Treading New Waters: International Dating

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

1 minute ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Does she have living parents? She could still try to support her parents living in Peru.

Her parents are divorced and she lives with one that is retired. The other lives in Spain. I have not heard of her supporting the one she lives with at any capacity. But this would be an important detail to find out.

[Trail Blazer]

I see nothing but pain and heartache here.  If you can change my mind I'll be ecstatic for you.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

 I am going to make plans with her for the same time frame. She will think it will be a virtual date, while it will end up being an in person date. 

Yes you need to tell her in advance. Popping up unannounced may seem romantic to you but it's unkind to do that to anyone. It's not a good way to research if she's for real.

[chillii]

Yeah fully agree, you should talk to her first about coming op, plan it together.

Even as a male we'd want to have time to get everything ready but if all is legit as a woman it'd be really important to her to want to prepare and be ready and for it all to be very special.  As for feelings yeah l know they can be very real but it's also obvious your well aware to that they could also go either way to when you do actually meet sooo. Tis the gamble we take l suppose and if that's ok with you then knock yourself out hope it's even better in reality and good luck l say.

[Goodguy05]

8 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

Hello Everyone,

I searched and could not find a general thread where you can ask your own questions regarding international dating, and so I started this one. If anyone wants feedback or advice, ask away. I will start the thread off with my own situation.

I met and fell in love with a woman from Peru on an online dating website. The main form of communication has been texting, and voice chats. We have have also video chatted numerous times. The past weeks have been blissful and I have not felt this way since I can remember. I could not find any red flags. We are serious about each other and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yesterday in a cute an playful way she asked for dinner via an app. I obliged but felt conflicted. The reason is I started online dating this year and I was bombarded with women asking me for money, romance scams, etc. I gathered quickly in online dating most women did not care about me, only what I can provide. She has never asked me for money before. We have what I believe is a genuine and sincere connection. We are also officially together. My initial reaction was that I was quite devastated which I hid from her. I do think it was a sincere and innocent request similar to what would occur if we were in person and I would buy her dinner when she is hungry. 

She has a great job and works hard. I feel I made the right move to just hold my reaction close to my chest without letting her know. To give you all some background I was taken advantage of in the past regarding finances. However in the past I made much less and was shamed for not being able to provide more. Now I am in a much better position. I think the reaction may have been more about my own past pain than where I am at now. I really like this girl, and I did my best to vet and discern her intentions. She not only passed, but passed with flying colors.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my scattered thoughts. I tried to organize them into some coherent form. Also happy Women's Day!

Yep red flag.. anytime anything is asked of you especially money. Your gut was right in this instance and was trying to warn you listen to your gut. That kinda distance too is a no go mate. 

[salparadise]

One tactic that is well known is to start with a small ask. People are many times more likely to comply with a larger ask after they've been initiated with a small one. So beware of another request, and if that happens, decline and see how she reacts.

I hope this turns out to be all that you hope, but like @Trail Blazer and others, I'm skeptical and hope you will be as well. Romance scamming is big business and this is exactly how it works. And do tell her that you're planning to come for a visit. If she's legitimate it will be good news. 

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

It is a harsh but fair point. I guess it is not real until we meet. Is that how it is viewed in Peru? And there is a big economic difference. Your situation is closer to the ideal one. My girlfriend has tried to get a tourist visa to the US and has been denied. She obviously wants to come to the USA. She has made no secret of that. I feel we have been honest with each other thus far. I never sensed or perceived anything odd with her like I did with the women trying to scam me. I have found myself in love though which can always lead to trouble if one is not careful.

She couldn’t get a tourist visa is a big red flag here. She might be using you to get into the USA.

experience…it doesn’t matter hope it is until you meet face to face and are interacting with each other in person.

 

thrn you have language/ culture barrier.  My ex gf understood American culture and norms.  With her libpving overseas there will be major adjustments.

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

Her parents are divorced and she lives with one that is retired. The other lives in Spain. I have not heard of her supporting the one she lives with at any capacity. But this would be an important detail to find out.

That’s part of the culture…caring for elderly parents.  The culture is different

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I see nothing but pain and heartache here.  If you can change my mind I'll be ecstatic for you.

Thank you for your honesty. I hope it will prove to be the latter.

[glows]

6 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

I understand. I am not going to take a flight for thousands of miles without preparing accordingly. I am going to make plans with her for the same time frame. She will think it will be a virtual date, while it will end up being an in person date. I am hoping that it works out smoothly.

