Baby and break up

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jay125 said:

 

I have met my ex and baby a couple of times in last 12 days .. depriving baby of dad contact.

She is not depriving you of contact. You need to apply to the courts/social workers for scheduled custody and visitation. You also need to pay structured child support for your child.

 Stop focusing on reconciliation because she wants you to "move on" and does not want you moving into her place. Focus on fair and equitable child support for the child and a structured visitation schedule. 

If you are presenting a risk of abduction/custodial interference in order to reconcile the social workers/courts will not look fondly on that. So step back from the "dad deprivation" line of talk. She Is Not barring you from seeing the child. She is allowing visitation when it can be managed. Don't use children as a tug-of-war to get someone back.

[Jay125]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is not depriving you of contact. You need to apply to the courts/social workers for scheduled custody and visitation. You also need to pay structured child support for your child.

 Stop focusing on reconciliation because she wants you to "move on" and does not want you moving into her place. Focus on fair and equitable child support for the child and a structured visitation schedule. 

If you are presenting a risk of abduction/custodial interference in order to reconcile the social workers/courts will not look fondly on that. So step back from the "dad deprivation" line of talk. She Is Not barring you from seeing the child. She is allowing visitation when it can be managed. Don't use children as a tug-of-war to get someone back.

That is definitely not the case-I am aware of the delicacy of the matter here. 
 

re relationship she gives mixed signals. But at the moment just wants alone so I never push. It came up in our conversation the other day. But I’ve been advised to not go back by everyone I know anyway so I think it’s just missing my child and hoping it will be different blah de blah. So I am aware of this 

she is limiting contact. I was promised it would be easy and I could see her when I liked at break up point but I’ve only seen her a few times since November despite asking and trying. The support needs to be made official (this was advice I got formally)  as I over pay at the moment which is my choice and I buy stuff when I can as I want involvement and to help where I can. I feel guilt for not being able to help and I naturally went to besides that. 
One of those two visits was impromptu and was minutes long as she asked me to get some stuff for them so I jumped at it and delivered the shopping and then had about 10 minutes to see baby.

She is on mat leave and has been since July last year, has huge support and sees friends mostly or baby groups etc so I am

never prioritised. It just hurts as I feel I am missing a lot of development 

thanks for the input 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Jay125

[glows]

3 hours ago, Jay125 said:

re the day trips she mentioned recently, I brought this up again and she said baby steps needed so is not ready yet. I’ve asked when next visit can be and still no confirmation. Practically begged 

she says it’s still my fault about all this and that it’ll happen again etc (I’ll get Cross or be inconsistent) there is no regard for the other side of things. I have been nothing but supportive in all this since as it is my desire to be so. 

I agree this is serious control and manipulation as said above and unhinged behaviour from ex 

so I have got legal advice as advised and I will action if this doesn’t improve shortly 

 

what do you think? 

Continue consulting with your lawyer and tell this(above) to your lawyer. Keep working towards shared legal custody and don’t beg her to see your daughter. Don’t respond to her comments accusing you or saying it’s your fault. 

If you need counselling seek counselling from a trained professional instead of responding to your ex or seeking answers from her.

[Jay125]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Continue consulting with your lawyer and tell this(above) to your lawyer. Keep working towards shared legal custody and don’t beg her to see your daughter. Don’t respond to her comments accusing you or saying it’s your fault. 

If you need counselling seek counselling from a trained professional instead of responding to your ex or seeking answers from her.

