I still don't get it.

[Lisa]

We have just removed all posts which contain group berating as well as posts which are are quoting that berating.  We would like to remind posters that if you respond to a post which is unacceptable, your post will get removed in the clean up. 

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

The one woman I knew who had cheated (at least once, but I suspect more) was a "feelings chaser". Her feelings at any given moment were the most important thing and nothing else really mattered. So when she was out and felt attraction to another man, she thought that was a really big deal and meaningful and she should follow through on those feelings. Although she knew it would be perceived of as "wrong" by most, she didn't see it that way because her feeling of attraction was the most important thing. And this didn't only pertain to her romantic life. In her professional life too, she couldn't keep a job / career because inevitably she would get bored and jump to the next thing that garnered her interest only to switch up again. I remember distinctly asking her once "what are your core values" and she couldn't really give an answer. She said, "that's a fluid concept"....

Sounds familiar round here. 

You should have asked her to specify what a fluid concept means.

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Sounds familiar round here. 

You should have asked her to specify what a fluid concept means.

She meant she couldn’t commit to having core values because she wanted her feelings in the moment to drive her actions without guilt. So they changed with her feelings.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

She meant she couldn’t commit to having core values because she wanted her feelings in the moment to drive her actions without guilt. So they changed with her feelings.

It was a bit tongue-in-cheek of me to use your friend's phrase.

I was being silly.

It sounds (in your friend's case), essentially, a 'cheaters high' that is both emotionally and psychologically pleasurable and addictive for her:

On 3/8/2022 at 9:24 AM, pepperbird2 said:

After reading many threads on where as well as on other sites, I am still brought back to the same question.


How can someone cheat on their spouse/relationship partner? How can they see them ,day after day, and not have guilt eat them up inside? Even if their husband/wife is terrible, how can they engage in dishonesty over an extended period of time?

I’m not trying to be judgmental-I just don’t understand it. 

Which, may explain why someone contains to routinely cheat on his/her partner and not feel guilt or remorse.

Edited April 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[understand50]

In today's  society, we  look for the easy one size fits all  answir.  Why people cheat will never be one.  You can place general reasons, such as above, but in the end, there will always be an individual reason, or situation,  from the cheater.  Some, just do not think is that big of a deal. " It was just sex", other are just self centered.  Other lost control, or cheated when they were weak.  The list can go on and on.  In the end, depending on how  you view things, it can be really painful, or not. 

Why people cheat?  the list is endless.  Trying to understand?   You need to look at yourself, and the cheater, and try and see the why.  In the end, both of you may never really know, but you can come close, or agree on the "official"  story. 

My two cents

 

 

[gameoflife]

On 3/8/2022 at 10:24 AM, pepperbird2 said:

After reading many threads on where as well as on other sites, I am still brought back to the same question.


How can someone cheat on their spouse/relationship partner? How can they see them ,day after day, and not have guilt eat them up inside? Even if their husband/wife is terrible, how can they engage in dishonesty over an extended period of time?

I’m not trying to be judgmental-I just don’t understand it. 

It's easy to understand. If you are overweight, would you want your spouse to tell you that you're fat? How would you respond if he did? Probably not well. Truth is, people are constantly conditioning their spouses to lie to them about everything. For the spouse, it's just another lie you'd prefer to believe than to hear cold hard real truth. 

Cheating is easy to explain. The fallacy is that human nature can be controlled through the adoption and discipline around ideological beliefs like monogamy. The real truth is that people can't win against their will. It's just a matter of risk and reward. When marriages are sexless or intimacy is boring, the reward of cheating increases. Eventually, the risk of being caught starts to diminish, and in the right circumstances where such an option to cheat is possible, people are subject to their will. Everyone has the same will power, it's just how you mentally stack the sides.

 

[Will am I]

On 3/8/2022 at 6:24 PM, pepperbird2 said:

After reading many threads on where as well as on other sites, I am still brought back to the same question.


