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Healing and acceptance


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14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Agree. 

 

I also wondered this, and if it’s true it is the one truly loving and selfless thing that he could do. At this time in your life, you don’t need this kind of the stress of an affair. If he knows that he can’t give you what you want from him, it’s time for him to end it so that you can put your emotional energy where it really needs to be right now - supporting your father and caring for your self. 

I don’t think he’s really done it from a, I can’t give her what she needs and I need to let her find someone who can perspective. I think it’s more a, oh no, she might start relying on me more for emotional support and that’s going to put me in a tricky position because it might put more demands on this relationship, scenario. I could be wrong, as I say I’m starting to look at things quite cynically!

 

 

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4 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, you most certainly do. I’m referring to that last line of yours in bold. You know the other half of that thought is in firmly believing and demanding that you receive more.

Raise your self-worth too. You are worthy of much more than this man. Don’t keep limiting yourself and telling yourself that so he is so great or the attraction was the best. You don’t know what else is out there so leave that judgment openended for now or hold that thought. Move forwards.

Thank you that’s very good advice and all so true. I know I’m worth more and ultimately that’s why I brought it all to a head the other day, when he said he didn’t have time for the coffee we’d arranged and I rang him and said if you don’t have time for a 30 minute coffee then that tells me all I need to know really. 
 

We spoke briefly at work yesterday then he asked if he could walk me to my car, then messaged me when I got home saying he was sorry he upset me today and he didn’t know how to be around me, saying if I give you distance and don’t speak to you it looks rude and will piss you off and if I make conversation and chat with you, it’ll upset you. I’m not really sure where the upset thing has come from as I wasn’t upset at all in work today so I’m not sure why he’s asking that, but he has a huge issue with feeling worried that he’s upset me, so I think he’s looking for me to smooth it over so he doesn’t feel bad about things, eg if I’m saying no no it’s all fine he doesn’t have any guilt about ending it. 

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23 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

I’m sorry you’re going through this but like the ending of any relationship whatever the nature of it, you have to grieve then move forward. It takes time.

What has helped me (despite desperately clinging onto the love declarations,  future faking and ruminating on the wonderful connection we had) - was comparing three years of pillow talk/texting and calls to the time actually spent together in normal environments without the secrecy. Everything revolved around him and his ‘availability’. I was constantly left with crumbs and ‘Hope’.

After the initial devastation of things coming to an end (his choice obviously), I had to focus on myself and why I willing entered such an obvious rollercoaster to no where.
I am single with kids and feel angry (with myself as well as him) that I allowed myself to be used. The already committed ‘man of my dreams’ with kids of his own explored his own fantasies, alleviated the boredom of his marriage with an endless supply of adoration from a wiling accomplice. 
I appreciate the hurt you’re experiencing and like others have said, talking to someone will help you understand why you lowered your self worth with someone else’s partner. 

It sounds like the guy in your situation has really sat down with himself and considered the work involved to change his unhappy situation. To be with you properly. And it is a lot of work! And misery, heart break and a fair bit of image/reputation damage. Sadly, often the OW (and I’m afraid you are in this case) is just not worth it.

When you feel heartbroken or low, remember how selfish he was carrying on with you on the side with a young family at home. Were the encounters with him ever on your terms or did they revolve around HIS work/home commitments? Leave the good sex, romantic gestures and idealising of the future together aside and examine the facts. 
You’ll be ok… just give yourself time.

 

 

Thank you, I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar, it’s so hard isn’t it and you judge yourself all the time for getting involved but feelings are so difficult sometimes! 

With us I don’t even think it was about self worth, it almost felt like a massive sense of unfinished business because we had dated previously legitimately and also with being friends for a while too in between, there was just such a strong relationship and foundation there it felt like I had to see what happened, that it would have been the biggest unanswered question if I hadn’t. You’re right, he has weighed everything up and leaving his son, paying a lot of maintenance, sorting out access, selling their home, it’s a huge upheaval from a situation which isn’t toxic, just effectively fairly dull. 
 