Thanks 

I stopped arguing weeks ago. I looked up grey rocking as that is largely what I do 

If we argue she accuses me of being far worse than I am and that goes back to her parents and friends etc. I have met pushed at all 

just shown interest etc, a desire to help and be kind, have shown her respect at bringing up my baby alone as it were and I have done all I can from a distance by respecting boundaries. It’s just exhausting as I feel so deprived of my kid 

Legal stuff will stress my ex out but now I’ve sought advice as per the advice on this forum it is close to actioning it 

the last thing I want to do 

 

yes I have a trained counsellor 

and she says it’s not my fault. Part of the issue has been self blame all along and I realise it’s not all my fault but I still struggle with this 

Edited March 14, 2022 by Jay125

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Jay125 said:

Thanks 

I stopped arguing weeks ago. I looked up grey rocking as that is largely what I do 

If we argue she accuses me of being far worse than I am and that goes back to her parents and friends etc. I have met pushed at all 

just shown interest etc, a desire to help and be kind, have shown her respect at bringing up my baby alone as it were and I have done all I can from a distance by respecting boundaries. It’s just exhausting as I feel so deprived of my kid 

Legal stuff will stress my ex out but now I’ve sought advice as per the advice on this forum it is close to actioning it 

the last thing I want to do 

Do what you have to do not what you like to do. Nothing about an acrid or hostile ex is pleasant or non-exhausting/uplifting. You’ll have to let go of the idea that this is pleasant or civil. The more you keep trying to appeal to her the more she uses it to manipulate you or guilt you or make accusations. The focus is your daughter not about your ex so stay on track with that thought and keep reminding yourself you’re here for your daughter only.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Jay125 said:

Legal stuff will stress my ex out

Tough cookies. She's the one manufacturing drama, and there are consequences. She is making the choice every day to incite chaos. She is thus bringing the stress on herself for not behaving like a rational and mature adult.

3 hours ago, Jay125 said:

I am never prioritised. It just hurts as I feel I am missing a lot of development 

You are correct on both counts. She doesn't have those feelings for you and doesn't want you to play a significant role in her life. And you are missing a lot of your baby's development, which is going to continue the longer you take in actually pursuing legal action. 

I know you are holding out hope that you two will reunite, but it's very evident reading this thread that it's not going to happen. You would be wise to let go of that idea and start focusing on implementing your rights as the baby's father, with your lawyer guiding the process. 

[Jay125]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Tough cookies. She's the one manufacturing drama, and there are consequences. She is making the choice every day to incite chaos. She is thus bringing the stress on herself for not behaving like a rational and mature adult.

You are correct on both counts. She doesn't have those feelings for you and doesn't want you to play a significant role in her life. And you are missing a lot of your baby's development, which is going to continue the longer you take in actually pursuing legal action. 

I know you are holding out hope that you two will reunite, but it's very evident reading this thread that it's not going to happen. You would be wise to let go of that idea and start focusing on implementing your rights as the baby's father, with your lawyer guiding the process. 

You always have a fantastic way of putting it. Thank you for connecting again and I found your comment previously about it crashing and burning regardless of me to be very helpful. I read it often and it helps 

I’m damned either way as when I back off, I am accused of not texting enough etc or not caring. 
 

what is the motivation of this person? What are they 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Jay125 said:

what is the motivation of this person? What are they 

From experience, I have learned it is pointless to try to understand the behaviour of unstable and erratic people. 

Unless you are wired that way yourself (which you aren't), you won't ever be able to understand. Focus less on  "why is she like this?" and more on the "how do I do best by my baby?" now. 

[Wiseman2]

Get an organized custody and visitation schedule either through appropriate discussions or through courts.

Get an appropriate and organized child support payment in place. Ad hoc parenting is not good for anyone involved.

Get the relationship talks out of it. She doesn't want to reconcile, so you'll have to accept that.

Whatever you do. Be consistent. Don't run over last minute with this or that. Send child support payments for that.

Don't run over for a few minutes here and there. Get organized visitation.

[Jay125]

Hi all, Thought I would drop in an update for anyone interested after all the efforts you made to help me. Shortly after my last post on here, my ex went on holiday with baby and family and I had no message for a whole week. I later found that baby had been admitted to hospital again for a day during said holiday, and I was not told. I did contact once that week to enquire after baby, to no reply. When my ex returned, she made some effort compared to before and in fairness offered an evening visit, or a (finally) weekend day trip, so we went out for the day. She asked me to move my hands away as i fed one of the animals at the farm we went to, so i was not in photo. It was hurtful, but it was that day she admitted to not putting me on birth certificate when I politely asked if i was on it for sure. She then blamed everything that had happened on me, again. Apart from that, it was a nice day out lol. She dropped hints about baby needing summer stuff after I had already given a lot that month. I obliged (another reason i need distance as i am weak)

We went our separate ways politely and i wrote to her saying I needed to step back for a while as that news really hit me. I then used the time to work with a solicitor for ideas on the ramifications of this, which had started, as i told you above. I wrote her a letter explaining why I was struggling with current arrangements and pitched a last plea for co-operative co parenting sans law but did not send it. I re-established contact just under 4 weeks later, to tell her myself about letter and my then decision to back out for now, and she was furious with me as my usual daily contact i made had stopped. Found out she and baby had contracted covid during my absence, and she did not tell me, and she admitted she had cut off her social media postings around baby to me as i do not care etc, but had put a post about covid up to lure me out (i did not see it until after event). I had explained why i needed space and i know it is irresponsible etc but i just needed to work this out after weeks of begging to help, getting squeezed in etc and putting energy in to baby, her and my own heartache (i know, yawn). My communication channels were always open and she could have reached out and i was open that it was birth cert and the general approach that caused me ask for space, and i was on brink. I did apologise also. This is the first month I have not passed money over as I have over paid massively since we broke up last Nov. This call was 2 weeks ago and she said she would read letter, but I have not sent it. Its quiet again and I am talking again with solicitor slowly and finance depending, discussing options. 

 

Thanks again for everything. Your knowledge and empathy is helpful and appreciated. Hope everyone is well. D 

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure this baby is even yours, OP?

[Jay125]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you sure this baby is even yours, OP?

Well, if I am honest, no. 
I would never have dreamt of that, but this behaviour and lack of empathy correlates with baby not being mine. She was conceived at the right time and there is resemblance, but you wouldn’t know she had a father, and in law she has no dad. Which breaks me.

 

to go on the certificate or to gain parental responsibility, a paternity test is now required. Which is tragic and I was lead along this far. It’s my fault, I should have asked 

 

dreadfully sad 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Jay125 said:

but this behaviour and lack of empathy correlates with baby not being mine.

Yes, her behaviour over the past few months as well not putting you on the birth certificate make me strongly question whether the child is yours. 

She seems to want your money, and that's it. Her absolute refusal to let you get any closer to this child is highly suspicious, OP. I would not proceed with anything more (including financial support) until an official paternity test is conducted. It would not surprise me at this point if it turns out that you are not her father. Speak to your attorney about this immediately. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jay125 said:

to go on the certificate or to gain parental responsibility, a paternity test is now required.

Yes, why not know for sure? You don't want 2 decades of child support for a child unless it's your child.

[Jay125]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, her behaviour over the past few months as well not putting you on the birth certificate make me strongly question whether the child is yours. 

She seems to want your money, and that's it. Her absolute refusal to let you get any closer to this child is highly suspicious, OP. I would not proceed with anything more (including financial supprot) until an official paternity test is conducted. It would not surprise me at this point if it turns out that you are not her father. Speak to your attorney about this immediately. 

It’s a harsh thing to read but entirely accurate and thanks to your help (and other kind posters), and my family, friends and counsellor, I have seen the wood for the trees. Without going in to too much detail (though all my dirty washing is in this thread lol), the timings do match perfectly for conception. It all adds up so well. I would be shocked, but not as shocked as I am about this. She is letting  me see her, even offered for me to see baby alone at times (because ‘I despise her’ no evidence for this statement) though I don’t believe this. It’s all uncertain and all hastily arranged without care. Add in constant rejection and although superficially friendly, pure coldness, and baby is only 7 months, and all the above i mentioned which omits much bad stuff which I detailed in my letter-it certainly correlates in these said respects,  as all this is inhumane treatment. Yes, no more money. 

