OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 So we broke up last feb although we was suppose to break up nothing much changed. We still see each other regular we txt call everyday , i stay over at wknds. When we have sex she makes comments like turn her over , ive said i want to kiss etc but she replies its not what you want. Kissing isnt like it was to me it seems effortless on her part. Im the one asking to spend time mostly and when i try to pull back and show no affection she will then give me a slight bit of affection. Although ive said many times does she want it over she twists it back as though im the one trying to end it. She is confusing the hell out of me when i want to talk or ask questions she gets angry and says im going on and on. She doesnt understand how its affecting me like hot cold behaviour. Its been a year of this, when ive really pushed her to ask if she loves me she has said well your in my bed are you not ! There must be something some love or i wouldnt be txting you. Its all really confusing no straight answers , i have no idea how she truly feels or what she wants ladies can you shed some female insight how i can find out Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 It’s just sex. She said she doesn’t want a relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 8, 2022 Author Share Posted March 8, 2022 No shes never once said she didnt want a relationship with me. If it was just sex its mainly me initiating Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 Then who broke up with whom and what was the break up about last Feb? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 8, 2022 Author Share Posted March 8, 2022 Id moved out 2 years ago as our children wasnt getting along. A year ago she said it was over but still kept seeing me as ive said in the post. So im baffled to what she wants over the past few weeks she has been more affectionate than over the last year but she just keeps saying she needs time to heal and find herself with me again Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 1 minute ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: Id moved out 2 years ago as our children wasnt getting along. A year ago she said it was over but still kept seeing me as ive said in the post. So im baffled to what she wants over the past few weeks she has been more affectionate than over the last year but she just keeps saying she needs time to heal and find herself with me again I’m sorry this is going on. The reason I asked about the break up is to understand why there was that break down in the relationship to start. Her saying that she needs to heal indicates there was some hurt and pain involved and the relationship was dysfunctional and unworkable. Why aren’t your kids getting along? Are they from previous relationships? Are either of you still legally married and where are the other two parents? Stay on track with your own kids in the meantime. I don’t think this is working. You both tried but it’s been limping along for awhile. My read on it is that she or you or both of you may have used each other to leave previous relationships and she’s saying she needs to heal. How much you want to believe of that is up to you. I hope you do not live in denial or neglect your own healing also. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 39 minutes ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: We still see each other regular we txt call everyday , i stay over at wknds. we have sex. She doesnt understand how its affecting me like hot cold behaviour. Its been a year of this How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is she? Do you think it's a breakup or just downshifted to FWB? Are either of you in other relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 8, 2022 Author Share Posted March 8, 2022 7 years together moved in with each other she had 2 boys i had boy girl. Started going downhill when my son suffered metal health issues. I was poss a bit controlling and i didnt remove my ex wifes tattoo for quite a while which i believe hurt her. I accept me leaving 2 years ago getting my own place really hurt her but i told her once my son was better id come back. She agreed and for the past 2 years its been mainly me fighting to keep us together. my own opinion is shes keeping me around but doesnt have the same strong feelings as me but i cannot Understand why she wont let me go if she feels this way. Ive asked many times given her the chance to end it but she doesnt. We have have had arguments and i think why hasnt she finished it. We go out nights out im so confused Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 8, 2022 Share Posted March 8, 2022 3 minutes ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: 7 years together moved in with each other she had 2 boys i had boy girl. Started going downhill when my son suffered metal health issues. I was poss a bit controlling and i didnt remove my ex wifes tattoo for quite a while which i believe hurt her. I accept me leaving 2 years ago getting my own place really hurt her but i told her once my son was better id come back. She agreed and for the past 2 years its been mainly me fighting to keep us together. my own opinion is shes keeping me around but doesnt have the same strong feelings as me but i cannot Understand why she wont let me go if she feels this way. Ive asked many times given her the chance to end it but she doesnt. We have have had arguments and i think why hasnt she finished it. We go out nights out im so confused People do what feels most comfortable and easy and sometimes it means lingering on with the same company even though things aren’t working. The hard work is asking yourself if you’re happy and what you’re willing to do to change the way things are now. She won’t discuss anything with you or prefers not to maybe because there is nothing left to say. I’m getting the sense that you feel this just isn’t enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2022 Share Posted March 9, 2022 10 hours ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: ladies can you shed some female insight how i can find out She's keeping you as a filler until she meets a man she wants to date. You will be sidelined after that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 27, 2022 Author Share Posted March 27, 2022 Whenever i seem to pull back , example sitting away from her on the sofa she will put her legs across me, i show nothing in bed then she will comment best get your sex out of the way or you will moan. I just dont get why shes doing this its like cruel mind games and ive told her. Wont answer any questions when i ask what does she want ! All she ever says well think about it your in my bed arnt you Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 27, 2022 Share Posted March 27, 2022 Sounds like you are unhappy with the current situation. Have you considered just getting out of this regardless of what is going on with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted March 27, 2022 Author Share Posted March 27, 2022 Im finding it hard to let go, i love this lady and dunno if im being dumb but at times it can seem as though she is wanting it. I just want her to be honest with me grown up actually tell me if she wants us to work out or not. All she says is ive told you yes but her actions dont seem to indicate that you just know in your gut the kissing sex etc is not the same . When i point this out she just says she needs time from all the damage in the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 27, 2022 Share Posted March 27, 2022 Sounds like you are riding this straight into the dirt. Going to get worse before