Feeling Insecure as an Overthinker

[BaileyB]

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this long distance relationship has run it’s course. It sounds like your relationship is ending, she just hasn’t said it. And that’s ok, there will be other relationships. Not every relationship is meant to be forever.

Edited March 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[MilesLeftToGo]

@glows @BaileyB What if I want to make it work? What do I have to do on my end of things?

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Like my title says, I was texting my partner and she told me that she was going to go out after school instead of doing something with her sports activity like she was originally supposed to. So I asked her what does it mean that you are going out, I asked her what she is going to do and she did not respond. I know she was free and not busy, so I called her twice neither answered or rejected and sent her a couple texts and she finally replied telling me "I don't want to call right now sorry" So then I said tell me whats going on. After a few moments of anxiety coursing through my body she replied saying "I'm sad okay?" then another text right after "I'm tired and sad" She also said this same thing to me yesterday and we had no interaction for about 5 hours till around 9:30pm last night which she just wanted to go to sleep at that point. I replied with "Again? Why whats wrong?" I then said "Please don't push me away when I am here for you and to help, you told me not to push you away when my dad went through a stroke and I was distraught by that"  (My dad had a stroke during our first month of me and her being together) 

 

Which she then replied "Because I'm f'd up rn" then right after "And I can't be around or with you when I'm like this" then another "I need to focus on myself right now"

 

I told her I am here for her. She replied Thanks. I then said "If you just need anything at all. If you want to vent to me and I stay silent. Or if you need me to distract you" And her final texts was "Okay" and then right after "Thanks" 

That is where it is left at for now. I am hugely concerned it is because she is just talking to others and being entertained by them.

IMO, when someone says "I need to focus on myself" that's code for "you're smothering me."

You have to kind of learn to "read the room" so to speak.  If someone is acting distant and they don't want to talk about it, just give them space.  The pressuring, pressuring, badgering is not typically going to produce any positive results.  We all have bad days or even bad weeks, you just have to learn to leave her be when she's in one of those moods and let her come back to you when she's ready.

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by dramafreezone

[glows]

10 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@glows @BaileyB What if I want to make it work? What do I have to do on my end of things?

Go back and read all the advice posted in reply to this thread and your other threads. There were numerous points brought up. I strongly suggest you enlist the help of a therapist who can guide you or speak with your doctor about how to deal with your anxiety. 

I really do empathize with you as anxiety can be crippling. I don’t think you’re going to get the level of help needed from a forum.

[dramafreezone]

23 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@glows @BaileyB What if I want to make it work? What do I have to do on my end of things?

A relationship takes two to tango.  You can only be there and be understanding, that's your part.  In this moment that means when she wants space give her space.  It has to be her idea to do her part. 

Often times guys feel that they have to fix things when their GF is in a bad mood but that's often times the worst thing you can do.  It's the opposite, when she's upset you actually need to just back off. You can politely ask if there's anything you can do to help, then leave it at that.  

She has to sort through and figure out her own issues, if she needs you for anything she will ask.

Edited March 10, 2022 by dramafreezone

[BaileyB]

Miles, what else do you have going on in your life that is positive? Do you have friends that you can spend time with? Do you play sports? Do you go to the gym? Work? Go to school? 

My advice would be to focus a little less on your relationship and a little more on your own life. It serves two purposes, it gives her a little more space and it gives you a little more balance. You will be a happier, healthier person, if you life is full of different things - if you are not leaning on one person to bring you happiness. 

I tend to agree with what has been said - if you are an anxious person then a long distance relationship with a woman who is a college student is not a good plan for you. The distance is a significant barrier here. More than that, college is not about having an intimate relationship by phone/video with a physically absent partner - it’s about attending classes, learning, meeting new people, having new experiences, socializing, and dating. 

As was said above, it takes two to tango. If she decides that she wants to enjoy the college experience and she doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore, the best thing you can do is accept her decision graciously and focus on the other things in your life that bring you happiness. 