Our encounters to be fair were always on mutual terms, often I would be doing things and he would fit his days around me to make sure he could see me. I didn’t doubt how he felt about me at all but I think like you say I’ve been used as a bit of a sticking plaster to alleviate the boredom of his relationship. He’d never actually had a relationship longer than 18 months before his current one, which is coming up to 3 years old and they have an 18 month old baby so, I think the inevitable period of settling into routine etc is probably something he’s never actually even experienced before.

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14 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

Very true! Especially when you’ve had a long connection/friendship before anything emotional or physical happens. But sadly, even THOSE people often fall into the typical “I just need more time, things are complicated at the moment, I’m so unhappy but can’t leave yet”. We trust them and then years later find that nothing has changed for them but you have become more emotional unstable and anxious about the future. Not to mention the missed opportunities!

Definitely true about becoming more unstable and anxious. I was starting to pick holes in so many things by the end because I was thinking, I don’t believe you when you say you actually want this - it’s corrosive because you become insecure searching for signs that what they say they want to happen, is actually genuine. I don’t know how people are able to carry on affairs for years and years, I would become so frustrated.

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20 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

Definitely true about becoming more unstable and anxious. I was starting to pick holes in so many things by the end because I was thinking, I don’t believe you when you say you actually want this - it’s corrosive because you become insecure searching for signs that what they say they want to happen, is actually genuine. I don’t know how people are able to carry on affairs for years and years, I would become so frustrated.

It’s really difficult. In my case, we had a 5 year friendship , then another 3 years of E and P relationship. That’s a lot of years to unpick and close off easily. But it was never really going anywhere (for him anyway). 
I think what really pisses me off is when men blame their partner for their unhappiness and home life-

justifying a side relationship. I left my ex when our daughter was only 2. I was so unhappy and our relationship just wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I was vilified by the family but just couldn’t stay. It was incredibly difficult 6 years ago but we all moved through it to the other side and have equal parental responsibility with access to his extended family every single week. It can be done… if you really want it. Sadly, after weighing up the pros and cons it’s just too much for some men in these situations.

 

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2 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

 he didn’t know how to be around me, saying if I give you distance and don’t speak to you it looks rude and will piss you off and if I make conversation and chat with you, it’ll upset you. 

That's unfortunately true. This is why eliminating emotional dependence on him is crucial to your mental health.

The solution is to be professional and friendly at work and cease all non-work related communication.

It's more rewarding for you to have consistent neutral support through support groups and a therapist.

You're overinvesting in him as if he were a BF or therapist and that of course will deepen your stress and pain.

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4 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

I’m not sure why he’s asking that, but he has a huge issue with feeling worried that he’s upset me, so I think he’s looking for me to smooth it over so he doesn’t feel bad about things, eg if I’m saying no no it’s all fine he doesn’t have any guilt about ending it. 

Married men are notoriously conflict avoidant. They put themselves in positions of high conflict and then work to keep everyone happy. When things go sour/end with either the wife or the affair partner, most have a real problem with others thinking they are the “bad guy.” 

Think of it this way, if he hasn’t been able to  be direct in his relationships, to make a decision and stick with it without jumping from one relationship without ending the other, if he has turned to another rather than deal with the stress and the conflict on his primary relationship - it’s not going to feel good to him to end your affair and have you be unhappy with him.

You are, however, under no obligation to make him feel better about himself. He’s a big boy, he can deal with the consequences of his decisions - in much the same way that you will…

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4 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

I think what really pisses me off is when men blame their partner for their unhappiness and home life-

justifying a side relationship. I left my ex when our daughter was only 2. I was so unhappy and our relationship just wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I was vilified by the family but just couldn’t stay. It was incredibly difficult 6 years ago but we all moved through it to the other side and have equal parental responsibility with access to his extended family every single week. It can be done… if you really want it.

The right thing to do is usually the hard thing. So many chose what is easy and feels “good.”

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25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The right thing to do is usually the hard thing. So many chose what is easy and feels “good.”

Exactly right. I realise I’m casting a huge assumption that many men just can’t or won’t do the right thing but I can only go on what I’ve seen after years reading these message boards. 
Leaving your family/kids to set up a life with someone else is incredibly devastating for all involved. It really is best to not even explore those options in the first place until free and single. Sadly, many of us don’t realise or choose to think our situations are not the same as everyone else’s until it’s far too late. 

