Would a MM make time and spend real time with you if he really wanted to?

[Mizz Layta]

I have been seeing an MM for a year and the only time I  can see him is during his work hours since he is a social worker and have a flexible schedule. So when he doesn't have any clients he will arrange to meet. But the problem is, sometimes we would plan to meet then something comes up at the last minute. He will just leave me hanging in case it works out and if it doesn't then I ended wasting my time if it doesn't pan out...So I suggested we meet after work instead for an hour or so..but he says he will feel guilty if he misses supper with his kids...yet sometimes, they change his working scedule when he has to start later in the day then finish late with no problem but he won't meet me for an hour after work when he fishes ealier. 

I even suggest he takes a day off and he promised me last time when the plans kept falling through since he only meet while he is working but he never followed through. Yet if his kids are sick he has no problem taking a day off...I don't think I can continue anymore...I 'm ready to block his number but something is holding me back.....would a MM make time and spend real time with you if he really wanted to? Or is it common in these arrangements?

Edited March 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
confusing title

[glows]

I would think it’s common in the sense that he’s been prioritizing his family over your relationship. You’re on the outside looking in and will always come second to his children. How do you two know each other? 

[Bubble_20]

You’re being shoe-horned into his work/life schedule as a side piece. Exit immediately.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

he says he will feel guilty if he misses supper with his kids. Yet if his kids are sick he has no problem taking a day off...I don't think I can continue anymore.

If you would like a satisfying full-time relationship with a man who cares for you, this is not your guy. Yes, end it, delete and block him.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Brian1223]

Gosh, you cannot be serious. Why would he prioritise you? You're a side piece, respectfully. Sorry but you need a reality check if you are questing why he won't prioritize you over his family.

May sound harsh, but I have been there (12 month full on PA) and have been out successfully for over 12 months with no looking back (and his wife and him are currently going through divorce - I still wouldnt want him after knowing what he did to his wife and kids) End this now. These men are sick and toxic.

 It will be hard to do, it was the hardest thing I have done walking away, but once you are out and can see some clarity through the affair fog you will understand that this is so unhealthy and consuming for you to be in, and that you should have more respect for yourself to not put yourself in this kind of situation again. 

[Mizz Layta]

12 minutes ago, Brian1223 said:

Gosh, you cannot be serious. Why would he prioritise you? You're a side piece, respectfully. Sorry but you need a reality check if you are questing why he won't prioritize you over his family.

May sound harsh, but I have been there (12 month full on PA) and have been out successfully for over 12 months with no looking back (and his wife and him are currently going through divorce - I still wouldnt want him after knowing what he did to his wife and kids) End this now. These men are sick and toxic.

 It will be hard to do, it was the hardest thing I have done walking away, but once you are out and can see some clarity through the affair fog you will understand that this is so unhealthy and consuming for you to be in, and that you should have more respect for yourself to not put yourself in this kind of situation again. 

I'm not expecting him to prioritize me over his family..i'm just wondering why he wont meet for even an hour after work and insist we meet while he is working when it's not guaranteed. I just wanted firmer plans

[Mizz Layta]

We met at my former job..I understand kids come first as it should but can't he take a day off for me sometimes if all is well at home?

[Brian1223]

5 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I'm not expecting him to prioritize me over his family..i'm just wondering why he wont meet for even an hour after work and insist we meet while he is working when it's not guaranteed. I just wanted firmer plans

What you're saying IS wanting him to prioritise you over his family.. He sees you in work time because it only takes away from work.. outside of work hours you are asking for him to take that time away from his family. That time is dedicated to his main priorities - his wife and children. 

If you want firmer plans, don't date married men. 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Brian1223

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I'm not expecting him to prioritize me over his family..i'm just wondering why he wont meet for even an hour after work and insist we meet while he is working when it's not guaranteed. I just wanted firmer plans

It seems he needs to be home at an appropriate time even if he does work a late shift. His family members he lives with or his wife will catch on that something is off if he’s late.

 

Just now, Mizz Layta said:

We met at my former job..I understand kids come first as it should but can't he take a day off for me sometimes if all is well at home?

That’s something you have to ask him and if he’s deflecting or preferring not to answer this question it means he’s not willing to discuss this with you. You’ll have to realize when someone is not available and accept that. You can decide whether that’s working for you.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

We met at my former job..I understand kids come first as it should but can't he take a day off for me sometimes if all is well at home?

Of course not.  His leave time is precious and will likely be spent with his wife and kids.  

[stillafool]

Yeah and he probably likes his wife's cooking so he wants to be home to have dinner with his family.  What is it about that situation that is hard to understand?  Stop complaining or you might get replaced.

[Mizz Layta]

Well I have heard stories about MM who makes an effort to spend quality time with their AP so I was wondering if he just doesn't want to spend real time with me...I'm not expecting him to spend weekends or the night..if he really wanted to he would book a day off every now and then

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

Well I have heard stories about MM who makes an effort to spend quality time with their AP so I was wondering if he just doesn't want to spend real time with me...I'm not expecting him to spend weekends or the night..if he really wanted to he would book a day off every now and then

I see what you’re doing. Whether it’s him or you this is an affair. You don’t need to keep beating yourself up because you think he doesn’t like you enough. You will likely always come second and if you struggle with low self-esteem you’ll always question your worth or whether he likes you enough. 

I suggest you end this and do some work on yourself. Date someone who is available. You’re already struggling and hurt.