Edited March 10, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

23 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

I appreciate your reply. Thank you to for commenting on the other post here as well. You mentioned about something else going on....I would say that we have had some difficult times recently as well that has lead to this distance emotionally and mentally from each other. I would say that if we lived together in the same house it would be different, but honestly even if it was in the same local area and she did the same things she was doing now I would still feel the same way and question it. It does stem that during one of our arguements roughly 2 weeks ago, I still told her I loved her and she did not say it back and I asked and she said she just can't at that moment cause she did not feel it, and it was really hurtful cause I thought we were always supposed to love our significant other even through arguments and bad times. But I guess I understood in the end. But she said I love you after that a couple times and we had another issue where I said it to her and she did not say it back, but now with her being super distant and pushing me away, I kind of feel like her "I love you" are like on auto pilot or that she feels like she has to say it in response to me, but it might be my overthinking cause she will offer an I love you first still at times, its just when I say it first and she responds now, she sounds so lifeless and like deadpan.

To be fair, it's completely reasonable for someone to not be able to say ILY when they are mad and in the middle of an argument.  It doesn't mean that they don't love you, but just that they are too wound up at that point.  

You wrote "she did the same things she was doing now I would still feel the same way and question it".   What is she doing which continues to bother you?  Is this what you were fighting over, or was it something else?  

 

[MilesLeftToGo]

@dramafreezone @glows @BaileyB @basil67 Thank you all for your further insight and advice into my situation. Yes I am busy and yes I do have my own things to do. The issue that really bothers me is that she ALWAYS initiated all of these things first and was the one who wanted to do all of these things and I got used to it, it was refreshing that I met someone who just naturally did all these things I have always wanted without me even mentioning its what I want, she just naturally did it on her own. 

 

Then all of a sudden it just stopped. It literally went from 1 day of doing it all to the next it all stopping. Like I listened to the advice of just leaving her alone and let her reach out to me, and last night she did. She called me and apologized and was super sorry and lovey dovey. But I really do not get it fully. I really feel that she is holding onto me for attachment purposes. But the thing is, she is literally the best I have ever had in terms of being with someone. For everyone I ever dated or was interested in the number 1 thing that matters to me in terms of attraction is having a pretty face. Sorry if that is shallow, but its not as shallow as you think cause beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I have been with women of all weight ranges and different heights and all that. This girl though is literally my 100% dream girl. Perfect height, perfect weight, perfect shape, she has a great laugh, amazing face eyes, nose, mouth, like we have the same political, religious, and ethical views. We share some very taboo kinks as well that is very rare to come across another like that, they were her idea too which she brought up first and others she has been with hasn't even liked milder versions of the acts. So I know sex is a very important aspect to relationships and a lot of relationships end or fail if partners are not sexually compatible and me and her are very much completely in sync in that department. We also share a lot of others things as well. Its just I know she suffers from depression and some kind of disorder where she gets extreme abdominal pain that can lead her to being hospitalized and she suffers from tics under stress. Which to me her tics are not annoying at all and are actually very adorable. I just am like really in love and already past the lust stage and I just want this to work, because I can be with someone and do not need to have physical contact or my sexual desires me. Because I just love her mind and her voice and who she is, I do not mind the LDR or waiting. I really want to make this work with her.

[basil67]

@MilesLeftToGo I'd love to help but while you're focussed on how much you love her and want it to work, you're not giving the important details of where it's all going wrong.   I'm still wondering what the two of have been fighting about.  And how did these disagreements escalate to a point where she was super mad with you?  

You also mentioned how she'd initiate everything and now she's stopped doing that so much.  Have you picked up the slack on your end and been initiating things yourself?

 

 

[glows]

4 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@dramafreezone @glows @BaileyB @basil67 Thank you all for your further insight and advice into my situation. Yes I am busy and yes I do have my own things to do. The issue that really bothers me is that she ALWAYS initiated all of these things first and was the one who wanted to do all of these things and I got used to it, it was refreshing that I met someone who just naturally did all these things I have always wanted without me even mentioning its what I want, she just naturally did it on her own. 

 