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5 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

Thank you that’s very good advice and all so true. I know I’m worth more and ultimately that’s why I brought it all to a head the other day, when he said he didn’t have time for the coffee we’d arranged and I rang him and said if you don’t have time for a 30 minute coffee then that tells me all I need to know really. 
 

We spoke briefly at work yesterday then he asked if he could walk me to my car, then messaged me when I got home saying he was sorry he upset me today and he didn’t know how to be around me, saying if I give you distance and don’t speak to you it looks rude and will piss you off and if I make conversation and chat with you, it’ll upset you. I’m not really sure where the upset thing has come from as I wasn’t upset at all in work today so I’m not sure why he’s asking that, but he has a huge issue with feeling worried that he’s upset me, so I think he’s looking for me to smooth it over so he doesn’t feel bad about things, eg if I’m saying no no it’s all fine he doesn’t have any guilt about ending it. 

While you’re mourning this friendship or feeling a loss, I hope you also come to realize how unnecessary this all is. It’s high drama, feeling unworthy and out of place, reactions and responses from a person that make no sense, plans that fall through all to not be open about the relationship, to hide his secrets and play a game according to his limitations.

And another thing I’d like to point out is you’re single and he is not. You’re free to see and meet anyone you want. Don’t run away from that. Run into it. You’re underestimating the possibilities open to you. Avoid attaching yourself to others who don’t have similar freedoms. 

He may have been a friend at some point but he’s no friend at all if he’s dragging you into his messes and crossing boundaries.

The part about mentioning you’re upset is just another flimsy maneuver to create emotional issues and drama and get you to open up so that he can reassure you or be that figure/person to you. If you don’t feel good about it just ignore and don’t respond to his comment. If you see him in person and he tries to speak to you tell him you’re moving on and wish him the best. Don’t respond to any invitations for coffee meet ups and mute his contact on your personal phone. There’s no reason to be getting his messages. 

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I think what would help you get over him would be to stop looking at this as some tragic situation where 2 people are deeply in love with each other but cannot be together because or circumstances.  As I said before if he wanted to be with you he had that opportunity before he dated this girl, asked this girl to live with him and then gave her a baby.  People who are carrying a torch for someone else doesn't do that when they are ready to settle down.  Especially as you said that he'd never had a relationship before her that lasted longer than 18 months.  He was still communicating with you during that time.   If he was still carrying a torch why wouldn't he resume dating you and drop her?  I'm saying all of this because cheaters lie.  I know how it hurts when you want someone and feel that they want you too; but are being prevented from being together because of circumstances that are out of their control.  Well his aren't.  If he really cared about his baby he would not be cheating on it's mother putting the child at risk of losing it's happy home.  He would man up and not be so selfish.  If you were sitting in her seat he would be cheating on you.

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21 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

It’s really difficult. In my case, we had a 5 year friendship , then another 3 years of E and P relationship. That’s a lot of years to unpick and close off easily. But it was never really going anywhere (for him anyway). 
I think what really pisses me off is when men blame their partner for their unhappiness and home life-

justifying a side relationship. I left my ex when our daughter was only 2. I was so unhappy and our relationship just wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I was vilified by the family but just couldn’t stay. It was incredibly difficult 6 years ago but we all moved through it to the other side and have equal parental responsibility with access to his extended family every single week. It can be done… if you really want it. Sadly, after weighing up the pros and cons it’s just too much for some men in these situations.

 

Yes I think you’re right…obviously I understand the after effects of someone leaving their family because I’ve been on the other side of it. With the person I’ve been involved with, his relationship isn’t toxic or fraught with fighting, it’s just very flat and difficult because of his partner’s issues. But I imagine to be in that position to walk away you’d have to be in a much more difficult situation at home than he is. My previous relationship with my Children’s father was so different because he was out of the country so much that it didn’t make a huge difference anyway when we broke up. I do find it hard though to not look back a lot and wish I’d chosen a different life for myself with a partner who was around more…I’m struggling at the moment to stop ruminating on what could have been if I’d chosen an easier path and move forward.

