Healing and acceptance

[S2B]

That kind of chemistry makes people do things that aren’t smart. Don’t think that kind of chemistry is working to your advantage. 

[Lisa80]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

You get over it by quitting that job and never contacting him again.

you weren’t the one he prioritized when he was single - and he’s willing now to participate while you’re willing to be his OW. This isn’t a good guy - he’s a total jerk. He’s not a good dad…a good dad wouldn’t do this to his family.

find a new job asap and tell him to grow up. He’s been using and manipulating you - because you’ve allowed it. Stop allowing it.

date men who are available. And don’t date people you work with. 

Thank you. I was willing to play that role for a short time when I thought it was going somewhere, once I got wise to it consistently stalling I have called him out on it and brought ending it to a head, even though obviously I’m really sad about it, I knew I couldn’t allow it to carry on for my own sanity and self respect.

Finding a new job will be exceptionally tough as the field I work in is extremely limited, I would have to leave the city to get this role elsewhere and with my children in school etc it’s extremely difficult but obviously that would be the ideal solution. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Lisa80]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

That kind of chemistry makes people do things that aren’t smart. Don’t think that kind of chemistry is working to your advantage. 

Ahhhh don’t I know it! But whilst that chemistry is very much still there for him it’s worn off for me now because obviously you start to feel you’re being strung along and that’s not an attractive feeling. So it’s a lot less of a problem than it was initially. 

[S2B]

So just keep reminding him regularly how much of a jerk he is when he approaches you to flirt. Make him uncomfortable enough that he chooses to leave for a new job.

the more you entice him - the more he wants to stay there. So cool the temperature enough that he feels the cold chill. In the meantime - do some job searches so if he doesn’t leave you can consider something new during the summertime when a school change would be easier for the kids.

start dating available men. That will also make him less appealing to you.

Edited March 7, 2022 by S2B

[Lisa80]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

So just keep reminding him regularly how much of a jerk he is when he approaches you to flirt. Make him uncomfortable enough that he chooses to leave for a new job.

the more you entice him - the more he wants to stay there. So cool the temperature enough that he feels the cold chill. In the meantime - do some job searches so if he doesn’t leave you can consider something new during the summertime when a school change would be easier for the kids.

start dating available men. That will also make him less appealing to you.

Thank you. Once today is done with we won’t see each other until next week, he will likely reach out during that time and I’ll have more confidence in telling him he can’t still speak to me all the time, knowing I don’t have to face him the day after. It’s only delaying the inevitable though as I’ll need to see him at some point. It’s much harder when it was a friendship before it turned romantic as that’s what’s hardest to let go of but once I meet someone else it won’t enter my head anywhere near as much.

[glows]

Since you’re dealing with him at work remain consistent and don’t respond to any comments related to your looks, ie “beautiful face” or other blithe nonsense remarks. Of course you’re beautiful. Stating the obvious isn’t going to win him a Nobel Peace Prize or a coffee date. If it persists, calmly and firmly tell him those comments aren’t appreciated.

Unfortunately some take longer for it to sink in when you’re not interested and you’ve been participating in this for some time. Stay professional and excuse yourself from the area whenever you don’t need to interact for work related issues. 

Are you part of any organizations or clubs in your area? I suggest making an effort, slowly albeit surely, and start making new friends. The loss of friendship can be profound and painful. It takes time to let go but do it anyway and busy yourself. You’ll be looking at your phone for other messages and appointments and looking forward to other events and this will fade eventually. You’ll just have to take care during this time and be consistent in putting this behind you. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

Thank you. I agree to an extent but when you’ve been single for a while I think it’s natural to crave not necessarily comfort but that romantic side of life which ultimately, you can’t give to yourself. I’m lucky in many ways, I have two lovely children, what would be seen as a pretty great job, lovely home, good friends, I don’t want to sound conceited in any way but I’d say I’m attractive, I do some modelling and work hard to stay in shape, I try and do all the right things to improve myself and make myself happy. Sometimes someone just comes along and gives you the type of romantic attention that you can’t give yourself.

