Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[John Glasby]

Hi everyone, I will try to keep this short, as I know there's a tendency to go on and on ... 

I am an expat working in a foreign country and fell in love with a fellow expat from another country as we arrived at the same time. We instantly hit it off and began a relationship about six-months in. We have been together for about 4.5 years. Important note here: I explained to her on Day 1 that I do not see marriage in my future, but was excited to enter a relationship if she could accept that. She did. And we have had a wonderful relationship - honestly, we've never had a serious argument, mostly due to her pleasant nature! 

Last month, seemingly out of the blue (to me), she broke it off. I sensed she'd been a little "off" for a week or so, but she wouldn't admit anything was wrong. Come to find out, over the holidays her sister back home had had a frank talk with her about "What are you doing?" being with a guy who doesn't want to marry. She admitted she always hoped I would change my mind, and it had become increasingly clear I wasn't changing. Neither of us could see a future past our leaving here, as she can't return with me to my country (permanently) unless we were married. Unfortunately, we never really talked about this - we both pretty much avoided the conversation.

I totally understand and have worried about this for some time. I lacked the courage to confront the issue and simply continued enjoying the relationship, but I'm sure it was weighing on her mind increasingly over the last few months as I've talked about retirement. 

I have to say, I'm gutted. I do love her and I know she wholeheartedly loved me, but now on the one occasion we've spoken in person since the breakup, I feel a coolness coming from her - a detachment and guardedness - that chills me to the bone. I realize trying to be "friends" is not going to work. And for all I know she may have started another relationship by now - I think she's the kind of person who always needs to be with someone. I don't know for sure, but wouldn't be that surprised. 

The fact is, I still don't want to be married, but I want her. I know that is selfish, but I have many reasons I won't go into here - it's all on me, nothing to do with her. I didn't make her feel like she was my life, but simply my partner in this chapter. That's inexcusable and I feel terrible. 

After the meetup to exchange stuff, I sent her a letter, offering a heartfelt apology for taking her for granted, thanking her for every precious moment we had together and all the love and affection, and wishing her the very best in life, while explaining that I will exit stage-left, as it hurts me too much to feel the coldness in our limited communication. I do not expect a response. She's not very good in writing, and even if she tried, I know it would be pretty guarded. I will say, when she was leaving from the exchange meet-up, we embraced and I told her that if she ever needs anything to please reach out (we are, after all, in a foreign land together), and I told her that "I didn't stop loving you just because we broke up." I genuinely mean that - I would do anything for her if she was in need. She was crying, but I can just sense she's put a wall up that will not be penetrated by word or deed. 

But does anyone have any advice for helping me move on? I honestly don't know if it's the loss of true love that's hurting me so bad, or simply the loss of that daily affection which I took for granted. We work in a small community and live just down the street from one another. That only adds to my stress level. 

My sense is that she was building up to this (and hence, moving on) for some time, whereas for me it happened in the course of one conversation - so I'm way behind her.  

I'm just heartsick. 

Thanks,

John

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You're not compatible. Perhaps you kept each other company for a while, but things had to end sooner or later.

Try not to turn this into a FWB demotion. She wants a commitment and you don't.

Sooner or later she'll start dating men who take her seriously so it's time for you to step away.

Edited March 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the only thing that will help you heal is real time and space away from her. 

As you said, being friends is not going to work and is not realistic for most exes.  As you two ulimately had different goals (even if she denied it to herself at first), this was never going to end well. Try not to beat yourself up too much; you were honest with her from the beginning about not wanting marriage, and she unfortunately made the mistake of stuffing down her own feelings and hoping you would change your mind. That is on her, not you. 

Proceed with the knowledge that this break-up was going to happen sooner or later, and it really is for the best. You wouldn't have made each other happy in the end. 

[glows]

What stands out to me most is that you’ve had years to assimilate or immerse in this country and still consider yourself a foreigner or an expat in a foreign land.