Edited March 10, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

Well I have heard stories about MM who makes an effort to spend quality time with their AP so I was wondering if he just doesn't want to spend real time with me...I'm not expecting him to spend weekends or the night..if he really wanted to he would book a day off every now and then

And what would he tell his wife when she questions why he doesn't have the right amount of leave to spend with the family?   Men taking days off to spend with the OW would likely only happen if he's got some kind of flexible job where the day off won't be noticed by anyone.

But over all - you're right.  If he wanted to make time for you, he'd find a way.   You are in third place behind his wife and kids and this isn't going to change. 

[BaileyB]

Are you seriously asking why he would take a day off to spend time with his kids when they are sick but not take time off to be with you? 

Does the fact that he doesn’t make time for you any other time than when he has some down time at work and he leaves you hanging if something urgent happens at work and he is not able to meet as planned not tell you where you rank in his priorities?

1. Kids/family
2. Work
3.
4.
5. Affair partner

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

if he really wanted to he would book a day off every now and then

You expect him to miss work to have an extramarital affair? That’s a pretty entitled expectation.

Look, if he is not finding the time to spend together and you are unhappy, maybe you should not be in a relationship with a married man. Maybe this relationship needs to end. Your expectations are out of line here. If you want a man who will make time for you and spend time with you in the evenings and on the weekends - you need to find a man who doesn’t already have a family. 

[Mizz Layta]

Again, I clearly stated that I do not expect him to spend a weekend with me or an evening with me..I asked him to meet for an hour after his shift since it's how long we usually meet expect it's during work hours....sometimes he stays late at work so I don't think a change in routine here and there is what is concerned about. Besides, we don't see other on regular basis. I just don't want to be left hanging and be stood up like the last 2 times when something came up at his work..I  don't think anyone would be content with that, affair or not...But one thing I know that the situation isn't working out for me and is only causing me heartache and I have to end it and walk away

Edited March 11, 2022 by Mizz Layta

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

Again, I clearly stated that I do not expect him to spend a weekend with me or an evening with me..I asked him to meet for an hour after his shift since it's how long we usually meet expect it's during work hours....sometimes he stays late at work so I don't think a change in routine here and there is what is concerned about. Besides, we don't see other on regular basis. I just don't want to be left hanging and be stood up like the last 2 times when something came up at his work..I do don't think anyone would be content with that, affair or not...But one thing I know that the situation isn't working out for me and is only causing me heartache and I have to end it and walk away

It’s been a year so far. That’s a long time to be living like this. You could be spending your life with a man who is head over heels for you, not this.

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Mizz Layta said:

i'm just wondering why he wont meet for even an hour after work and insist we meet while he is working when it's not guaranteed.

Because his wife is going to get suspicious if he is going to start coming late home. How do you expect him to weasel out of this predicament with her? He obviously doesn't want his wife to find out about his "extracurricular" activities.

 

15 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I asked him to meet for an hour after his shift since it's how long we usually meet expect it's during work hours....sometimes he stays late at work so I don't think a change in routine here and there is what is concerned about.

Again, his wife comes first to him. He DOES NOT want her to find out about his affair. If he is late at work, she can reach him there anytime I would guess. If he is late with you, then he is out of reach and would have to somehow explain his absence to her. The more he starts coming home late, the more she is going to get suspicious. 

[Alvi]

19 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I just don't want to be left hanging and be stood up like the last 2 times when something came up at his work.

Well, what can I say. Stop being a sidepiece to a married guy and find someone single.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I just don't want to be left hanging and be stood up like the last 2 times when something came up at his work..I  don't think anyone would be content with that, affair or not...

No, nobody should be content with that. If that’s what he is doing it is up to you to end it. 

32 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

One thing I know that the situation isn't working out for me and is only causing me heartache and I have to end it and walk away

This is it. An hour after work isn’t going to bring you happiness and if it does, you need to raise your standards. 

[Mizz Layta]

Would it be rude to just block his number or should I give him the courtesy of telling him goodbye before blocking him?

Edited March 11, 2022 by Mizz Layta

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

Would it be rude to just block his number or should I give him the courtesy of telling him goodbye before blocking him?

Is this already in the slow fade as in he’s no longer contacting you and is avoiding meeting up? You mentioned you don’t meet on a regular basis and the last few attempts he’s declined. If so, there’s nothing to say. It sounds like he wouldn’t care if he saw you again. 

If he does tend to contact or message you then mention something along the lines of: “This isn’t working for me and I’m moving on. Wishing you all the best.”

In both instances regardless block and delete. 

 

[Alvi]

33 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

Would it be rude to just block his number or should I give him the courtesy of telling him goodbye before blocking him?

Usually I say it is rude to just block someone. But in your case, not at all. He is a married jerk, who is having an affair. So no, he does not deserve any courtesy call whatsoever. Go for it. No goodbyes needed. Don't worry about hurting his feelings because he has very little regard for you. Just block him and move on from there. Surely, there must be a single guy somewhere for you.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Mizz Layta said:

i'm just wondering why he wont meet for even an hour after work and insist we meet while he is working when it's not guaranteed. I just wanted firmer plans

If you're actually happy continuing an affair vs. a "stronger" relationship, then tell him what you want and why you want it. If he won't give you that ask why and ask how it could change or how you both could do things slightly differently so that your needs are better met.

Communication of your needs/desires when they're not being met + insisting on having them met to a reasonable degree is key in any relationship, affair or no.

 

Edit: I see now that you're thinking of ending it. If a non-commited relationship is genuinely not meeting your needs or making you happy (reasonably common in affairs), there's certainly nothing wrong with ending it, either.

Edited March 11, 2022 by mark clemson