it gets better, if it ever will. Which it probably won't. Why not find a partner who feels 'right'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 Break it down so it isnt long. Moved out in 2020 kept on trying mainly one sided broke up but nothing changed in feb 21 when i say nothing changed we still have sex ( she mainly wants it lay down from behind) ive commented on no affection etc. Hardly any kissing cuddling not like it was, she still invites me up to stay we go out to bars do things meals out. As things i feel got better i ask quite a lot how she feels ( says nothing). Ive pointed out that i no longer like how we are apart etc and want a future together. She never answers nothing and its like im in limbo constantly. She gets annoyed at me asking and always points out shes got things going on in her life. Like im stressing her out! I ve said look if you feel things are gone and no future etc then what is the point why dont we give up. Its at these points and when i seem to act like im giving up she drags me back in. I just dont know what to do and im hearing you all probably saying walk away but its not what i want. Ive told her its not fair to leave me in the dark all the time but she will not communicate anything to me apart from the odd i love you now and again Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 2 minutes ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: when i say nothing changed we still have sex ( she mainly wants it lay down from behind) ive commented on no affection etc. Unfortunately all she wants is FWB so it's a get together-have sex-bye! situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately all she wants is FWB so it's a get together-have sex-bye! situation. I have brought this up but she says if i feel like im being used to walk away or dont stay over so no sex. Its usually me that initiates sex. All i get off her is i dont listen she needs to heal. reason she needs to heal is because i checked her phone twice but i dud have good reason too which she doesnt see Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 She's right - you have to decide what you will accept. Now, I read that you're the one who is usually initiating sex. So how about you turn the tables and stop initiating sex? If she reaches out to you for sex, tell her that you've been feeling used and you'll only have sex if the relationship is back on. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2022 Share Posted April 8, 2022 On 4/6/2022 at 3:34 PM, OnlafterdarkGary said: i checked her phone twice but.... Ok. Well you keep snooping around. Her phone, her personal correspondence,etc. So there's no reason for her to to trust. There's no good reason to invade someone's privacy. Overall you seem unhappy and controlling. You have the option to just step back and accept a FWB situation or end it and find someone who makes you happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted April 9, 2022 Author Share Posted April 9, 2022 Wiseman the whole reason i checked her phone was because i saw a message on her phone which she was hiding. A person i knew messaging her i know she wasnt interested but it was the fact she hid it from me. Plus i dont know if you recall she also has a 60 yr old guy whos well off messaging her filth at times. When i called her out on all this her reply was hes a joker just joking with me. Shes known him 14 years but i told her i dont mind you having make friends just put him in the picture that sending the s*** he sends is not acceptable Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 48 minutes ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: So we broke up last feb. i checked her phone was because... Focus on this part. You're no longer together so both of you are free to date, talk to and be with anyone you wish. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 (edited) On 4/6/2022 at 3:11 PM, OnlafterdarkGary said: She never answers nothing and its like im in limbo constantly. She gets annoyed at me asking and always points out shes got things going on in her life. Like im stressing her out! Ive told her its not fair to leave me in the dark all the time but she will not communicate anything to me apart from the odd i love you now and again She is closed off, emotionally slammed the door, and blames you... yet she won't end it. The thing she says about needing to heal is just a way of avoiding having to talk about it and taking any responsibility. You speak as though things were entirely different before you moved out, but I don't think she's turned into a different person. I think you would've wound up where you are regardless. I know you don't want to end it, but you obviously aren't happy, and I don't blame you. She is holding you at arm's length, not engaging. Your reluctance is based on imagining that things could be like the beginning. That will not happen. This is who she is, and you need to decide if you're willing to live in this half-life or summon the strength to leave for the hope of a new, functional relationship. Yes, this one is dysfunctional. Your moving out for the kids sake (which I agree with), and checking her phone (because she was playing footsies with other men) are just excuses for her behavior, unwillingness to make an effort, and treating you as if you don't deserve any better. This is who she is and it's not going to change. I think you need to end it and move on. It has run its course. Not every relationship is forever, and this one is not longer working. Edited April 9, 2022 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 OP, imo she knows exactly what she's doing, she's playing the game (i.e. you) quite well I'd say, I mean you're still there aren't you? She pulls, she pushes, meanwhile you're thrown off balance seeking her attention, affection, etc. You want change? Then YOU change. Stop playing HER game. Develop your own game, flip the script, throw HER off baiance and stop being her lap dog (sorry for saying that but it's true, especially in her eyes). Or just gather all the strength you can muster up and walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlafterdarkGary Posted April 10, 2022 Author Share Posted April 10, 2022 19 hours ago, poppyfields said: OP, imo she knows exactly what she's doing, she's playing the game (i.e. you) quite well I'd say, I mean you're still there aren't you? She pulls, she pushes, meanwhile you're thrown off balance seeking her attention, affection, etc. You want change? Then YOU change. Stop playing HER game. Develop your own game, flip the script, throw HER off baiance and stop being her lap dog (sorry for saying that but it's true, especially in her eyes). Or just gather all the strength you can muster up and walk away. I know what you guys are saying and i fully agree, anytime i bring up talking about what she wants a future with me etc she shuts it down fairly quickly. I just want a straight forward no i dont see a future or whatever then i can let go. Or would it be a good idea to suggest a month of not seeing each other see if she if anything changes Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 10 minutes ago, OnlafterdarkGary said: anytime i bring up talking about what she wants a future with me etc she shuts it down fairly quickly. I just want a straight forward no i dont see a future. Or would it be a good idea to suggest a month of not seeing each other see if she if anything changes What changes would you hope for with that tactic? She's very clear that it's over as far a relationship goes, even if there is still a FWB situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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