My suggestion to you: start doing what you might or could have done many many years ago and begin living like one of the locals. There is no us vs them type of thinking. This has been your home and in the same way you had always thought your girlfriend would be there or avoided the inevitable I suspect you’ve also avoided being part of the local culture.

If you have and I am wrong then busy yourself with the local community and find useful and productive things to do with your time. 

Heartbreak is painful but it’s not impossible to get through. It’s very good that you’re not giving into marriage and know what you want or don’t want. Give yourself a few weeks for this to sink in and be humble, open and engaged with the local community, find hobbies in the  town and surrounding areas, make new friends and try something new. 

[John Glasby]

Ugh. Just found out she's with someone new already, and has been with him since at least maybe a month after we broke up. I know, technically, she's free to do what she wants, but god, it hurts to know that after a 4.5 year relationship, she could get with someone else so soon. And of course, I have to wonder how long while we were together she was entertaining the thought in her mind. Just makes me sick to my stomach. 

In a way, as much as it hurts, it's good that I know, because I was entertaining thoughts of perhaps trying to get her back and be open to marriage. Thank God I didn't - I would have looked like an utter fool. Now, that door is closed for good. 

Not gonna lie, it hurts real bad. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

 I have to wonder how long while we were together she was entertaining the thought in her mind. 

Sorry this is happening. In a way you knew it was coming to an end. You wanted different things. The break-up was a long time coming because of your differences in values. So she's been checked out for a while.

It would be best to accept that it didn't work out. You're still vehemently against marriage (to her)  after almost half a decade.

Just move forward one foot in front of the other.

How did you find out she's seeing someone? It would be best to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

After this many years you both know who you are and where you stand.

[mtnbiker3000]

I was just journaling for myself and thought this particular statement might help...

·         You do not get to know her reasons, thoughts or feelings. Even if she tells you, who knows if it's true. Don’t make up stories!

Here is the rest of what I was just working on earlier today:

When you are feeling bad, remember these TRUTHS!

·         You are a good person and a good man

·         Relationships end all the time. That’s all that happened. You were incompatible

·         There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are not broken, flawed or defective in any way

·         You showed up to the relationship every day and always tried your best to make it work

·         You were OK before the relationship and you will be OK after it also

·         You can have another girlfriend if and when you want one

·         You do not get to know her reasons, thoughts or feelings. Don’t make up stories!

·         You did an EXCELLENT job of holding boundaries and recognizing when they were crossed

·         You knew when to walk away. Any sooner and you would not have had all of the information needed. Any later and you would have deepened and prolonged the pain

·         You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you

[TeddyBundy1993]

You say you are in a different country, then I suggest wrap it up and move on to you own country back ( ofcourse if it's possible) that's the only way out of it. When a relationship is good we do tend to ignore deal breakers & red flags as far as we can. Consider this chapter closed now, sure it will hurt she's already with someone else. Be sure this thought will make you sick for few weeks or even months but you gonna accept it eventually. A new environment will help you. And yes stay away from here don't fell for "FRIENDS" trap, it won't do any good to you it won't be friendship actually. Allow yourself to grieve for a while, something meaningful has ended for you give it time accept the reality and move on.  You both wanted different things in life, so it's not her fault entirely you know. Keep talking about your feeling not with any mutual friend of you both but with someone you know. 

Good luck, swallow this loss soon. Happiness will find its way in your life back again. Let her go on her own way she was not meant to be. What you need to learn from here is most women would like to marry someday. Very less women doesn't like this idea of staying unmarried, since you have decided not to marry act accordingly in a relationship bcz eventually they find a replacement soon. 

[John Glasby]

Thanks, everyone, and yes, I'm already making plans to leave at the end of the year. I can't stay in this environment and small community knowing she's just down the street with her new guy. Even though I know I am largely to blame for her feeling the need to end our relationship, the speed with which she took up with someone else leaves an aching pit in my stomach that she must have been lining that up while we were still together, and that's as close as I've ever come to being "betrayed." It really makes me physically ill, and I can't sleep through the night. I always knew it would end someday, I just never in a million years thought it would be like this. 

