My roommate/friend nearly broke my arm for no good reason and now I am in chronic pain. Don't know how to proceed

[firefly11]

Hello,

I started living with my roommate since June 2019 for uni. Skipped the pandemic and starting September 2021 we were back together. We never really had problems with each other. Sometimes we cooked together and ordered food. We chatted for a bit everyday of the week. No major disagreements or anything really. 

4 months ago, one day, after she came back to the room, she told me to come check with her because she thought there was a cat behind the entrance door of the apartment. I followed her to check and turned my phone light on because there was no light outside. Without really thinking, I told here to joke: oh look it's behind you. Didn't really think about it I just did it for the joke. I thought she would just get startled and the joke/small prank would pass. Instead, she came to me and hit me very hard 4 times, on the location where my arm was formerly operated 17 years ago when I was a child (because of a broken arm). She didn't choose to hit on this location on purpose, however, hitting me was done on purpose. I managed to break free from her and ran back to the room. IDK was she had on her hand but she was nearly going to throw it on me so instinctively I knelt down and covered my head. She came back to her senses and did not end up throwing it on me. She then acted like nothing happened and just went back and lay down on her bed and did stuff on her laptop. I went to the kitchen to grab some ice to put on my arm. After this I put back the ice and came back to the room. IDK why I acted like nothing happened. I just thought she did so jokingly and that it wasn't anything too bad, even though I was in pain. She came to me and showed me something and started laughing, I felt this was to attenuate what she did as if to say, oh it was nothing, we're just gonna continue normally.

The second day in the morning, I told her my arm was still hurting after she hit me. She replied: "I hurt you? You dreamed that I hurt you?" come on I'm sure nothing happened to you. I said okay never mind. What a gaslighting attempt. The same night, she entered to the room and said "Hii how are you?" as usual. I started crying and told her my arm hurt really bad where she hit me 4 times. She then just said "What can I do for you? Do you want some food? I can recommend a good doctor". I said I didn't want anything from her and just went to sleep. I did an Xray and my arm was not broken. The family doctor told me she found the whole situation to be weird. She found it puzzling that she didn't apologize. I told her I didn't want to remain friends with her. She replied I should communicate with her about it. My arm was stiff and I lost flexion in it (can't get my wrist to my shoulder). Before, I was able to flex it except for a like 5 centimeters even after my old operation.

After the orthopedic surgeon saw me, he said I might have a hairline fracture (small fracture) and he recommended to start physical therapy. It improved my flexion but pain is still there. I'm gonna go back to him and he might prescribe further imaging. I started distancing myself from her and she acted like she didn't know why. Or she really didn't know why. A few days later, in an effort to communicate, I told her I have a PT session today for my arm to which she replied: "oh really!", her head facing away from me. She then understood why I was acting that way. We remain friendly as to maintain an atmosphere free from tension but I feel the friendship is over. I have been in pain and unable to use my arm for months now. I tried to just keep acting friendly but seeing how slow the recovery is , all I can think is my pain and how difficult even washing my dishes is. Also can't do sports. Don't have the energy to save this relationship honestly and don't see the point.

I had never pranked her or anything like that, so it wasn't like I was continuously harassing her till she broke. Also it wasn't like I premeditated about how to bother her with my prank for hours beforehand.  Also, she was close to me at the moment I told her the cat was behind her. I thought she could have pushed me or shoved me or something, I didn't see the point for doing what she did. Also, while I was in the emergency room, she posted on Instagram a Tiktok video that said: Short girls react so scarily. (haha, lol.) It is as if she thought I deserved it so it doesn't warrant an apology or something. The reasoning doesn't stand, I thought, if she slightly annoyed her fiance or something, would it be ok for him to punch her in the face? No. She surely thought about that and seems okay with me distancing myself from her. I still didn't tell my mom what happened. We were good friends and don't want to start hating her. I might tell her in the future.

Thank you for reading this long text. What are your thoughts about the situation and the doctor's opinion? Do you think I am right in ending the relationship?

Edited March 12, 2022 by firefly11
Clarifications

[Wiseman2]

Go to an ER to check it out and for documentation. Explain you were assaulted and file a police report. 

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go to an ER to check it out and for documentation. Explain you were assaulted and file a police report. 

I know but wouldn't the roommate claim self defense and say she didn't know she was being pranked, therefore her reflexes made her strike OP 4 times?  Unfortunately you never know what is going to be the response when you prank someone.  