[Jay125]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, why not know for sure? You don't want 2 decades of child support for a child unless it's your child.

😞 true 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Jay125 said:

the timings do match perfectly for conception. It all adds up so well.

That doesn't mean she wasn't also having sex with someone else around the same time.

I don't mean to be insensitive, but I would be very concerned about this if I were you. 

[Jay125]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That doesn't mean she wasn't also having sex with someone else around the same time.

I don't mean to be insensitive, but I would be very concerned about this if I were you. 

I appreciate tough love and facts. Sadly this is possible. I hadn’t believed it possible

 

[stillafool]

Why on earth are you putting up with all of this?  You need to:

1 - Call for a Paternity test to make sure the baby is yours

2-  If not, move on with your life.  If so,

3- Contact a Family Attorney to set up Child Support and Vistation Rights.

4-Forget about her and move on to someone else.

Edited May 16, 2022 by stillafool

[SingFish]

3 hours ago, Jay125 said:

I appreciate tough love and facts. Sadly this is possible. I hadn’t believed it possible

Sorry you are going through this. 

[Jay125]

10 hours ago, SingFish said:

Sorry you are going through this. 

Thank you so much! This means such a lot. It’s been the most horrible experience I have had. Her family validate this behaviour and none reach out to me and I just see them all enjoying baby and I get at best a couple visits a month. Although as above I’ve stopped this for now for obvious reasons 

but it’s heartbreaking that anyone could behave like this especially when it was so good before. I am finally coming to terms with it which is making it easier to follow advice above. I think she is a good mother despite her treatment of me as baby is happy and she is great with her so for this I am thankful and hence why I have resisted harder tactics or manipulation. But now I have no choice but to progress on from just conversations to hard facts with law 

I haven’t given money this month whilst it is up in the air, but I have overpaid previous months but I still feel wracked with guilt. It’s a losing streak either way from my point of view 

Money and getting bits for baby has been my only taste of parental responsibility since we split. Before then I cared for her for 6 weeks and it was hard and I was in a bad way with the relationship etc, but I long for that contact now 

thanks again for your kindness 

Edited May 17, 2022 by Jay125

[Jay125]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why on earth are you putting up with all of this?  You need to:

1 - Call for a Paternity test to make sure the baby is yours

2-  If not, move on with your life.  If so,

3- Contact a Family Attorney to set up Child Support and Vistation Rights.

4-Forget about her and move on to someone else.

Thank you, I agree 

[Wiseman2]

Even though you both wanted a child this was too much too soon.

Now that you're moved out and the relationship is over, the best thing to do is if questionable, get a paternity test.

Have a court ordered structured custody and visitation schedule. Have court ordered structured child support payments.

The more organized and cooperative your co-parenting is, the more it will benefit everyone, especially the child.

Keep in mind the courts purpose is to protect the child's rights. It doesn't take either of the parents sides.

The child has a right to be supported by both parties until 18 as well as the right to access to both parents.

There are modifications along the way, such as a breastfeeding infant may predominantly stay with the mother, for example.

Edited May 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Jay125]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though you both wanted a child this was too much too soon.

Now that you're moved out and the relationship is over, the best thing to do is if questionable, get a paternity test.

Have a court ordered structured custody and visitation schedule. Have court ordered structured child support payments.

The more organized and cooperative your co-parenting is, the more it will benefit everyone, especially the child.

Keep in mind the courts purpose is to protect the child's rights. It doesn't take either of the parents sides.

The child has a right to be supported by both parties until 18 as well as the right to access to both parents.

There are modifications along the way, such as a breastfeeding infant may predominantly stay with the mother, for example.

Absolutely. I’m game for this. Thank you 

[SingFish]

7 hours ago, Jay125 said:

I still feel wracked with guilt. It’s a losing streak either way from my point of view 

You will know more after the paternity test as to how to proceed. And it's not your fault- if your name were on the birth certificate you would still be paying, it's your ex who has stirred all this up regarding paternity.