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17 hours ago, glows said:

While you’re mourning this friendship or feeling a loss, I hope you also come to realize how unnecessary this all is. It’s high drama, feeling unworthy and out of place, reactions and responses from a person that make no sense, plans that fall through all to not be open about the relationship, to hide his secrets and play a game according to his limitations.

And another thing I’d like to point out is you’re single and he is not. You’re free to see and meet anyone you want. Don’t run away from that. Run into it. You’re underestimating the possibilities open to you. Avoid attaching yourself to others who don’t have similar freedoms. 

He may have been a friend at some point but he’s no friend at all if he’s dragging you into his messes and crossing boundaries.

The part about mentioning you’re upset is just another flimsy maneuver to create emotional issues and drama and get you to open up so that he can reassure you or be that figure/person to you. If you don’t feel good about it just ignore and don’t respond to his comment. If you see him in person and he tries to speak to you tell him you’re moving on and wish him the best. Don’t respond to any invitations for coffee meet ups and mute his contact on your personal phone. There’s no reason to be getting his messages. 

Thank you. We spoke throughout the day yesterday on text (we are seeing each other in work today and I didn’t want an atmosphere as the job we do, it is pretty impossible for us to work together if that’s the case). He kept saying he still wants to talk to me and grab coffee etc - personally I just feel like that’s kind of feeding his ego of having me there as an emotional crutch and outlet, whilst at the same time alleviating his guilt of feeling like he’s not *actually* cheating because it’s ‘platonic’. I ended the conversation and he was still saying night night and I’ll see your beautiful face tomorrow - obviously I didn’t reply to that but really after things have ended I don’t think it’s right he’s still making those references, I’m certainly not the other way around. If I hadn’t brought it to the table a few days ago I think he’d still have carried on messaging me and wouldn’t have actually ever ended it himself until pushed. It’s weird, I’ve always thought men who wants affairs just want the physical side - mine has breakdowns whenever anything physical happens over the guilt but just wants to talk to me consistently. 
 

You’re right about being single and I’d love to meet someone else, that’s the best way to move on and I’m free to pursue other options whilst his situation isn’t going to change.

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12 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

I do find it hard though to not look back a lot and wish I’d chosen a different life for myself with a partner who was around more…I’m struggling at the moment to stop ruminating on what could have been if I’d chosen an easier path and move forward.

The rumination is difficult 😞 

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14 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think what would help you get over him would be to stop looking at this as some tragic situation where 2 people are deeply in love with each other but cannot be together because or circumstances.  As I said before if he wanted to be with you he had that opportunity before he dated this girl, asked this girl to live with him and then gave her a baby.  People who are carrying a torch for someone else doesn't do that when they are ready to settle down.  Especially as you said that he'd never had a relationship before her that lasted longer than 18 months.  He was still communicating with you during that time.   If he was still carrying a torch why wouldn't he resume dating you and drop her?  I'm saying all of this because cheaters lie.  I know how it hurts when you want someone and feel that they want you too; but are being prevented from being together because of circumstances that are out of their control.  Well his aren't.  If he really cared about his baby he would not be cheating on it's mother putting the child at risk of losing it's happy home.  He would man up and not be so selfish.  If you were sitting in her seat he would be cheating on you.

No I agree entirely with what you’re saying. There’s many factors at play…he’s a perfectionist, to a pretty strong degree and comes from a very stable family background where he’s always envisaged the 2.4 family etc. I’ve never been able to fit into that box for him and he’s so obsessed with what other people think of him that I don’t think he could ever get his head around not having that ‘perfect’ set up. But of course you’re right, ultimately he’s a cheat and had we have ended up together, having witnessed the lengths he went to to cover up our conversations etc I could never had trusted him in a million years. He’s exceptionally good looking and into his own appearance and I think never having had a relationship longer than 18 months is down to basically having too many options and not being able to commit to one, he wasn’t actually living with his girlfriend when she fell pregnant and I think it just forced his hand into settling down. But, none of this is my problem, he has made his bed and I need to wean myself off him and stop providing him with an emotional crutch and essentially be his outlet from seemingly the boredom he’s suffering at home.

