Issue with my parents - effecting current relationship

[Lucky Phil]

Hi All,

I have the following situation. I am British citizen but have moved to Spain. I have a girlfriend here who is a doctor. I also have a 4 year old son here with my ex. I am currently working from home and have a good job in England.

From childhood I have never had a bond with my mother. She is a hoarder and I hated how the house was growing up. She has extremely low self esteem and unfortunately I had this when I was younger as well. This is not my view, I have discussed this issue with my uncle (her brother) and he says she was the same as a child. She does not exhibit the normal behaviour of an adult and basically I never want to see her again

I tried to talk about this with my girlfriend yesterday but it lead to me feeling worse off than I did and us arguing. When my mother dies, I have no intention of attending her funeral but my girlfriend likes to debate this with me and says that I don’t know this for sure. I have no intention of introducing my son to his paternal grandparents. Again she was debating this saying when he is 18, he can decide this for himself. My girlfriend says I should take the option to speak to her now as I will regret it when she is dead. I disagree with this completely

I find this to be a very difficult situation to discuss. My girlfriend is Peruvian and from a very close family. She calls her parents very often and you can tell there is love between them. I see calling my parents (my father) as a chore and I keep putting it off. I barely speak to my mother even when I was living there other than “hello, thanks, see you later”

I am due to return to the UK in about a week. My girlfriend says I should sit down with them and tell them how I feel about this. I see this as a total waste of time as neither of them has the emotional intelligence to process this.

I love my girlfriend very much but it really hurts me to talk about this. Now I am out of the UK, I feel it is best to distance myself from my parents. I do not go to them when I need advice as I know they have none to give.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

Phil

[FMW]

Tell your girlfriend, firmly, that you do not wish to talk about this issue any further.  While I understand, generally, her sentiment of not wanting to regret missed opportunities, sometimes we need to distance ourselves from people who have brought us so much unhappiness.  It's unfortunate she is unable to see past her own experience and situation and be sympathetic to yours.  

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Lucky Phil said:

 My girlfriend says I should........... 

How long have you been dating? Your family dynamics are none of your GFs business so stop arguing with her about it.

Take care of yourself and your child and focus on a good parenting relationship with your child's mother.

You can disconnect from any family member you wish, if you find their mental health, lifestyle,etc. too unhealthy for you or your child.

Stop discussing it with this GF. It's that simple. Your GF needs to stop directing traffic and playing psychologist.

 

[glows]

5 hours ago, Lucky Phil said:

Hi All,

I have the following situation. I am British citizen but have moved to Spain. I have a girlfriend here who is a doctor. I also have a 4 year old son here with my ex. I am currently working from home and have a good job in England.

From childhood I have never had a bond with my mother. She is a hoarder and I hated how the house was growing up. She has extremely low self esteem and unfortunately I had this when I was younger as well. This is not my view, I have discussed this issue with my uncle (her brother) and he says she was the same as a child. She does not exhibit the normal behaviour of an adult and basically I never want to see her again

I tried to talk about this with my girlfriend yesterday but it lead to me feeling worse off than I did and us arguing. When my mother dies, I have no intention of attending her funeral but my girlfriend likes to debate this with me and says that I don’t know this for sure. I have no intention of introducing my son to his paternal grandparents. Again she was debating this saying when he is 18, he can decide this for himself. My girlfriend says I should take the option to speak to her now as I will regret it when she is dead. I disagree with this completely

I find this to be a very difficult situation to discuss. My girlfriend is Peruvian and from a very close family. She calls her parents very often and you can tell there is love between them. I see calling my parents (my father) as a chore and I keep putting it off. I barely speak to my mother even when I was living there other than “hello, thanks, see you later”

I am due to return to the UK in about a week. My girlfriend says I should sit down with them and tell them how I feel about this. I see this as a total waste of time as neither of them has the emotional intelligence to process this.

I love my girlfriend very much but it really hurts me to talk about this. Now I am out of the UK, I feel it is best to distance myself from my parents. I do not go to them when I need advice as I know they have none to give.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

Phil

Sort this out on your own. Thank your girlfriend for her concern and change the subject. The issue I think is your girlfriend senses that this problem with your parents is distracting and bothering you. She’s jumping into a “fix it” or helper mode and it’s not uncommon considering her profession as a doctor. You need to do a better job enforcing those boundaries and letting her know her fixing isn’t required but her concern is appreciated. Bond together on other things. 

It’s painful dealing with mental illness of a loved one, especially if it involves your mother. I’d seek support and counselling. Don’t lean on your girlfriend. She will be biased. Find a third party professional for counselling and support. 

[Ha-ha]

A typical cultural clash. It’s very hard for some cultures (mine included) to sever ties with family. Unthinkable. Almost everyone in my culture prefer to accept abuse from toxic family than sever ties.  
 

I agree withh the other posters: tell your GF you don’t wish to talk about it and hope she would understand where you’re coming from. If not, she needs to accept it as it’s none of her business how you deal with your family.  Tell her her family and yours are different and if she can’t accept it and let it go, you have a decision to make.

I know it sounds harsh but if she loves you as you love her, she should accept what YOU think is good for you and not what  SHE thinks is the right thing to do (based on her loving family that is nothing like yours).  I would not want to be with a person who is not on my corner like that but that’s me.
 

Good  luck OP!

Edited March 8, 2022 by Ha-ha

[ShyViolet]

Why are you even engaging in these arguments with your GF?  Honestly, she is out of line, and your relationship with your parents is none of her business.  It's certainly none of her business whether your son should see his grandparents or not, this is not even HER son.  Tell her firmly that you are not discussing this with her.  Do what you feel you need to do.  I completely relate to you, I have a father who I rarely talk to because he was abusive to me growing up.  And I would not tolerate someone arguing with me about that.