I'm down and I can probably get up it just hurts

[Trudger]

How do I find the power to pull me through a separation? I’m not in my best condition due to job loss and other things that have been weighing me down (realization that I might have a neural disorder). Although I’ve already managed to get a new one that I start in about a week. I find solace in talking about it even with complete strangers. I’ve never turned to the internet like this before. I just need some kind of outlet to vent my thoughts and perhaps gain some empowerment.

She says she’s emotionally exhausted (she also suspects having a neural disorder ->ADHD) and says she needs space to focus on herself. She has also said that she doesn’t know if she still loves me and needs to sort that out too. What’s confusing to me though is that I’ve asked her about her boundaries during this time. And she does want me to keep saying affectionate things, touch her affectionately like holding my hand around her waist. I also asked her about intimacy, and while she at first seemed hesitant, she came around to seem like it would almost be the most obvious thing in the world. 
 

I know I need to focus on myself now over the near future. But how can I hold it all together? I don’t wanna seem needy or clingy, even if that’s the first thing that comes to mind when the panic kicks in. I already had a slip-up where I caved in to the anxiety and literally begged her to reconsider to let us stay together even though we’d be separated. I even brought up the kids even though I know I shouldn’t involve them into a decision in a matter like this. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Trudger said:

  begged her to reconsider to let us stay together even though we’d be separated. I even brought up the kids even though I know I shouldn’t involve them into a decision in a matter like this. 

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated or living together or is this a breakup? How long have you been together and how old are the kids?

The best thing to do is go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Only a physician can appropriately diagnose what's happening neurologically.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. If there are issues with drinking or drugs a therapist and support groups can help with that as well.

You also need to consult an attorney to discuss what your options are in the event of a divorce, including financially and as far as the children.

 

[glows]

Not to be sassy about it but I’d classify the entire separation period as a neural disorder. At least that is how I perceived my separation. It’s also one of the reasons why I likely won’t get married again as the one year mandatory separation period where I am is far too long, prolonging even a simple divorce. 

Be kind to yourself and start looking for real and tangible sources of support. Your ex isn’t a viable means of support. 

There was also a gray area period where my ex spouse and I both struggled with our lingering emotions. I knew it was finished the moment we separated but it didn’t stop me from feeling many different things especially loss. He wanted to reconcile many times which I thought was ridiculous given everything else that had happened. I think a period of denial is not uncommon no matter how a person goes about processing a separation and divorce. 

I can’t speak for anyone else but I used work and attended part time graduate studies for fun. This kept me very busy even though it was very difficult. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What are the reasons you’re separated? 

[SingFish]

Can you find a therapist or divorce support group? @Trudger

Create a new routine with healthy stuff in mind. 

[Trudger]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated or living together or is this a breakup? How long have you been together and how old are the kids?

The best thing to do is go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Only a physician can appropriately diagnose what's happening neurologically.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. If there are issues with drinking or drugs a therapist and support groups can help with that as well.

You also need to consult an attorney to discuss what your options are in the event of a divorce, including financially and as far as the children.

 

Well, we’re technically not married. We’re more like common law spouses, it’s pretty unusual that people get married these days in our country these days. I wanted to, she didn’t. We have been together for 13 years. So we’re basically moving apart. We’ve got five kids ranging in the ages from 11 to 3. I’m not worried about the financial stuff, although as I will be having a neuropsychiatric evaluation, I will have to go on record as I am seeing a therapist about my weekend “alcoholism” (I’m drinking a few beers after wife and kids has gone to bed). That could possibly jeopardize my custody of the children. But I really don’t know her as being that mean, that I’d expect her to do such a thing. 

Edited March 7, 2022 by Trudger

[Trudger]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated or living together or is this a breakup? How long have you been together and how old are the kids?

The best thing to do is go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Only a physician can appropriately diagnose what's happening neurologically.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. If there are issues with drinking or drugs a therapist and support groups can help with that as well.

You also need to consult an attorney to discuss what your options are in the event of a divorce, including financially and as far as the children.

 

 

7 hours ago, glows said:

Not to be sassy about it but I’d classify the entire separation period as a neural disorder. At least that is how I perceived my separation. It’s also one of the reasons why I likely won’t get married again as the one year mandatory separation period where I am is far too long, prolonging even a simple divorce. 