There'll be no communication. She never responded to the nice letter I left her (before I knew she was already with someone) and we'd already exchanged stuff. So I don't anticipate ever hearing from her, but we will inevitably see each other on the street, perhaps in a hallway at work or something. Even that is enough to drive me out of here - to paraphrase Jackson Browne, I want to go where I will never hear her name, lose my sorrow and be free again. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

 Even though I know I am largely to blame for her feeling the need to end our relationship, the speed with which she took up with someone else leaves an aching pit in my stomach that she must have been lining that up while we were still together, and that's as close as I've ever come to being "betrayed."

If it's any reassurance, she didn't necessarily line him up when she was with you.   Thing is, women often process the whole idea of leaving while still in the relationship, so when they finally make the break, they are able to hit the ground running.   If she's halfway attractive and personable, she likely got straight into dating and didn't have trouble finding someone she really liked.   I've done it myself - I met and started a relationship with my husband of 30 years only two months after leaving my first husband.  I could have done it at a month in had I met him then.

Edited March 20, 2022 by basil67

[John Glasby]

Thank you for saying that, basil. Yes, it's possible. She's very attractive and there's an active social scene here, so it's possible this developed in the weeks right after we broke up.  And I hear what you're saying - I'm sure she was mentally breaking up with me weeks or months before she actually did. 

I wish she had told me how much pain she was in, because honestly, I would have never hurt her on purpose. I was worried about how we would end it one day when it was my time to go (i.e. would we try long-distance, or what) and here she was growing progressively more unhappy in the present. I just took her for granted. 

I told her that in my letter and said if I'm ever fortunate enough to have someone else put her heart in my hands, I would strive to be a more worthy caretaker. 

I'm really sorry I hurt her; I just never envisioned I would be the one so hurt, and left with a really bad taste in my mouth. 

[BrinnM]

@John GlasbyI think your story is heartbreaking and I can somewhat relate to it on a personal level. 

 

What I want to ask you and I have to add to that that it’s always easier to look at a situation from the outside rather than being stuck in the middle - the relationship obviously had an expiration date because you would both move away from that country at some point, correct? And you especially were the one who never wanted to get married in addition to all that. My question is what was her expectation? Did she think you would eventually move away together? Or stay there together forever? 

 

Because if your stance was clear from the beginning a.k.a. you don’t want to get married and you don’t wanna stay in that country forever – yes of course she had to pivot and change her POV. She had no choice. She had to distance herself. Because she would’ve lost you no matter what. That was clear from the beginning - no matter how great you think the relationship was.

 

The only difference between you and her is that you probably would’ve stayed in the relationship until your move-away date; and she was thinking ahead, knowing that she has options. And she was right. Because there were no long-term plans to stay together, either in this country or wherever you guys could’ve moved to. I understand you’re heartbroken but can you blame her?

[John Glasby]

Hi Brinn, you're absolutely right on all counts. I was honest in the very beginning, and she did secretly hope I'd change my mind. I think when I started talking about possibly leaving end of this year, combined with the fact that we had become a very comfortable relationship (i.e., I wasn't moving things forward in any way (like meeting her family, etc.)), made her increasingly unhappy. She said when she was home for Christmas her sister really pressed her on, "What are you doing?" and when she came back, I'm sure the wheels were in motion in her mind. She seemed a bit distant the latter part of Jan, then broke up with me Feb. 4.

I don't blame her. I really did love her and would have been happy to stay together if we could have only moved to the US together, but as she's a Brit, marriage would be required to immigrate. 

