Would a MM make time and spend real time with you if he really wanted to?

[anika99]

I've read lots of stories on this board where the MM has made time for his OW outside of working hours. It certainly can be done so the only explanation here is that your MM does not want to make that time for you. From what you described he sees the affair as an itch that needs scratching from time to time and once he gets that itch scratched you are out of sight and out of mind. He's not going to take a day off work to see you because he doesn't want to have to spend a day with you.

People in lousy relationship situation always waste so much precious time trying to figure out the other person's mind and intentions when that shouldn't even be a consideration. I can't fathom what you can possibly be getting from this situation. It sounds so demoralizing and demeaning. It doesn't matter what your MM is thinking or doing, what matters is what you are doing. It's your job to make the most of your life and to attend to your wellbeing. Nobody is going to take responsibility for your happiness, least of all your MM. This affair is not healthy for you and so the real question is what are you going to do about it? How long are you going to disrespect yourself by remaining in this affair? 

[BaileyB]

You can wait around for however long trying to figure out what he is thinking and trying to cajole him into giving you and hour of his time after work or to take a day off to spend with you… but at the end of it all, he will go home to his wife and children and spend his life creating memories with his family and you will have what exactly? 

As was said above, I have absolutely no idea what you are getting from this affair and I would never settle for so little from any man - 

[Prudence V]

On 3/10/2022 at 10:13 PM, Mizz Layta said:

would a MM make time and spend real time with you if he really wanted to?

Yes. 
 

It sounds from your description that you are being treated abominably in this arrangement. That his his choice, to do so, and yours, to accept it. 

[Amethyst68]

To me it sounds like you've read stories and have the expectation of being able to have dates and trips away with your MM. The problem with that is you chose to have an affair with a man whose life and job don't support that lifestyle. 

This man sounds like a lot of people who live regular lives. Lives where couples have to closely coordinate things like after school care or who can look after the children during school breaks. Where leave is closely counted in case of emergencies such as sick days etc. 

This isn't someone who travels for work or who makes his own schedule. 

[S2B]

Why are you settling for so little?

why not date a single/available guy?

[Vivalavi]

In my experience, MM would make time at the beginning then not so much. I would be lucky if he found 30 minutes after work. We work at the same field and I know he could adjust and see me for longer if he left work earlier. I often bend backwards to see him. He not so much. Also, after reading a lot on this forum, it seem pretty common thing for MM.

 

[Bubble_20]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

In my experience, MM would make time at the beginning then not so much. I would be lucky if he found 30 minutes after work. We work at the same field and I know he could adjust and see me for longer if he left work earlier. I often bend backwards to see him. He not so much. Also, after reading a lot on this forum, it seem pretty common thing for MM.

 

Yes. In the beginning MM does all the leg work and puts a lot of energy in. Once ‘hooked’ the roles reverse and OW then seems to do all the chasing.
If there is any indication that MM might be losing interest (slow response to text/calls, last minute cancelling of meet ups) anxiety and doubt is raised and this chasing behaviour intensifies. It’s pathetic really and I say that with kindness as I was that OW!

I think that unless the OW in a ‘situation’ like this is savvy enough to ensure her own needs are being met, it’s a road to nowhere. I very rarely see that on here though. Because they compromise themselves (always being accessible, willing to change their own plans at the drop of a hat to accommodate MM never get the same consideration back). 
Unwittingly they become less appealing and predictable. It’s a no win situation in 99% of cases. 

 

[Vivalavi]

1 hour ago, Bubble_20 said:

Yes. In the beginning MM does all the leg work and puts a lot of energy in. Once ‘hooked’ the roles reverse and OW then seems to do all the chasing.
If there is any indication that MM might be losing interest (slow response to text/calls, last minute cancelling of meet ups) anxiety and doubt is raised and this chasing behaviour intensifies. It’s pathetic really and I say that with kindness as I was that OW!

I think that unless the OW in a ‘situation’ like this is savvy enough to ensure her own needs are being met, it’s a road to nowhere. I very rarely see that on here though. Because they compromise themselves (always being accessible, willing to change their own plans at the drop of a hat to accommodate MM never get the same consideration back). 
Unwittingly they become less appealing and predictable. It’s a no win situation in 99% of cases. 

 

The thing is - it's the beginning love bombing and interest that keeps you hooked. Gosh, I can't believe all pathetic things I did when he went distant afterwards. Chasing and all. Total confusion over how he can go from a total interest to almost nothing.  Unfortunately, I'm still there. Stuck. 

Do MM actually want and enjoy that chasing from OM? Is it done on purpose? 

Your post could not be more true.

Edited March 16, 2022 by Vivalavi
Grammar

[Bubble_20]

34 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

The thing is - it's the beginning love bombing and interest that keeps you hooked. Gosh, I can't believe all pathetic things I did when he went distant afterwards. Chasing and all. Total confusion over how he can go from a total interest to almost nothing.  Unfortunately, I'm still there. Stuck. 

Do MM actually want and enjoy that chasing from OM? Is it done on purpose? 

Your post could be more true.

