I'm down and I can probably get up it just hurts

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Trudger said:

 if I all of the sudden see her wrapped around another man out and about town, I’m going to stop pursuing mending our intimate relationship. 

Once she moves out, the relationship is over and both of you can date whoever you want. That's the purpose of ending it and moving out. To get away from each other and pursue happiness and freedom.

While you need much more effort with your sobriety in order to be the best dad you can be, you don't need co-parenting classes.

The courts will figure out a visitation schedule that has the children's best interest in mind. Courts protect the children's rights, since they are minors and are entitled to human rights.

The parents high-strung emotions and warring is what courts protect children from. Courts will also decide child support based on your assets and income.

And since you never married and kept all your assets to yourself, you'll have the opportunity to pay a handsome amount to provide for your children.

You're up in arms about things that will be figured out. As far as the relationship is concerned it's been over for a long time. Probably the first few times she complained about your "weekend alcoholism" as you call it.

Sadly as far as the relationship goes it a situation of a little too little, a little too late.

However you can still improve yourself and your life and be a great dad.

Edited March 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

5 hours ago, Trudger said:

No, I’m not sure if I understand your input right here. I mean, I’m not just gonna “put the ball in her court” and then do nothing. Im actively going to work with myself to become the man I once was, a man who instills trust and security. Not a man who is moody and mopey. I’m gonna invest myself in the children, not just be a ghost who sweeps around the in the background and provides money. I’m going to build me up that way, and show it to her, that I can change. And hopefully all along we’ll be able to overcome our grudges and make our relationship flourish once again. 

I’m just saying that if I all of the sudden see her wrapped around another man out and about town, I’m going to stop pursuing mending our intimate relationship. That, in my book, would be the ultimate betrayal, and means that she’s (excuse my harsh language here) selfishly pissing all over our history, our kids, our memories, and sure as hell any dreams we once had. Obviously, I’m still going to have a parental relationship to her, because of the children, but if she ever wanted to get back together, it would be over by that point. 
 

I honestly can’t reason about this, she’s emotionally and psychologically spent, sure, but uprooting the kids, wanting to sever our relationship, doesn’t make any sense. And on top of that, she’s even told me a few times now that she loves me the last few days (don’t know if I’ve said that she hasn’t moved out yet) I even asked if she means that she loves me just not as a partner, and she said it isn’t like that, and that she do love me “romantically”. When I asked her if she wanted to keep being intimate and have sex while we’re separated, she answered yes, but when I asked if I could have sleepovers at her place she said she didn’t want to confuse the kids. So I’m guessing she’s overwhelmed by impressions right now, hence why nothing makes sense to me.

The only sense I can make of this right now, is that she only have eyes for getting out of this house right now. She has tunnel vision and there’s not much else that can be done about it on my part than try to keep my composure, try to be compassionate and empathetic, and not aggravate her further with trying to get an explanation. I’m gonna give her a bit of a cool down period of up to a couple of weeks, and then hopefully start to build up trust in me again. 

I’m sorry for any confusion in my post. What I was referring to was private therapy for yourself and considering counselling for coparenting to manage yours(and hers) and the kids’ expectations and emotions during a separation. 

You’re in denial it seems about the separation and her needing to be away from you. There is a gray area for a lot of couples while you adjust to being apart or move forward with divorce.  You describe her being with someone else as “pissing” on your marriage but effectively so is suggesting a separation. It can be painful imagining your spouse with someone else and I’m glad to hear you’re looking to change and grow too. The separation is one step from divorce so start preparing and seek legal counsel for yourself so you’re better prepared.

Have you sought out any help/support with drinking? Don’t try to do this all alone. If you want to change do it for yourself, not for her or the marriage. 

[Trudger]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sorry for any confusion in my post. What I was referring to was private therapy for yourself and considering counselling for coparenting to manage yours(and hers) and the kids’ expectations and emotions during a separation. 

You’re in denial it seems about the separation and her needing to be away from you. There is a gray area for a lot of couples while you adjust to being apart or move forward with divorce.  You describe her being with someone else as “pissing” on your marriage but effectively so is suggesting a separation. It can be painful imagining your spouse with someone else and I’m glad to hear you’re looking to change and grow too. The separation is one step from divorce so start preparing and seek legal counsel for yourself so you’re better prepared.

Have you sought out any help/support with drinking? Don’t try to do this all alone. If you want to change do it for yourself, not for her or the marriage. 