Be kind to yourself and start looking for real and tangible sources of support. Your ex isn’t a viable means of support. 

There was also a gray area period where my ex spouse and I both struggled with our lingering emotions. I knew it was finished the moment we separated but it didn’t stop me from feeling many different things especially loss. He wanted to reconcile many times which I thought was ridiculous given everything else that had happened. I think a period of denial is not uncommon no matter how a person goes about processing a separation and divorce. 

I can’t speak for anyone else but I used work and attended part time graduate studies for fun. This kept me very busy even though it was very difficult. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What are the reasons you’re separated? 

Stress, unhappiness, low energy on her part. I want to be able to help and support her, but having been mostly the sole provider hasn’t left me with much time to spend with the kids for the daily routines, as I’ve basically been coming home as they’re going to bed, and going to work before they’re up in the morning. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Trudger said:

We’ve got five kids ranging in the ages from 11 to 3. I’m not worried about the financial stuff, although as I will be having a neuropsychiatric evaluation, I will have to go on record as I am seeing a therapist about my weekend “alcoholism” (I’m drinking a few beers after wife and kids has gone to bed). That could possibly jeopardize my custody of the children. 

Yes, if you want to petition for visitation/custody you'll have to be stable and steady. So continue with the evaluation, therapy, join some sobriety groups, etc. If you are not married do you co-own assets/property? That may have to be divided. Be the best dad you can be. 

[Trudger]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be the best dad you can be. 

This is exactly the thing I am focusing on. Kids probably find my behavior odd or out of place, but since my employment was terminated like one week before missums said she was leaving, I now have some time at hand to spend (with the kids) until the 16th when I’m starting another job. 
The only assets I own are locked into inheritances, as my dad set everything including my grandma’s farmhouse to be willed to my mom. So she shouldn’t be able to touch that. Not that I’d think she’d be that malicious though. 

[Trudger]

8 hours ago, SingFish said:

Can you find a therapist or divorce support group? @Trudger

Create a new routine with healthy stuff in mind. 

This is what I want. I found that talking about it helps alleviate the pain that builds up. Hence why I am here venting. Like I said, I haven’t ever turned to the web for help like this before. So it’s all new to me. 

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, Trudger said:

This is what I want. I found that talking about it helps alleviate the pain that builds up. Hence why I am here venting. Like I said, I haven’t ever turned to the web for help like this before. So it’s all new to me. 

Vent away. I'm listening!

[Trudger]

9 hours ago, SingFish said:

Vent away. I'm listening!

After 6 visits to two different psychologists, they’re saying that it’s indicative that I might have what’s called “high functioning autism”. Meaning I don’t really perceive the world, and especially social interaction, as others do. This would explain why I’ve often felt like an alien in many social situations ranging as far back as my childhood. 

That would explain why I’ve more or less mentally resigned from understanding my wife who in turn expects me to understand stuff that is self-evident to her. Especially the non-verbal stuff. 
 

I am a person who seldom lose hope and constantly seek empowerment by learning to persevere through things. The only thing that will put an abrupt end to this situation is if she decides to move on and date/sleep with others. So if you have any sort of advice on how to deal with people who heavily relies on non-verbal communication, I’m all ears. 

Edited March 8, 2022 by Trudger
Spelling

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Trudger said:

 my weekend “alcoholism” 

This is the number one thing to work on. That's why you need to get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Assumed diagnoses won't help you and without sobriety, it's difficult to access what exactly is going on neurologically.

As far as your children's mother, she needs to protect her children from excess drinking. When you address that things will clear up for you and you'll be in a much better place.

[Trudger]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the number one thing to work on. That's why you need to get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Assumed diagnoses won't help you and without sobriety, it's difficult to access what exactly is going on neurologically.

As far as your children's mother, she needs to protect her children from excess drinking. When you address that things will clear up for you and you'll be in a much better place.

Yup, so far I’ve made it through the last two weekends without drinking. And this is what I want for myself. Drinking have felt compulsive to fight off any sort of potential anxiety. As my world is surrounded by routine and the need to cope with things before they happen. That’s exactly the reason to why I want to stop this hamster wheel of compulsion. I want to be able to expect good things to happen instead. 

