I think I'm too messed up to maintain healthy friendships

[Wearyone]

I'm a 30y/o introvert female. I mention that I'm introverted because I've never had much luck making friends. Usually I've just been adopted by an extrovert and more outgoing types and remained in that friendship until it faded out. Or ended because of a disagreement. I'm considered kind of odd, and can be pretty socially awkward. 

My last close friendship ended badly. I lost my dad in 2020 and became very depressed. My ex best friend couldn't handle how severe my illness was. I also fell out with a mutual friend of ours and he couldn't forgive me for it. 

Towards the end of last year I met a new group of people and tried to become a part of their group. I stupidly had a one night stand with one of them, before quickly realising he had been using me. Pretending to be my friend to get laid. He kept texting me almost every day, but now he only ever talked about himself. I decided to test him by arranging to hang out again. If he really was interested in me as a friend or otherwise I figured he'd follow through. 

He didn't. He stood me up with no good explanation. And no apology when I got upset. 

I tried not to let it affect my interactions with the others in the group too much. But deep down I was deeply hurt and angry. I realised I'd been infatuated with the guy. I'd also been extremely lonely. Having someone text me almost every day was a band aid for that lonliness. Even if I knew it was fake on his part. 

The thing that makes me think something is wrong with me is this. For the last six months I intentionally harassed him by text. It started off pretty harmless. After a month of no talking, just two friendly texts trying to reconcile. Another month went by, I saw him at a Halloween party. Sent him voice messages trying to explain why I'd freaked out. He didn't respond or block me. I was really struggling with obsessive feelings and thoughts about this person, to the point I would wear a rubber band around my wrist a ping it to inflict a sharp sting if I thought about him too much or wanted to contact him. 

After a few months my infatuation was replaced by hatred. I realised this guy wouldn't block me because my texts stroked his ego. But he was never going to respond either. It was a game to him. 

So I started trying to force him to block me. I rang at annoying hours of the  night. Texted. Never abusive, just annoying texts. 

Finally after six months he has blocked me. But now the others in the friend group have distanced themselves. I realised they were never going to accept me. That he'd poisoned them against me. He didn't block me, so he could prove I was crazy because I was still texting after all those months. 

So I said to myself. I have nothing to lose now. Went to his house and asked for an apology. You can imagine how that went. Got the door slammed in my face. Which is probably something I'd do if someone showed up at my door randomly. I also got drunk one evening and tried to make a revenge dating profile in his name with his photos, warning other women to keep away from him. He saw it and posted a public Facebook status accusing me of identity fraud and saying he'd contact my employer and the cops if I contacted him again. 

I got angry and pretty much freaked out at one of my friends from that group. I was upset that my behaviour was being critisized, but not his. I didn't know before but have since found out he is well known for his shitty treatment of women he dates. 

I freaked out at her, finally spilling how much of a hellish struggle the last few months have been. Overshared and pretty much word vomited at her. 

This happens to me a lot. Holding things in for months and then blowing up at people often ends my relationships. And I'm certain it's ended this one. I sent her an apology in which I took full responsibility for what I've done. Including deliberately harassing her friend, the crappy guy. I haven't heard from her. I don't think I will and I don't blame her. 

I won't try to defend my toxic behaviour. I know how messed up it is. I just really needed to get this all down. When I was harassing him it made total sense to me that he deserved it. That he'd caused me months of emotional agony and the least he could do was put up with me being an annoyance. 

But what has happened has been a wake up call for me. I've realised how hypersensitive I've become to rejection after losing my dad and best friend. Acting in ways I never thought possible. 

I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with me. That I'm a perverse stalker and weirdo. That people are right when they say I am "off" or "wrong." 

I'm afraid I'll keep destroying all my relationships with my neediness and lack of trust. That I'll always be alone, and that maybe alone is what I deserve. 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Wearyone said:

For the last six months I intentionally harassed him by text. It started off pretty harmless.

You have excellent insight and write quite articulately. This will help tremendously in therapy. However start with going to a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Mention the depression, anxiety, withdrawal, obsessive thoughts, anger, etc.

 Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. With good follow up you'll be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive rewarding ones.

Focus on your work, interests, hobbies. Consider joining clubs and groups, taking some classes/courses. Get involved in sports and fitness and make health goals for yourself. Volunteer. It's about redirecting thoughts and behaviors rather than snapping a rubber band to force-quit thoughts/actions. 

 

[Wearyone]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. With good follow up you'll be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive rewarding ones. 

 

I have a history of repeated depressive episodes, and have been in and out of therapy since I was 16. The messed up thing is, I had just finished a year of therapy with a psychologist and thought I was doing great before I met these people and all this stuff happened. I was doing well with my moods and thought I was recovered from depression. But it turns out I was only partially recovered. 

I've been relapsing throughout this situation for the last few months in time with these events. I tried two different therapists during this time. I didn't find either very helpful. So unfortunately I've been pretty much on a downward spiral on my own. On therapist three now and hoping they'll be better. 