That’s interesting. Is this intended to be romantic? I’d be interested to know how it goes.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes you need to tell her in advance. Popping up unannounced may seem romantic to you but it's unkind to do that to anyone. It's not a good way to research if she's for real.

I understand. I know I sound like a naïve fool. I am. There is no denying that. My intent to go is not to research. It will happen obviously. But I feel like I have something genuine before me. I dare not hesitate in case it is true love.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah fully agree, you should talk to her first about coming op, plan it together.

Even as a male we'd want to have time to get everything ready but if all is legit as a woman it'd be really important to her to want to prepare and be ready and for it all to be very special.  As for feelings yeah l know they can be very real but it's also obvious your well aware to that they could also go either way to when you do actually meet sooo. Tis the gamble we take l suppose and if that's ok with you then knock yourself out hope it's even better in reality and good luck l say.

I planned it out so that the evening I surprise her, I will just be there for an hour or so. I want to introduce myself to her father, and give my gifts. Then I will return to the hotel. The following day we will spend time together.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

3 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Yep red flag.. anytime anything is asked of you especially money. Your gut was right in this instance and was trying to warn you listen to your gut. That kinda distance too is a no go mate. 

Yeah. This is what I am afraid of. I am a big believer of gut instinct. And I think there is a good reason I felt what I did. I am going to proceed cautiously as best as I can. It was just this was the first negative thing to happen. And I know nothing is perfect. No relationship or person is perfect. It just sucks because this was the one thing I did not want to feel conflicted about.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

One tactic that is well known is to start with a small ask. People are many times more likely to comply with a larger ask after they've been initiated with a small one. So beware of another request, and if that happens, decline and see how she reacts.

I hope this turns out to be all that you hope, but like @Trail Blazer and others, I'm skeptical and hope you will be as well. Romance scamming is big business and this is exactly how it works. And do tell her that you're planning to come for a visit. If she's legitimate it will be good news. 

Thank you for your input. I will be wary of another request. I hate romance scamming. Everyone is saying to tell her I am coming. It is probably for the best, as much as I want to surprise her. I guess the first visit also warrants it. I will reflect on it. The more I think about it the more it seems like the mature way to go about it.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

54 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

She couldn’t get a tourist visa is a big red flag here. She might be using you to get into the USA.

experience…it doesn’t matter hope it is until you meet face to face and are interacting with each other in person.

 

thrn you have language/ culture barrier.  My ex gf understood American culture and norms.  With her libpving overseas there will be major adjustments.

 

 

 

That is another one of my fears. That if we married things would change for the worst. She has lived in the US before and worked here. She also got a degree here. She speaks English very well. It is one of the reasons why we could have deep conversations.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

54 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

That’s part of the culture…caring for elderly parents.  The culture is different

My heritage is Polish and we have the same exact belief in our culture. It is a child's duty to care for their parents. I have actually mentioned this to her on more than one occasion. She never brought up supporting her parents. I feel she would have agreed and shared if that was her plan. 

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s interesting. Is this intended to be romantic? I’d be interested to know how it goes.

I hope so. I thought it would be romantic. I wouldn't arrive empty handed for her family too. And the first night I would basically just introduce myself and return to the hotel so I do not impose. I will keep the thread updated after it happens. I hope it all goes well.

[LynneVicious]

33 minutes ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

Yeah. This is what I am afraid of. I am a big believer of gut instinct. And I think there is a good reason I felt what I did. I am going to proceed cautiously as best as I can. It was just this was the first negative thing to happen. And I know nothing is perfect. No relationship or person is perfect. It just sucks because this was the one thing I did not want to feel conflicted about.

“It was the first negative thing to happen”

you’re looking at this all wrong. There shouldn’t be any negatives this early on in a healthy relationship. And it’s not a relationship because you don’t know her. Chatting and texting does not substitute spending time together in person - to see their reactions, behavior changes and other nuances. 

You’re moving g way too fast. She lives in Peru while you’re in the US. You should honestly scale this wayyyyy back until you meet in person. And then if that works out, there’s still the logistics of gapping the distance and  that’s a whole other can of worms. 

So many situations like this crash and burn because you get over invested with all the texting and chatting, but meeting in person is entirely different. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

I hope so. I thought it would be romantic. I wouldn't arrive empty handed for her family too. And the first night I would basically just introduce myself and return to the hotel so I do not impose. I will keep the thread updated after it happens. I hope it all goes well.

