this man in your rear view mirror…

Yes I think he’s generally looked after his own interests a lot and been quite self centred, obviously ultimately when we went out last week ending it would surely have been on his mind then, but it’s easier to just keep it going until we don’t have any away trips coming up and end it then. I’m starting to look at it quite cynically but…! I could probably have predicted it would happen because he’s freaked out with guilt every time something very physical happens, he is a flapper in general life but it’s definitely over now. I have to take some responsibility too as clearly I knew he was attached but when someone tells you they want to leave and just need time…the classic lines but you believe what you want to hear don’t you.

[Lisa80]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If I may, having lives the same experience of a parents cancer diagnosis and death - 

These are the times in life when things get real clear. You see who shows up and who doesn’t. You see what’s really important and what’s not. My mother’s illness and death was an absolute turning point in my life, in so many ways. It changed who I am in so many ways. 

Now, more than ever, you need to surround yourself with those who will offer support focus on what really matters… He may have offered emotional support but but there are other way/other people who can do the same without causing you pain. The simple truth is, he can’t show up the way you want him to show up - he can’t sit with you at the hospital to hold your hand/goes home with you to hold you at night when you cry. I hope there are others who can offer support and I extend my deepest condolence that you and your dear father are dealing with this disease. 

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I think in a way what’s happened with my dad probably made him think about things more and realise this too. I guess as well it’s an indicator of how strong his true feelings are, but I can next expect the feelings he feels for me to match the love he feels for his son.  

[Lisa80]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis.  I remember when my mother was diagnosised with terminal cancer and given 10 mos to live.  It was the worse time of my life and I can understand your needing someone strong to lean on.  I hope things turn out good for your Mom.

Thank you so much, it’s such a terrible shock isn’t it and so hard to come to terms with. Also for everyone advising about free counselling I didn’t know this so thanks again x

[Lisa80]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds like this isn't ever going to be more than an affair. Recognizing that will help a lot, as will seeing him as minimally as possible and developing new interests (possibly love interests IF that's something you're looking for) that help you continue to grow as a person independently of him. Mostly however, you have to wait it out, as your brain processes feelings "at it's own pace" which tends to be a lot longer than is convenient for us.

IF you can make it essentially impossible for you to see him and go no-contact, that would presumably help a lot, but it doesn't sound like that's feasible right now.

No unfortunately it isn’t feasible as we work together at least two days a week often more. I think we both just won’t speak for a while, inevitably there’ll be a time when we are alone on a shift and we’ll have to but it’ll just be no contact until then. I think I’d be dealing with it a lot better if it was just another person…I’ve never come close to feeling this way about anyone, even the father of my children, I didn’t know this level of attraction even existed to be honest! I’m notorious for not being able to get someone out of my head when I like them so it’s going to be an incredible challenge but I know I deserve more than what he’s given me.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lisa80 said:

I think it’s almost impossible to go back to having that in a platonic way once you’ve crossed the line.

Agree. 

 

45 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

I think in a way what’s happened with my dad probably made him think about things more and realise this too. 

I also wondered this, and if it’s true it is the one truly loving and selfless thing that he could do. At this time in your life, you don’t need this kind of the stress of an affair. If he knows that he can’t give you what you want from him, it’s time for him to end it so that you can put your emotional energy where it really needs to be right now - supporting your father and caring for your self. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

No unfortunately it isn’t feasible as we work together at least two days a week often more. I think we both just won’t speak for a while, inevitably there’ll be a time when we are alone on a shift and we’ll have to but it’ll just be no contact until then. I think I’d be dealing with it a lot better if it was just another person…I’ve never come close to feeling this way about anyone, even the father of my children, I didn’t know this level of attraction even existed to be honest! I’m notorious for not being able to get someone out of my head when I like them so it’s going to be an incredible challenge but I know I deserve more than what he’s given me.

Yes, you most certainly do. I’m referring to that last line of yours in bold. You know the other half of that thought is in firmly believing and demanding that you receive more.

Raise your self-worth too. You are worthy of much more than this man. Don’t keep limiting yourself and telling yourself that so he is so great or the attraction was the best. You don’t know what else is out there so leave that judgment openended for now or hold that thought. Move forwards.

Edited March 6, 2022 by glows

[Bubble_20]

I’m sorry you’re going through this but like the ending of any relationship whatever the nature of it, you have to grieve then move forward. It takes time.

What has helped me (despite desperately clinging onto the love declarations,  future faking and ruminating on the wonderful connection we had) - was comparing three years of pillow talk/texting and calls to the time actually spent together in normal environments without the secrecy. Everything revolved around him and his ‘availability’. I was constantly left with crumbs and ‘Hope’.

After the initial devastation of things coming to an end (his choice obviously), I had to focus on myself and why I willing entered such an obvious rollercoaster to no where.
I am single with kids and feel angry (with myself as well as him) that I allowed myself to be used. The already committed ‘man of my dreams’ with kids of his own explored his own fantasies, alleviated the boredom of his marriage with an endless supply of adoration from a wiling accomplice. 
I appreciate the hurt you’re experiencing and like others have said, talking to someone will help you understand why you lowered your self worth with someone else’s partner. 

It sounds like the guy in your situation has really sat down with himself and considered the work involved to change his unhappy situation. To be with you properly. And it is a lot of work! And misery, heart break and a fair bit of image/reputation damage. Sadly, often the OW (and I’m afraid you are in this case) is just not worth it.

When you feel heartbroken or low, remember how selfish he was carrying on with you on the side with a young family at home. Were the encounters with him ever on your terms or did they revolve around HIS work/home commitments? Leave the good sex, romantic gestures and idealising of the future together aside and examine the facts. 
You’ll be ok… just give yourself time.

 

 

Edited March 6, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Bubble_20]

15 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

Yes I think he’s generally looked after his own interests a lot and been quite self centred, obviously ultimately when we went out last week ending it would surely have been on his mind then, but it’s easier to just keep it going until we don’t have any away trips coming up and end it then. I’m starting to look at it quite cynically but…! I could probably have predicted it would happen because he’s freaked out with guilt every time something very physical happens, he is a flapper in general life but it’s definitely over now. I have to take some responsibility too as clearly I knew he was attached but when someone tells you they want to leave and just need time…the classic lines but you believe what you want to hear don’t you.

Very true! Especially when you’ve had a long connection/friendship before anything emotional or physical happens. But sadly, even THOSE people often fall into the typical “I just need more time, things are complicated at the moment, I’m so unhappy but can’t leave yet”. We trust them and then years later find that nothing has changed for them but you have become more emotional unstable and anxious about the future. Not to mention the missed opportunities!