Then all of a sudden it just stopped. It literally went from 1 day of doing it all to the next it all stopping. Like I listened to the advice of just leaving her alone and let her reach out to me, and last night she did. She called me and apologized and was super sorry and lovey dovey. But I really do not get it fully. I really feel that she is holding onto me for attachment purposes. But the thing is, she is literally the best I have ever had in terms of being with someone. For everyone I ever dated or was interested in the number 1 thing that matters to me in terms of attraction is having a pretty face. Sorry if that is shallow, but its not as shallow as you think cause beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I have been with women of all weight ranges and different heights and all that. This girl though is literally my 100% dream girl. Perfect height, perfect weight, perfect shape, she has a great laugh, amazing face eyes, nose, mouth, like we have the same political, religious, and ethical views. We share some very taboo kinks as well that is very rare to come across another like that, they were her idea too which she brought up first and others she has been with hasn't even liked milder versions of the acts. So I know sex is a very important aspect to relationships and a lot of relationships end or fail if partners are not sexually compatible and me and her are very much completely in sync in that department. We also share a lot of others things as well. Its just I know she suffers from depression and some kind of disorder where she gets extreme abdominal pain that can lead her to being hospitalized and she suffers from tics under stress. Which to me her tics are not annoying at all and are actually very adorable. I just am like really in love and already past the lust stage and I just want this to work, because I can be with someone and do not need to have physical contact or my sexual desires me. Because I just love her mind and her voice and who she is, I do not mind the LDR or waiting. I really want to make this work with her.

What you want versus what’s in front of you may be very different things. The important thing is to be brutally realistic about what you’re getting out of this relationship. And if it is not enough given the circumstances then you are not compatible. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

I do not mind the LDR or waiting. I really want to make this work with her.

What is the possibility of living in the same area?

[MilesLeftToGo]

@basil67 Yes I have always picked up stuff at my end and initiated things, I have been the one initiating everything for the past 2 weeks. But the issues really stem from my insecurities and I was a little to jealous of the people she would talk to in person. Its based off my past relationships where I have been in messed up situations. But at the same time she talked with 2 people in person who she tried to befriend but only after a week or two expressed sexual interest in her which she blocked them after. But its a lot due to her situation in her recent class of 3 other guys who she is friends with all 3 of them and during that class she never responds to me and in other classes she does. She even showed me a picture of her classmate she took while in the class while never responding to an "I love you and thinking of you" text. But she had the time to take a photo of her classmate being caught off guard? So its that where I am concerned. Plus recently she does not want to be on a call with me at all for extended periods so I am paranoid that she is being occupied by someone else since I know she always wants to have constant communication with someone, or at least she did with me.

 

@glows I appreciate and understand that. I feel that with diligence and perserverance I will see the light at the end of the tunnel once I reach there.

 

@Wiseman2 Where we are both at in our lives it would not be until at least 1 more year away.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@basil67 Yes I have always picked up stuff at my end and initiated things, I have been the one initiating everything for the past 2 weeks. But the issues really stem from my insecurities and I was a little to jealous of the people she would talk to in person. Its based off my past relationships where I have been in messed up situations. But at the same time she talked with 2 people in person who she tried to befriend but only after a week or two expressed sexual interest in her which she blocked them after. But its a lot due to her situation in her recent class of 3 other guys who she is friends with all 3 of them and during that class she never responds to me and in other classes she does. She even showed me a picture of her classmate she took while in the class while never responding to an "I love you and thinking of you" text. But she had the time to take a photo of her classmate being caught off guard? So its that where I am concerned. Plus recently she does not want to be on a call with me at all for extended periods so I am paranoid that she is being occupied by someone else since I know she always wants to have constant communication with someone, or at least she did with me.

You still haven't said what the argument was about, but I'm guessing that she sees your behaviour as needy, jealous, overly analytical and annoying while you get upset at her for not being attentive enough.  

Unfortunately, your behaviour has created a self fulfilling prophecy.  You're so worried about her being emotionally distanced from you/not loving you (and fighting over it!) that the end result is her getting annoyed at you and not wanting to spend time with you.  Meanwhile, all the fun guys who aren't making demands on her are likely seeming a whole lot more attractive to her right now because they aren't making demands of her or getting into arguments about saying ILY and how often she gets in contact with them. 

I have to say that sending "I love you and and thinking of you" texts during her classes is probably really, really annoying for her.  Sure, sending one message like that is endearing, but sending them frequently AND expecting responses while she's in class is seriously needy.  And very unattractive.   And long phone calls happen when a couple starts out, but they really aren't sustainable long term.  It's completely understandable that she wants to go out and do fun stuff with her friends and not spend all night at home on the phone with you.   It would be far more reasonable to catch up for a 10 min chat before each of you does your own thing for the evening and have a night or two when you can chat for an hour or so.

I wish you'd come to us long ago.  This could have been saved if you'd backed off a while ago, but I think it's probably too late now.   Yes, she did call and apologise recently, but I feel like it's all going to be downhill from here.   Sorry.