I just never ever considered the possibility that not only would we break up at her initiation, but that she'd be with someone else here (and so soon).  It's gutting to still be in mourning for the loss of the relationship and know that she's already with someone else here.  I know it's stupid, but it feels like betrayal. I'm sure she was mourning it by suffering in silence and with her friends long before she pulled the rip cord. I just honestly didn't see it coming.

But yes, I don't blame her for wanting to get out of her own initiative. It is unfair to think she'd just waste more time with me for my comfort. 

[John Glasby]

Don't know if this is appropriate, but I thought I'd post the letter I left for her after the meetup to exchange stuff, where we had a good talk. I did not know at the time that she was already with someone else, but I felt it on my heart to address a couple things she brought up, which I felt really bad about. Letter follows:

 

 

Dear ________,

It was painful, but also nice seeing you the other day. I appreciate your letting me get some things off my chest, and it also filled-in some needed pieces for me to see a truer picture of just how unhappy you had become with me.

 

The penny dropped when you talked about how deeply my scaling-back our sleepovers to one night a week hurt you, and felt like a backward move in our relationship. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t see it at the time, but I understand now why you would see it that way, and in your shoes, I know I would have been hurt by that too. How blind I was.

 

I am such a lifelong loner, having one wonderful night of intimacy a week, the weekend, and daily contact, was enough to make me feel loved and happy. I realize now that you need much more to feel the same, and I truly regret that I couldn’t sense how much that hurt you at the time. I know we talked about it, but it seemed like more an annoyance than something that truly hurt you. But, I should have sensed it, and not needed to see tears to understand you were hurting. Instead, I was selfish and thinking only of what I wanted. I took you for granted, ________, and that is unforgivable. I hope you can understand that the mistakes I made were mistakes of the head, not of the heart. 

 

Right now, I will admit, it pains me to think of you with someone else. But that is life. I hope when you do find “the one,” he will feel the same desire to love and protect you like I have had, but with none of the shortcomings that clouded my ability to truly see when pain was in your heart. But I also hope you will help this lucky guy by telling him when you hurt in no uncertain terms. We men – even the so-called “sensitive” ones like me – tend to need a good talking-to from time to time, or we see things as we wish them to be. If he’s truly “the one,” he will find a way to make things right if you give him the chance. Help “Mr. Right” do the right thing. 

 

As for me, I recognize that if I’m ever lucky enough to have someone put their heart in my hands again, I must endeavor to be a more worthy caretaker. I’m sorry I had to learn this lesson at your expense, but for the love you’ve given me, and the intimacy we have shared, I will always be grateful. 

 

It hurts to feel the cool, detached side of you, and see the light gone from your eyes, and so I will bother you no more. I’ll exit stage-left, cherishing the pride I took in calling you my girlfriend and my best friend for some really good years. I look forward to the day when my only memories are of the laughs, the love, the silliness, the adventures, and the support we gave each other from the moment fate sat us together on a bus in this strange place. I think it won’t be hard, because every smile you’ve given me is tucked away in my heart. I can only hope you will someday once again think of me as warmly. 

 

Dear ______, I wish you love and happiness and all life has to offer. Thank you for everything.

 

Sincerely,  

Edited March 20, 2022 by John Glasby

[BrinnM]

9 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

don't blame her. I really did love her and would have been happy to stay together if we could have only moved to the US together, but as she's a Brit, marriage would be required to immigrate. 

 

I do understand that you don’t want to get M, because I know many people - myself included - who don’t wanna get married, categorically, but if I met a guy under very different/special circumstances that would require him to marry me in order to be together and to live in my (or his) country together, then I probably would’ve reconsidered. If he’s worth it. Did you not think she’s worth it? 

 

I feel like you are somebody who met somebody special under very special circumstances and you did not make the effort to change your stance in order to accommodate that relationship long-term. And because of that she left you.

 

She sounds like somebody who definitely has her s*** together.

[BrinnM]

11 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

fate sat us together on a bus in this strange place. I

Oh man - that letter is beautiful. Very heartfelt and sounds honest. I wonder if she responds. Did you send it in the mail or was that an email?
 

I am nosy now & I wonder what country you guys are in. 🧐

[John Glasby]

To be honest, in addition to my reasons for not wanting to be married (I'm the product of a very dysfunctional marriage and live in fear of becoming my father), I never felt I had found my "soul mate" in her. I loved her, to be sure, with a true desire to protect her. But with the guard rails of not wanting to lead her into thinking I was moving toward marriage, I know I never fully gave her my whole heart or commitment, and clearly that began to hurt her more and more. 

I'd rather not say where we are but it's in the Middle East.

[BrinnM]

You know, relationships are not perfect, and our childhoods can really screw us up. And no offense - but I think this soulmate concept is some unreal fairytale BS anyways.

 

Your letter was beautiful, and it sounds like you’re well spoken, in touch with you emotions & intelligent enough; and I don’t know, but maybe she’s gonna respond to it at some point. The thing is - would you change your mind? Probably not. So whatever you write to her, and no matter if and/or how she replies, the end result is the same. If you strip the whole thing down to what it really is, without the extra pork, it’s like 2 ppl in love who can’t make it work long-term, because a) love is not enough, and b) the ppl involved each want something different long-term. I mean, you’ve made that clear to her for years. 

 

I’m glad you’re posting here because you will hopefully get some valuable input from various posters - I think your decision has been made and you just need to stick with it and come to terms with it. 

[John Glasby]

Brinn, I appreciate your words - thank you. I write for a living, so that's my preferred means of communication. I honestly don't expect a response, as she's not an easy writer, and I'm sure it would be awkward for her. And to be honest, knowing she's with someone, I don't like thinking about the emotions I'd feel if she did respond. I'm sure she's totally focussed on the new guy. If she did reply, I honestly can't see past the fact that she's with someone now, so I don't know if I could ever feel the same way in terms of the "specialness" of what we had. I don't think it could ever be the same again.

I never answered your question about how I delivered the letter - I left it under her door. Maybe a week and a half ago or something. Didn't expect a response, I just really wanted to apologize for ways I hurt her (beyond the marriage thing) and didn't realize at the time. And also explain why I would step away (no contact) - because feeling the wall between us was too painful. I guess it was my attempt at closure, but also to express how much I cared for her.

I remember when she was leaving that day of the exchange of stuff, as she was getting in her car, she said it was kind of me to pack up her stuff for her, and I told her I didn't think I could stand to see her in my bedroom packing it up, and she started crying. We hugged and I asked her to please take care of herself, and if she ever needed anything, to please reach out to me. I still felt protective of her. I said, "I didn't stop loving you just because we broke up." And it's true. Of course she just nodded and cried and got in her car to drive away. 

 

Edited March 20, 2022 by John Glasby

[ExpatInItaly]

It hurts to know she's already with someone else, but at least now you know not to waste one more moment on her. 

Was there overlap? Possibly, yes. It doesn't necessarily mean she was cheating, but my money would be on her already having met this person and starting to wonder if there could be something more there. But the main point is that she was already emotionally checked out, and had space in her heart and mind for someone else. 

So even if she hadn't met him, the rift in your relationship was already there and growing all the time. It is better that you two parted ways, as you didn't ultimately want the same things. 

[John Glasby]

This is true. I'm 100% confident there was no actual cheating as she was always with me during the end stage - she wouldn't have had an opportunity, and frankly, I don't think she's that kind of person - she loved me too much for that, and this community is too small. But I would assume there was a feeling-out stage that let her know he was available and interested, and I'm sure that figured into her decision to end it. 

Ultimately, I'll never know, because even if we talked about it, I'm sure she'd lie to save face and save my feelings. It will likely eat at me until I'm gone far away from here physically and mentally. Analytically, I can see how something like this happened, but emotionally, it's really painful to think we were together for a period in which she was checked out emotionally and just going through the motions, interested in someone else. That's the closest I've ever experienced to infidelity, and even the thought of it hurts. 