I agree. 

I think the challenge on this site is, there are many individuals who become so invested that we hear a lot of “He is the ONLY one for me. I don’t know how I will ever let go and move on, etc…” Easy to feel when you are excited about a new relationship - we all can get really excited about the other person we are dating and the prospect of a new relationship! That said, when it ends an emotionally healthy person will gain perspective and find a way to move forward with a sense of self worth and self confidence. Those who are not emotionally healthy tend to get stuck in the “this is a love that is fated in the stars. He is MY person, there is nobody else and I don’t know what I would be without this man/relationship/drama in my life.” You don’t seem to have gone too far down that rabbit hole - good on you! Of course, you will miss his companionship and support but there are other ways to find that, other men to date, other things in life - 

I believe what was said above, if it was meant to be he would have chosen to be with you at some point along this journey. And the fact that he didn’t do that while involving himself in other relationships and impregnating other women means - he is not the guy for you! 

[Lisa80]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I agree. 

I think the challenge on this site is, there are many individuals who become so invested that we hear a lot of “He is the ONLY one for me. I don’t know how I will ever let go and move on, etc…” Easy to feel when you are excited about a new relationship - we all can get really excited about the other person we are dating and the prospect of a new relationship! That said, when it ends an emotionally healthy person will gain perspective and find a way to move forward with a sense of self worth and self confidence. Those who are not emotionally healthy tend to get stuck in the “this is a love that is fated in the stars. He is MY person, there is nobody else and I don’t know what I would be without this man/relationship/drama in my life.” You don’t seem to have gone too far down that rabbit hole - good on you! Of course, you will miss his companionship and support but there are other ways to find that, other men to date, other things in life - 

I believe what was said above, if it was meant to be he would have chosen to be with you at some point along this journey. And the fact that he didn’t do that while involving himself in other relationships and impregnating other women means - he is not the guy for you! 

I don’t think I’ve fallen absolutely allllll the way down that rabbit hole…but I do think I’m struggling to get out of it. I can logically think, there’s billions of people in the world, and clearly he wasn’t perfect - but he is the person who’s touched me the most by far in my life so far. I saw him today and he tried to make jokes and a conversation but it’s so hard, I don’t know how to act as I don’t want to cut him off but equally I feel like a mug just laughing along like everything’s cool when ultimately, I’m still in love with him and I’m really hurting. He asked to leave with me, we left together and I couldn’t really hide it in the lift, it was obvious I was pissed off and he said you’re like a smiling assassin, I can tell you’re furious but you’re trying to put on a front. Obviously he knows me inside out and he’s right really. 
 

I don’t think we will speak now because he could sense my frostiness today…I think he’ll just leave me well alone. Which is for the best but the sudden realisation that we won’t see or speak to each other for about ten days now…whilst I know that’s good it’s also hit me quite hard.

And I agree with your final paragraph but also that’s the hardest thing to accept I suppose, the realisation that I was more invested in him and it won’t be hurting him as much. He keeps saying to me he’s not fine and he’s genuinely upset but, at the end of the day he goes home to his cosy house and it won’t hit him as hard. Obviously it’s early days I’m sure I’ll be fine but yeah, found today quite tough. Thank you for your reply.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lisa80 said:

that’s the hardest thing to accept I suppose, the realisation that I was more invested in him and it won’t be hurting him as much. He keeps saying to me he’s not fine and he’s genuinely upset but, at the end of the day he goes home to his cosy house and it won’t hit him as hard.

No, it won’t hit him as hard. He was your primary relationship. You were not his primary relationship. He has another partner, and a baby on the way, and he has decided to move forward with his family - Indeed, he goes home to his cozy house where there is someone else waiting for him. 