[MilesLeftToGo]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

You still haven't said what the argument was about, but I'm guessing that she sees your behaviour as needy, jealous, overly analytical and annoying while you get upset at her for not being attentive enough.  

Unfortunately, your behaviour has created a self fulfilling prophecy.  You're so worried about her being emotionally distanced from you/not loving you (and fighting over it!) that the end result is her getting annoyed at you and not wanting to spend time with you.  Meanwhile, all the fun guys who aren't making demands on her are likely seeming a whole lot more attractive to her right now because they aren't making demands of her or getting into arguments about saying ILY and how often she gets in contact with them. 

I have to say that sending "I love you and and thinking of you" texts during her classes is probably really, really annoying for her.  Sure, sending one message like that is endearing, but sending them frequently AND expecting responses while she's in class is seriously needy.  And very unattractive.   And long phone calls happen when a couple starts out, but they really aren't sustainable long term.  It's completely understandable that she wants to go out and do fun stuff with her friends and not spend all night at home on the phone with you.   It would be far more reasonable to catch up for a 10 min chat before each of you does your own thing for the evening and have a night or two when you can chat for an hour or so.

I wish you'd come to us long ago.  This could have been saved if you'd backed off a while ago, but I think it's probably too late now.   Yes, she did call and apologise recently, but I feel like it's all going to be downhill from here.   Sorry.

The arguements were usually about little small things about jealousy related things. Never nothing actually big or serious, it was just  a lot of continuous small things. But I will be honest, everything you have said is actually 100% spot on now that I self reflect and think about it. That is actually everything that has been happening. Its really insane how you picked out the exact things that are happening. I really feel despair from all this and helpless and I do not want to let go. I do not know what to do, I want to fix it still and make it work, and all I had to do was to give her her space? Thats literally it? You say it is to late, but I do not think it is ever to late if they are sticking around asking for the space and time. But what does that actually mean? Makes me think she wants to be occupied by someone else, but does it really mean that if I leave her alone and giver her space and time that she will just love me more for it and want to be with me still? 

[glows]

You’ll have to take that risk giving her space because you’ll lose her anyway by suffocating her or being jealous. 

 

[MilesLeftToGo]

36 minutes ago, glows said:

You’ll have to take that risk giving her space because you’ll lose her anyway by suffocating her or being jealous. 

 

Not to sound like an idiot cause noone ever told me they need space or time like that. Like what does that actually mean and entail? How much space? How much time? Does that mean absolutely no contact at all until they reach out to me even if that means weeks? I never had this happen before and its really frightening because we have literally messaged each other every day since meeting. When someone says they need space and time does that mean they want to talk to other people or be occupied with someone elses attention? Like the first time she brought it up about needing time and space she said "I'm sad okay?" "i'm tired and sad"  I asked her why and she said "Because I'm (f'ed) up rn"    CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT SHE MEANS?      "And I can't be around or with you when I'm like this"   ALSO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?       "I need to focus on myself right now"   Like I get what the last one means partly, but like does it fully mean she is overwhelmed and so busy that she just needs to take care of herself and her own stuff and can't really handle someone else at all? Like that doesnt mean she is talking to someone else in my place does it?

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Does that mean absolutely no contact at all until they reach out to me even if that means weeks?

Yes it means back off and stop smothering. You'll have to wait for her to reach out.

If you continue to smother, you'll risk her blocking you.

[Els]

We did a LDR for 2 years (closed the distance 11 years ago and been together since). They are ridiculously hard, one of the hardest things I've done in my life. They can be worth it, but when you are apart, you are apart. It is extremely difficult to maintain a connection while apart, and requires much more effort on both people's parts than maintaining the same connection in an in-person relationship. And by "effort" I don't mean that "more communication is better", I mean overall effort - including making the effort to dial back one's insecurities and anxious thoughts, to understand that your partner has a life where they are and that while you are part of it,  you should not be the entirety of it.

I do think it's unrealistic to expect her to call or text you while she's in class. Yes, she should be making an effort to connect with you, but it's also unhealthy to expect that your partner will keep communicating with you while they're at class or work. Have expectations, sure, but they should be reasonable - e.g. Skyping AFTER work or class each day. As you are only a 7 hour drive apart, presumably there is no change in time zone, so at least you have that going for you.

I wish you all the best.

