Cheating ex doesn't seem to acknowledge break up

[Lifegoeson12]

It’s a long one. But anyway my ex cheated on me back in December and I gave him a second chance. I shouldn’t have but I’m a believer in second chances. 

 

Anyway to cut a long story short he went away with work and cheated again. He told me he didn’t see it that way, he said because his self esteem and confidence are low he needs the boost from others. He also confessed to me that many people on his instagram where flirting with him and he liked it. When I found out he cheated he made no apologies as he didn’t see it as cheating. To make matters worse the day I found out he cheated I also found out I’m ill and have to go for treatment. So it was a very tough day. But I did break up with him. He told me how much he cared, and wanted us to get married and have a future together and so on and that he saw me as the one. Lies I know. Sure when I was in hospital he told me it was a too much responsibility for him that I wanted him to visit me. 

 

Anyway, it’s so bizarre I have a trip coming up with my sister and he was meant to come when we broke up I said I’m assuming your not going to Rome as I needed to sort out accomdation and he said he would still consider going. 

 

He also told none of his friends we broke up. They messaged me being like we have to do dinner when he’s back and then I have to break the news we broke up. He didn’t even tell his best friend. I had too. 

 

My friends think the reason he hasn’t told anyone and is still considering going on holiday with me is because he doesn’t see this as a proper break up and they think he’ll try worm his way back In. He texts me like nothings happened. 

 

I am done with him. I gave him a chance and he blew it, but why would someone still consider going on a holiday with someone who broke up with them and then not tell any of their friends that we broke up? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I am done with him.

Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

There's no need to explain anything to his people.

Have fun on your trip, and of course do not invite him.

[glows]

It’s due to the same reasons he cheats and tries to convince you it’s no big deal. He’s very used to living in his own delusions so him not accepting the break up or telling any of his people or agreeing to go on a trip with you are all very consistent with his delusions. 

You were a part of that also by taking him back the first time after you saw what he really is. I don’t think he treats anything you say seriously and has no regard for your feelings. Asking him if he is going to Rome with you is fishing for trouble. It’s not appropriate at all for him to go with you so why ask at all? 

 

[Lifegoeson12]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s due to the same reasons he cheats and tries to convince you it’s no big deal. He’s very used to living in his own delusions so him not accepting the break up or telling any of his people or agreeing to go on a trip with you are all very consistent with his delusions. 

You were a part of that also by taking him back the first time after you saw what he really is. I don’t think he treats anything you say seriously and has no regard for your feelings. Asking him if he is going to Rome with you is fishing for trouble. It’s not appropriate at all for him to go with you so why ask at all? 

 

It was a big deal when he cheated and I stupidly forgave him. I do think he thinks we aren’t properly broken up. Well I’m sure maybe he does now that I iold his best friend but still I think he might think it was me just saying it for saying it. I could be wrong. That or he really didn’t care about it. The whole thing is odd even before I found out he cheated I was busy and didn’t text him all day and he was like did you forget about me, I missed you etc all while he was cheating.
 

The only reason I asked about Rome was because He booked a hotel for us different to the ones my friends are staying in, and he booked the seat next to me on the plane.
 

 

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

It was a big deal when he cheated and I stupidly forgave him. I do think he thinks we aren’t properly broken up. Well I’m sure maybe he does now that I iold his best friend but still I think he might think it was me just saying it for saying it. I could be wrong. That or he really didn’t care about it. The whole thing is odd even before I found out he cheated I was busy and didn’t text him all day and he was like did you forget about me, I missed you etc all while he was cheating.
 

The only reason I asked about Rome was because He booked a hotel for us different to the ones my friends are staying in, and he booked the seat next to me on the plane.
 

 

You can’t stop him from sitting in a plane for a seat that he paid for so all you can do is change your seat on the plane. Let him know you’re no longer a couple and are not staying with him at the hotel. Stay where your friends are if you’re still considering going on this trip. 

If you’re breaking up and getting back together constantly no one will take you seriously or ever believe you. It’s crying wolf multiple times until it falls on deaf ears and no one is listening. That’s the risk you take each time you dump him and get back together.

There’s a high likelihood the lies and cheating will get more and more brazen and your relationship becomes more dysfunctional as you train yourself to keep accepting poor behaviour, delusional thinking by association and lies. 

Edited March 6, 2022 by glows

[Lifegoeson12]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

You can’t stop him from sitting in a plane for a seat that he paid for so all you can do is change your seat on the plane. Let him know you’re no longer a couple and are not staying with him at the hotel. Stay where your friends are if you’re still considering going on this trip. 

If you’re breaking up and getting back together constantly no one will take you seriously or ever believe you. It’s crying wolf multiple times until it falls on deaf ears and no one is listening. That’s the risk you take each time you dump him and get back together.

There’s a high likelihood the lies and cheating will get more and more brazen and your relationship becomes more dysfunctional as you train yourself to keep accepting poor behaviour, delusional thinking by association and lies. 

I agree I can’t but it’s not just my seat that will have to be changed it’s my sisters and my friends. 
 

We haven’t properly broke up before the first time he cheated I asked for space cause I told him I’d break up with him and I needed to think. This time I just said that’s it I’m done. Goodbye and that was that. 
 

all I was asking is why isn’t he telling people about it, I don’t mean broadcasting it to everyone but his closest friends should at least have been told, even now some of them still reach out to me. He texted me last night when he saw I was out with friends doing karaoke and was like let me see you singing. He deleted the message but I saw the notification and the message In it before he deleted.  
 

He has done nice things for me, when I went into hospital he added me to his insurance and stuff like that so I don’t have hate for him but I do for what he done. So that’s why I am done with it. 
 

He also didn’t even call me, all this was discussed over messages. So my friends think that’s why because messages aren’t always final until someone actually hears the words we are done they might not believe it 

[glows]

You said goodbye so let it end there. He deleted the message last night so it seems he’s processing the break up in his own time. Walk away from this and don’t answer any questions about the break up if his friends contact you. Just mute or block the contacts. Or, if your friends ask for details, ask them to drop it and enjoy the trip with them.

He’s the past now. You realize that these constant curiosities and questions about him will never stop on their own. You’ll have to enforce better boundaries and not let your thoughts get the better of you. 

Why he doesn’t tell his friends is anyone’s guess. It sounds like denial and delusions. Avoid expecting rational behaviours from people like this. He’s proven to you he’s anything but rational so don’t waste your precious time decoding what he does.

Edited March 6, 2022 by glows

[ShyViolet]

You have made the decision that you're broken up with him; you don't need HIS consent for that and you don't need to wait around for him to accept it or give you permission.  You are broken up, it's done.  The reason he has not told anyone in his life about the breakup and is acting like he's still going on this trip with you is that he is trying to manipulate you and make it more difficult for you to cut him out of your life.  And you need to not let him get away with this.  If any of his friends/family contacts you acting like he is still your boyfriend, you need to very clearly and unapologetically tell them "He and I are broken up".  Period.  And tell your ex that since you are broken up, you will NOT be going on this trip with him.

Any further actions from him towards you are basically harassment.  Don't tolerate it and don't let him make you doubt yourself.  Block him if you have to.

[Vanity1]

He probably didn’t tell any of his friends because you took him back before after he cheated, so he’s not taking this time around seriously. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

but why would someone still consider going on a holiday with someone who broke up with them and then not tell any of their friends that we broke up? 

Better question: Why would you consider having a man who cheated on you join on this trip?

Where is your self-respect, girl?

