Is my girlfriend's jealousy something we can overcome?

[tito1501]

Dear all,

My age is 29 and my girlfriend is 23, we are both living abroad together.

I met my girlfriend when I already had a very good job and pretty consolidated social life in the city we live in. She arrived much later and still did not find a job and has very few friends. That has to do with the fact that she is new to the city and does not dominate the native language yet: understandable. I shared this as in my opinion it can be an extra factor for her insecurity.

Every other day she gets upset with me for several different reasons:

I am very open and communicative towards other girls, she gets insecure even when she is with me : Well, what can I do if this is my nature ? I never flirt with other girls and I have always been like this and that is why I got a nice job in sales.. I like talking to people and I can do that without being disrespectful to my partner. 

I am always checking other girl's bodies when we walk around the city -    I am working on it even though I know only sometimes I looked quickly without noticing and I know that even this is disrespectful.

I was watching porn and she hates it - When I go to a business trip for example I like to watch it but after a nice conversation we had, I understood how detrimental that can be to a relationship and now for quite some time I have stopped watching it. That is just to show that I am working hard on things to improve her confidence.

HOWEVER

Every time now when we go out with friends, she complains about something. She complains that I am talking to everyone on the table except her, she complains that I am talking only to an specific girl. Always Always Always she finds something that annoys her. It does not matter how many times I explain to her this is not true, matters just get worse and worse.

Yesterday we were at a dinner with other people and she got attached to this idea that I was always looking to a girl (that was not even close to attractive to me - and had a boyfriend). I got super upset because I have been working on the other topics above mentioned and she just gets worse...

The reason I am writing here is because I know that if she will be like this forever, we are definitely going downhill and the relationship will not work out. I do not know if the fact that she is still not working or studying in the city (this will change in September when she transfer her studies here) is the main factor for her insecurity... and... if she improves her life here things will improve...

Or.. if this is not the case, how can I set my boundaries so I can simply go to a dinner with her and other friends and not get concerned all the time if she will be jealous about me again. This is so frustrating. I really cannot handle that anymore. I just want a girlfriend that trusts me. All the rest about her is just perfect. She is honest, wonderful, loving and all the other good stuff.. If only she got more secure....

Thank you so much for considering my topic and for supporting.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, tito1501 said:

My age is 29 and my girlfriend is 23, we are both living abroad together.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Why did she move there without a job or fluency in the language? Do you live together?

You seem contemptuous, tied down and burdened by her.

She seems homesick and unhappy.

Maybe it's best if she could go back home? 

[tito1501]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Why did she move there without a job or fluency in the language? Do you live together?

You seem contemptuous, tied down and burdened by her.

She seems homesick and unhappy.

Maybe it's best if she could go back home? 

Thanks for insight.

She came to Spain as a tourist and we met via Tinder and stayed together since then.  As after a few months together we saw we were really in love, I suggested she could live with me in my flat and look for her uni and work here.. she has been tirelessly working on settling here with work and Uni, but not very easy if you do not speak Spanish.
We are about two years together now.

I am open if she wants to go back home but when I talk to her she says she is very happy here and that she loves me. I just think that as she left everything behind to stay with me, this has increased her insecurity a lot. Me on the other side feel super secure, probably because she is now so insecure.

[glows]

Why don’t you tell her everything you just wrote here and mention to her that she will have to trust you? 

I don’t see anything wrong at all speaking with people of the opposite sex and being sociable.

Staring at women’s bodies however is usually considered rude and objectifying.

Regarding porn, that’s up to the both of you. Happy couples also watch porn, both men and women, so that’s a discussion between your partner and you. If you tend to get swept up in fantasies and can’t separate reality and intimacy in real life from porn then yes, that is a problem. 

It seems you’ve classed each other and already typed one another as the womanizer and the insecure one. Both of you need to break down those types if you trust and love or want this to work.

Unfortunately you cannot and I repeat, you absolutely cannot, give another person confidence or self-esteem. Those come from within and it’s a mistake to be dating a jealous, insecure person. 

Keep posting and let us know how it goes or what you decide.

