gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 Hello I have been dating my dream boyfriend for almost 7 years . We started dating in 2016. After the pandemic I decided to move to London to study , MA . And then my boyfriend found an opportunity to work in France . So we have been apart , visiting each other on and off but talking everyday. There was a moment where I freaked out and wanted to break up bc he wouldn't move with me and I didn't want to go to France . But now when I was visiting him after he convinced me that we could do it . We would eventually come back and he together again , he told me he doesn't know what to do That he loves me , feels the same way about me and our relationship . But that he doesn't want to be long distance. He want to be with me but not apart However if I tell him that we can just go back to our country, he says that he doesn't know when he will If I say that I can move there bc I was also planning on leaving London either way , he says he doesn't want to make me unhappy and let me move to a country where I've never wanted to be He's sending me mixed signals. Saying he needs time alone but if I ask if I should stop talking to him , he says he doesn't want to stop talking Please , I need help. I'm hurting. I wrote a huge text and told him what I was willing to do in order to save our relationship and told him to talk to me about it when he is ready. But I'm afraid he's gonna end up breaking up with me I don't know what to do Should I ignore him and stop texting? Should I move on and let go ? I still love him Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 13 minutes ago, gg_ell3 said: I decided to move to London to study , MA . And then my boyfriend found an opportunity to work in France . But that he doesn't want to be long distance. He's sending me mixed signals. Sorry this is happening. Follow your own dreams and your own pursuits. Let him follow his. Sadly your goals and values are incompatible. Give him space. He doesn't want to hurt you and he's being very clear that Long Distance is not working out. He's right that you should not move for him and resent it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Author Share Posted March 10, 2022 (edited) But I wouldn't resent it I don't want to break up, I wouldn't mind trying something new I was already ready to leave London I also didn't want to have a long distance relationship forever I already told him this I am afraid he's just making excuses but it's confusing because he says that he loves Mr and wants to be with me but then isn't open to solutions.... If he still loves me and wants to me in a relationship ( supposedly) , why wouldn't he be open to solutions? Isn't this situation fixable and straight forward?? Thank you for taking the time Edited March 10, 2022 by gg_ell3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 Don’t move to France just yet. He seems confused and overwhelmed by the volume or length of texts if he’s needing time alone to think. Avoid block long texts. Have a phonecall instead in future. Pause this for a moment and do other things. Take the time to think about this and don’t panic if someone needs time to think. Give him space. You also can use this time to re-evaluate the relationship and think about your future goals. If it is not reasonable for you to move and you have little prospects in France it’s foolish to move there. The relationship may fall apart after months or a year and you’re set back however many years because you haven’t progressed in your own career or other personal goals. Don’t move for him alone. What are your reasons for living in France versus London? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Author Share Posted March 10, 2022 (edited) I visited last week and came back to our home country for holidays . So I saw him last Monday and we were having this conversation since Saturday And now over texts but I haven't texted since yesterday. I think the time to think might be right I think for me hearing him say all this stuff was too much as well and panicked 100% I came to London to study but I don't have any idea what I could do in France not in London At the moment I'm studying (almost done , just writing my dissertation) and working part time in retail I'm 24 and he's also 24 Edited March 10, 2022 by gg_ell3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 17 minutes ago, gg_ell3 said: I visited last week and came back to our home country for holidays . So I saw him last Monday and we were having this conversation since Saturday And now over texts but I haven't texted since yesterday. I think the time to think might be right I think for me hearing him say all this stuff was too much as well and panicked 100% I came to London to study but I don't have any idea what I could do in France not in London At the moment I'm studying (almost done , just writing my dissertation) and working part time in retail I'm 24 and he's also 24 I strongly advise you to think about your future after your studies. Please don’t move in a panic at the thought of losing your boyfriend. Start looking into options in France, employment opportunities in your field and do more research if you’re seriously contemplating it. Your boyfriend sounds desperate and has concerns but you will be living your life in France, not him, not anyone else. He may have said some things in a moment of exasperation and then suddenly realized they were unfair and confusing. He may even be prone to fits of jealousy. Has he ever shown he’s controlling or needs to constantly know where you are? Think about this some more. Don’t be so easily swayed. Be honest about what your hopes or dreams are. Another option is to go to France for a trial period with viable reasons and if it’s not working out move back to London. But know what