Treading New Waters: International Dating

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

Hello Everyone,

I searched and could not find a general thread where you can ask your own questions regarding international dating, and so I started this one. If anyone wants feedback or advice, ask away. I will start the thread off with my own situation.

I met and fell in love with a woman from Peru on an online dating website. The main form of communication has been texting, and voice chats. We have have also video chatted numerous times. The past weeks have been blissful and I have not felt this way since I can remember. I could not find any red flags. We are serious about each other and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yesterday in a cute an playful way she asked for dinner via an app. I obliged but felt conflicted. The reason is I started online dating this year and I was bombarded with women asking me for money, romance scams, etc. I gathered quickly in online dating most women did not care about me, only what I can provide. She has never asked me for money before. We have what I believe is a genuine and sincere connection. We are also officially together. My initial reaction was that I was quite devastated which I hid from her. I do think it was a sincere and innocent request similar to what would occur if we were in person and I would buy her dinner when she is hungry. 

She has a great job and works hard. I feel I made the right move to just hold my reaction close to my chest without letting her know. To give you all some background I was taken advantage of in the past regarding finances. However in the past I made much less and was shamed for not being able to provide more. Now I am in a much better position. I think the reaction may have been more about my own past pain than where I am at now. I really like this girl, and I did my best to vet and discern her intentions. She not only passed, but passed with flying colors.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my scattered thoughts. I tried to organize them into some coherent form. Also happy Women's Day!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

she asked for dinner via an app. I obliged but felt conflicted. The reason is I started online dating this year and I was bombarded with women asking me for money, romance scams, etc.

How far apart are you? Who contacted whom and why this distance? Unfortunately sending money/goods this early on is of course a red flag. Just say no. 

[Haydn]

Dinner, lunch, an expensive teapot, complicated but expensive accessories for her new 'Hair station' 

It could be endless. Her kids private school fees... Her Aunts simple but outlandishly, costly dimple reduction operation...

Come on... Meet her before you splash the cash.

Seriously buy a plane ticket and meet her, could all come up roses.

[smackie9]

I would say no. It's the fact she asked for dinner instead of waiting for you to offer. I agree invest in a plane ticket and meet. 

[glows]

You’re living worlds apart in different countries. Are you saying she asked you for money to eat? This makes no sense. Are you sure she wasn’t joking? 

I’d say date locally but you may be upset. So see her in person and take her out to dinner in person. If odd requests keep coming up move on to another match. 

[Ami1uwant]

I think you need advice here.  
 

this is a fantasy vs reality. Will you ever meet? Thrn there are immigration rules too.

[Johnjohnson2017]

Go meet her in person. See how she is really like. Meet her family/surroundings.

if you do decide to eventually bring her to your location (marriage/visa etc), you are expected to be the provider. You will bear all the financial responsibility.

If you live together, you will also be expected to send money to her family back to her home country. That's the reality of it. You will be supporting her as well as her family. 

If you are not willing to do that, then this is not for you. Find someone locally who already can support herself.

 

[Allupinnit]

How long have you been communicating with this person?  Were you catfished before, when you say you were taken advantage of financially?  Do you typically meet foreign women online?  When do you plan to actually meet?

 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

She has a great job and works hard. I feel I made the right move to just hold my reaction close to my chest without letting her know. To give you all some background I was taken advantage of in the past regarding finances. However in the past I made much less and was shamed for not being able to provide more. Now I am in a much better position. I think the reaction may have been more about my own past pain than where I am at now. I really like this girl, and I did my best to vet and discern her intentions. She not only passed, but passed with flying colors.

I'm suspicious by nature and it seems like she just waited a little longer to start asking you for money. The best scam artists are the ones who do a great job of reeling you in before they start exploiting you. If anyone ever asks me for a penny, that's the end of the conversation for me. If you really think she's the real deal, tell her you do not want to participate in any exchanging of funds and you'll never ask her for a penny, either. Stick to your guns. Don't send money, and you'll find out soon enough whether she's the real deal.

Also, make plans to visit her in person. That'll also be a good way to determine how real this is.

[Ami1uwant]

There is a thread involving long distance relationships.  Since you have not met face to face in real life, this isn’t a relationship.

 

there is a big economic difference between USA and Peru.

 

my ex gf was from Peru but all ready immigrated/ got citizenship before I met her. All her immediate family was in the USA locally to her. She had an aunt in New Jersey. The rest of her farther relatives were mostly in Peru as was the father of her daughter.  Her daughters dad would be considered a dead beat without factoring in the big economicdifferences.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you? Who contacted whom and why this distance? Unfortunately sending money/goods this early on is of course a red flag. Just say no. 

I live in NJ in the US, and she in Lima, Peru. We met on a dating site. I reached out first, and pursued her. She was the tentative one. I ended up liking her more than I thought I would. She was the smart one saying how it is too fast and we need time.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

3 hours ago, Haydn said:

Dinner, lunch, an expensive teapot, complicated but expensive accessories for her new 'Hair station' 

It could be endless. Her kids private school fees... Her Aunts simple but outlandishly, costly dimple reduction operation...

Come on... Meet her before you splash the cash.

Seriously buy a plane ticket and meet her, could all come up roses.

I have purchased a ticket to fly out mid April to surprise her. I understand where you are coming from because I shared the same concerns. I did my best to find out, and so far I have not found anything deal breaking.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I would say no. It's the fact she asked for dinner instead of waiting for you to offer. I agree invest in a plane ticket and meet. 

Honestly that exact thought occurred in my head. I wouldn't have mind offering, and it should have been me who offered. The cost of the dinner is not what bothered me. I will meet her mid April. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens until then and after the trip.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You’re living worlds apart in different countries. Are you saying she asked you for money to eat? This makes no sense. Are you sure she wasn’t joking? 

I’d say date locally but you may be upset. So see her in person and take her out to dinner in person. If odd requests keep coming up move on to another match. 

The way she asked was a joking and flirty way. It was not an outright request where if I did not oblige she would have no food or anything like that. I will meet her in person mid April. I hope everything will work out. I have a feeling by then I will understand much more.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I think you need advice here.  
 

this is a fantasy vs reality. Will you ever meet? Thrn there are immigration rules too.

We will meet in person mid April. I agree there is a lot of rules that we are both privy to. We have had talks about these subjects before.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

2 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Go meet her in person. See how she is really like. Meet her family/surroundings.

if you do decide to eventually bring her to your location (marriage/visa etc), you are expected to be the provider. You will bear all the financial responsibility.

If you live together, you will also be expected to send money to her family back to her home country. That's the reality of it. You will be supporting her as well as her family. 

If you are not willing to do that, then this is not for you. Find someone locally who already can support herself.

 

I agree on the fact that I would be the sole provider. But why would I be sending money back to her home country? She is single with no children. Can you elaborate?

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

How long have you been communicating with this person?  Were you catfished before, when you say you were taken advantage of financially?  Do you typically meet foreign women online?  When do you plan to actually meet?

 

We have been talking for a few weeks now. I was never catfished before. When I was taken advantage of financially it was when I was dating locally. I was in a long term relationship back then. This is the first woman I have involved myself with internationally. For me it is unexplored waters. I have a flight booked to meet her mid April. It will be a surprise. Peru has time off the day after I land in. So we will celebrate a holiday together when we meet in person for the first time. 

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

49 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'm suspicious by nature and it seems like she just waited a little longer to start asking you for money. The best scam artists are the ones who do a great job of reeling you in before they start exploiting you. If anyone ever asks me for a penny, that's the end of the conversation for me. If you really think she's the real deal, tell her you do not want to participate in any exchanging of funds and you'll never ask her for a penny, either. Stick to your guns. Don't send money, and you'll find out soon enough whether she's the real deal.

Also, make plans to visit her in person. That'll also be a good way to determine how real this is.

I had a rule when starting online dating that if I was asked for money, that is it. You could be right about her waiting. I don't believe she is. If so she is the greatest actress I have ever seen. I believe in her and I believe she is sincere. I hope I am right.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

50 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There is a thread involving long distance relationships.  Since you have not met face to face in real life, this isn’t a relationship.

 

there is a big economic difference between USA and Peru.

 

my ex gf was from Peru but all ready immigrated/ got citizenship before I met her. All her immediate family was in the USA locally to her. She had an aunt in New Jersey. The rest of her farther relatives were mostly in Peru as was the father of her daughter.  Her daughters dad would be considered a dead beat without factoring in the big economicdifferences.