[Trudger]

I've had the weirdest past couple of days. My wife hasn't moved out yet, so we're still sleeping in the same bed and stuff. But she weirdly enough said earlier today that she loved me, when I asked her if she still did. But then in a few hours went cold again on me. And when I told her I loved her tonight, she just replied with a silent "mmm". I mean, I don't try to hide my feelings for her. We even had some intimacy, but it didn't feel quite right on my part as she felt noticeably standoffish.

It's like she has her eyes fixed on that she found a way out. And everything I do, even if it's just that I'm opening my mouth about something a tiny bit deeper than shooting the breeze or talking about the kids, she sees it as a sort of interference.

I mean damn. She even gave me a reason to why she's separating is that she needs to "find herself" (I think I've used that one myself back in my early twenties). It's just so odd. I mean, I know she truly needs time for herself, as she's exhausted and overloaded. But at the same time, in my opinion, there's no great wrong-doings here... No one hasn't cheated, no violence, no child abuse or nothing.

I know if I had been in my early 20's, people would've and should've told me to let go and that there are more women out there. Of course, I understand that too. But this is a woman I just haphazardly knocked up and accidentally had to spend my life with. It was someone I chose, and she chose me. It's been a rough ride sure. But with reason I can't just see the reason for splitting up, especially as the kids are so young still. The youngest son is 2, and has absolutely no idea of what's going on, the second youngest son who is 5 says he doesn't mom and dad to split up, but is still not really sure how everything works. The middle child who is 7 is up in arms that he's not going to move, but I still sense that with attention he'd probably move eventually too. The second oldest is the daughter, she has a diagnose (ADD and ASD), and even though she's really bright, she still has her episodes when you don't know what she'll do. The oldest son is also angry about mom uprooting them, but though he's sweet and sensitive, he's not courageous enough even if he'd understand the power he'd hold by taking a stand of what's right in this case. 

Lastly, I know I'm strong... I'm gonna live through this... It's just so unnecessary... :(

I know that I need to show confidence in any sort of endeavor on trying to get her back, I just don't know how to use the confidence. If anyone has any kind pointers, I'd be more than thrilled to hear of it. Or if someone knows how to get these small bursts of empowerment to keep pushing through all this.

[glows]

I was a broken mess during my separation so I have very little words of wisdom for you except to stay true to yourself as a man and as a dad. If your kids need you go to them and comfort them. If your buddy invites you out (not to drink) then enjoy the time out. Stay sober and keep in touch with your doctors, lawyers, other community leaders (religious or otherwise). Separation and divorce was truly senseless to me as well but it had to happen as I did marry someone entirely incompatible. We were so badly matched there was no way it would have worked and hindsight is 20/20. 

Maybe you’ll come to these realizations also on your journey or something similar. You seem in limbo and I know that feeling very well. Be good to yourself in any way you can (healthy ways). 

[LynneVicious]

Many times, “I need to find myself” can mean someone else is in the picture. That along with the cold behavior. Have you looked into the possibility that she’s seeing someone else?

Im sorry you’re going through this. I can feel the pain in your words. 

[Trudger]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I was a broken mess during my separation so I have very little words of wisdom for you except to stay true to yourself as a man and as a dad. If your kids need you go to them and comfort them. If your buddy invites you out (not to drink) then enjoy the time out. Stay sober and keep in touch with your doctors, lawyers, other community leaders (religious or otherwise). Separation and divorce was truly senseless to me as well but it had to happen as I did marry someone entirely incompatible. We were so badly matched there was no way it would have worked and hindsight is 20/20. 

Maybe you’ll come to these realizations also on your journey or something similar. You seem in limbo and I know that feeling very well. Be good to yourself in any way you can (healthy ways). 

Did you learn over time that you were “incompatible”? And what made you come to that conclusion?

Personally, I’m definitely clipped and hurt. But I can’t simply give up, it’s not in my nature. The differences my wife and I have is that we come from different familial backgrounds. Like views on marriage and sincerity in feelings. We both also come from dysfunctional family backgrounds. So she’s hardened by it and I’m pretty much scarred. But our core values and morals are very much alike. 