you’re investing and be willing to pull out of this if it’s no longer working for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Author Share Posted March 10, 2022 No He isn't controlling or anything He says he doesn't want me to move there just for him bc that would make me unhappy and then he would be unhappy as well But he doesn't want to move back just yet and doesn't want to have a long distance relationship It's just confusing Bc he just replies he doesn't know I guess because we have been together since 2016 , I never considered this would happen I just imagined my future with him and whatever else would be fine Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 50 minutes ago, gg_ell3 said: I don't have any idea what I could do in France not in London. At the moment I'm studying (almost done , just writing my dissertation) and working part time in retail. I'm 24 and he's also 24 Follow your dreams and aspirations and finish your degree. Visit him, pull back and see what happens. If you are not fluent in French and have a job, visa, etc., lined up it's like throwing your life away when you can finish your studies where you are.. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 Maybe it’s time to think about things a bit more critically and give some thought to what he’s saying. Him not knowing is a valid comment. He doesn’t know the answer or is avoiding the issue. Both as infuriating as they may be are valid. He isn’t offering you anything more in terms of the relationship. Decide whether you want to go to France independently of him. I think you’re relying on him very heavily and he may not be sure you’re the one for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Author Share Posted March 10, 2022 Then why does he say that he still wants to be with me ? And that nothing has changed in regards of his feelings for me or our relationship He told me that still sees his future life with me Isn't it cruel to say all of this and then say he doesn't know? Is there an explanation to this back and forth comments? 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 6 minutes ago, gg_ell3 said: Then why does he say that he still wants to be with me ? And that nothing has changed in regards of his feelings for me or our relationship He told me that still sees his future life with me Isn't it cruel to say all of this and then say he doesn't know? Is there an explanation to this back and forth comments? 😕 He may be shortsighted. Slow down and let him get back to you. I’d give it a couple of days. You know his schedule so leave it alone for now. Use the time to think about things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gg_ell3 Posted March 10, 2022 Author Share Posted March 10, 2022 Thank you for your help I think you are right I need to step back and leave things be for a while and give each other space 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 (edited) Has he been dating other people while being in France? Nothing creates confusion in relationships like a 3rd party. You've basically told him you'll do anything to make this relationship work and he's still confused. Why? Edited March 10, 2022 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 2 hours ago, gg_ell3 said: No He isn't controlling or anything He says he doesn't want me to move there just for him bc that would make me unhappy and then he would be unhappy as well But he doesn't want to move back just yet and doesn't want to have a long distance relationship It's just confusing Bc he just replies he doesn't know I guess because we have been together since 2016 , I never considered this would happen I just imagined my future with him and whatever else would be fine sometimes we like to see things as mixed signals, but i think you should read this sentence a few times. he doesn't want to move back, and he doesn't want you to move to france. if he truly loves and wants to be with you, there would be a compromise, or a suggestion, or at least an offer to try to fix this. the solutions from him are "no i'm not moving back to london with you, and no i don't want you to move to france with me" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2022 Share Posted March 10, 2022 3 hours ago, gg_ell3 said: Is there an explanation to this back and forth comments? Sometimes a third party is the reason, unforunately. It's hard to think about but perhaps someone else has caught his eye. You two have also been together since you were teens. He may feel he's been outgrowing the relationship and wants to see what else is out there - but not sure how to break it to you and hurt you. The bottom line is that someone who truly wants to be with you, feels the same way about you and sees a future with you would be eager to find a solution together...not shoot down every solution you come up with. I'm sorry, OP. This does not sound good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 12 hours ago, gg_ell3 said: But I'm afraid he's gonna end up breaking up with me I don't know what to do I don't see any mixed signals on his part. That's what he's doing. I think what you need to do is to wrap your head around the fact that this relationship has run its course in his eyes--and that if you can't stomach the thought of living in France, then there is no point keeping your relationship going. He wants his girlfriend to live where he lives and you don't want to live in France where his career is. Plenty of people do not do well in LDRs and they know this about themselves. Sounds like he's one of them. Quote my boyfriend found an opportunity to work in France I tell him that we can just go back to our country, Stop being unrealistic. He's can't just "go back" to "our" country--he's got a job in France. Go back and do what, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts