Gratitude

[Ashes84]

Does anyone else ever feel that it was in the end a good thing?

I had an A we were both married - she was my first love and I'd missed her for over 20 years. I found her and we met up. The A lasted 2 years and in the end became very painful and difficult. It had to end because two young families were involved both hundreds of miles away.

Still there was real love and always had been. From my perspective today - over a decade later - it feels like one of the most important events of my life. I struggle to say I regret it despite the pain then and the ache now. 

I regret that it happened the way it did but I felt I had to see her and I think I might have been right,

[glows]

Are you still communicating? Pain is inevitable in life. Sometimes we reminisce but move forward and experience new things.

[Ashes84]

No communication really for over 10 years. There was a bit of FB post liking maybe 6 years ago but basically we ended it after some very long talks a decade ago and have not talked since. I'd like to talk again but feel it would be upsetting to everyone. Ideally we'd have connected as "friends" but it got out of hand within a couple of hours.

And yes pain is part of life. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Ashes84 said:

No communication really for over 10 years. There was a bit of FB post liking maybe 6 years ago but basically we ended it after some very long talks a decade ago and have not talked since. I'd like to talk again but feel it would be upsetting to everyone. Ideally we'd have connected as "friends" but it got out of hand within a couple of hours.

And yes pain is part of life. 

Then it’s for the best. Treat the memories as fond ones but in the past. I’d reflect if the taboo nature of your thoughts is causing you to hang on. You’re doing something counterproductive if you’re constantly feeling guilt. 

Have you tried counselling?

[Ashes84]

No I'm not feeling too much guilt tbh. I still miss her sometimes, like now, but then I always have. It can sneak up on me after many months and the heartache is there for days - but it was ever thus! I think it was just one of those where I had to see her because I missed her, I did see her, and now I still miss her.

I've tried therapy and it was very helpful - but some people just really get to you. 

[pepperbird2]

If you can't keep away former for yourself, maybe you can do it for the people who have no say in the matter and will just be brought along for the ride. ( I'm not being sarcastic)

[Ashes84]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

If you can't keep away former for yourself, maybe you can do it for the people who have no say in the matter and will just be brought along for the ride. ( I'm not being sarcastic)

I can keep away

[glows]

2 hours ago, Ashes84 said:

No I'm not feeling too much guilt tbh. I still miss her sometimes, like now, but then I always have. It can sneak up on me after many months and the heartache is there for days - but it was ever thus! I think it was just one of those where I had to see her because I missed her, I did see her, and now I still miss her.

I've tried therapy and it was very helpful - but some people just really get to you. 

I’m a firm believer that we are what we attract so if you’re feeling still pulled towards an unavailable person, something is very off in your personal life as you may be unhappy or unwilling to admit you’re unhappy with yourself. The truth is if either of you were contented or feeling well in your personal lives, this affair wouldn’t have happened. 

Go back to the real issues that may be plaguing you or bothering you, do a complete overhaul or polish the things about yourself that need work and cleaning up. Raise your self-esteem a little more and be proud of whatever you are or how far you’ve come. 

You already know that ruminating at length is just stalling. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Ashes84 said:

she was my first love and I'd missed her for over 20 years. I found her and we met up. The A lasted 2 years and in the end became very painful and difficult. It had to end because two young families were involved both hundreds of miles away. Still there was real love and always had been

Did your wife discover it? Who ended it? When you mention hundreds of miles away, do you mean you flew to meet each other? Were either of you going through midlife crisis or marital doldrums? Is it your carefree youth that you painfully miss?

[Ashes84]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did your wife discover it? Who ended it? When you mention hundreds of miles away, do you mean you flew to meet each other? Were either of you going through midlife crisis or marital doldrums? Is it your carefree youth that you painfully miss?

No one discovered it. Yes we flew. I think we were both in midlife crises quite honestly. My youth was far from carefree and she was the best thing in my youth. I think that was what made it so compelling.

[Ashes84]

I ended it in a way because I was clear I wasn't leaving my family but I dont think she would have either ultimately. The end was discussed and almost negotiated over several weeks

[Ashes84]

12 hours ago, glows said:

I’m a firm believer that we are what we attract so if you’re feeling still pulled towards an unavailable person, something is very off in your personal life as you may be unhappy or unwilling to admit you’re unhappy with yourself. The truth is if either of you were contented or feeling well in your personal lives, this affair wouldn’t have happened. 

Go back to the real issues that may be plaguing you or bothering you, do a complete overhaul or polish the things about yourself that need work and cleaning up. Raise your self-esteem a little more and be proud of whatever you are or how far you’ve come. 

You already know that ruminating at length is just stalling. 

You make some good points. In my case I  really dont miss the A. The relationship I miss is the original one when I was 16!

I had a pretty traumatic childhood and, in some ways meeting her, an older girl, really helped me and we had a very deep connection. It felt like being lifted up out of the mud.

The A was at a point where I was in a crisis and tbh I'd suffered depression for most of my adult life. Since the A I haven't felt depressed again - I've been able to go on and be a lot happier. I think whats happened recently is that my kids have left home, I've spent far too much time in lockdown and I've started to yearn for her again. It's not the answer I know - the problem in many ways is that at two important junctures in my life she has really helped me. I think she's probably done enough!