 

25 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I started crying and told her my arm hurt really bad where she hit me 4 times. She then just said "What can I do for you? Do you want some food? I can recommend a good doctor". I said I didn't want anything from her and just went to sleep.

Why didn't you accept her help at this point?

[glows]

Was she aware about your previous injury? 

You’re still living with her as roommates. I wouldn’t waste energy figuring whether you’re friends. If you can’t stand her look for other accommodation. Everything else appears to be white noise. Ignore or mute her so you don’t see any of her news feeds or updates on social media.

Is this a shared rental for school or on campus?  

As for your arm itself, follow the doctor’s instructions and get a second opinion if you need to. You really ought to have seen a doctor that same day or day after. I hope you heal well from this fracture. Hairline fractures are still painful.

[firefly11]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why didn't you accept her help at this point?

I had just eaten and didn't need her help. I already knew the doctor I was going to go to. She was just doing this to make herself feel better to relieve herself of any accountability. The second day while I was at the ER she posted an insta story about whatever as if it was a joke. 

 

[firefly11]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Was she aware about your previous injury? 

She was but didn't strike there on purpose. She just wanted to hit me and it was apparent because after she was done she followed me when I got away from her.

 

18 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re still living with her as roommates. I wouldn’t waste energy figuring whether you’re friends. If you can’t stand her look for other accommodation. Everything else appears to be white noise. Ignore or mute her so you don’t see any of her news feeds or updates on social media.

Thank you. I think trusting one's gut is important. 

 

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Is this a shared rental for school or on campus?  

Shared rental not associated with the school

 

18 minutes ago, glows said:

 As for your arm itself, follow the doctor’s instructions and get a second opinion if you need to. You really ought to have seen a doctor that same day or day after. I hope you heal well from this fracture. Hairline fractures are still painful.

Yes I will. Till now everything seems to be going according to protocol. I will see if I need a second opinion after I do more imaging. I did go to the ER a couple days later. Because it wasn't broken, I thought it would heal on its own, so I just let time do its thing. I went to the doctor two months later after healing didn't look that promising. This type of injury is long term (over months), I was told by medical professionals, they didn't criticize me for not coming earlier because of the long term nature (it's a matter of months not days or weeks).  Thank you.

Edited March 12, 2022 by firefly11
addition

[glows]

I don’t agree with any form of hitting. It’s what children do before they are taught to communicate effectively by adults or use language to convey thoughts and emotions more accurately. An adult playfully hitting, even a young adult, just seems backward or cognitively lacking. 

Playful hitting can always go wrong as has happened in your case. I’m very sorry this is happening to you and it’s best to communicate with her your injury and avoid close contact with anyone if you know you’re predisposed to further injury. 

I’m wishing you speedy healing and better communication with your roommate.

Edited March 12, 2022 by glows

[firefly11]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I don’t agree with any form of hitting. It’s what children do before they are taught to communicate effectively by adults or use language to convey thoughts and emotions more accurately. An adult playfully hitting, even a young adult, just seems backward or cognitively lacking. 

Playful hitting can always go wrong as has happened in your case. I’m very sorry this is happening to you and it’s best to communicate with her your injury and avoid close contact with anyone if you know you’re predisposed to further injury. 

I’m wishing you speedy healing and better communication with your roommate.

I wish it was playful. Playful hitting is never very hard or filled with anger.

Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I did go to the ER a couple days later. Because it wasn't broken, I thought it would heal on its own, so I just let time do its thing. I went to the doctor two months later after healing didn't look that promising. This type of injury is long term (over months), I was told by medical professionals, they didn't criticize me for not coming earlier because of the long term nature (it's a matter of months not days or weeks).

Contact a personal injury attorney, if you don' t want her arrested for assault. Perhaps you can get some of the medically related bills paid.

It doesn't matter that you startled her. If you were injured enough to need medical attention it's assault.

Edited March 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[firefly11]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Contact a personal injury attorney, if you don' t want her arrested for assault. Perhaps you can get some of the medically related bills paid.

It doesn't matter that you startled her. If you were injured enough to need medical attention it's assault.

For various reasons I do not wish to discuss here I most likely won't. I will see however. Also I don't think this exists where I am.

I have full health coverage fortunately.