Thanks for the advice, it's good advice. I am currently pretty deeply depressed, especially after everything that has happened. I am struggling to get up in the mornings, do basic self care, brush my teeth etc. But will try to get well enough where I can distract myself with some of those activities you suggested. 

I keep wondering if I am an awful person. 

 

[basil67]

No, you're not an awful person.  But you have certainly been exhibiting some unhealthy behaviours.   I think you've got a good handle on recognising that you've got some behaviours which need addressing, but at the same time your post is full of contradictory things.  It's like you don't blame them for walking away from you, but at the same time, there is a high degree of seeing yourself as a victim when you really weren't a victim at all. 

It's great that you've been working with psychologists, but as this hasn't helped, I would suggest that it's time to get a referral to a psychiatrist.   For example, you mention repeated depressive episodes. Now, that could be general depression coming and going...or it could be indicative of a bipolar disorder.  Or something else.  I'm not going to diagnose, but I do think that you need to seek a higher caliber of assistance.   

Edited March 7, 2022 by basil67

[Wearyone]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

  It's like you don't blame them for walking away from you, but at the same time, there is a high degree of seeing yourself as a victim when you really weren't a victim at all. 

 

I did see myself as a victim. I was angry because while I was falling into a deep depressive episode, his life was fine. He still had supportive friends who stood by him even though they know how he treats women he dates and sleeps with. Both of his closest friends are female. I couldn't stand how much I was suffering, with suicidal thoughts and barely able to function while he was thriving. When I needed my two closest friends in 2020 they left, yet his friends stand by him no matter what, even when he is awful to people. In my mind it felt unjust. Nobody cared how much I was struggling. I was expected to just suck up his childish cruelty and act like nothing happened I couldn't do it. I guess my mind got confused and I was so reminded of my friends in 2020 leaving that the two situations became one and the same in my emotional brain. Even if my logical brain was aware this was not the case. 

I really tried to do better. I saw therapists, I read The Book of Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu. I tried to distract myself with work. But forgiving left me feeling empty and alone. At least if I had anger, I had something left. Or at least that's what it seemed to my messed up brain. I was so angry at losing what seemed like my chance at happiness and friendship because of this stupid situation. I wanted to take it out on someone. The texts were mostly just sad. I never threatened him, I just wanted to annoy him. To teach him a lesson? I don't know. I guess subconsciously I was holding onto a time when he and I were "friends" and everyone in the group still liked me. Even if it was just through being angry and periodically harassing him. I have realized this because I read something about the psychology of stalkers and apparently this is a subconscious motivation for that behavior. 

I guess I also wanted to rebel against everyone expecting me to suffer in silence, and in my way my behavior has been a "f*ck you" to them for expecting that from me. 

So yeah, I feel like a victim in a lot of ways. Whether I have the right to or not, on an emotional level I feel that way. Like I was drowning, and nobody cared because they wanted to keep things "drama free" and "not rock the boat." That was always more important. My needs weren't. 

From my understanding, a psychiatrist is a doctor who hands out medication. A psychologist is a doctor who therapizes. So I'm not sure how exactly that would benefit me as I'm on medication. I've tried taking a personality disorder test with my last psychologist. She said I had personality pathology, but didn't exhibit enough traits of personality disorder for a full diagnosis. And people with bipolar disorder usually have highs. I don't have those. I'm either mildly depressed and high functioning, or deeply depressed and suicidal. Never manic. 

Anyway, I don't expect anyone to read all this. I'm just venting. I'm scared. I'm scared of my behavior and where the lack of adequate support might lead me. I haven't exhibited such strong obsessive behavior over someone like that since I was a teenager, at least not to that extent. I have lost interest in the guy I was harassing, but I am afraid of how I will behave if I get treated that badly again in future. It was never my intention to physically hurt him, I just wanted to spread even a tiny fragment of my misery to him. I am afraid I will continue to alienate myself from others and become a total weirdo. Or eventually end my life. I don't think I would become a full on stalker. But I do worry about a life of unfulfilling relationships and self destructive behavior. 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 8, 2022 by Wearyone
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[basil67]

It sounds like you're being very proactive.  With regards to medication, my son uses a psychiatrist and honestly, some are better than others.  When's the last time you had your meds reviewed by a new person?  

[Wearyone]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

  When's the last time you had your meds reviewed by a new person?  

Five years maybe. A few months ago my GP increased my dose to the maximum. I take antidepressants, SSRI's. They are so strong that I'm afraid if they tried to take me off them or change them, the side effects would cause me to have a full on mental breakdown and get too sick to work. My job is one of the only things I have left. It took me many years of fighting depression and low self esteem to get well enough to have a good, well paying job. I couldn't stand to lose my job. 

I agree. My last psychologist was close in age to me. I felt a pretty strong emotional connection to her at the end. I think her focus was on moving me forward, trying to get me well enough to engage with new people and I got my job while working with her. I think she may have missed out on some of the ways core beliefs I have about myself and others cause relationship dysfunction. 

