Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[John Glasby]

Thanks, Eric, for the kind words. 

 

[glows]

She might have known no words would have made a difference with you if she described anything she felt. You might benefit from therapy and working out the issues you have from coming from a dysfunctional marriage, your childhood. Effectively your past damaged your future with this person and she likely felt how stuck you were or unable to see things differently. Talking to you would have been of no use and more painful for her in the long run so she left. 

Why would you leave just because of a relationship break up? This makes no sense if you enjoy other aspects of the area. Don’t let a break up influence your career. Keep posting if it helps.

[John Glasby]

I don't like the job or the place - the only thing keeping me here was the money, and I've got enough. Being together with her made this place much more enjoyable for both of us, but with her gone, I literally have no incentive to stay other than more money - which would be nice, but not at the expense of my nervous system. I just need to figure out how to get through the next nine months, which was my tentative plan. Now it's not tentative anymore. 

 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

I don't like the job or the place - the only thing keeping me here was the money, and I've got enough. Being together with her made this place much more enjoyable for both of us, but with her gone, I literally have no incentive to stay other than more money - which would be nice, but not at the expense of my nervous system. I just need to figure out how to get through the next nine months, which was my tentative plan. Now it's not tentative anymore. 

 

Your priorities from now on are you - yourself, J. Glasby.  Spend some time on a plan that works for you and where you’ll go next. Forget this woman and the town if it’s not for you. You’ll live past this but don’t wallow too much. We can learn from our mistakes and if you’re financially secure you have options so start planning. Would you move to be with family or elsewhere?

[John Glasby]

Yes, thank you. I must try to re-embrace this dream I came here in search of, which was to retire early and go wherever I want back in the US to build (or buy) a house and live a happy retirement. Haven't decided where that will be, but I love New England, also the desert southwest. Maybe somewhere in between. I do hate, however, that my last year here will be one of sadness and anxiety. But then, if I'd waited until near the end and initiated the break-up, I'd be carrying tremendous guilt and she'd probably hate me. So, either way, it would have been rough. I guess I'll just have to accept I'm getting what I came here for, but it came at a cost. 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Yes, thank you. I must try to re-embrace this dream I came here in search of, which was to retire early and go wherever I want back in the US to build (or buy) a house and live a happy retirement. Haven't decided where that will be, but I love New England, also the desert southwest. Maybe somewhere in between. I do hate, however, that my last year here will be one of sadness and anxiety. But then, if I'd waited until near the end and initiated the break-up, I'd be carrying tremendous guilt and she'd probably hate me. So, either way, it would have been rough. I guess I'll just have to accept I'm getting what I came here for, but it came at a cost. 

Yes, everything has a cost. Time, love, blood, sweat or tears. Yet you lived and loved and experienced joy too. In a twist of fate she actually saved the sorry and tearful goodbyes and she took care of herself. I see why you loved her or liked her so much. I doubt she would ever hate you. She sounds too pragmatic to be hateful. I hope you both parted on good terms. Give yourself more time to heal and make new plans. 

Have you thought of seeing someone for the anxiety? It helps to speak with someone trained to deal with any anxiousness you feel. Sometimes this is not easily solved being busy. Anxiety can be devastating.

[John Glasby]

No, I would be happy to see someone for the anxiety, but there's really no one here to see. I agree - it's physically and mentally devastating. I was coping alright with the breakup - sad but also grateful for the time we had together, and humble in my apologies for the hurt I caused her along the way.

But when I learned yesterday she went right to another guy, it's been pure anxiety since. The juxtaposition of me mourning our relationship and her down the street in those exciting, passionate first months of a new relationship just feels like someone tearing my heart out through my stomach. I know it's pointless to wish for control when you've been dumped, but I can't help but feel if a couple or three months passed and I learned she'd started seeing someone, I'd be able to view our relationship as something separate and distinct that was beautiful for a while but ultimately died a natural death. As it is, that memory will forever be tainted by wondering just how long she was planning to get with this guy. And no matter what, I know I'll never know the truth. It's like a poison that doesn't kill me - it just makes me sick. 

I know this is unhealthy, self-destructive thinking - I'm afraid I just can't get past it at the moment. I sit at work struggling to concentrate. My personality is wooden. I feel like a shell of myself. It's horrible. That's anxiety. 