I don’t think any of us (MM/MW included) enter into these situations intentionally wanting to hurt anyone. That’s just the outcome unfortunately, in so many of the threads you read on here.
In hindsight it seems inevitable that these side relationships will crash and burn. The ground they are precariously built upon is constantly shifting. 

Unlike a normal relationship/friendship, the barriers (one or both of you already being in a committed relationship!) intensify the desire. Wanting what you can’t have, not being in possession of the full facts of what’s going on in their life (you only hear their side don’t forget) and the uncertainty of their feelings (push-pull behaviours) all make for a toxic person addiction. 

The once frequent love bombing texts, calls or regular hang outs are now becoming intermittent. Rather than piss us off, these bread crumbs of affection feel like a shot in the arm. The addiction is real and we are chasing!

In an affair situation it can seem like you’re both on a equal footing - madly in love and dreaming of a life together. If only things were different? Briefly the kids, wives/husbands extended family etc are forgotten. The dream is real… For a bit anyway. 
At some point, depending on how long it’s been going on there comes a shift. Reality sets in and decisions are made - usually without proper communication with the OW who is left wondering what the F happened?? Breaking up a family is not that romantic after all… 
 

Edited March 16, 2022 by Bubble_20

[SS2855]

On 3/16/2022 at 1:01 PM, Bubble_20 said:

I don’t think any of us (MM/MW included) enter into these situations intentionally wanting to hurt anyone. That’s just the outcome unfortunately, in so many of the threads you read on here.
In hindsight it seems inevitable that these side relationships will crash and burn. The ground they are precariously built upon is constantly shifting. 

Unlike a normal relationship/friendship, the barriers (one or both of you already being in a committed relationship!) intensify the desire. Wanting what you can’t have, not being in possession of the full facts of what’s going on in their life (you only hear their side don’t forget) and the uncertainty of their feelings (push-pull behaviours) all make for a toxic person addiction. 

The once frequent love bombing texts, calls or regular hang outs are now becoming intermittent. Rather than piss us off, these bread crumbs of affection feel like a shot in the arm. The addiction is real and we are chasing!

In an affair situation it can seem like you’re both on a equal footing - madly in love and dreaming of a life together. If only things were different? Briefly the kids, wives/husbands extended family etc are forgotten. The dream is real… For a bit anyway. 
At some point, depending on how long it’s been going on there comes a shift. Reality sets in and decisions are made - usually without proper communication with the OW who is left wondering what the F happened?? Breaking up a family is not that romantic after all… 
 

Perfectly said. THIS. The entire experience for me felt like I was in a washing machine- bouncing around mentally all over the place. The highest of highs and lowest of lows. The crumbs of even the slightest attention (could be just a love bomb text message) gave me the “fix” I needed to enjoy my day regardless of what I had planned. Every day for 3 years… every single moment analyzing every last word and action. Where ex-MM and I differed though is that I truly believe he thought we were the PERFECT match and while he chose to stay in his marriage, he believed if we were together we’d have been perfect. I however know in my heart that as crazy I was about him (and frankly still am) we would have gone through our problems, sex wouldn’t always be as heightened, and truth be told he wouldn’t be able to meet my needs I don’t believe even if we were in a legitimate relationship (he shuts down at times and a classic avoidant). Anyhow it’s all just so toxic and all consuming, and feels virtually impossible to move on from because of the distortion.

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, SS2855 said:

Perfectly said. THIS. The entire experience for me felt like I was in a washing machine- bouncing around mentally all over the place. The highest of highs and lowest of lows. The crumbs of even the slightest attention (could be just a love bomb text message) gave me the “fix” I needed to enjoy my day regardless of what I had planned. Every day for 3 years… every single moment analyzing every last word and action. Where ex-MM and I differed though is that I truly believe he thought we were the PERFECT match and while he chose to stay in his marriage, he believed if we were together we’d have been perfect. I however know in my heart that as crazy I was about him (and frankly still am) we would have gone through our problems, sex wouldn’t always be as heightened, and truth be told he wouldn’t be able to meet my needs I don’t believe even if we were in a legitimate relationship (he shuts down at times and a classic avoidant). Anyhow it’s all just so toxic and all consuming, and feels virtually impossible to move on from because of the distortion.

In my case, I think he could have left his marriage. He just couldn’t get past the idea of being a part time dad to his kids. The sobering moment of what actually needs to happen to ‘make the dream real’ takes the shine off any fantastic love affair you both believe you’re in.

tThey would probably have never accepted a new ‘relationship’. He did the right thing… I just wish I hadn’t stuck around for so many years while he came to this obvious conclusion. 

Edited March 18, 2022 by Bubble_20

[pepperbird2]

On 3/10/2022 at 7:01 PM, Mizz Layta said:

We met at my former job..I understand kids come first as it should but can't he take a day off for me sometimes if all is well at home?

You're looking at the affair from the perspective of a single person who prioritizes the relationship because it's the only one in your life.
Him? His wife and kids come first. 
Please think about that- it's not just his kids, but his wife will come first, because that's when his (skewed) priorities lie