Feeling Insecure as an Overthinker

[glows]

59 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@Wiseman2 @glows

Is it ok to share these posts with her in an attempt to show I am trying to do better and get a good understanding at all or is that a really big no no?

 

That's really up to you. I wouldn't. I think it's manipulative and you're pressuring her or trying to convince her you're a good guy. I don't know why you feel you have to do this. She already chooses to be with you. Try not to self-sabotage and blow things up or create chaos in your relationship. 

I think you're upset that you didn't get to spend time with her on Sunday. Something more productive and useful would be to set up another date this weekend and spend time together. If she's not free or keeps saying that she's not free to spend time with you in person, please don't keep trying to be with someone who can't or won't spend time with you in person. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

Is it ok to share these posts with her in an attempt to show I am trying to do better and get a good understanding at all or is that a really big no no?

I think that would backfire, OP. Not a good idea. 

Firstly, she might not appreciate that you have posted your problems on a public forum (even though it's anonymous)

Secondly, the tone of your posts is quite desperate and needy. It's not a good look and won't help paint you in a better light. My guess is that showing her this thread would have the exact opposite effect that you're looking for. 

[MilesLeftToGo]

@Wiseman2 @basil67 @glows So I talked with her tonight, and I hope one of you can explain to me this. So on Saturday we had a great day like I said and at night she told me she loves me so much and cant wait to live with me and marry me right? Sunday we did not have much interaction besides falling asleep on call because my power was off due to weather storm and her telling me she was sad waking me up. But come Monday we had an alright morning. But when she got home from School she wanted nothing to do with me right, she said she did not want to call or do anything, this is why I am so hung up is that there was no issue prior. But she did it again the entire week. Every day she would call me for like 3 minutes and then get off asap and say she has to go or wants to go just because right? And so she did it again tonight, but I persisted to let me speak and get this out. So I asked her what do I need to do and she said if I want to make this work that when she asks for space that I give it to her. I said alright, then I asked her what can I do better in our relationship. She told me to get my life together. I am confused to what that means, cause I have a successful career, I have my own car, I see my family a lot. She told me that doing adult things does not mean I have my life together, so I do not know exactly what she means by that. Anyone elaborate please?

 

@ExpatInItaly thank you for that

Edited March 12, 2022 by MilesLeftToGo

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

She told me to get my life together. I am confused to what that means, cause I have a successful career, I have my own car, I see my family a lot. She told me that doing adult things does not mean I have my life together, so I do not know exactly what she means by that. Anyone elaborate please?

Why didn't you ask her what she meant? You really should. 

My guess is that she means you're too emotionally-dependent on her and too clingy. You say you say your family a lot, but do you have friends you hang out with? Hobbies or other activities you engage in? A social life? 

Edited March 12, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[MilesLeftToGo]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you ask her what she meant? You really should. 

My guess is that she means you're too emotionally-dependent on her and too clingy. You say you say your family a lot, but do you have friends you hang out with? Hobbies or other activities you engage in? A social life? 

I did ask her what that means, and she couldnt really give me an answer and said I was hopeless if I dont know, but then I asked her what does it mean to her if you have your life together and she told me that at the end of the day do you feel accomplished and satisfied with your day.

I used to have a social life, but when we were together we both canceled plans constantly to just hang out with each other. A lot of my time was spent with her, so we did a lot of online activities together and I got used to it. So basically she just wants me to find other stuff to do with out her again. I get that part then. It's just I guess I was enjoying how we spent our time together and the variety of things we did, but it really only seemed like she picked up a lot more stuff this semester. Its odd and confusing too cause she was always the one who lead me in the direction of how we spent our time, and so for her to change like this I guess just has me off put.

Edited March 12, 2022 by MilesLeftToGo

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

said I was hopeless if I dont know

This is not good.

She sounds very frustrated and on her way out of the relationship, honestly. 