If I could have found a way of having a friendship with her without an A that would have been great but it wasnt possible. Within an hour of meeting, after 20 odd years the A had started. 

[glows]

30 minutes ago, Ashes84 said:

You make some good points. In my case I  really dont miss the A. The relationship I miss is the original one when I was 16!

I had a pretty traumatic childhood and, in some ways meeting her, an older girl, really helped me and we had a very deep connection. It felt like being lifted up out of the mud.

The A was at a point where I was in a crisis and tbh I'd suffered depression for most of my adult life. Since the A I haven't felt depressed again - I've been able to go on and be a lot happier. I think whats ihappened recently is that my kids have left home, I've spent far too much time in lockdown and I've started to yearn for her again. It's not the answer I know - the problem in many ways is that at two important junctures in my life she has really helped me. I think she's probably done enough!

If I could have found a way of having a friendship with her without an A that would have been great but it wasnt possible. Within an hour of meeting, after 20 odd years the A had started. 

Have you seen anyone about the depression or general malaise? Or the traumatic childhood? There seems like a lot to unpack and figure out. If I’m understanding correctly you appear to crave or miss that period when you were 16 when she helped you so by seeking her out you’re reliving that age again.

Having the kids leave the house and feeling some loss or shift it’s comforting to go back to that time and again relive that period when you felt relief from trauma.

Do you mind me asking where’s your wife? Is she in the marriage or checked out? Do you speak with one another? 

Edited March 9, 2022 by glows

[Ashes84]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

Have you seen anyone about the depression or general malaise? Or the traumatic childhood? There seems like a lot to unpack and figure out. If I’m understanding correctly you appear to crave or miss that period when you were 16 when she helped you so by seeking her out you’re reliving that age again.

Having the kids leave the house and feeling some loss or shift it’s comforting to go back to that time and again relive that period when you felt relief from trauma.

Do you mind me asking where’s your wife? Is she in the marriage or checked out? Do you speak with one another? 

Yes I think that's what's happened. Its not really a loop though it was only one reconnect. But yes I do think that I see her as a sort of godess that can bestow magical happiness, a sort of unconditional love. It's not real I know but it's a bond that mixes the experience of first love with the experience of being saved from trauma. I think that explains the power of the fantasy.

My wife is not checked out, our marriage good  and we do talk. We love each other. I have had therapy for many years but not for 8 years now.

I reached out yesterday to a friend from my teenage years who knew us both then. He was in the same year as her (like a big bro to me). We had an excellent talk about nostalgia and the struggles we went through. Was like talking to her (in that he really understood) but safer and healthier.

I think tbh I'm having a second midlife crisis, but this time pre-warned and wiser. I'm considering going back into therapy.  

[Bittersweetie]

In the aftermath of my A, I worked a lot on being a more authentic, honest person with much healthier coping skills. 100% I'm more content with my life now than I was before or during the affair. However, I wish with everything I have that I could have gotten to this point without the pain I caused my husband. I do think that some of your gratitude feelings in regards to your affair are due to the fact that you did not have a d-day and did not have to see the consequences of your affair on your spouse. Seeing the confusion and pain and anger on the face of my husband is something I will never forget. And I'm not trying to be mean or harsh with that observation.

Therapy would be a good start. I'm still in therapy (1x a month) and find it really helps center me when my thoughts are starting to spiral.

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I do think that some of your gratitude feelings in regards to your affair are due to the fact that you did not have a d-day and did not have to see the consequences of your affair on your spouse.

I agree.

These feelings of “gratitude” that you feel came at the expense of your wife - she just doesn’t know it, and you don’t really appreciate it because you were not discovered and there were no consequences. As such, with kindness, your post comes across as the musings of a rather self absorbed and entitled man… I’m sorry, but my empathy is for your wife. 

[Ashes84]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I agree.

These feelings of “gratitude” that you feel came at the expense of your wife - she just doesn’t know it, and you don’t really appreciate it because you were not discovered and there were no consequences. As such, with kindness, your post comes across as the musings of a rather self absorbed and entitled man… I’m sorry, but my empathy is for your wife. 

You're absolutley right. And I'm certainly self-absorbed. I think, reading my comments, they do also come across as entitled. I've only really described one emotion that I feel, mainly because it probably doesn't get talked about but it's certainly morally pretty dark.

I also feel a huge amount of regret and did feel a lot of guilt and shame. I worked through the guilt and shame with a lot of help over several years but the regret is still there.

I don't regret meeting her, I do regret the rest. I think I expected a very different reconnect to the one I got. Also after 10 years emotions change, the jagged edges are smoothed away and the past goes a bit soft-focus.

[Amethyst68]

Quote

I regret that it happened the way it did but I felt I had to see her and I think I might have been right

I wonder if you would still feel this way if your wife had found out, if you had faced any consequences at all for your actions. 

I'm not getting any empathy or feelings for your wife from your posts. 

On 3/9/2022 at 9:09 AM, Ashes84 said:

My wife is not checked out, our marriage good  and we do talk. We love each other. I have had therapy for many years but not for 8 years now.

 I believe this is probably true for your wife, you - not so much...