Edited March 20, 2022 by John Glasby

[Wiseman2]

On 3/13/2022 at 5:59 AM, John Glasby said:

I explained to her on Day 1 that I do not see marriage in my future, but was excited to enter a relationship if she could accept that. over the holidays her sister back home had had a frank talk with her about "What are you doing?" being with a guy who doesn't want to marry. She admitted she always hoped I would change my mind, and it had become increasingly clear I wasn't changing.

Unfortunately she was never OK with the idea of a nebulous relationship that goes nowhere, even though she sort of went along with it for quite a while.

[glows]

2 hours ago, John Glasby said:

No, I would be happy to see someone for the anxiety, but there's really no one here to see. I agree - it's physically and mentally devastating. I was coping alright with the breakup - sad but also grateful for the time we had together, and humble in my apologies for the hurt I caused her along the way.

But when I learned yesterday she went right to another guy, it's been pure anxiety since. The juxtaposition of me mourning our relationship and her down the street in those exciting, passionate first months of a new relationship just feels like someone tearing my heart out through my stomach. I know it's pointless to wish for control when you've been dumped, but I can't help but feel if a couple or three months passed and I learned she'd started seeing someone, I'd be able to view our relationship as something separate and distinct that was beautiful for a while but ultimately died a natural death. As it is, that memory will forever be tainted by wondering just how long she was planning to get with this guy. And no matter what, I know I'll never know the truth. It's like a poison that doesn't kill me - it just makes me sick. 

I know this is unhealthy, self-destructive thinking - I'm afraid I just can't get past it at the moment. I sit at work struggling to concentrate. My personality is wooden. I feel like a shell of myself. It's horrible. That's anxiety. 

I know that feeling. I found writing helps but I’m not a writer like you. I opened up a word document and poured out my thoughts. Over time it helped me track my own mental health and figure out places in me that I knew I had to improve, get rid of things about myself or habits I had to break to become more of what I wanted to see in my life or be a person I liked. You may feel it helps with your anxiety, tracing your thoughts that way. Also seek professional guidance and speak with your doctor.

Using words like “forever tainted” is too romantic and idealized as things do change and believe me when I tell you they will especially if you expect them to and work on yourself. I don’t think your relationship with her is tainted. But you’ll have to make peace with that yourself.

Are you active? Find an activity that helps you release your bitterness and anger daily. Sometimes it’s a struggle as it was for me during my last major break up(divorce). 

Day by day, bit by bit. 

 

Edited March 20, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  But remind yourself that the relationship was indeed good while it lasted and but ultimately did die a natural death.  Try not to focus on ideas which may not have happened in reality.

[John Glasby]

I add this only because I just thought of it, and my mind is racing to try to find a way to cope with the thought that she literally left me for someone else. But I recalled that the day we  broke up - which was not angry or hostile in any way - I asked if she wanted her key back and she said you can keep it. I don't know why she'd say that, but maybe she just wasn't ready to exchange things yet, as it would feel hostile or awkward. We had a very affectionate hug and tears and left it at that. 

The next week week, I sent her a text basically saying I'm sorry but that I knew she was doing the right thing for her future. It took a couple days for her to respond but when she did, we exchanged nice and supportive text messages, and she even offered to help me move (as she knew my apartment block was going to have to move temporarily soon).  Then, out of nowhere, that Friday night, after midnight actually, she sent me a selfie holding her cat, asking "How are you? - clearly she's been out partying given the way she was dressed, and I'm sure she was a little drunk. At that time, she knew I"d be in bed, so I didn't see the message until the next day. We continued to text just normal conversational stuff for a few days after that.  Then, the following weekend, I got Covid and we chatted about that, and she offered to get me groceries if I needed anything. She checked in on me once by text couple days later , but then went totally silent for a couple weeks, and the comms never resumed other than once when I had to message her on something business-related, to which she responded in a very guarded way. Now, I know for a fact she was already out of town with the new guy that weekend - one month after our break.  It was a week or so later when she messaged me about picking her stuff up and we did the exchange, etc. and she specifically asked for her key. 

All this is to say, in my mind, I'm trying to tell myself she didn't expressly leave me to be with this guy, or else she wouldn't have left her key with me, been sending me a pic after midnight or offering to help me move in the week after we broke up. It's little comfort, but if I have options, I'd rather think she jumped into another relationship quickly in the 2 or 3 weeks after we broke up than already had him lined up and went straight to him. The timing was still fast, but it's almost like her texting tone reflected the point at which she decided she needed to stop chatting with me and focus elsewhere. And that was about two weeks after the breakup. 

i don't know - I could just be fooling myself, but it seems like she didn't go STRAIGHT to him anyway. But perhaps I'm just looking for a lie I can tell myself to feel better.