It is a harsh but fair point. I guess it is not real until we meet. Is that how it is viewed in Peru? And there is a big economic difference. Your situation is closer to the ideal one. My girlfriend has tried to get a tourist visa to the US and has been denied. She obviously wants to come to the USA. She has made no secret of that. I feel we have been honest with each other thus far. I never sensed or perceived anything odd with her like I did with the women trying to scam me. I have found myself in love though which can always lead to trouble if one is not careful.

[Allupinnit]

27 minutes ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

We have been talking for a few weeks now. I was never catfished before. When I was taken advantage of financially it was when I was dating locally. I was in a long term relationship back then. This is the first woman I have involved myself with internationally. For me it is unexplored waters. I have a flight booked to meet her mid April. It will be a surprise. Peru has time off the day after I land in. So we will celebrate a holiday together when we meet in person for the first time. 

So it's only been a few weeks and you haven't met in person.  This isn't love, you love how it feels to have someone interested in you and the possibilities.  But you don't know this person at all.  

Are you sure she will be ok with a "surprise" meet?  What if she's got stuff going on, and can't take time off?  Do you know where you'll stay?  You may find that nothing is as you imagined when you finally meet in person.

There is another long-term poster here who met a woman in the Philippines and made her his gf, I'm not sure if he actually brought her over yet.  Maybe someone can help me remember the name?  He recalled that as a white man he got treated like royalty in the Philippines and I know that was part of the appeal for him.

 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

There is another long-term poster here who met a woman in the Philippines and made her his gf, I'm not sure if he actually brought her over yet.  Maybe someone can help me remember the name?  He recalled that as a white man he got treated like royalty in the Philippines and I know that was part of the appeal for him.

That poster was @enigma32, I believe he has deactivated his account.

Edited March 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Haydn]

I think a surprise is nice BUT possibly let her know? You could be blown away on two different levels.

1, It could be everything you hoped for. A never ending cascade of  Ceviche, romantic and memorable evenings at Huayna Picchu. A warm and embracing family, a new glut of instant friends. All clad in Lliclla.

 

Or

 

2, It could be a slight mess.

 

Let her know.

I wish you luck.
 

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

So it's only been a few weeks and you haven't met in person.  This isn't love, you love how it feels to have someone interested in you and the possibilities.  But you don't know this person at all.  

Are you sure she will be ok with a "surprise" meet?  What if she's got stuff going on, and can't take time off?  Do you know where you'll stay?  You may find that nothing is as you imagined when you finally meet in person.

There is another long-term poster here who met a woman in the Philippines and made her his gf, I'm not sure if he actually brought her over yet.  Maybe someone can help me remember the name?  He recalled that as a white man he got treated like royalty in the Philippines and I know that was part of the appeal for him.

 

Perhaps it is not love in your opinion, and I do not care very much to put it into words. But if I had to describe it I would say that my heart stirs for her in a way that I have not felt in over a decade, and this feeling is overflowing. I only know that I am elated to feel this. I know I do not know them very well, but I want to.

She is ok with a surprise meet. I made sure of that in conversation. Nonchalantly I asked what if I came to surprise you and showed up at your door? She answered something along the lines of jumping into my arms. I will ask her beforehand to allot the time to an internet date between us, whereas the reality is it will be a real date. I will stay alone in a hotel in the same city. You are right that nothing may be as I imagine, but I aim to find out for certain.

I do not care how I am perceived in Peru. I would rather keep a low profile and just spend time with her. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

1 hour ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

I agree on the fact that I would be the sole provider. But why would I be sending money back to her home country? She is single with no children. Can you elaborate?

Does she have living parents? She could still try to support her parents living in Peru.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

13 minutes ago, Haydn said:

I think a surprise is nice BUT possibly let her know? You could be blown away on two different levels.

1, It could be everything you hoped for. A never ending cascade of  Ceviche, romantic and memorable evenings at Huayna Picchu. A warm and embracing family, a new glut of instant friends. All clad in Lliclla.

 

Or

 

2, It could be a slight mess.

 

Let her know.

I wish you luck.
 

I understand. I am not going to take a flight for thousands of miles without preparing accordingly. I am going to make plans with her for the same time frame. She will think it will be a virtual date, while it will end up being an in person date. I am hoping that it works out smoothly.

Edited March 8, 2022 by InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel