Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[Wiseman2]

Do you have health insurance? The best thing you could do is get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician. Discuss the insomnia depression anxiety etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In the meantime, retool and regroup. Get rid of any bad habits.  Especially drinking or drugs,etc. Get involved in sports and fitness. Take better care of yourself.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses.

Sitting around stewing is making matters worse.

You knew all along that your anti-commitment, never want to settle down with anyone nature would eventually put an end to this.

Now you're free to pursue all this and she's free to pursue someone affectionate and committed to her.

[John Glasby]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sitting around stewing is making matters worse.

Agreed! 

 

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have health insurance? The best thing you could do is get an evaluation of your physical and mental health from a physician. Discuss the insomnia depression anxiety etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In the meantime, retool and regroup. Get rid of any bad habits.  Especially drinking or drugs,etc. Get involved in sports and fitness. Take better care of yourself.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses.

Sitting around stewing is making matters worse.

You knew all along that your anti-commitment, never want to settle down with anyone nature would eventually put an end to this.

Now you're free to pursue all this and she's free to pursue someone affectionate and committed to her.

On this, I would just beg to differ. I am not "anti-commitment," I just don't want to be married. If I could have gotten her into the US on a permanent basis, I would have been happy to live with her indefinitely. In the beginning, she voiced no concerns about my marriage stance - it was over time I began to realize she wanted more. 

And as far as "affectionate" goes, I am very physically and verbally affectionate - we both were - it's just that I was clearly structuring the relationship in a way that was increasingly unfair and hurtful to her. When we were together, the affection was abundant. 

Just wanted to clarify that. 

Edited March 22, 2022 by John Glasby

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

 I was clearly structuring the relationship in a way that was increasingly unfair and hurtful to her.

It makes sense that she's been wanting to leave and found someone else. You "structured" it  to keep her at arm's length and give yourself the upper hand.

[John Glasby]

I think that's probably a fair statement. 

[serial muse]

@OP I think you should also be fairer to yourself, though! Yes, perhaps you didn't realize how painful this all was for her, and the slow pulling away and reminders that the relationship had an expiration date were no doubt very very difficult for her.

But it is worth noting that you were also honest about your parameters throughout, and that she acknowledged that too. It's so very difficult, in the midst of a relationship, to say the painful things and acknowledge the elephant in the room when you just want to enjoy your time together. It's very human. From what you've told us here, it seems to me that no one is at fault. She knew that you were not going to want to marry, though she couldn't help but hope. You knew that you couldn't give more, though you didn't want to dwell on how that might hurt her if she wasn't forcing you to. It was just a question of incompatibility of circumstances, and I know it's devastating because you really loved each other. But I'm 100% certain she was not thinking "yeah yeah, get on with it" during that exchange of items. I'm sure she was crying because she was wishing things were different, just as you were, and yet she knew they wouldn't be.

The truly heartbreaking part is that they just aren't. I'm sorry, and wish you some peace going forward. 

[John Glasby]

Thank you so much, serial muse, your words are like a soothing balm for my heart right now. 

[John Glasby]

Just to update, I'm still suffering with insomnia. Actually I go to sleep and sleep deeply for about 4 hours, then come wide awake, with anxiety and loneliness. Invariably, thoughts of her with him. Am up for about an hour, then can only doze intermittently between then and the alarm. I've accepted that I'm just going to be dealing with this for a while until the rawness starts to scab over a bit in time. I understand insomnia is common after a rough breakup (i.e. getting dumped). 

At work, I really have a hard time concentrating (don't worry, I still get the job done), and when I get too anxious, I just get up and walk all around the various office buildings like I'm headed to a meeting or something. I don't know why, but it calms me a bit - I guess by burning off nervous tension. And it feels like I have a purpose and am busy, even if I don't and am not!

Today, on my various walks, I bumped into not one, not two, but three different friends of hers (who I know, but not as well as she does). I went out of my way to engage them in happy conversation - two of them, by the way, are engaged to be married to guys they've met here. (Can you see the pressure I know my ex was facing?!). I will admit, I was putting on a brave face, and I know all these girls surely know we broke up (and may even know who the new guy is) but I never touched on it and just had nice conversations about their lives and various stuff. They never brought it up either. But it kind of felt good to be seen carrying myself with confidence and good humor, even though I feel like I'm hollow and hurt inside. And I do genuinely like these girls, so it wasn't just for show. A pointless exercise I guess, but I just don't want people to see I'm in pain. The shame of being poor, lonely, dumped John would only add to my misery. Of course, to a couple of my close friends, I just blather pathetically! They're very supportive. 

Just offering this as a journal entry, if you will. I reckon one day in the future I may look back on this thread and relive a tough time - hopefully thinking, "Man, thank God you got over that." 

 

[glows]

Keep your private life private as you're doing and the sleeping difficulties will fade also. Avoid caffeine and sugar and maintain a good diet and exercise. 