I think with a little time and distance you will file this as something that was just not meant to be. And, I have to wonder if with a little time and distance you will see this as a bullet dodged - you don’t need this kind of relationship drama in your life and you want a partner who is committed to you and who you can trust. He ain’t it. 

Edited March 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lisa80]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, it won’t hit him as hard. He was your primary relationship. You were not his primary relationship. He has another partner, and a baby on the way, and he has decided to move forward with his family - Indeed, he goes home to his cozy house where there is someone else waiting for him. 

I think with a little time and distance you will file this as something that was just not meant to be. And, I have to wonder if with a little time and distance you will see this as a bullet dodged - you don’t need this kind of relationship drama in your life and you want a partner who is committed to you and who you can trust. He ain’t it. 

Thank you, yes their baby is 18 months old now so he has a lot to keep his mind occupied. I think you’re right about the bullet dodged situation…I don’t think men like that really change, I’d be absolutely amazed if he remains faithful to his partner for the rest of their time together and of course I want someone I can trust implicitly - especially after what happened in the relationship with my childrens’ father. Now I’ve seen how he deletes call logs, texts, any shred of evidence of communication, I’d become a paranoid wreck I think wondering if the same was being done to me if we were together. There is a kind of bitterness in thinking, he gets away with it and still gets the picture perfect ending, I don’t want to think like that because it makes me sound awful and doesn’t do me any favours but of course I do a bit. I suppose it’s all just time and distance. No contact for a couple of weeks now should help a lot. 

Edited March 7, 2022 by Lisa80

[S2B]

You are better off long term if you are the one to take steps to block any contact/change jobs/take your power back.

don’t allow him to engage you in ANY personal exchanges. 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

Now I’ve seen how he deletes call logs, texts, any shred of evidence of communication, I’d become a paranoid wreck I think wondering if the same was being done to me if we were together.

This is a sign that he's been in this rodeo before.  He will get into another affair.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

There’s many factors at play…he’s a perfectionist, to a pretty strong degree and comes from a very stable family background where he’s always envisaged the 2.4 family etc. I’ve never been able to fit into that box for him and he’s so obsessed with what other people think of him that I don’t think he could ever get his head around not having that ‘perfect’ set up.

Do you mean because you already have a child?  If he were that much of a perfectionist he wouldn't be seeing you at all if your child mattered.  You are making excuses for him when if a man considered me lesser because I have a child he would not be the man for me.  A man who would feel that way about you and your child is not in with love you.

[Lisa80]

45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is a sign that he's been in this rodeo before.  He will get into another affair.

To be honest I don’t think he’s ever had a long enough relationship before to actually have had an affair before! 😂 All his past relationships have ended once the honeymoon phase wore off and I think what he’s hit now is just the natural calming down after a couple of years when things become a bit more routine. But I absolutely agree he’ll do it again. He’ll always get opportunities because sadly he is very good looking when things are even more routine down the line…but again it’s not my problem, I need to just focus on myself and keeping my distance now. He won’t reach out after things were frosty today and I absolutely won’t contact him so, just got to get my head around not speaking to him.

[Lisa80]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Do you mean because you already have a child?  If he were that much of a perfectionist he wouldn't be seeing you at all if your child mattered.  You are making excuses for him when if a man considered me lesser because I have a child he would not be the man for me.  A man who would feel that way about you and your child is not in with love you.

Yes I have two and when we first dated obviously we barely knew each other at all save for one meeting in the office, he’d just got out of a relationship with a girl who had one child and had found that quite tough as she wanted him to be quite hands on. To be honest I get this, when I didn’t have children I would have found it quite daunting dating someone with two. Once we started working together, became friends and things developed it wasn’t an issue at all, he asked me about the kids every day and he met my little boy. But by that point he had a son of his own on the way, he is utterly devoted to his child, gets very emotional even being away from him for a night or two with work, so, he’d never be able to walk away from him. And again as a parent I understand that too because I’d never leave mine. 