[Trudger]

5 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Many times, “I need to find myself” can mean someone else is in the picture. That along with the cold behavior. Have you looked into the possibility that she’s seeing someone else?

Im sorry you’re going through this. I can feel the pain in your words. 

Yeah I could see that. It’s right up there with “it’s not you, it’s me” and other classics  I mean sure, it could always be a possibility. But considering that our youngest kid is 2 years old and not in daycare, so I can’t see where she would find the the time to meet someone new. If there is, I wish her all the best, but that’s also where I sign off putting any effort into this relation for good, meaning I would never take her back at that point. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Trudger said:

Did you learn over time that you were “incompatible”? And what made you come to that conclusion?

Personally, I’m definitely clipped and hurt. But I can’t simply give up, it’s not in my nature. The differences my wife and I have is that we come from different familial backgrounds. Like views on marriage and sincerity in feelings. We both also come from dysfunctional family backgrounds. So she’s hardened by it and I’m pretty much scarred. But our core values and morals are very much alike. 

I found we were incompatible over time when our lifestyles became very different and I realized he was actually quite selfish. I won’t go into the details of what drew me to these conclusions as the list is long. 

About giving up, no one wants to give up or most people don’t want to give up when it comes to long term commitment. It goes against the very word commitment. You choose each other as you observed and you take vows to be there for better or for worse. At some point survival instincts do kick in though especially with dysfunctional relationships.

Like you I also went through a period of not wanting to give up. But I couldn’t ignore all the issues or prolonging the misery of that marriage. Also, nothing about him changed. I realized in the end I cared about him but I didn’t like him as a person. That may sound harsh but there you have it. 

So while giving up isn’t what anyone wants to do really, it’s more a matter of being realistic with what’s in front of you and not living in denial. Your wife and you will have to decide whether you prefer to separate or divorce. It only takes one person to say they’re finished. It’s not usually an agreement and I think that’s what many struggle with. 

Edited March 9, 2022 by glows

[Trudger]

36 minutes ago, glows said:

I found we were incompatible over time when our lifestyles became very different and I realized he was actually quite selfish. I won’t go into the details of what drew me to these conclusions as the list is long. 

About giving up, no one wants to give up or most people don’t want to give up when it comes to long term commitment. It goes against the very word commitment. You choose each other as you observed and you take vows to be there for better or for worse. At some point survival instincts do kick in though especially with dysfunctional relationships.

Like you I also went through a period of not wanting to give up. But I couldn’t ignore all the issues or prolonging the misery of that marriage. Also, nothing about him changed. I realized in the end I cared about him but I didn’t like him as a person. That may sound harsh but there you have it. 

So while giving up isn’t what anyone wants to do really, it’s more a matter of being realistic with what’s in front of you and not living in denial. Your wife and you will have to decide whether you prefer to separate or divorce. It only takes one person to say they’re finished. It’s not usually an agreement and I think that’s what many struggle with. 

I sincerely do understand your perspective, and just like you I have pet peeves with her for being, among other traits, selfish. I’ve made concessions, I’ve compromised. And I know now what that has turned me into.

And I’m also not blind to the fact that this might be the end forever. But I am also staring down the barrel of extreme loneliness as the kids are still so young and thus are more in need of their mother. When it comes to our 2-year old, there’s not a chance in this world that he’d choose me over his mother. The others struggle in the matter but I’m positive they’re eventually going to give in to rather wanting to be where most of the others of their family are. The 2-year old and the 5-year old is definitely going to “side” with her, so that’s half the family that’s going to definitely be part of one side of this family. 
 

So this is my incentive to not give up just yet. IF there is another man in the picture, or if there’s about to be in the near future. That, is going to be when I throw in the towel. That’s the definitive end. If she beds another man, she’s burnt her bridges to me for good. 
 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Trudger said:

 she felt noticeably standoffish.

, the second youngest son who is 5 says he doesn't mom and dad to split up, but is still not really sure how everything works. The middle child who is 7 is up in arms.

Does she have a place lined up to move to? Or is she just protesting your drinking?

Don't drag your children into this. Why are they already upset when you're still living together?

The only way for you to possibly salvage this is to commit to sobriety and stop checking out and drinking all weekend.

[Trudger]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she have a place lined up to move to? Or is she just protesting your drinking?