Next time around, don't lose all sense of balance in your life just because you meet someone you're excited about. It will leave you frantic and unhappy when things start to fall apart - which is exactly what you're experiencing now. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@Wiseman2 @glows

Is it ok to share these posts with her in an attempt to show I am trying to do better and get a good understanding at all or is that a really big no no?

 

Well that's contacting her in a very passive aggressive manner trying to make her read pages of your posts.

Perhaps you are hoping she'll block you to end your torment? Because sending her this journal-like expose you shared about her, replete with her kinks, is sure to be the final nail in the coffin.

Stop. That's worse than the smothering. Now you are using your thread and the responses as a jury on your behalf?

Take a deep breath. Make an appointment with your physician about this paralyzing anxiety and obsession.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

She asked for space. Respect that.

Edited March 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[MilesLeftToGo]

@ExpatInItaly @Wiseman2 Well I meant by sharing this as in mentioning it in a way that I found out some information that could help us, I would not exactly show her the forum stuff. Well she said I was hopeless to the fact if I did not know what she meant by getting my life together. Cause in my opinion on what it means I do have my life together. I am just torn and exhausted and stressed about whats going on between me and her right now. Like before this going on the past 2 or 3 weeks now, I had plans with friends and stuff to do and we talked about how we will cancel those plans to hang out with each other. To be honest I had much more plans and ability to hang out with my friends and do things than she did, but she had me cancel my plans just so we could spend time together. But now that she has become "busy" over the past 3 weeks, its like now I need to have other stuff to do? After I ostracized myself from people in my life. I also am an online content creator and I have a small presence, I am not hugely known or anything, but I run a community of about 300 people, and I had a lot of online friends, where she was extremely uncomfortable with me having so many people added she mentioned that in the past it was a bad situation with her and an ex where he ended up talking to many people at once and cheated on her. So she had me cut down my contact list, I will be honest I was not friends with every single one, there was a lot of random people I added just to promote my content and community, but that is besides the point, I had to reduce my contacts list from 200 people to 50 people. Like when we wanted to hang out and I told her I have something to do and I asked her if she wants me to cancel to spend my time with her she told me yes in a cute voice that she would like me to cancel so we can spend time.

 

So its like really messed up that she has a influx of friends and stuff to do now, cause I am telling you before she was clingy hard and always was around me on voice or through text every chance she could get. So she is making me feel like a placeholder and now that she has other things and friends that I am secondary and just an option. It is why I am so concerned with the cheating thing cause I know how she always wanted my attention before and to just always talk with me. Then when the thing that started Monday where she just wanted space and not be on a call or text me at all is confusing. When my power was out on that Sunday her sister and her hung out and she told me that her sister gave her a lot of advice and insight into relationships, I asked her what it was about and she said none of my business and then I asked well was it at least a good or bad thing and she said it doesnt matter. But I really did not think it was a bad thing because she was all happy and lovey dovey with me on the phone and we had a good night, but like I mentioned I was super tired and she woke me up at about 3 different points of the night like at 10pm, 12am, and like 2am saying how she was sad and I asked what was wrong she said "idk" all 3 times but I said it was going to be ok and get better and she told me thank you all 3 times so I thought everything was good, then our texting Monday was really well we both sent each other I love you and I miss you and it was good, but as soon as she got home, she said she was sad and wanted space and alone time and its been that way every day this entire week. So since Monday, me and her have not had any real time to spend with each other and I have never really gotten much time to talk to her at all, like any time I try to get into something meaningful or express myself deeply she says she wants to go and usually she just says she is going to sleep, our convos are like 2-5 minutes long if I am lucky but most of it is asking her to stay on longer so I can talk. So I am just so bothered how I send her a text which she does ignore, cause I see her active on social media or somewhere else, so she is intentionally ignoring my messages. I do not know why she still has me on though with what she is doing, maybe she wants me to leave her? Maybe she is doing these things cause she wants me to call it quits?