[basil67]

While reading the above, I was thinking that she would have asked for her key back if she was seeing someone else lest you walk in on them.  And then you stated exactly that at the end of your post.  

Honestly, you're doing your head in worrying about stuff which very likely didn't happen.   

[John Glasby]

That's a very good point about the key, basil. When she contacted me about collecting her stuff (and the key), about 5 weeks after the breakup, that was the week after I know they'd gone away together for the weekend. That may have been the first time, and at that point, she couldn't afford to have me holding a key to her apartment and knew it was time to get her stuff out of my apartment and finally close that chapter for good. 

Thanks for pointing that out. It actually makes sense. But she certainly wouldn't have left the key with me if they were already getting together when we broke up. 

Edited March 21, 2022 by John Glasby

[ExpatInItaly]

When she got with this guy isn't entirely relevant, OP. 

The fact is that she was ready and willing to let someone else into her heart and mind. Your relationship together had some serious cracks and since you two wanted different things in your future, it is better that you both move on. 

The cat selfie and other things are typical weaning-off-the-usual-company moves after the break-up of a longer relationship. As you can see, it dries up pretty quickly as soon as someone new appears on the scene. 

[John Glasby]

Beg to disagree; it is relevant in terms of the way I feel about her and what we had. Would you rather think your spouse started cheating on you while you were married or found a new relationship (perhaps even rebound)  after you were divorced? It's not an irrelevant detail in terms of the emotional/psychological implications. 

[glows]

It seems peculiar that you’d question her integrity if she’s always shown you she’s trustworthy. Did you question her loyalty when you were together? 

 

 

[John Glasby]

No, never, I always felt totally comfortable in her loyalty - she seemed to adore me. That's part of why I'm so dumbstruck that this is how it turned out - me heartbroken and her with someone else two or three weeks later. It's just the light-speed timing of this new relationship gives one to think (or imagine) bad things. 

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by John Glasby

[glows]

1 minute ago, John Glasby said:

No, never, I always felt totally comfortable in her loyalty - she seemed to adore me. That's part of why I'm so dumbstruck that this is how it turned out - me heartbroken and her with someone else. It's just the light-speed timing of this new relationship gives one to think bad things. 

When reality shifts we try to make sense of the change or devastation we feel. It’s a human reaction to big change. Keep in mind all that glitters may not be gold.

She’s with someone else but that new romance doesn’t eclipse what you had. I think you war with your ego which is hurt.   These are all very sad, painful feelings after a break up. 
 

[John Glasby]

True, I know ego is a big part of this. 

Edited March 21, 2022 by John Glasby

[serial muse]

OP, I was particularly struck by the line in the letter you sent her about you scaling back your overnights. That, plus the thing you said about talking about your leaving, and never giving her your whole heart anyway, certainly sounds like you were the one to initially begin the separation.

She just sped up your timeline.

I say this with kindness, but it certainly sounds like a lot of this is about control - you were the one controlling the pace and intimacy of your relationship for over 4 years, and perhaps you're reeling from the fact that she took that control back in the end.

I know you've said you understand. But it sounds also like you're wondering whether she deserves any censure here. I don't think that's the right way to look at this. She loved you, she wanted more than you could give, she did a brave thing and walked away when it became clear that wasn't going to happen, and it was sooner than you wanted - BUT in a relationship between two separate people, you simply don't get to call all the shots. It's painful, but nobody deserves censure here. I think you should just let yourself be at peace with this. Don't look for reasons to be mad because you're heartbroken. She did nothing wrong.

 

Edited March 21, 2022 by serial muse

[John Glasby]

serial muse, you are 100% correct and very wise.  

When I look at our relationship in hindsight, I am ashamed of the situation I constructed and subjected her to, because it was all in my control. I stipulated I didn't want to get married, I had no viable solution for how we could go on after here, and yet I didn't actually do anything about it. And honestly, at some point I knew that she wanted to marry me - I could just tell. I just hid from the responsibility of facing that because we enjoyed being together and the "end" always seemed far away. I just wanted to enjoy our relationship in a sort of casual but loving way, and that is something I feel horrible about, because I know how selfish it was to her as time went on.