Don't drag your children into this. Why are they already upset when you're still living together?

The only way for you to possibly salvage this is to commit to sobriety and stop checking out and drinking all weekend.

Yes, she applied for an apartment about half a mile from where we currently live (about 1km), didn't think she'd get it, but then got it anyway. She needs a way to transport a bit of furniture like beds and such, that's the reason she's still here. I offered to help disassemble it and move it by hand, but she declined.

The reason to why the children are upset is that we, or mostly I, have been trying to talk to them about it. That they don't need to worry.

I am staying sober, so far I've only managed 2 weekends, but it has also only been 2 weeks since she gave me the heads up. But I am dead set on staying sober. Drinking got me to where I am today, and I haven't wanted to drink in a long while, but kept doing so out of despair. But if this is what I have to give up to continue drinking, then I am not drinking anymore.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Trudger said:

 mostly I, have been trying to talk to them about it. Drinking got me to where I am today, 

Stop inflicting this on the small children. If/when your children's mother moves out, a court will decide on visitation and custody as well as child support.

You'll have to apply for visitation and custody and she will have to apply for child support on their behalf.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Trudger said:

So this is my incentive to not give up just yet. IF there is another man in the picture, or if there’s about to be in the near future. That, is going to be when I throw in the towel. That’s the definitive end. If she beds another man, she’s burnt her bridges to me for good. 
 

Oh. I have heard this before. I think that's fair but it's also putting the ball firmly in her court and rendering yourself powerless in this interaction. I think you're feeling very hurt and low. The best thing to do is to seek counselling and support emotionally and mentally from a trained therapist who deals with marital issues. Go in private and get things off your chest there. Both of you may also consider counselling for coparenting as this needs to be addressed. I think you feel that also as you're struggling seeing the kids sad and confused. A counsellor for coparenting during separation/divorce can help with this. 

 

[Trudger]

15 hours ago, glows said:

Oh. I have heard this before. I think that's fair but it's also putting the ball firmly in her court and rendering yourself powerless in this interaction. I think you're feeling very hurt and low. The best thing to do is to seek counselling and support emotionally and mentally from a trained therapist who deals with marital issues. Go in private and get things off your chest there. Both of you may also consider counselling for coparenting as this needs to be addressed. I think you feel that also as you're struggling seeing the kids sad and confused. A counsellor for coparenting during separation/divorce can help with this. 

 

No, I’m not sure if I understand your input right here. I mean, I’m not just gonna “put the ball in her court” and then do nothing. Im actively going to work with myself to become the man I once was, a man who instills trust and security. Not a man who is moody and mopey. I’m gonna invest myself in the children, not just be a ghost who sweeps around the in the background and provides money. I’m going to build me up that way, and show it to her, that I can change. And hopefully all along we’ll be able to overcome our grudges and make our relationship flourish once again. 

I’m just saying that if I all of the sudden see her wrapped around another man out and about town, I’m going to stop pursuing mending our intimate relationship. That, in my book, would be the ultimate betrayal, and means that she’s (excuse my harsh language here) selfishly pissing all over our history, our kids, our memories, and sure as hell any dreams we once had. Obviously, I’m still going to have a parental relationship to her, because of the children, but if she ever wanted to get back together, it would be over by that point. 
 

I honestly can’t reason about this, she’s emotionally and psychologically spent, sure, but uprooting the kids, wanting to sever our relationship, doesn’t make any sense. And on top of that, she’s even told me a few times now that she loves me the last few days (don’t know if I’ve said that she hasn’t moved out yet) I even asked if she means that she loves me just not as a partner, and she said it isn’t like that, and that she do love me “romantically”. When I asked her if she wanted to keep being intimate and have sex while we’re separated, she answered yes, but when I asked if I could have sleepovers at her place she said she didn’t want to confuse the kids. So I’m guessing she’s overwhelmed by impressions right now, hence why nothing makes sense to me.

The only sense I can make of this right now, is that she only have eyes for getting out of this house right now. She has tunnel vision and there’s not much else that can be done about it on my part than try to keep my composure, try to be compassionate and empathetic, and not aggravate her further with trying to get an explanation. I’m gonna give her a bit of a cool down period of up to a couple of weeks, and then hopefully start to build up trust in me again.