Edited March 11, 2022 by Elswyth

[glows]

1 hour ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Not to sound like an idiot cause noone ever told me they need space or time like that. Like what does that actually mean and entail? How much space? How much time? Does that mean absolutely no contact at all until they reach out to me even if that means weeks? I never had this happen before and its really frightening because we have literally messaged each other every day since meeting. When someone says they need space and time does that mean they want to talk to other people or be occupied with someone elses attention? Like the first time she brought it up about needing time and space she said "I'm sad okay?" "i'm tired and sad"  I asked her why and she said "Because I'm (f'ed) up rn"    CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT SHE MEANS?      "And I can't be around or with you when I'm like this"   ALSO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?       "I need to focus on myself right now"   Like I get what the last one means partly, but like does it fully mean she is overwhelmed and so busy that she just needs to take care of herself and her own stuff and can't really handle someone else at all? Like that doesnt mean she is talking to someone else in my place does it?

Why does your mind automatically revert to cheating when she says she needs some time? In all my years of dating or even marriage, I haven't been too worried about my partners cheating and I don't know that any of them have, to my knowledge. You seem to have a lot of pent up frustration and severe anxiety you haven't worked out from your prior relationships. Do you feel like you're just not good enough? Why would you think she's cheating? This is puzzling to me. 

If someone were to say they are "tired and sad" I'd believe it. I would trust my partner and I'd go outside and do something in the yard or make something nice to eat or work. I think this is eating at you because it's an accumulation of many things and a lot of this is also the long distance and being physically apart. You seem to struggle a lot with that yet don't want to give up which is really sad. It's not being realistic about your situation and you're also not addressing your anxiety from prior relationships.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Like the first time she brought it up about needing time and space she said "I'm sad okay?" "i'm tired and sad"  I asked her why and she said "Because I'm (f'ed) up rn"    CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT SHE MEANS?      "And I can't be around or with you when I'm like this"   ALSO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?       

We can't explain what she means, OP.  Only she can. We don't know exactly what she is thinking. 

Whatever the case may be, you need to take a few deep breaths. Understand that freaking out won't bring you answers. And understand that should this crumble, yes, it will hurt - but you will be okay. 

[MilesLeftToGo]

@basil67 So there really is no hope you think to fix it and change it and do better? Nothing I can do at all? Like even just completely giving her the space she asks for won't do it?

@Wiseman2 Thank you, I understand. Do you think there is still hope? 

@Elswyth Thank you for your input. Do you think it can really last and work out? 

@ExpatInItaly Thank you for that. It is hard not to freak out though. I am in love.

@glows Because I have talked with 4 women online, 3 I met in person, 1 who I was talking with had a fiancee who was long distance but she was bored of him but kept him cause he had money, but she was attracted to me. But I found out 3 months in and apparently she would have me on Skype while on a call with him simultaneously on Discord and would just use push to talk. That was a huge thing that messed me up cause I would never have involved myself with a person who would cheat. But she was the 1 I never met in person even though there were plans made. The other 3 I ended up meeting counting my current 1. One of them ended up having multiple people at the same time. Even when we met our third time in person she went to bathroom and left her phone out and someone she was talking with sent her an I love you message bragging about their love for each other, someone I recognized who she followed on social media. So my insecurities are huge. Its why it was amazing at first she did everything right and I did not even have to ask for reassurance, she just did everything naturally perfect. So her pulling away about 2 weeks ago was like I was doing 60mph and a brick wall appeared and I crashed into it. Like it was not gradual at all, it just happened all at once. Think about if you are given like 3,000 calories of food every day for 4 months and then you just drop to 1,000 all at once every day after. That's how I feel.

And yeah I believe her, it is just the circumstances of these guys in her exclusively small class getting her number the same week she changed has me concerned, also what happened over the weekend on Saturday night she said she loved me and can't wait to live together and spend the rest of our lives together. But then we were supposed to spend the whole day Sunday, but my power went out cause of a really bad wind storm knocked out a power cable and didnt get power back till the next day in the afternoon, so she spent Sunday without me and told me she played some online games and made some new friends and when Monday came and we were supposed to talk when she got out of school she said she did not feel good and did not want to spend anytime with me, but she did admit to getting on the game and I am really sure it was to play with the person she met when I had no power. She also unadded my game account cause she said she wanted some privacy. But we just got off the phone a little bit ago and she said she loves me and will talk to me tonight when she gets home from her sports game and then is going to hang out with friends after.