How can someone cheat on their spouse/relationship partner? How can they see them ,day after day, and not have guilt eat them up inside? Even if their husband/wife is terrible, how can they engage in dishonesty over an extended period of time?

I’m not trying to be judgmental-I just don’t understand it. 

I think I can answer from a male perspective.

First: cheating does not start when you find yourself in bed with another person. Neither is it something you actively set out for when you get married. I feel that infidelity is something that sneaks in slow and then reveals itself fast.

 

I believe that most commonly there is a complex of emotional and relationship issues.

* Emotional issues could predate the marriage. I believe there are quite a number of risk factors on the psychological level. One risk factor would be if a person is insecure and depends on affirmation. Another risk factor may be detachment (having trouble establishing deep connections). Maybe depression is a risk factor (a mild case where someone often feels lonely and misunderstood may be a risk factor. deeper forms of depression are probably not risk factors). And I believe that being in your 40s is also a risk factor of its own. This had to do with a changing perspective on the arc of life: a long period of a rising slope gradually turns into the outlook of the rest of your life and the preparation for the declining slope. Sometimes it's just nicer to feel like you're 25 again when everything was new and exciting.

* Then there is the dynamics of relationship. Abuse or neglect can cause people to turn to the outside for rescue. A negative outlook on the direction of the marriage is also a risk factor. It is much easier to look for another partner when you feel that your marriage is doomed anyway. Generally, I think the biggest risk is where emotional issues and relational issues alugn. If the relationship is pushing the sensitive buttons for the emotional profile of the man, this may be a trigger.

 

For me personally, there is a long felt sense of loneliness that is always just under the surface. It's been there forever and in earlier stages of my life I have also struggled with depression. The alignment with relationship dynamics came when due to family circumstances there was way too little conversation going on between my wide and me, for an extended amount of time. I felt more and more isolated and lonely. Divorce and even suicide were thoughts that started popping up in my head more and more frequently. Still only loose thoughts, but they did undermine my outlook on the future of my marriage.

At some point I noticed that I was starting to open up to meeting new people. Not on dating sites, but in the friendly zone. This was bad and good at the same time. I was feeling more alive (hence the suicidal thoughts were melting). But it did put me at risk of meeting a woman who wanted more than friendship. 

And I did. It was a much younger woman, about half my age. I thought I was safe because of the age difference, that she would never look at me in a romantic way. In that sense of safety, I could write open hearted and no holds barred. My words helped her. And it was nice feeling a strong connection with someone. My thoughts of loneliness and isolation were soothed by writing to this lovely young person. What I didn't recognize was some psychological issues in her, at least I didn't see them in time. It was excactly these issues that made her overly sensitive to the attention of older men. It takes to to tango. My weakness coincided with her weakness. And then she boldly crossed the line from friend zone into romantic zone. When I say "boldly" I mean she was not being subtle about it. She came on to me so directly I never before saw any woman do. My first response was shock. "is this really happening"? I was shocked but also flattered at the same time. And because I liked the woman on a friendly level, my reception of this boundary crossing message was way more like

"wow! (i'm old and married and i can't believe you would like me so much)" 

than like

"wow! (o'm old and married and i can't believe you would come on to a married man like this)"

 

The final part of the story is when you actually meet up and start the affair and meet up again and again and have sex. I'm not in that part, but I believe it's mostly the geo distance which has kept me safe here. She's a two hour flight away.

I can imagine that at one point you find yourself justifying why it's OK to do this when really it is not OK. Mental voices like "my marriage was already screwed". Or "my wife shut me out years ago and I deserve to be happy". Or other lines like that. Pretty much the same things we tell ourselves when we look at our weight in the morning and still skip the gym and go to McDonalds for dinner. For every bad deed there are a million excuses, they're a major support system that allows us to thrive in a wicked world.

 

It's become a much more personal story than I intended to write, but maybe it explains how these things can go.

 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Will am I