 

One of the things me and her talked about in the beginning is abandonment, she told me she has been ghosted and left wondering things with several people she has been with. She has told me that I am one of her strongest relationships ever, but the one that meant more to her prior to me, they were together online for 8 months and they were supposed to meet, but instead of meeting he canceled at last minute and a week after that he ghosted her. She told me she waited an entire month trying to get in contact with him and waiting for him. She even got back together with a guy who ghosted her in person and came back to her a month later and used her physically.

 

So I say this to mean that I am not trying to abandon her especially when I know she is hurting and suffers depression and she admitted that her not taking her depression medication might be causing her to act this way.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@ExpatInItaly @Wiseman2 she admitted that her not taking her depression medication might be causing her to act this way.

It would be best to take a break and relax a bit from all this . You both need a breather from it all. Stop blaming her for your problems.

Focus on your own mental and physical health.

If she refuses to take care of her mental and physical health, that is unfortunate but it won't make an unworkable situation work either way.

[MilesLeftToGo]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best to take a break and relax a bit from all this . You both need a breather from it all. Stop blaming her for your problems.

Focus on your own mental and physical health.

If she refuses to take care of her mental and physical health, that is unfortunate but it won't make an unworkable situation work either way.

I understand what you mean about the breather, but I feel that term out of sight out of mind thing is really accurate, and just from knowing her and getting used to her, she loves being around me as much as possible, so this sudden change has me left really really confused and empty. Like if there was a explanation or reasoning that I could understand it would be different. I do not mean to blame her. My feelings of emptiness and despair are a result of what is going on, but I make mention of her not taking her depression medications as it could be a reason she has changed up so drastically. I just don't understand the disconnect from the amazing day and night we had last Saturday, and then Sunday because my power was out we did not spend the day like we were supposed to, but we still had great text and falling asleep at night on a call and then the morning was good with some great texting, but like I said she got home and told me she was sad and wanted space. I do not get where it came from, like everything was good and great and working to restoring us, just for her to want to be completely away from me. I wonder if it is because of what she talked about with her sister.

 

How likely that what is going on here is she is testing me and just trying to put me through a test of some sort? What is really really odd, is even though Monday she got 5 hours of space from me when she was home and we called at 10pm as she was going to sleep when she answered all she told me is she is going to sleep and goodnight, but as she turned over about 5 minutes later she got my attention to tell me something, and she said randomly how her sister was with over 350 guys during her days of being in school. I did not understand why she randomly brought it up, but then she also said she would probably have done the same thing if she was not in a relationship. So like what the heck does that even mean and why would she tell me that? Is that like a way of her telling me she wants to rack up higher numbers with random dudes? She told me that back in January she got approached by a random guy asking her to hook up which she told him no cause she was in a relationship. But she did not tell me that it happened then, she told me that the same night on Sunday when she talked to her sister. She said talking with her sister made her think of it, but then the next day she said her sister was with 350 people. Like is she wanting space and struggling to even be in a relationship cause she just wants freedom to be with others?

[glows]

I think she’s on her way out and you’re feeling that distance. Dropping comments about her sister and other guys is unkind and she’s giving you a lot of hints and also telling you that her respect for you is waning.

That you should get your life together is a pretty harsh comment and it seems she has already explained what she meant so there’s no need for any of us to tell you what she meant. She wants you to feel satisfied and accomplished, not uneasy constantly. There’s a very real possibility you both bring out the worst in one another. 

When something is causing me to feel uneasy I usually figure out a solution or eliminate the source. I can’t speak for anyone else but life is too precious for me to live it without peace of mind, joy, harmony. You have to decide what you wish to do. 

[MilesLeftToGo]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I think she’s on her way out and you’re feeling that distance. Dropping comments about her sister and other guys is unkind and she’s giving you a lot of hints and also telling you that her respect for you is waning.

That you should get your life together is a pretty harsh comment and it seems she has already explained what she meant so there’s no need for any of us to tell you what she meant. She wants you to feel satisfied and accomplished, not uneasy constantly. There’s a very real possibility you both bring out the worst in one another. 

When something is causing me to feel uneasy I usually figure out a solution or eliminate the source. I can’t speak for anyone else but life is too precious for me to live it without peace of mind, joy, harmony. You have to decide what you wish to do. 

I appreciate what you said, and I honestly can see exactly what you said. I am just so afraid and I was used to how great we were. Like I know people say this a lot, but no other women ever made me feel the way she does. I just wanted to make mention of one last thing and was curious what anyone had to say about it. Its a big factor to why I am so insecure and bothered by all this. Her Love Language is Quality Time. So I know she likes to be interacting with someone, she has with me the entire 4 months we been together besides the last 2 weeks. Honestly just to clarify it isnt even the fact that is what her Love Language is, its just how I know how she spent all her free time, cause she was always with me. Thats why because it came to a sudden halt, like it was not even gradual. It was literally like going 100mph then coming to a dead stop or crashing into a brick wall. Like it was all at once and all of a sudden.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

I appreciate what you said, and I honestly can see exactly what you said. I am just so afraid and I was used to how great we were. Like I know people say this a lot, but no other women ever made me feel the way she does. I just wanted to make mention of one last thing and was curious what anyone had to say about it. Its a big factor to why I am so insecure and bothered by all this. Her Love Language is Quality Time. So I know she likes to be interacting with someone, she has with me the entire 4 months we been together besides the last 2 weeks. Honestly just to clarify it isnt even the fact that is what her Love Language is, its just how I know how she spent all her free time, cause she was always with me. Thats why because it came to a sudden halt, like it was not even gradual. It was literally like going 100mph then coming to a dead stop or crashing into a brick wall. Like it was all at once and all of a sudden.

If her love language is quality time then spend more time together. Set up dates and communicate with one another.

Don’t keep creating issues and more chaos. If she doesn’t want to spend time with you then, again, you’ll have to decide whether this is fulfilling or something you want for yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

How likely that what is going on here is she is testing me and just trying to put me through a test of some sort?

Very unlikely. 

6 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

she said randomly how her sister was with over 350 guys during her days of being in school. I did not understand why she randomly brought it up, but then she also said she would probably have done the same thing if she was not in a relationship. So like what the heck does that even mean and why would she tell me that? Is that like a way of her telling me she wants to rack up higher numbers with random dudes?

Yes, she might indeed be signalling (in a very immature and misguided way) that she wants to be single and free to sleep with whomever she chooses. 

6 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

She told me that back in January she got approached by a random guy asking her to hook up which she told him no cause she was in a relationship

I don't know, OP. The more you write, the more it sounds like you're going to be a single man again soon. And that will probably be for the best. She sounds like she's compeltely second-guessing being in a relationship and wants to sow her wild oats. 

[MilesLeftToGo]

@basil67 @ExpatInItaly @glows @Wiseman2 So I was able to talk to her today in depth more. Finds out that she has been weird since Monday so drastically cause she started being friends with the one guy again who she stopped talking before when his friend made a joke about getting with her. So she has been befriending him and when she did not go to sleep on a call with me last night she told me she stayed up to like 4 am talking with him on a call. She told me they are going out tomorrow to downtown area to hang out. She told me she just wants me to trust her. Thats all she is saying, when I asked if I could see the messages cause she let me see them in the past, she said no this time. I asked why did she let me see them in the past was because she felt I trusted her some back then and she understood that I was insecure and wanted reassurance, but now she tells me no I can't see them at all cause she just knows I do not trust her at all. But she tells me nothing is going on and she isnt interested, but she just wants to hang out with a friend and wants me to trust her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

But she tells me nothing is going on and she isnt interested

I wouldn't buy that for a moment, OP. 

Unforuantely, there is nothing you can do. I think you might have to concede that this is coming to an end. 

[MilesLeftToGo]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't buy that for a moment, OP. 

Unforuantely, there is nothing you can do. I think you might have to concede that this is coming to an end. 

She said she wanted to talk to him that night instead of me was cause she was frustrated with me and did not want to talk to me, but like when me and her first started talking we stayed up that late, also I told her a guy will only do that if they are interested.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't stupid. She knows he is interested. She just happens to reciprocate his interest and is leaning towards him and further away from you. 

[glows]

32 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@basil67 @ExpatInItaly @glows @Wiseman2 So I was able to talk to her today in depth more. Finds out that she has been weird since Monday so drastically cause she started being friends with the one guy again who she stopped talking before when his friend made a joke about getting with her. So she has been befriending him and when she did not go to sleep on a call with me last night she told me she stayed up to like 4 am talking with him on a call. She told me they are going out tomorrow to downtown area to hang out. She told me she just wants me to trust her. Thats all she is saying, when I asked if I could see the messages cause she let me see them in the past, she said no this time. I asked why did she let me see them in the past was because she felt I trusted her some back then and she understood that I was insecure and wanted reassurance, but now she tells me no I can't see them at all cause she just knows I do not trust her at all. But she tells me nothing is going on and she isnt interested, but she just wants to hang out with a friend and wants me to trust her. 

Then this is the part where you trust your instincts and walk away.

A person who values her relationship wouldn’t be chatting at odd hours of the morning with another man or meeting up with the same man one on one.

I think she’s gaslighting you and twisting the situation to her favour. You might want to reflect on whether this is a woman you respect or whether this is someone you’d ever want in your life, be married to or have as the mother of your kids. You have more at stake here if you were thinking of settling down with her. If this was a casual relationship or fling over the course of a few months and not as invested I wouldn’t be mentioning the above.

[BaileyB]

49 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

she told me she stayed up to like 4 am talking with him on a call. She told me they are going out tomorrow to downtown area to hang out. She told me she just wants me to trust her.

She wants you to trust at her while she is going on a date and talking with another man until the wee hours of the morning?

I would hope that you have more self respect than to accept this.

[MilesLeftToGo]

@ExpatInItaly @glows @BaileyB I appreciate it all. You are all just reaffirming how I already feel. I am glad I came here. I am very curious though to know something else. 

I do not know if I mentioned her and my ages before, but if I said a different number I am sorry, I was just concerned and self concious of the age difference, so I am 32 and she is 24, that is a 8 year difference right? Would any of these reasonings or things she is doing be different if lets say I was 50 years old and she was 40 or if like she was 15 years old and I was 17?

I am just curious to know if our age gap or even just the actual ages itself change what behavior is acceptable or makes sense why someone would do what they are doing.

[BaileyB]

She is a college student. She is doing what college students do - 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

 I am 32 and she is 24, that is a 8 year difference right?

The distance and being in different life stages seems more of an influence here than an 8 year age gap..

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The distance and being in different life stages seems more of an influence here than an 8 year age gap..

Indeed, if a committed relationship with a woman who is willing to spend the majority of her free time with you is your goal - a long distance relationship with a college student is a very poor decision for you… unlikely to meet your needs OP. The distance, the fact that you are at different life stages, and your expectations/neediness are problems for sure. 

Edited March 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

3 hours ago, MilesLeftToGo said:

@ExpatInItaly @glows @BaileyB I appreciate it all. You are all just reaffirming how I already feel. I am glad I came here. I am very curious though to know something else. 

I do not know if I mentioned her and my ages before, but if I said a different number I am sorry, I was just concerned and self concious of the age difference, so I am 32 and she is 24, that is a 8 year difference right? Would any of these reasonings or things she is doing be different if lets say I was 50 years old and she was 40 or if like she was 15 years old and I was 17?

I am just curious to know if our age gap or even just the actual ages itself change what behavior is acceptable or makes sense why someone would do what they are doing.

I had some idea from the content of your posts what your ages were. Understand your own needs and date someone more similar to you. 

There’s a strong likelihood she would also want to be around others her age in their mid-20s. It’s healthy for her to be making friends. 

Do her parents know about you? Is it important to be from the same cultural background?