flirting?

[MySide]

Would you be ok with your spouse talking to and flirting with other women online?  Maybe I'm just overreacting.  He cheated on me 7 years ago and is kind of a sex addict.  The last 7 years have been really hard.  I know  he's never physically cheated on me since that one time, but he has gone to strip clubs and keeps trying to get us into a  threesome.  He expects me to initiate sex all the time and then gets moody when I stop because I'm tired of being the only one.  I haven't initiated it in two weeks so he's been chatting more online.  Can I post screen shots here to get someone's opinion?

[glows]

Don’t post screenshots or personal info on this site or anywhere online. I get the gist of what you’re saying. It’s not ok for him to be cheating on you or gaslighting you. 

What’s preventing you from ending the marriage? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MySide said:

He cheated on me 7 years ago and is kind of a sex addict.  The last 7 years have been really hard.

The best thing you can  do is go to your physician and discuss your husband's chronic extramarital sexual activity frankly and honestly.

Ask for STD testing especially since he visits a variety of escorts on business trips.

 You have no proof that he "hasn't cheated physically". What you happen to espy in his internet search history or going through his phone is just the tip of the iceberg.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist and also discuss your husband's chronic sexual proclivities and extramarital sexual pursuits.

Only you know if it is worth your while (to spare your physical and mental health) whether you wish to consult an attorney about your options in divorce after 2 decades of marriage. If you are in a jurisdiction that requires grounds for divorce, evidence of his sexual inappropriateness may help your case.

You don't need screen shots as it won't prove or disprove anything nor will it reassure you that you're happily married and "just overreacting".

 

 

Edited March 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[MySide]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Don’t post screenshots or personal info on this site or anywhere online. I get the gist of what you’re saying. It’s not ok for him to be cheating on you or gaslighting you. 

What’s preventing you from ending the marriage? 

I would never post any personal info.  I have screenshots with names and pics covered up.   Many things are stopping me.  We've been together 27 years.  3 kids.  Finances.  After being a stay at home mom for 18 years I finally got a job, but it's only part time.  He makes in a week what I make in a month.  We are finally getting our finances under control.  It was paycheck to paycheck for SO long and now things are finally getting somewhere.  It's nice to finally be able to buy a new shirt and not worry about it.  Getting divorced will give that up and I'll be starting over again.  I'm scared of being completely broke and alone like my mom is.  I love her, but never wanted to end up like her.  I'm extremely shy and introverted so the chance of me actually finding someone else are slim to none.  The kids are stopping me.  I've seen many times how divorce screws up kids and I don't want that for them.  I've tried so hard to stay with him, to keep our family together.  To make him love me.  What if I'm just overreacting because of his past actions?  What if it's nothing serious and I destroy everything over it?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, MySide said:

I've tried so hard to stay with him, to keep our family together.  To make him love me.

This is so sad. 

When you reach the point of trying to make your husband love you, the marriage is basically over. You know how he is. You know he's doing things that hurt you, and that the love is gone. I think it would also be naive to assume that all he's done the last 7 years is flirt online. 

It's up to you whether or not you want to continue accpeting that. He isn't going to change if he hasn't changed in all this time. 

[Harry Korsnes]

On 3/7/2022 at 12:21 AM, MySide said:

I would never post any personal info.  I have screenshots with names and pics covered up.   Many things are stopping me.  We've been together 27 years.  3 kids.  Finances.  After being a stay at home mom for 18 years I finally got a job, but it's only part time.  He makes in a week what I make in a month.  We are finally getting our finances under control.  It was paycheck to paycheck for SO long and now things are finally getting somewhere.  It's nice to finally be able to buy a new shirt and not worry about it.  Getting divorced will give that up and I'll be starting over again.  I'm scared of being completely broke and alone like my mom is.  I love her, but never wanted to end up like her.  I'm extremely shy and introverted so the chance of me actually finding someone else are slim to none.  The kids are stopping me.  I've seen many times how divorce screws up kids and I don't want that for them.  I've tried so hard to stay with him, to keep our family together.  To make him love me.  What if I'm just overreacting because of his past actions?  What if it's nothing serious and I destroy everything over it?

Intresing 🤔 what is it that you want here?

[Prudence V]

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

Getting divorced will give that up and I'll be starting over again. 

Not necessarily - a lot depends on the financial settlement during the divorce. A good lawyer will ensure you get rehabilitative maintenance until you’re able to provide adequately for yourself & kids. 
 

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

I'm scared of being completely broke and alone like my mom is.