If you have much cash to splash 💦 then proceed. In all seriousness she seems delighted in wanting to meet with you but it would be presumptuous assuming that she’s free the next day, the holiday. I see that this could go either way but the only real investment is the cost flying back and forth, accommodations and ongoing potential cost of this romance. In the end you might have instead spent the money on hiring a matchmaker in your locale or hiring someone to screen matches for you or on several paid dating apps designed to find life long relationships. 

I find it hard to believe you have any emotional investment in this but it seems like you really do care or would be hurt if this doesn’t turn out well. If you can put that kind of deep emotional investment aside and treat this as a meet and greet and be fine with flying home with no expectations I think that would be much more ideal. 

Either way or whichever you choose I hope it goes well. 

[chillii]

As far as visa's or money, scamming, l hear the starting small but the way you described that meal thing, it could've also had been nothing. Obviously all things you'll be sussing out better meantime to l'd imagine though.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

10 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

“It was the first negative thing to happen”

you’re looking at this all wrong. There shouldn’t be any negatives this early on in a healthy relationship. And it’s not a relationship because you don’t know her. Chatting and texting does not substitute spending time together in person - to see their reactions, behavior changes and other nuances. 

You’re moving g way too fast. She lives in Peru while you’re in the US. You should honestly scale this wayyyyy back until you meet in person. And then if that works out, there’s still the logistics of gapping the distance and  that’s a whole other can of worms. 

So many situations like this crash and burn because you get over invested with all the texting and chatting, but meeting in person is entirely different. 

You are right that being in person is when it is the real deal. I know I am moving fast. But I am solely responsible for that. She was the hesitant and reserved one. I just liked her so much that there was no doubt in my mind I wanted to be with her. Just to clarify I am taking time to enjoy everything. We consider ourselves exclusive and I trust her. 

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

9 hours ago, glows said:

If you have much cash to splash 💦 then proceed. In all seriousness she seems delighted in wanting to meet with you but it would be presumptuous assuming that she’s free the next day, the holiday. I see that this could go either way but the only real investment is the cost flying back and forth, accommodations and ongoing potential cost of this romance. In the end you might have instead spent the money on hiring a matchmaker in your locale or hiring someone to screen matches for you or on several paid dating apps designed to find life long relationships. 

I find it hard to believe you have any emotional investment in this but it seems like you really do care or would be hurt if this doesn’t turn out well. If you can put that kind of deep emotional investment aside and treat this as a meet and greet and be fine with flying home with no expectations I think that would be much more ideal. 

Either way or whichever you choose I hope it goes well. 

Yes I will do the prep work to see if she can dedicate the two days & weekend virtually. That conversation is going to be a weird one ahaha. If for any reason I see that an issue will arise I will just tell her. But I really want to surprise her like her and I spoke about. I know it can go either way, and I am prepared for that. I simply want to give this my best shot. I have never been so reckless before in my life, but for this woman I will risk it. I want to see this through to the end.

[InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel]

9 hours ago, chillii said:

As far as visa's or money, scamming, l hear the starting small but the way you described that meal thing, it could've also had been nothing. Obviously all things you'll be sussing out better meantime to l'd imagine though.

Yeah. I am hoping it was more of a boyfriend taking care of girlfriend exchange that would normally occur in person. When she asked it wasn't a cold request. It was a playful, joking, and flirty type of conversation. Time will tell.

[Allupinnit]

I hate to ask but it seems more common than not that these relationships start out with camming first then the bigger financial asks start down the road.  

Have you ever seen 90 Day Fiance?  Most of the couples start this way; man gets all smitten with a woman in a foreign country WAY out of his league looks-wise where she gives it a shot because she thinks she wants a piece of the American Dream.

Then said couple finally meets in person and everything royally falls apart because as individuals they are polar opposites and the entire thing was transactional at best and not based on any real selfless love on either part.

You say she's lived here before, was denied a visa, and now you come on the scene and you're willing to go to great lengths to be with your "Peruvian Angel."  You're being taken for a ride, friend.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, InLoveWithAPeruvianAngel said:

I really want to surprise her like her and I spoke about. 

This is a mistake. You're deceiving her by pretending it's a virtual "date". If you respect her, tell her the truth that you are going in person.