I’ve seen this mentioned a few times in this thread so far, and the thing is that we’re not legally married. We live in Sweden where legal marriage has seen a heavy downward trend since the 80’s. And over here it’s not the court that decides on custody of children. The custody is always automatically, initially shared unless the social services decide that either parent is a danger to their children whether it’s alcoholism, abuse or neglect. So in order to lose custody you really have to screw things up. And yes, I am seeking treatment for my alcoholism by having a therapist contact. It’s a person who checks up on me on a by weekly basis and asks me if I’ve been drinking, and then the reason to why I might’ve done so. And I can also call him pretty much any time if I need to talk to someone. 
 

So in essence this is a breakup with a caveat - the children. And whether it’s denial or not, I must force myself to not care. She’s expressed that she still -love- me, and can possibly see a future with me. That’s her own words. Not my desires. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Trudger said:

I’ve seen this mentioned a few times in this thread so far, and the thing is that we’re not legally married. We live in Sweden where legal marriage has seen a heavy downward trend since the 80’s. And over here it’s not the court that decides on custody of children. The custody is always automatically, initially shared unless the social services decide that either parent is a danger to their children whether it’s alcoholism, abuse or neglect. So in order to lose custody you really have to screw things up. And yes, I am seeking treatment for my alcoholism by having a therapist contact. It’s a person who checks up on me on a by weekly basis and asks me if I’ve been drinking, and then the reason to why I might’ve done so. And I can also call him pretty much any time if I need to talk to someone. 
 

So in essence this is a breakup with a caveat - the children. And whether it’s denial or not, I must force myself to not care. She’s expressed that she still -love- me, and can possibly see a future with me. That’s her own words. Not my desires. 

Thanks for sharing this and explaining the way it is in Sweden. I think that’s for the best. Do you also have friends or family living close by? Regardless of what she says those things may change also and she may not want to rock the boat while you’re both living together. 

[Trudger]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Once she moves out, the relationship is over and both of you can date whoever you want. That's the purpose of ending it and moving out. To get away from each other and pursue happiness and freedom.

While you need much more effort with your sobriety in order to be the best dad you can be, you don't need co-parenting classes.

The courts will figure out a visitation schedule that has the children's best interest in mind. Courts protect the children's rights, since they are minors and are entitled to human rights.

The parents high-strung emotions and warring is what courts protect children from. Courts will also decide child support based on your assets and income.

And since you never married and kept all your assets to yourself, you'll have the opportunity to pay a handsome amount to provide for your children.

You're up in arms about things that will be figured out. As far as the relationship is concerned it's been over for a long time. Probably the first few times she complained about your "weekend alcoholism" as you call it.

Sadly as far as the relationship goes it a situation of a little too little, a little too late.

However you can still improve yourself and your life and be a great dad.

Of course, I urge you though to see my answer to the user “glows”. The court doesn’t decide anything about our kids or assets, because we live in Sweden. It’s the social services who can determine if you are fit to be a parent and if you should have custody or not. 
I have a contact, a therapist and confided that I talk to about my drinking problem, who even says that I don’t even live up to the grade of addiction, but rather “at risk” at becoming an alcoholic. So if someone tried to push for taking custody away from me because I’m an alcoholic, my therapist could easily stand up for me and dismiss the whole thing, since he’s working for the state. 
 

Lastly, I know that when push comes to shove, I have absolutely no say in who ever she decides to get into bed with… All I am saying is that IF she does it, then she will never end up in my bed again. 

[Trudger]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Thanks for sharing this and explaining the way it is in Sweden. I think that’s for the best. Do you also have friends or family living close by? Regardless of what she says those things may change also and she may not want to rock the boat while you’re both living together. 

Yes I’m fully aware of that she may change. I’ve experienced the exact same thing in previous relationships, where girlfriends need to leave the relationship and then says that they’re not going to go dating right away. Then they still end up in bed with some one-night-stand a couple of weeks later. I’ve experienced it myself and seen numerous friends having the exact same thing happen to them. This might sound harsh but its almost as if there’s a chemical brain process creating the need to get “you” out of their system (by jumping in bed with others). 

This is from when I was in the dating scene and in my mid-twenties. So the only hope I have now is that my wife is mature enough to not do that. But of course, I can never be sure. 
 