Edited March 12, 2022 by firefly11

[glows]

3 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I wish it was playful. Playful hitting is never very hard or filled with anger.

Thank you.

That’s disturbing. Avoid her as much as possible and look at moving. Don’t pay attention to any nonsense she posts on social media. Do you have other friends you can visit or hang out with? 

[stillafool]

At this point you should move or look for a new roommate because she is probably thinking the same and you don't want to be left holding the rent.  It's clear this frienship is over. Hope you a speedy recovery with your arm and court case.

[firefly11]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

At this point you should move or look for a new roommate because she is probably thinking the same and you don't want to be left holding the rent.  It's clear this frienship is over. Hope you a speedy recovery with your arm and court case.

She won't move out. I feel bad our relationship got broken in such a way but things happen. Thank you.

[ShyViolet]

I think all you can do at this point is stop being friends with her, and you should very bluntly tell her why.  Tell her "you assaulted me, you hurt my arm and I have a lasting injury from it.  And worst of all you have refused to acknowledge that it happened and you're gaslighting me by acting like nothing happened and telling me that "I'm fine".  I'm not fine, it's not ok, and I don't feel comfortable being friends with you anymore."  And then stick to it.  Move on with your life, go about your business, and ignore her.

[Ha-ha]

Come on. She was startled. Her reaction might be extreme but you brought it onto yourself by pranking.  Assault is an over reaction from litigious society like the US. 
 

Don’t prank people, you don’t know what would happen. As to your question, lesson learnt, move on. If the pain continues, since you have full insurance coverage, go and see a doctor. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, firefly11 said:

She won't move out. 

Why not start looking for places yourself? Take care of your physical and mental health. 

Don't expect bullies to be empathetic. 

Is this a romantic situation or just roommates? Either way, you don't want to do anything about it, so your opinion is to find another place.

[firefly11]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not start looking for places yourself? Take care of your physical and mental health. 

Don't expect bullies to be empathetic. 

Is this a romantic situation or just roommates? Either way, you don't want to do anything about it, so your opinion is to find another place.

No just roommate. I am moving out soon and don't have many options for now due to cost.

 

Edited March 13, 2022 by firefly11

[firefly11]

3 hours ago, Ha-ha said:

Come on. She was startled. Her reaction might be extreme but you brought it onto yourself by pranking.  Assault is an over reaction from litigious society like the US. 
 

Don’t prank people, you don’t know what would happen. As to your question, lesson learnt, move on. If the pain continues, since you have full insurance coverage, go and see a doctor. 

I see your reasoning, she got startled and hit as I was close, however I see no reason for why she continued to 4-5 times and with significantly increasing force with each additional blow other than to injure me. She even followed me and grabbed something to throw on my head when I succeeded at getting away, and immediately acted normal and didn't ask me to apologize for the prank because I got a punishment over and above and the blame would be on her. It was clear the  punishment was disproportionate. Didn't even try to discuss it with me because in this situation it's clear the blame would go to her, and it's clear from the gaslighting attempt that she wouldn't have an acceptable explanation so she just acted like nothing happened. Thanks for ur response.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

 grabbed something to throw on my head when I succeeded at getting away, and immediately acted normal and didn't ask me to apologize for the prank because I got a punishment over and above and the blame would be on her. It was clear the  punishment was disproportionate. 

Take care of your own mental and physical health and arm. It's never ok to blame the victim of abuse, bullying or assault. You are not going to pursue anything legally or criminally, so you'll have to avoid each other rather than playing roomie/buddies. When people do not stand for their rights it signals that assault is ok. But you do whatever you believe is ok for you. Never heard of an altercation being described in terms of "prank" and "punishment". It's like saying abuse is ok. But only you know what happened and what you wish to do about it.

Edited March 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[firefly11]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Take care of your own mentally and physical health and arm. It's never ok to blame the victim of abuse, bullying or assault. You are not going to pursue anything legally or criminally, so you'll have to avoid each other rather than playing roomie/buddies. When people do not stand for their rights it signals that assault is ok. But you do whatever you believe is ok for you. Never heard of an altercation being described in terms of crime and "punishment".