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9 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

The rumination is difficult 😞 

I’m so glad you’ve said that, I have some friends in a similar situation who just say you have to focus on how your life is now and never look back but sometimes it’s so hard. I look at my ex, with a new family now and at the age I am, most of my friends are settled down with kids and it is really lonely sometimes to see the big family set ups and feel like you’re an outsider because you don’t have it. I don’t want to sound bitter, I’m so happy for everyone else who is happy but it’s so hard sometimes to not wish I’d picked someone else. I had quite severe PCOS when I was younger (seems to have balanced out a lot now after having my children) and I was told I may really struggle to have them so I think I was just so worried about not being able to have a family, that I chose the wrong person to do it with. I’d obviously never swap them but in so many ways I’d give anything to turn back the clock and I need to find a way to stop thinking like that!

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7 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

I’m so glad you’ve said that, I have some friends in a similar situation who just say you have to focus on how your life is now and never look back but sometimes it’s so hard. I look at my ex, with a new family now and at the age I am, most of my friends are settled down with kids and it is really lonely sometimes to see the big family set ups and feel like you’re an outsider because you don’t have it. I don’t want to sound bitter, I’m so happy for everyone else who is happy but it’s so hard sometimes to not wish I’d picked someone else. I had quite severe PCOS when I was younger (seems to have balanced out a lot now after having my children) and I was told I may really struggle to have them so I think I was just so worried about not being able to have a family, that I chose the wrong person to do it with. I’d obviously never swap them but in so many ways I’d give anything to turn back the clock and I need to find a way to stop thinking like that!

I know what you mean but we can’t change the past. I’m forever looking back over my shoulder and I think it stops me moving forward in any meaningful way. Probably why my situation carried on for so long when really it should have ended a long time ago! 
It really annoyed me when my friend would advise me to find new hobbies or try and meet people. Felt the last thing I wanted to do, but distraction through the early days does help a bit. 

I deleted and blocked him then immediately regretted it in case he never contacted me again! it seemed so extreme at the time but really there was no point in carrying on a friendship (which he wanted) to leave that door open. I just knew I’d be forever waiting for that message notification and I’d be back on the rollercoaster

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1 minute ago, Bubble_20 said:

I know what you mean but we can’t change the past. I’m forever looking back over my shoulder and I think it stops me moving forward in any meaningful way. Probably why my situation carried on for so long when really it should have ended a long time ago! 
It really annoyed me when my friend would advise me to find new hobbies or try and meet people. Felt the last thing I wanted to do, but distraction through the early days does help a bit. 

I deleted and blocked him then immediately regretted it in case he never contacted me again! it seemed so extreme at the time but really there was no point in carrying on a friendship (which he wanted) to leave that door open. I just knew I’d be forever waiting for that message notification and I’d be back on the rollercoaster

Yeah I understand. Mine is absolutely still going to try and keep in touch with me, last night made that pretty obvious to me. Unfortunately when it’s with a colleague the dynamics change a lot and the option of blocking, unfollowing etc truly isn’t there for me because it would make things very obvious. Our work is a hot bed for gossip and people would have put two and two together by the end of the week especially because they know we dated previously.

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10 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

Yeah I understand. Mine is absolutely still going to try and keep in touch with me, last night made that pretty obvious to me. Unfortunately when it’s with a colleague the dynamics change a lot and the option of blocking, unfollowing etc truly isn’t there for me because it would make things very obvious. Our work is a hot bed for gossip and people would have put two and two together by the end of the week especially because they know we dated previously.

Definitely more tricky when you work together.

I really miss the daily banter and chat. We had so much in common it felt like a huge void when he exited. He obviously had his own void to fill but that’s his problem to sort out. 
On my low moments of rumination I try to visualise how devastated his wife and kids would be if they ever found out what we had been up to. It strengthens the resolve to try and be a better person and never bring that on myself or others in the future.    

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38 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

Definitely more tricky when you work together.

I really miss the daily banter and chat. We had so much in common it felt like a huge void when he exited. He obviously had his own void to fill but that’s his problem to sort out. 
On my low moments of rumination I try to visualise how devastated his wife and kids would be if they ever found out what we had been up to. It strengthens the resolve to try and be a better person and never bring that on myself or others in the future.    