 

[smackie9]

You need to open you eyes, and stop being selfish. I feel at this time you are being insensitive to her situation. You refuse to put yourself in her shoes and understand how she feels. She has no friends, she only has you at this time and that isn't her fault. Anyone would feel inferior to other women when she can't understand your conversation you are having, and most likely don't bother to try and include her as best you can. You are insensitive to her need to fit in, adjust, and navigate with her new surrounding. If you temporarily change your behaviour, be more receptive to her needs and thoughtfully be more attentive until she gets her life more set up, she won't be like this anymore.

IMO she is not the insecure type, she is just being insecure to this new life she is adjusting to. Yes this will take a little time, but jezzzzzzzzzzzz give her a break

Edited March 12, 2022 by smackie9

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/12/2022 at 1:00 PM, tito1501 said:

I am always checking other girl's bodies when we walk around the city -    I am working on it

OP, come on. What is there is "work on"? Just don't do it. Surely you have better self-control by the age of 29. 

[BaileyB]

On 3/12/2022 at 6:00 AM, tito1501 said:

I just want a girlfriend that trusts me.

Well then, you need to be trustworthy.

Yes, you should be able to have a friendly conversation with others in the presence of your girlfriend. That said, you should not be conversing with others if your girlfriend is not a part of the conversation and/or focused/flirting with other women.

You are a man, of course you are going to notice other women but you don’t have to ogle their bodies as they walk by or comment to your girlfriend. 

And yes, you can watch porn but not instead/at the expense of your sex life. 

Unfortunately, the two of you seem to trigger each other’s insecurities. She is perhaps being a little unreasonable  but as was said above, it’s understandable considering she has no other friends and does not speak the language. Based on your description, you could be a little more respectful to your girlfriend. Perhaps, with a little more maturity you will both come to understand what I’m saying. 

Edited March 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

On 3/12/2022 at 7:31 AM, tito1501 said:

I am open if she wants to go back home but when I talk to her she says she is very happy here and that she loves me.

You don't even sound that into this relationship.  You would be totally fine with her going back home, but "she says she loves you"

This sounds like a rather one-sided relationship.  It's also a very unhealthy situation.  This 23-year-old girl doesn't work, doesn't go to school, is doing nothing but living with you, doesn't speak the language of the country so basically she is just glued to you all the time and annoying you more and more?  She needs to grow up, get out there and make a life for herself in this country, or go back home.  And if you're not even as into her as she is into you, then you should tell her to go back home.  Stop wasting her time.  

[Wiseman2]

On 3/12/2022 at 7:31 AM, tito1501 said:

She came to Spain as a tourist and we met via Tinder and stayed together since then. but not very easy if you do not speak Spanish.We are about two years together now.

She was 21 and young and naïve when this happened. Eventually she will get homesick and want her independence after this youthful adventure is over.

[Pumpernickel]

On 3/12/2022 at 7:00 AM, tito1501 said:

I do not know if the fact that she is still not working or studying in the city (this will change in September when she transfer her studies here) is the main factor for her insecurity...

Well, things might improve once she gets a "life of her own", with studying for exams, going to classes, and maybe a job. Right now she's got nothing in this country but you, so yes, it's normal that she relies on you a lot. And maybe she feels like she has given up a lot to be with you (her home, friends and family), and therefore expects you to be 100% focused on her, which is a lot of pressure on you, I get it. But try to see her side as well. She did sacrifice a lot.

You didn't say where your GF is originally from, but if she is an EU citizen, she will be allowed to work in Spain, so maybe she can try to get some kind of a part time job, even if her Spanish isn't great yet. Maybe something where she can use her native language, like language teaching and stuff. She would make a few Euros, meet new people, and that can make her feel better about herself already. She could also look up websites that connect expats. Maybe she can find friends online through meetup groups, friends from her home country who speak her language and live close to her. She'll feel less lonely, and it may help her learn the language as well. Just a few thoughts.    

Also: Don't ogle other women. It's disrespectful. Checking out women's bodies when you walk through town with your GF is just terrible manners, no matter where you guys are from, seriously. Knock it off.

Edited March 13, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[S2B]

You can’t fix this for her - it’s her problem. If she is unwilling to do the work on herself that makes her so insecure - then let her go! Life is WAY too short to live with unreasonable jealousy.

she has problems. You can not solve those problems for her.