I just really don't want to turn into a freak. Like burrow down into this weird victim stuff and lose touch with reality completely. I'm actually not particularly sorry I harassed that guy either, and I probably should be? I'm only sorry it led to mutual friends not wanting to be around me anymore. In my mind, he deserved the harassment. He could have blocked me at any time he wanted. I know I should have blocked him myself. That I'm solely responsible for my actions. But a normal person would have blocked me a long time ago. 

I'm only sorry for freaking out at the mutual female friend and possibly hurting her with things I said. I think she is not talking to my anymore because I let slip I have been suicidal. That's a big no no. Nobody who isn't a therapist wants to hear that stuff. 

[basil67]

Wearyone, this is way beyond the garden variety depression which a GP can manage.  Please get a referral to a psychiatrist.  

 

[Wearyone]

Yes I know. I know whatever is wrong with me, it isn't normal and isn't going away with ordinary intervention. I will tell my new psychologist I want to see a psychiatrist. I keep asking to get a proper diagnosis. But they think if I get one, I won't improve because I'll use it as an excuse for my behaviour. 

[basil67]

I don't know the medical system where you are, but will your GP give you a referral to a psychiatrist?   You don't need your psychologist's permission.   

[Wearyone]

Ah, so because of my depressive illness I can only work 20 hours a week. So I can only afford to see a psychologist through community mental health services in my country. That's why the quality of the psychologists I've seen has varied so much. They have psychiatrists there too. The last psychiatrist I saw there wasn't great. 

Financially it's a struggle. My last psychologist was a good one by pure luck. Probably the only good one I've seen. I saw her for a year. 

[Wearyone]

When I had just finished working with her, I was doing great. I was like a different person. This was only eight months or so ago. To be honest, I feel she is the only person who has ever actually somewhat understood me and I miss her. I wouldn't be able to afford her now, as she's gone into private practice. 

[Foxhall]

Not offering any advice really, just wish to say I found your post very interesting,

refreshing honesty and well articulated as someone else said,

sometimes I lose interest in this forum, but a post like yours draws me back in again,

the only thing I will say to you is you are entitled to have proper friendships and you deserve to meet and make genuine friends,

you are a nice person who is happy to share her soul,

one could say you have behaved irrationally and have a certain amount of neediness, but thats ok - you are just searching for somewhere you feel you belong and its ok to make mistakes along the way,

get back out there and meeting and mingling- try not to get as emotionally attached- keep things more casual and look on it as making a fresh start again.

you dont have to share your soul with everyone straight away- keep it casual and cool and let friendships develop over time.

[SingFish]

18 hours ago, Wearyone said:

I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with me. That I'm a perverse stalker and weirdo. That people are right when they say I am "off" or "wrong." 

You behaved badly, as people often do when they don't get what they want from a relationship, you don't need to use these labels or adopt them as permanent.

Work on yourself! When you are happy in your relationship with you- which means being able to be alone or accept a rejection or bad news without completely falling apart- you will attract genuine happy people into your life.

 

[glows]

18 hours ago, Wearyone said:

But what has happened has been a wake up call for me. I've realised how hypersensitive I've become to rejection after losing my dad and best friend. Acting in ways I never thought possible. 

Have you tried grief counselling? It helps with the death of a loved one. 

[Wearyone]

On 3/9/2022 at 3:58 AM, glows said:

Have you tried grief counselling? It helps with the death of a loved one. 

I am starting a new type of therapy with a new psychologist. They are looking at doing some trauma work with me as they think I have suppressed trauma causing me to become triggered too easily. I'm nervous and a little afraid to uncover what's there, but if it can give me some relief I'm all for it. 

I've always struggled with depressive episodes, but the intensity of these behaviours is new and worrying to me. 

[Wearyone]

On 3/9/2022 at 2:35 AM, Foxhall said:

Not offering any advice really, just wish to say I found your post very interesting,

refreshing honesty and well articulated as someone else said,

sometimes I lose interest in this forum, but a post like yours draws me back in again,

the only thing I will say to you is you are entitled to have proper friendships and you deserve to meet and make genuine friends,

you are a nice person who is happy to share her soul,

one could say you have behaved irrationally and have a certain amount of neediness, but thats ok - you are just searching for somewhere you feel you belong and its ok to make mistakes along the way,

get back out there and meeting and mingling- try not to get as emotionally attached- keep things more casual and look on it as making a fresh start again.

you dont have to share your soul with everyone straight away- keep it casual and cool and let friendships develop over time.

 

On 3/9/2022 at 2:35 AM, Foxhall said:

one could say you have behaved irrationally and have a certain amount of neediness, but thats ok - you are just searching for somewhere you feel you belong and its ok to make mistakes along the way,

get back out there and meeting and mingling- try not to get as emotionally attached- keep things more casual and look on it as making a fresh start again.

you dont have to share your soul with everyone straight away- keep it casual and cool and let friendships develop over time.

Thanks. I think this is the mistake I made. I smelled a whiff of potential acceptance and relief from my lonliness and became somewhat frantic. Investing too much emotionally, resenting people I barely had gotten to know for not "supporting" me even though I knew logically that was too much to expect. I will be monitoring myself carefully for similar behaviour in future.