[smackie9]

This guy has a psychopathic personality (just a guess). Now everyone relates a psychopath to serial killers/dangerous, but not all psychopaths are. Some are thrill seekers and will find many in high stress professions such as paramedics, firefighters. So some wear black hats and some wear white hats. Psychopaths are charming, but also self entitled, have no empathy, are narcissists..they are experts on manipulation, lying, gaslighting, etc. Relationships with this type is confusing, and very emotionally draining. He's so full of himself and so assured, he's not taking no for an answer, and that means there is no breakup....not in his world. The best thing you can do is block/delete/put all your social media on private, maybe even change your cel number. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And never approach anything with him in a passive/aggressive manner like saying you assume he's not going...that leaves opportunity for him to manipulate you more. You need to shut this/him down hard.

Edited March 6, 2022 by smackie9

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Better question: Why would you consider having a man who cheated on you join on this trip?

Where is your self-respect, girl?

This trip was planned with me and my friends and one day during a conversation I was like oh you should join us thinking nothing of it. The next day he booked his tickets. I didn’t actually think he’d go. It’s a trip with my family and my friends for my birthday. So I don’t know why he won’t cancel going I can’t change the flights or the date and all my family and friends spent good money on it 

[Lifegoeson12]

30 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This guy has a psychopathic personality (just a guess). Now everyone relates a psychopath to serial killers/dangerous, but not all psychopaths are. Some are thrill seekers and will find many in high stress professions such as paramedics, firefighters. So some wear black hats and some wear white hats. Psychopaths are charming, but also self entitled, have no empathy, are narcissists..they are experts on manipulation, lying, gaslighting, etc. Relationships with this type is confusing, and very emotionally draining. He's so full of himself and so assured, he's not taking no for an answer, and that means there is no breakup....not in his world. The best thing you can do is block/delete/put all your social media on private, maybe even change your cel number. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And never approach anything with him in a passive/aggressive manner like saying you assume he's not going...that leaves opportunity for him to manipulate you more. You need to shut this/him down hard.

I think you’re right. He does have a very high powered job. And is so cocky about it. He has said to me multiple times he’s absolutely amazing at what he does and I agree I don’t think I have ever seen empathy from him. At the start he was so kind, would send flowers, gifts shower me with compliments and now if I voice my feelings he says I’m trying to start an arguement. It’s so true what you said. He would always through stuff I done back in my face during an argument like not going to meet his family cause I couldn’t get time off work but if I brought up the cheating I’m the devil 

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, Vanity1 said:

He probably didn’t tell any of his friends because you took him back before after he cheated, so he’s not taking this time around seriously. 

But I said we are done, he then sent a message saying I wanted to marry you, have kids with you etc and finished with take care. He then felt guilty I think when he found out I got my results from the hospital and that they where bad cause he kept saying I’m here if you need me etc and I’m always rooting for you and so on. 

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You have made the decision that you're broken up with him; you don't need HIS consent for that and you don't need to wait around for him to accept it or give you permission.  You are broken up, it's done.  The reason he has not told anyone in his life about the breakup and is acting like he's still going on this trip with you is that he is trying to manipulate you and make it more difficult for you to cut him out of your life.  And you need to not let him get away with this.  If any of his friends/family contacts you acting like he is still your boyfriend, you need to very clearly and unapologetically tell them "He and I are broken up".  Period.  And tell your ex that since you are broken up, you will NOT be going on this trip with him.

Any further actions from him towards you are basically harassment.  Don't tolerate it and don't let him make you doubt yourself.  Block him if you have to.

I think so. I think he might try get back with me when he’s back from his trip but he might also not. I could be imagining it all in my head it feels like that sometimes but then I think why does he want to go on the trip and why hasn’t he told anyone we broke up

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

But I said we are done, he then sent a message saying I wanted to marry you, have kids with you etc and finished with take care. He then felt guilty I think when he found out I got my results from the hospital and that they where bad cause he kept saying I’m here if you need me etc and I’m always rooting for you and so on. 

That is what psychopaths do....they say things to lure you, and it's not from the heart or has any meaning to them. It's just part of the bag of tricks they use to manipulate people to do their will.

Edited March 6, 2022 by smackie9

[Lifegoeson12]

56 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That is what psychopaths do....they say things to lure you, and it's not from the heart or has any meaning to them. It's just part of the bag of tricks they use to manipulate people to do their will.

It’s so hard. I’m so angry at him. But then when he said those things I was like awww. Don’t worry though we have spoken. It’s just an internal conflict I’m feeling. But I am now thinking maybe he was one. He could never express how he was feeling. He told me that and that’s why he would send gifts to show me how he felt.

[glows]

56 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I think so. I think he might try get back with me when he’s back from his trip but he might also not. I could be imagining it all in my head it feels like that sometimes but then I think why does he want to go on the trip and why hasn’t he told anyone we broke up

He will take what he can if you’re available to give it because that’s what manipulators do. It helps feed their self-importance and ego and all the needy parts of themselves, a void they can’t fill on their own. I think you know marriage and kids are ridiculous propositions considering there’s no trust between the both of you. He may be using those notions if he knows you want marriage and kids or if it’s an Achilles heel for you. 

Let go and say goodbye for good. I hope you’re able to enjoy the trip with your friends and he recognizes it’s inappropriate for him to be there.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I agree I can’t but it’s not just my seat that will have to be changed it’s my sisters and my friends. 
 

We haven’t properly broke up before the first time he cheated I asked for space cause I told him I’d break up with him and I needed to think. This time I just said that’s it I’m done. Goodbye and that was that. 
 

all I was asking is why isn’t he telling people about it, I don’t mean broadcasting it to everyone but his closest friends should at least have been told, even now some of them still reach out to me. He texted me last night when he saw I was out with friends doing karaoke and was like let me see you singing. He deleted the message but I saw the notification and the message In it before he deleted.  
 

He has done nice things for me, when I went into hospital he added me to his insurance and stuff like that so I don’t have hate for him but I do for what he done. So that’s why I am done with it. 
 

He also didn’t even call me, all this was discussed over messages. So my friends think that’s why because messages aren’t always final until someone actually hears the words we are done they might not believe it 

Peop,r grnerally do t cheat just to cheat. There is usually an underlying reason to cheat.  Sure anyone you’ve dated long enough have done some nice things.  That does not justify the cheating.

[Lifegoeson12]

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Peop,r grnerally do t cheat just to cheat. There is usually an underlying reason to cheat.  Sure anyone you’ve dated long enough have done some nice things.  That does not justify the cheating.

He told me he needed the validation and it helped his confidence which i actually think might be true if he’s so insecure that he needs validation from others. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

He told me he needed the validation and it helped his confidence which i actually think might be true if he’s so insecure that he needs validation from others. 

Bulls@#$

 

he just wants to sleep around.

 

get rid of him.

 

 

[Lifegoeson12]

8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Bulls@#$

 

he just wants to sleep around.

 

get rid of him.

 

 

Don’t worry I have. I know it’s bulls@#&  I actually couldn’t believe he said it but sure look it was just what I needed to hear. It make breaking up easier

 

[lovesbooks]

Block all communication with him.  Unfollow him on all social media.  Cancel the trip to Rome and go somewhere else if possible.   Don't consider going anywhere with this guy ever.  He's horrible.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

But I said we are done, he then sent a message saying I wanted to marry you, have kids with you etc and finished with take care. He then felt guilty I think when he found out I got my results from the hospital and that they where bad cause he kept saying I’m here if you need me etc and I’m always rooting for you and so on. 

Why haven't you blocked him from contacting you?  That will surely send him the message that you are done.  You could be kind and send him a text to cancel any plans he's made to go on the trip to be around you because you're not interested.  Wish him well and then block him.  That will let him know you mean business.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

I am done with him. I gave him a chance and he blew it, but why would someone still consider going on a holiday with someone who broke up with them and then not tell any of their friends that we broke up? 

He's a jerk, that's why.

Having already given him several chances, he has no incentive to stop these shenanigans.

This guy's a piece of work.

The only way to declare your breakup is to remove him from your life as completely as possible.

Edited March 7, 2022 by Alpaca