Broke covered above, and as for alone? You’re worse than alone. Alone would be neutral, but this guy seems to be just a negative, on the companionship front. 
 

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

I'm extremely shy and introverted so the chance of me actually finding someone else are slim to none

So yeah, stick with the guy who undermines you, because that’s got to be better than leaving your comfort zone to meet someone else, right? 
Despite being shy and introverted, you met at least one partner previously (him) so clearly it’s not impossible. 
 

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

The kids are stopping me.  I've seen many times how divorce screws up kids and I don't want that for them.

You know what screws kids up worse? Staying together when you should split. There’s good research on that, but many of us have lived it, too. 

How old are your kids? You say you’ve been SAHM for 18 years, which suggests at least 1 of them is around 18. That’s not a reason to stay in an unhealthy marriage - that’s an excuse. 
 

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

To make him love me. 

You can’t. The “best” you’ll achieve is to make him pity you. 

 

On 3/6/2022 at 11:21 PM, MySide said:

What if it's nothing serious and I destroy everything over it?

What’s to destroy, beyond your access to his pay check (which a good lawyer will protect)? 

 

 

[glows]

On 3/6/2022 at 3:21 PM, MySide said:

I would never post any personal info.  I have screenshots with names and pics covered up.   Many things are stopping me.  We've been together 27 years.  3 kids.  Finances.  After being a stay at home mom for 18 years I finally got a job, but it's only part time.  He makes in a week what I make in a month.  We are finally getting our finances under control.  It was paycheck to paycheck for SO long and now things are finally getting somewhere.  It's nice to finally be able to buy a new shirt and not worry about it.  Getting divorced will give that up and I'll be starting over again.  I'm scared of being completely broke and alone like my mom is.  I love her, but never wanted to end up like her.  I'm extremely shy and introverted so the chance of me actually finding someone else are slim to none.  The kids are stopping me.  I've seen many times how divorce screws up kids and I don't want that for them.  I've tried so hard to stay with him, to keep our family together.  To make him love me.  What if I'm just overreacting because of his past actions?  What if it's nothing serious and I destroy everything over it?

Sometimes the unknown can be scary and overpowering. So do the opposite and start information gathering. The thing not to do is be paralyzed. Start speaking to a lawyer in private and take a good look at your budget. Your happiness is in more than affording a shirt. It’s also peace of mind. 

Start with gathering the info you need to start over if that’s what you wish. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I can completely understand your fear. The unknown can be, quite frankly, terrifying but it doesn't have to be that way. I would suggest that you do some looking in your own community. See if you can find an in person support group for those exiting a long term relationship. If you can't find one locally in person, maybe you can online. That way, you'll be able to get input form people in your own home are who knows the system and how to make it work for them. Building a support network can be very helpful.

[vla1120]

On 3/6/2022 at 6:21 PM, MySide said:

The kids are stopping me.  I've seen many times how divorce screws up kids and I don't want that for them.  I've tried so hard to stay with him, to keep our family together. 

Betrayed wife, here. I stayed for another 18 years after the last time I caught my husband cheating. I didn't need to stay for financial reasons as I was the main breadwinner. I stayed to keep my family together and for the kids. Now, I have three daughters who have had a non-stop string of toxic relationships because I showed them a poor example of a marriage. So, you might think divorce screws up kids. I KNOW toxic marriages screw up kids.  The divorce usually works best for everyone, if the parents can properly co-parent without hatred and dissention. THAT's what ruins kids in a divorce.

You shouldn't have to try to "make" him love you. You shouldn't be the one that always has to initiate sex (that makes no sense, since he's the one addicted to sex?) You shouldn't have to endure him talking to other women online, and he shouldn't be trying to pressure you into a threesome. This is NOT a healthy marriage and your kids will grow up knowing that.

[Starswillshine]

Myside, I have been in your shoes before. I was a SAHM for a decade and a half when I learned of my husband's affair. I was devastated. I wanted to keep my family together. For awhile, it was do whatever I had to do to keep our marriage in tact. Eventually the anxiety, the stress, the gnawing frustration that he had such the gall to disrespect me and disrespect out children. I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I divorced him. Went back to school to finish my degree. Started a new relationship. I am now about to get married with a fresh new career. And though i wish my kids could have been saved from the pain, every single day I am grateful he cheated. Because like your husband, mine was a flirt, and I felt disrespected every time and was told it was nothing. He gaslight me the entire length of our marriage making me feel like I was just a jealous insecure woman. All I can say is that leaving that marriage was one of the best things I have ever done. And for all of us. My children now have a beautiful example of what a relationship should look like. And they saw their momma pick up her life from the ashes and create a gorgeous life. I want strong and independent children, and the best I can do is set an example. Plus, my son was taught how NOT to treat those you love and my daughters were shown how to not put up with that behavior. 