I am describing how she sees it. Because when I cried out about how she hit me multiple times, she just asked: I went up to you and hit you simply like that? Signalling that I got what I deserved. I understand she could strike one blow/push me away from being startled and then ask me not to repeat this kind of joke again (which in my mind was not a malicious prank btw it just happened spontaneously, I agree that many pranks are not good and harmful). I haven't been talking to her but she has been acting like nothing happened probably to try and make amends like offering popcorn and chatting me up because it's clear she is at fault here. She didn't try to formulate an apology because if I responded and applied it to other situation it is clear her reaction was inappropriate and she would have no good response. If I asked her what would you do if you said a non-harmful or malicious joke/prank to your fiancé/partner/... or you startled him accidentally, would it be okay for him to hit you from surprise, and multiple times at that?

I stopped my sympathetic behaviours with her and other than hi/bye just act as if I were alone in the room. For example I used to offer her spices to put on her food now I just stopped. You make an important point here. Also I will see how I will eventually confront her about it. However she looks like she simply doesn't want to engage in the conversation because what was done was done and it looks like she doesn't want to change the perception of herself. I told her I am going to PT for my arm to get some kind of reaction but got nothing. Will see how this unfolds. Thank you for offering your thoughts. I will update you if anything happens.

[vla1120]

8 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I am describing how she sees it. Because when I cried out about how she hit me multiple times, she just asked: I went up to you and hit you simply like that? Signalling that I got what I deserved. I understand she could strike one blow/push me away from being startled and then ask me not to repeat this kind of joke again (which in my mind was not a malicious prank btw it just happened spontaneously, I agree that many pranks are not good and harmful). I haven't been talking to her but she has been acting like nothing happened probably to try and make amends like offering popcorn and chatting me up because it's clear she is at fault here. She didn't try to formulate an apology because if I responded and applied it to other situation it is clear her reaction was inappropriate and she would have no good response. If I asked her what would you do if you said a non-harmful or malicious joke/prank to your fiancé/partner/... or you startled him accidentally, would it be okay for him to hit you from surprise, and multiple times at that?

I stopped my sympathetic behaviours with her and other than hi/bye just act as if I were alone in the room. For example I used to offer her spices to put on her food now I just stopped. You make an important point here. Also I will see how I will eventually confront her about it. However she looks like she simply doesn't want to engage in the conversation because what was done was done and it looks like she doesn't want to change the perception of herself. I told her I am going to PT for my arm to get some kind of reaction but got nothing. Will see how this unfolds. Thank you for offering your thoughts. I will update you if anything happens.

Considering how much time has passed since the incident, I'm not sure it's even worthwhile to bring it up to her again, considering how she acted the next day. Her (over)reaction was extreme considering the mildness of your prank. Is she deathly afraid of cats? Regardless, it's never okay to strike someone the way she hit you, prank or no prank. 

How much longer do you have on this lease? Hopefully, you can move out at the end of the semester and be done with it. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I am describing how she sees it. You make an important point here. Also I will see how I will eventually confront her about it.

There's no point seeking an apology. People who bully and assault people do not apologize.

Focus on looking for new housing options. You're too emotionally involved with her. 

[firefly11]

23 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Considering how much time has passed since the incident, I'm not sure it's even worthwhile to bring it up to her again, considering how she acted the next day. Her (over)reaction was extreme considering the mildness of your prank. Is she deathly afraid of cats? Regardless, it's never okay to strike someone the way she hit you, prank or no prank. 

How much longer do you have on this lease? Hopefully, you can move out at the end of the semester and be done with it. 

No she has never told me she is afrais of cats. She always brought them up neutrally. Thank you for your input. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to write an answer on the forum.

I am moving out mid-May or beginning of June. 

 

[firefly11]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no point seeking an apology. People who bully and assault people do not apologize.

Focus on looking for new housing options. You're too emotionally involved with her. 

Thank you for your input it has been valuable. I am moving out in May or beginning of June. Can't before due to logistics and cost.

[stillafool]

44 minutes ago, firefly11 said:

I told her I am going to PT for my arm to get some kind of reaction but got nothing.

Stop dropping hints and beating around the bush and come out and tell her how you feel.  Just tell her this:

 

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 you should very bluntly tell her why.  Tell her "you assaulted me, you hurt my arm and I have a lasting injury from it.  And worst of all you have refused to acknowledge that it happened and you're gaslighting me by acting like nothing happened and telling me that "I'm fine".  I'm not fine, it's not ok, and I don't feel comfortable being friends with you anymore."  And then stick to it.  Move on with your life, go about your business, and ignore her.