Edited March 11, 2022 by MilesLeftToGo

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@Wiseman2 Thank you, I understand. Do you think there is still hope? 

She seems to care about you, but try not to let your anxiety run the show making your fears and panic your worst enemies.

[glows]

20 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@basil67 So there really is no hope you think to fix it and change it and do better? Nothing I can do at all? Like even just completely giving her the space she asks for won't do it?

@Wiseman2 Thank you, I understand. Do you think there is still hope? 

@Elswyth Thank you for your input. Do you think it can really last and work out? 

@ExpatInItaly Thank you for that. It is hard not to freak out though. I am in love.

@glows Because I have talked with 4 women online, 3 I met in person, 1 who I was talking with had a fiancee who was long distance but she was bored of him but kept him cause he had money, but she was attracted to me. But I found out 3 months in and apparently she would have me on Skype while on a call with him simultaneously on Discord and would just use push to talk. That was a huge thing that messed me up cause I would never have involved myself with a person who would cheat. But she was the 1 I never met in person even though there were plans made. The other 3 I ended up meeting counting my current 1. One of them ended up having multiple people at the same time. Even when we met our third time in person she went to bathroom and left her phone out and someone she was talking with sent her an I love you message bragging about their love for each other, someone I recognized who she followed on social media. So my insecurities are huge. Its why it was amazing at first she did everything right and I did not even have to ask for reassurance, she just did everything naturally perfect. So her pulling away about 2 weeks ago was like I was doing 60mph and a brick wall appeared and I crashed into it. Like it was not gradual at all, it just happened all at once. Think about if you are given like 3,000 calories of food every day for 4 months and then you just drop to 1,000 all at once every day after. That's how I feel.

And yeah I believe her, it is just the circumstances of these guys in her exclusively small class getting her number the same week she changed has me concerned, also what happened over the weekend on Saturday night she said she loved me and can't wait to live together and spend the rest of our lives together. But then we were supposed to spend the whole day Sunday, but my power went out cause of a really bad wind storm knocked out a power cable and didnt get power back till the next day in the afternoon, so she spent Sunday without me and told me she played some online games and made some new friends and when Monday came and we were supposed to talk when she got out of school she said she did not feel good and did not want to spend anytime with me, but she did admit to getting on the game and I am really sure it was to play with the person she met when I had no power. She also unadded my game account cause she said she wanted some privacy. But we just got off the phone a little bit ago and she said she loves me and will talk to me tonight when she gets home from her sports game and then is going to hang out with friends after.

It seems she's looking for more balance in her life. Less about her life being about you/the relationship and more variety. This is jarring to you because you got used to a level of involvement that perhaps was never sustainable in the long run. 

You can learn to adapt and roll with this or you can panic some more and push her away. It's really up to you. You are also entitled to deciding of course that she's not your cup of tea. And love has very little to do with that (compatibility).

[MilesLeftToGo]

@Wiseman2 @glows

Is it ok to share these posts with her in an attempt to show I am trying to do better and get a good understanding at all or is that a really big no no?

 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Not to sound like an idiot cause noone ever told me they need space or time like that. Like what does that actually mean and entail? How much space? How much time? Does that mean absolutely no contact at all until they reach out to me even if that means weeks? I never had this happen before and its really frightening because we have literally messaged each other every day since meeting. When someone says they need space and time does that mean they want to talk to other people or be occupied with someone elses attention? Like the first time she brought it up about needing time and space she said "I'm sad okay?" "i'm tired and sad"  I asked her why and she said "Because I'm (f'ed) up rn"    CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT SHE MEANS?      "And I can't be around or with you when I'm like this"   ALSO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?       "I need to focus on myself right now"   Like I get what the last one means partly, but like does it fully mean she is overwhelmed and so busy that she just needs to take care of herself and her own stuff and can't really handle someone else at all? Like that doesnt mean she is talking to someone else in my place does it?

As someone else said, only she can tell you what it really means.  But I will take a guess: I think that if her relationship with you was easy with no arguments or demands, she wouldn't be saying this stuff. But as it is, she's got a lot on her plate and your actions have been exacerbating the stuff she has to deal with.   And I use those words deliberately.   Your actions are making the relationship yet another thing she has to deal with.

And yes, I do feel like this is doomed.  There's just too much damage and distance.