Trying to overcome my mysogynistic mindset

[Lifeishard931]

I am at a breaking point in my life now. I´m 28 years old and I´ve always had problems with women/girls.. In highschool in my country, I was always unpopular and craved for friendship and love (by girls especially) but I was rejected. I remember feeling pretty butthurt because of that. The pain turned into a real disdain for women in general.. At the university, I never missed an opportunity to make girls feel bad. I used to flirt with them and engange in conversation, only to dump them after. If I wasn´t outright mean to them, I would just give them disdainful looks just to make them feel bad.

The peak of this behaviour came one day last year when I started doing my masters here in the US. I had spent the day drinking alone and went to a nightclub alone in a town in Florida. I checked out a beautiful girl on the dance floor and decided to creep up and slap her butt, which, got me into an altercation with some guys that she was with.. Long story short: I got beat up quite badly by one of those guys outside the club. He kept punching my face, at least 5-6 times. I got humiliated. Most humiliating thing was the girl taunting me after I got beaten.

Since that event, I´ve been trying to confront my mysogyny.. But I feel like I can´t really confess all that outside of the internet.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Lifeishard931 said:

I started doing my masters here in the US. I had spent the day drinking alone and went to a nightclub alone in a town in Florida. I checked out a beautiful girl on the dance floor and decided to creep up and slap her butt, which, got me into an altercation with some guys that she was with.. Long story short: I got beat up quite badly by one of those guys outside the club.

If you keep getting drunk, assaulting women and getting in altercations, you'll end up in jail and being deported.

[glows]

There is also counselling or therapy. Have you tried these? Try getting the drinking under control or find help/support staying sober. 

[NuevoYorko]

I have a sense that you won't be slapping any unknown woman's butt at a club again, anyway.  

Seriously, that was assault.  

Start with impulse control.  Regardless of your general feelings about women,  you can be in charge of your own actions.  This probably is not the first time you've "acted out."  

[Lifeishard931]

18 hours ago, glows said:

There is also counselling or therapy. Have you tried these? Try getting the drinking under control or find help/support staying sober. 

Yes, I tried therapy many times over and solved a lot of issues already.. But somehow the pain is still there. Now I gotta deal with having been beaten up do you know someone who overcame addiction succesfully?

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Lifeishard931 said:

Yes, I tried therapy many times over and solved a lot of issues already.. But somehow the pain is still there. Now I gotta deal with having been beaten up do you know someone who overcame addiction succesfully?

That’s what support groups are for. There are mentors and also others like you fighting the good fight and trying hard to quit. Look at what’s going on in your community. Search or Google support for alcoholism and addictions, book a phone appointment with your doctor and ask for advice or tips. Your doctor is your most immediate source of help. 

[flitzanu]

slapping a strange girl's butt isn't sexual anger and misogyny that's just sexual assault.

[Atwood]

Stay in therapy. There is still work to be done and there need be no rush to exit therapy. I very rarely see people willing to enact real change in who they are so, if you're serious about changing, don't waste that opportunity. 

You may need to spend some serious time properly grieving everything you feel you missed out on during your formative years or you will continue to take it out on people who you perceive witheld those experiences from you. 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Atwood

[mark clemson]

On 3/9/2022 at 1:32 PM, Lifeishard931 said:

I am at a breaking point in my life now. I´m 28 years old and I´ve always had problems with women/girls..

Keep in mind that most women do NOT have it nearly as "easy" as certain parts of the internet (e.g. manosphere/incel content) might have you believe. Definitely keep up with therapy to help yourself get past a toxic mindset as it will just undercut any actual progress you make.

Since you have trouble with women, I would suggest you do NOT show interest in "hotties" as they tend to have their pick of men. Here's an alternative strategy to help you:

Part A: Make yourself as attractive to women as possible. This would include haircut/grooming, nice clothing, "exuding" independence and confidence (without being a mean/uncaring person) including in your mannerisms, attitudes, and gait, having a good career or financial setting, and as much as possible having good social skills.

That is all easier said than done. However, IF you can pull it off to some reasonable degree, you become an attractive male. At that point, women will begin to "send signals" your way. A lot of women's communication is indirect. So they "give hints" and "leave you openings" e.g. to converse more. These tend to be somewhat ambiguous (although not always) and can take some practice "reading".

To help with Part A, you might get the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" and read the chapters on what makes men attractive to women. The book is long, but you only need to read the relevant parts (on what females find attractive).  Also keep in mind that every women is different, so this will make you generally attractive as a man but not necessarily attractive to a specific woman. If she's really into short, dark guys with big smiles who work in construction and play guitar and you're simply not that - well, you're not going to have luck with that specific woman. But making yourself attractive, if done successfully, will open up a LOT of women to you.

Part B is to find a "nice girl" - NOT some hottie who can get a guy any night of the week, but a regular woman, who has probably had BFs but also gets passed over a bit and is currently single. Such a woman is likely to respond very strongly and with sincere interest to the attention of a very attractive man. Women (speaking generally) are not interested in clingy men who "any girl could have" hanging around awkwardly. They DO respond to a confident, independent, attractive guy "who could have any woman he wanted" taking a strong interest in them. THAT is very validating to them.

So, if you can pull off the above, find that "nice girl" and come into her life and it could easily be the start of a great life together, OR one of a long string of successful relationships. The 20's is rough on guys, but past about 30 things get better IF the guy can maintain his attractiveness (speaking broadly, not just physical attractiveness) as there are fewer and fewer "worthy" men not snapped up into relationships and women who are looking for someone are often getting quite serious about finding "a good guy".

One final tip, NEVER mention sex too early in a conversation with a woman. Keep the conversation on regular, fun topics (or serious ones if she likes that). Let her be the one to bring up sexual ideas first and even so tread lightly. Socially inappropriate mention of sex is a big red flag that will undercut your progress with a women. It's hard to go wrong saving sex talk for once you're actually in the bedroom.

Edited March 11, 2022 by mark clemson