Incidentally, the "sleepover" deal originated because I'm a really light/bad sleeper and don't sleep very well when I'm sharing a bed. I understand that to her, it felt like I was demoting the relationship, suggesting going from two nights a week to one, and as I explained in the letter, I feel terrible about that. I just didn't see it through her eyes like I should have. I honestly wish she had said, "This is hurting my feelings" and I would have immediately seen what a selfish jerk I was being, because I am generally very sensitive and could not stand to see her hurt. (I accidentally made her cry once with a careless off-hand comment, and I will never forget it. I apologized for at least an hour and feel terrible to this day.) 

All this is to say, you are correct. I held the power in the relationship and created these guide rails that I see now hurt her slowly over time until finally, realizing I was talking of leaving in the next couple years, she just said no more and took control. I do not fault her for that - and I am not looking for a reason to be mad. She had every right to rebel against a situation in which she was being taken for granted and was not receiving the nurturing or commitment she deserved. I just wish she had let me know sooner of her pain so we could face this together, not as a "dumping." And she even said after it was done, "I should have said something sooner." It pains me to think how long she must have wrestled with this.

As I say, I don't want to be mad at her. It's just the shock of having her leave me (which triggered an immense sense of loss and guilt) then finding out she moved to another guy in a matter of days (which triggered suspicion, jealousy and humiliation) which has torn me apart. In more than just words on paper, I am sorry for how carelessly I treated our relationship because I do love her and never wanted to cause her pain. But I know I did.

In true karmic fashion, the pain is now on me. 

(Sorry to write so much, but you really hit the nail on the head in many ways. Thank you.)

[John Glasby]

This entire thread has really been like a therapy session - thank you, everyone. I'm in a really dark and lonely place at the moment, and talking it out (ad nauseam) here really is helpful. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, John Glasby said:

Would you rather think your spouse started cheating on you while you were married or found a new relationship (perhaps even rebound)  after you were divorced? 

I found out after we broke up that a long-term, live-in boyfriend had cheated while we were together. 

And in the end, no, it wasn't particularly relevant for me. I was still able to look back fondly on the good times, and know that even though he behaved badly, it wasn't always like that. It didn't shatter my entire vision of the whole relaitonship. 

So yes, we'll agree to disgaree on this point. My experience has borne out the opposite for me. 

[John Glasby]

What was on my mind when I woke up with insomnia in the middle of the night tonight? The meeting we had to exchange stuff a couple days after I now realize she'd been out of town with the new guy. This was about 5-6 weeks post breakup. 

It was nice, not hostile or anything. At my house. I bared my soul to her in a way I never had about just how dysfunctional my parents' marriage was, and told her that I feel like I have a monster in me (my Dad) that I am living trying to keep from getting out - that marriage to me is something that will risk loosing that monster. A bit dramatic, I know, but a fair analogy. I also told her, because I wanted her to know, that I had spent hours over the years researching whether there was any way she could live with me in the US without our being married. To no avail. I just wanted her to know, within the bounds of my own messed up fears, I had looked for a path forward for us. 

She was not unkind, but just cooly detached from it. She did start crying a bit at one point, but quickly recovered. And then painted an accurate portrait of how I didn't move our relationship forward, I actually downgraded it over the years, for which I apologized (and apologized more clearly in the subsequent letter I sent her). As I mentioned, when she left, I told her that I didn't stop loving her just because we broke up and if she ever needed anything to reach out. She left crying. 

Now, as I know that that visit was just days after she'd spent a weekend away with the new guy (maybe their first time), the detachment in her eyes makes sense - her feelings were now elsewhere. And man, does that make me feel humiliated. I wasn't asking for her to come back, but she must have been thinking "yeah, yeah, yeah - let's just get on with it, I need to go." My letter (posted above) a couple days later, I hope at least touched her in some way because it was absolutely sincere. But it was clearly too little, too late. 

Just wanted to share. Thanks. 

[John Glasby]

Lest anyone think I'm not trying to learn from this and take a healthier attitude, I wrote this in my journal this morning. 

John: You need to reflect and learn a lesson from this. You cannot dictate the tone and parameters of a relationship – it has to be a collaboration. You took ______ for granted because you sensed she was the more dependent partner in the relationship, and you prioritized your emotional needs over hers. Could she have communicated with you in stronger terms about this? Yes. But You should have viewed things from her perspective and been more empathetic. You had her all the way – your refusal to commit and gradual neglect of her emotional needs slowly pushed her away. She is not at fault for this, you are. The only thing you can do is suffer the pain of loss until it eventually grows muted, learn from your mistakes, and move forward with more wisdom, empathy and humility. 

Edited March 22, 2022 by John Glasby