Totally understand what you mean about a void. Mine clearly doesn’t want to stop the daily banter and chat and that’s the most difficult thing when I haven’t got anyone to replace that with yet - to put the boundaries in and say no, I’m not still giving you your fix, when I don’t yet have a replacement. One thing I am good at though is not caving in and messaging - it was a huge bone of contention between us that he felt he always messaged me first and initiated the conversations, he’d always moan that he felt I didn’t return it but it was because I didn’t want to feel like I was chasing someone else’s partner. So he knows definitely now that I won’t be reaching out to him, and hopefully once today is over and we don’t work together for a week or so I will be strong enough to resist any attempts from him.

It’s true about all the devastation it would cause and again I know this first hand which is why I struggled so much with getting involved in the first place. But sometimes your heart rules your head as awful as it is. 

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1 hour ago, Lisa80 said:

. I look at my ex, with a new family now and at the age I am, most of my friends are settled down with kids and it is really lonely sometimes to see the big family set ups and feel like you’re an outsider because you don’t have it.

Sorry this is happening. However this co-worker is the furthest thing from finding any of this. In fact you're an outsider in this co-workers life.

The sooner you step back and free yourself to date viable available men, the sooner you'll be happy.

Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people. So this co-worker is sort of a way for you to avoid real relationships and real intimacy, while living in a world of what ifs.

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. However this co-worker is the furthest thing from finding any of this. In fact you're an outsider in this co-workers life.

The sooner you step back and free yourself to date viable available men, the sooner you'll be happy.

Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people. So this co-worker is sort of a way for you to avoid real relationships and real intimacy, while living in a world of what ifs.

Thank you. Totally agree with the first couple of paragraphs. I’m sure there’s some logic to the unavailable people choosing other unavailable people theory…for me though I’m very available and looking for a real relationship and the reasons for choosing him if you like were more related to past history and what felt like unfinished business between us. I brought things to a head because I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed from him & I wasn’t happy to keep going in that manner. 

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59 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

haven’t got anyone to replace that with yet -

Imho this is why you got into trouble in the first place. There should not be anyone or anything that gives us that much comfort other than ourselves. Otherwise we rely too much on others or things (eg drugs, alcohol, excessive shopping etc) to make us feel good or to self soothe. I wish you well. 

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On 3/5/2022 at 12:41 AM, Lisa80 said:

Thank you for replying. Sorry if I wasn’t clear, he didn’t leave anyone he’s still with his partner and they’re raising their baby. 
 

You’re very right in the woe is me assessment, I don’t feel sorry for him now, I think he was looking for attention and whilst I believe his feelings for me were genuine, he’s never going to leave his little one nor would I want to be responsible for breaking up a family, especially having had this done to me. I’m just stuck with still being besotted with him despite all the red flags…and wondering how I can move past this when I see him so often. He’s sadly the person in my life I’ve had the strongest feelings for and I’m just struggling to know how to get over it. 

You get over it by quitting that job and never contacting him again.

you weren’t the one he prioritized when he was single - and he’s willing now to participate while you’re willing to be his OW. This isn’t a good guy - he’s a total jerk. He’s not a good dad…a good dad wouldn’t do this to his family.

find a new job asap and tell him to grow up. He’s been using and manipulating you - because you’ve allowed it. Stop allowing it.

date men who are available. And don’t date people you work with. 

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11 minutes ago, Ha-ha said:

Imho this is why you got into trouble in the first place. There should not be anyone or anything that gives us that much comfort other than ourselves. Otherwise we rely too much on others or things (eg drugs, alcohol, excessive shopping etc) to make us feel good or to self soothe. I wish you well. 

Thank you. I agree to an extent but when you’ve been single for a while I think it’s natural to crave not necessarily comfort but that romantic side of life which ultimately, you can’t give to yourself. I’m lucky in many ways, I have two lovely children, what would be seen as a pretty great job, lovely home, good friends, I don’t want to sound conceited in any way but I’d say I’m attractive, I do some modelling and work hard to stay in shape, I try and do all the right things to improve myself and make myself happy. Sometimes someone just comes along and gives you the type of romantic attention that you can’t give yourself.

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