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, Prudence V said:

You know what screws kids up worse? Staying together when you should split.

THIS.

[BaileyB]

On 3/8/2022 at 8:29 AM, Prudence V said:

You know what screws kids up worse? Staying together when you should split.

And you should split OP.

Your husband has been unfaithful, he continues to engage inappropriately with women, and there is little/intimacy in your marriage. He has not respected you as a husband should and he has not respected the boundaries of marriage. There would be no doubt in my mind - scary as it is, I would file for divorce. 

[MySide]

It's hard to just choose to give up everything we've worked for.  Why does he get to have financial security?  I won't if I leave.  I have no retirement.  I'll be stuck barely making it each week.  We literally just got out of that mess.  But I think I'm finally starting to see the light.  I was sick a week ago Monday, with some sort of stomach flu.  He knew I was sick when he left for work.  He didn't text me until 2:37 to ask how I was, literally right after my mom texted him asking if he could bring some medicine home.(which he didn't).  But he had time to message another woman for an hour at noon and tell a complete stranger that he hoped she felt better.  I'm just an afterthought to him.  He's still messaging the woman.  I thought it was just friendly chat, but I showed several people online the messages and they said it's emotional cheating.

[salparadise]

39 minutes ago, MySide said:

Why does he get to have financial security?  I won't if I leave.  I have no retirement.  I'll be stuck barely making it each week.  We literally just got out of that mess.

I don't know the particulars of the state you live in, but it probably doesn't matter. For a long-term marriage like this you will get half of the retirement account and probably any pension as well. In addition, for a SAHM they will order spousal support to equalize your incomes. The goal of the courts will be to make sure both are living the same lifestyle. Of course, two separately can't live the same lifestyle as a couple, so you'll both have to compromise. And you'll probably be expected to become independent at some point. So it's not like you'd have to leave and start at zero. But it won't be easy either. 

The first thing you have to do is decide if you're done with him and the marriage. Other posters are telling you you should be, but that's just the opinion of a bunch of people who hang out on a relationship forum where the solution is always to end it. It's not that simple. This is why you should be seeing a therapist –– so you can decide on your own. It has to be YOUR decision. If you want to try and save it, that's valid too. If you've already decided and it's only finances holding you back, consult a lawyer to figure out what you're entitled to.

[Just A Man]

On 3/15/2022 at 7:03 PM, salparadise said:

<snipped>

The first thing you have to do is decide if you're done with him and the marriage. Other posters are telling you you should be, but that's just the opinion of a bunch of people who hang out on a relationship forum where the solution is always to end it. It's not that simple. This is why you should be seeing a therapist –– so you can decide on your own. It has to be YOUR decision. If you want to try and save it, that's valid too. If you've already decided and it's only finances holding you back, consult a lawyer to figure out what you're entitled to.

This and this only if you ask me.

 

Nobody here knows all the details other than financial.  So you have to ask yourself, what is worth saving and what isn't?  Then go from there.

 

My wife had an affair.  I chose to make it work.  Only you know the answer for your situation and circumstances, and usually that answer contains a lot more things other than financial and the kids.

 

I don't think any human in a relationship should be marginalized or degraded in any way, but that's just me.

 

BUT at the same time, there is a huge difference between online flirting and physical contact of any sort.  If it's an outlet for his fantasies and such and it avoids any physical actions, it might actually be a better alternative, if you can live with it.  But if you aren't into threesomes or his other desires, you have to draw the line on where you two can be intimate, and where fantasy has to stay fantasy.  And a gentle reminder that his actions if anything are keeping you from wanting to be intimate more often might be in order.  

Edited April 10, 2022 by Just A Man

[stillafool]

On 3/15/2022 at 6:10 PM, MySide said:

It's hard to just choose to give up everything we've worked for.  Why does he get to have financial security?  I won't if I leave.  I have no retirement.  

He won't be so well off by the time he splits everything with you and pays you money monthly.  If you've been married for 27 years your kids are probably grown or almost grown by now.  Your husband will never love you the way you want him to.  I'm sorry but he won't.

[Uruktopi]

On 3/6/2022 at 3:58 PM, MySide said:

Would you be ok with your spouse talking to and flirting with other women (men) online?

Once known by me, the question would be about my  Ex.

And I don´t have problems when an Ex flirts with others. She must only exclude me.