As I say, I'll just never know. 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, John Glasby said:

To be honest, in addition to my reasons for not wanting to be married (I'm the product of a very dysfunctional marriage and live in fear of becoming my father), I never felt I had found my "soul mate" in her. I loved her, to be sure, with a true desire to protect her. But with the guard rails of not wanting to lead her into thinking I was moving toward marriage, I know I never fully gave her my whole heart or commitment, and clearly that began to hurt her more and more. 

I'd rather not say where we are but it's in the Middle East.

There is your answer. I know you're hurting right now, but I think it's mostly because you simply were not prepared for the breakup. I also know it hurts that she found someone new so quickly, but if you dissect the situation, it's what you knew would happen because she wasn't "the one" for you. (When you meet "that" one, it might have you reconsidering your decision to never marry.) Plus, if you really wish her happiness and hope she finds what she's looking for, then as hard as it is, try to let her go with grace and know that this simply was not meant to be. This also leaves you open to find someone who you will truly fall in love with, who will be your forever person.

[John Glasby]

I agree with you. I think I was initially stupefied simply because I was unprepared for the breakup more than anything. Didn't see it coming, and to go from love, affection and support to her walking out of my life in the span of one unexpected conversation really left me staggered and with a mix of emotions ranging from guilt, to hurt, to anger (Why didn't we talk about this when you first started hurting?) For the last six weeks I was adrift, not knowing what to do with myself and wondering if I should face my fears and try to win her back or just accept that I never even remotely wanted marriage, and was only considering it now because I'm in a suddenly cold and lonely state of losing someone who was my best friend and lover for the past 4.5 years. My world changed in the blink of an eye. 

But realizing now that she actually quickly went to someone else is a much more visceral kind of pain that has me in a terrible state of anxiety. I literally got 2.5 hours of sleep last night and my whole body is in a state of distress because I feel like I was cheated on, not in practical terms, but emotionally. I don't know for sure when they got together or how they met, but I know they went out of town together at the one-month point after the breakup. It must have started before that. I feel like I can understand what one must feel when they're actually cheated on - the images in my mind are like torture. And where I live, I am apt to see one of both of them drive by going to the other's place. Not to mention I could bump into her at work on any given day, or her and him perhaps. I don't even know who he is or what he looks like at this stage, that reveal remains to be seen.

I'm sorry to sound like I'm whining - which admittedly I am. But it is sort of helpful to pour it out on the page. I am in a state of emotional turmoil I've never really faced before and the only way out is some nine months away, when I can leave this place behind for good. It seems like an infinity between here and there. 

Thanks, you guys, for listening. 

[Wiseman2]

Stay no contact. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. No more letters or other invasions of her privacy.  If she blocked you then let it be.

In fact those "get-your-ex-back" letters are a bad idea since it will be shown to friends and family, possibly laughed at and in extreme cases, taken to the police as evidence of stalking.

You knew this would end for many reasons. Just accept that and move forward with your original plans of moving and next time be crystal clear about your stance on marriage.

Things end when there are this many incompatibilities. That's ok. Accept it.

[Erik0303]

John,

was reading through your topic and I felt the pain you are experience. I am going through a break up myself, and some of the words you wrote felt close to what I am living through right now.

Strangely enough I was sitting in the coffee shop looking for some break up topics on the internet and come across this chat in my first instance. A lot of the suggestions from everyone here are very helpful to read through, and creates a good perspective from someone outside the story.

Just to summarise I would want to say that you are not alone, and there are many who are going thought similar emotional times in their life’s. I guess the time will heal, and I am positive there are brighter times ahead. In my experience doing sports (running + yoga), focusing on work, and speaking and seeing friends when possible helps, especially speaking to family, they will understand like no other.