See, I’m old enough to know that it could very well happen. But I’m also old enough to have morals set in stone. There’s things that are just “not right” and if she did something like that, then she’s not the one for me in the first place. And I’d also tip my hat at her for being to pull that off, tricking me into believing she was someone else for so long, only to flip like that.

But yeah, I know my priorities and I am going after her, not immediately, but maybe after a few weeks, and obviously not like a bulldozer though. 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Trudger said:

Yes I’m fully aware of that she may change. I’ve experienced the exact same thing in previous relationships, where girlfriends need to leave the relationship and then says that they’re not going to go dating right away. Then they still end up in bed with some one-night-stand a couple of weeks later. I’ve experienced it myself and seen numerous friends having the exact same thing happen to them. This might sound harsh but its almost as if there’s a chemical brain process creating the need to get “you” out of their system (by jumping in bed with others). 

This is from when I was in the dating scene and in my mid-twenties. So the only hope I have now is that my wife is mature enough to not do that. But of course, I can never be sure. 
 

See, I’m old enough to know that it could very well happen. But I’m also old enough to have morals set in stone. There’s things that are just “not right” and if she did something like that, then she’s not the one for me in the first place. And I’d also tip my hat at her for being to pull that off, tricking me into believing she was someone else for so long, only to flip like that.

But yeah, I know my priorities and I am going after her, not immediately, but maybe after a few weeks, and obviously not like a bulldozer though. 

I had some thoughts and reservations that were similar actually. But I knew they came from a place of anger and bitterness. My ex was a very whimsical and emotional man without enough conviction in himself and very insecure. I was quite bitter for some time that a person exists like that but I know now there are all kinds. And we are all different with our personalities and experiences. You haven’t let go of this marriage so there are a lot of conflicting, very painful emotions. 

Give yourselves space and keep working on yourself. Enjoy any time with your kids.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Trudger said:

The court doesn’t decide anything about our kids or assets, because we live in Sweden. It’s the social services who can determine if you are fit to be a parent and if you should have custody or not.  if someone tried to push for taking custody away from me because I’m an alcoholic, my therapist could easily stand up for me and dismiss the whole thing, since he’s working for the state. 

Ok, if that's how it works where you are, then focus on the therapist/social worker's advice/recommendations. However the relationship is ending if she's moving out so focus on supporting your children emotionally and otherwise.

[Trudger]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I had some thoughts and reservations that were similar actually. But I knew they came from a place of anger and bitterness. My ex was a very whimsical and emotional man without enough conviction in himself and very insecure. I was quite bitter for some time that a person exists like that but I know now there are all kinds. And we are all different with our personalities and experiences. You haven’t let go of this marriage so there are a lot of conflicting, very painful emotions. 

Give yourselves space and keep working on yourself. Enjoy any time with your kids.

I thank you wholeheartedly for your responses, however I may seem in my replies, it is helpful to talk it out, and I am thankful for that. 
Like no, I haven’t let go of this relationship yet, no. But since it’s been my reality for 12+ years, and I still very much love her, and it’s not because she’s suddenly leaving that I found out that I love her. With my hand on my heart I can truthfully say that I do love her with all my heart. So I am not giving up on it until I either come to terms that it’s not worth fighting for it anymore, or she finds someone new. That’s the basics of my perspective.  

[Trudger]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, if that's how it works where you are, then focus on the therapist/social worker's advice/recommendations. However the relationship is ending if she's moving out so focus on supporting your children emotionally and otherwise.

Yup, and that’s what I intend to do. My prime focus is my kids and my health. But still, it doesn’t exclude me fighting for what I believe in for as long as I believe in it. Don’t worry, by saying that, I don’t mean I am going to try to force her back or be all over her. I’m not going to play games. 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Trudger said:

I thank you wholeheartedly for your responses, however I may seem in my replies, it is helpful to talk it out, and I am thankful for that. 
Like no, I haven’t let go of this relationship yet, no. But since it’s been my reality for 12+ years, and I still very much love her, and it’s not because she’s suddenly leaving that I found out that I love her. With my hand on my heart I can truthfully say that I do love her with all my heart. So I am not giving up on it until I either come to terms that it’s not worth fighting for it anymore, or she finds someone new. That’s the basics of my perspective.  

Yes, that’s fair. You’re also seeking help for yourself and bettering yourself so stay focused on these things. Be a good father and support your kids. Find a hobby at home that you can get into too. It helps working on something and keeping your mind busy.