[Starswillshine]

44 minutes ago, Lisa80 said:

he is utterly devoted to his child, gets very emotional even being away from him for a night or two with work, so, he’d never be able to walk away from him.

Except for engaging in behavior that risk this very thing

[Lisa80]

10 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Except for engaging in behavior that risk this very thing

Can’t argue with that…!

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lisa80 said:

He’d just got out of a relationship with a girl who had one child and had found that quite tough as she wanted him to be quite hands on.

So if he was actually in a relationship with a girl who had a child, he obviously didn't care what his family or people thought of that.  So it doesn't add up that he wouldn't try to get in a relationship/marriage with you because you had a child.  And, people can cheat even in very short relationships during the honeymoon period.  There are men engaged to be married sho who cheat.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Except for engaging in behavior that risk this very thing

The one thing that gives MM all the excuses they need is the birth of a child.  The child becomes the excuse for everything.

[Lisa80]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

So if he was actually in a relationship with a girl who had a child, he obviously didn't care what his family or people thought of that.  So it doesn't add up that he wouldn't try to get in a relationship/marriage with you because you had a child.  And, people can cheat even in very short relationships during the honeymoon period.  There are men engaged to be married sho who cheat.

Yes I know what you mean, when I say relationship it was a few months and the first time he’d dated a single parent and said he couldn’t handle it. Then obviously I came along and had two children so, definitely couldn’t handle that. Anyway I’ve gone way far back into his past here 😂 what matters is focusing on moving forward with my own future and trying to get him out of my mind for good. I don’t want to look back and regret wasting so much time on him and I’ve wasted too much already.

[Lisa80]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

The one thing that gives MM all the excuses they need is the birth of a child.  The child becomes the excuse for everything.

Totally agree they can use them as an excuse although as I parent I do understand why you’d never be able to leave them as well. It’s a toughie, it’s an excuse sometimes but at the same time often the most valid and understandable reason for not wanting to walk away.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

he ... gets the picture perfect ending,

Perhaps, but if it was really THAT great for him would he be looking to you (or potentially others) to actually cheat? No doubt some folks would, but probably not most people. I suspect there are plenty of not-so-great marriages out that manage to "endure"...

[Lisa80]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps, but if it was really THAT great for him would he be looking to you (or potentially others) to actually cheat? No doubt some folks would, but probably not most people. I suspect there are plenty of not-so-great marriages out that manage to "endure"...

Agreed…I guess a lot of the time the risk of the unknown is too much, unless the situation at home is really toxic and damaging and you have to walk away. His isn’t, it’s just dull. I imagine in the next few weeks he’ll feel sad, then probably better because the guilt will have gone, but ultimately not speaking to me won’t change the things at home that led him to look for an outlet in the first place. I’m absolutely his best friend here aside of course from his partner, he moved to this area for work and all his social circle is a good three hours away so it will hit him not having someone to talk to but I felt at times he was almost using me as his therapist, telling me about all his relationship problems and confidence issues, and I couldn’t play that role in his life, it wasn’t fair on me.

[Wiseman2]

When you address the real issue of single parenthood, feeling abandoned by their father and the loneliness, you'll feel better.

When you get this thorn out of your side, you'll feel better.

When you get an evaluation for your physical and mental health and a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support, you'll feel better.

Once you address the voids and issues, leaning on someone like this, who's doing more harm than good will be unnessary.

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Lisa80 said:

I felt at times he was almost using me as his therapist, telling me about all his relationship problems and confidence issues, and I couldn’t play that role in his life, it wasn’t fair on me.

No, it wasn’t fair to you. It never is fair to the other woman/man. 

This is text book affair stuff - he’s been playing it straight from the text book. 

As you have learned, married men have a way of landing on their feet. They find a way to get their needs met - if not you, he will turn to his wife or find himself another woman. As you said, time for you to look forward and find what you really want in life - 

Edited March 8, 2022 by BaileyB