[dramafreezone]

I'll disagree with you, I don't think you "deserved" to be heartbroken.

You were upfront with her from the very beginning.  What more could you have done?  She was the one that admitted that she hoped you would change your mind, but that's not on you, it's on her.  You don't owe someone something that you never promised them.

I sympathize particularly with this case because I've done the same, I've been upfront from the beginning, and yet when it doesn't progress beyond what you said you wanted to, you still end up being the bad guy.  It's a no-win situation.  They say she's ok with it but they're really not.

She also seems impressionable so maybe you're better off.  Seems like her sister can influence her actions significantly if she's going to break up with you so abruptly without talking it through.  Her sister may be a big reason why she can't find the right guy.  This new guy is a rebound that probably won't last.

[John Glasby]

I see where you're coming from, but I have sympathy for the unintentional cruelties she was dealing with. She hoped by proving herself a wonderful companion that I'd change my mind on marriage, which I never did. 

Add to that my seeming to "demote" the relationship by reducing the amount of time we were actually sleeping over, rather than moving in together, which a lot of couples do. 

Add to that my talking about leaving in 2022, which implies "that's when I'll be leaving you." 

Add to that a sister protective of her sibling, wondering why she was staying in a relationship with a guy offering no commitment or making any effort to meet the family, etc. 

And what's entirely possible - add to that some guy, maybe a "sympathetic friend" or just available and interested, who will be here past 2022 and doesn't have any weird notions against marriage ... 

And this all sets the stage for exactly what happened. She finally grew resentful of my limits on the relationship and seized control of the situation and her own future, rather than letting me make all the decisions. 

I get it. It hurts like hell, but I get it. At the end of the day, we're all looking out for what's in our own best interest. And clearly, staying with me must have increasingly felt like being taken for granted and used past a certain point. 

As much as I want to be mad at her for causing me this pain, I know I must have hurt her over and over again. Some people just can't communicate that for some reason until they've already decided to leave, if they even do it then. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you had a lot of signs up: 'Stop', 'Do Not Enter' 'Keep Out' 'No trespassing' 'Exit Here' 'Dead End'.

So she had no choice but to heed them and leave.

[BrinnM]

2 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Some people just can't communicate that for some reason until they've already decided to leave

Do you mean her? Are you referring to her not communicating? Because: What difference would it have made? You made everything clear from the beginning. She still decided to be your girlfriend. (She knows the relationship has an expiration date if her partner doesn't change his mind.) The premises were unambiguous. Crystal clear. For both of you. If she had told you last November or whatever that she would break up with you and find somebody else if you don’t change your opinion and your future plans, then what? Nothing would be different. It was implied that she wanted different things, and I think you knew that.
 

[stillafool]

The way I see it is she, just like a lot of women, really liked you and even though you were crystal clear you were not going to marry she thought you'd change your mind for her.   You have not done anything wrong so stop blaming yourself.  Her sister was right to tell her to stop trying to make a man who doesn't want to marry, marry her.  That makes no sense.  Please leave her be so she can go forward with her dream to marry. That would be the kind thing to do.  If you were to contact her it will bring confusion into her life which she doesn't need.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, John Glasby said:

As much as I want to be mad at her for causing me this pain, I know I must have hurt her over and over again. Some people just can't communicate that for some reason until they've already decided to leave, if they even do it then. 

Also, there's nothing to be mad about.   She realised that the both of you were never going to be on the same path, so she ended it in order to travel her own path.

Regarding communication, in all this time, did she never once raise the topic of marriage or wanting more time together?   And importantly, if she he had communicated those needs, would it have changed anything?

Can I ask why you steadfastly refuse marriage?  No judgement - I don't see the point in marriage.  My partner and I are 30 years defacto with a jointly owned house, two kids, pets, joint bank accounts and with the state recognising us as partners....I just wonder what your reasoning is and if/how that also impacted her point of view.  

 

[BrinnM]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And importantly, if she he had communicated those needs, would it have changed anything?

That’s exactly the point, and what it all comes down to. 

[John Glasby]

Hi everyone. Regarding what would be different if she had raised the issue earlier - I guess the answer is nothing. 

Several months ago, we were out for a walk and I can't remember the exact discussion (it may have been about my early retirement, not sure (I'm 50, she's 38)) but somehow marriage did come up. I remember her saying something along the lines of "What's the big problem with being married? If it doesn't work, you get divorced." 

Admittedly, I knew she was talking about us. And I was pretty firm that that just wasn't my plan - I didn't want to be married. I'd seen my parents horrible marriage and I just didn't want to risk having my life turn into that - that I love having a girlfriend, but marriage just wasn't what I wanted for my life. 

Somehow I changed the subject, and she went along, but I know that was her attempt at revisiting the subject. She didn't seem upset at the time, but I'm sure she must have been hurt that three or so years in, I wasn't budging. 

So, I guess the answer is she did try and I shut her down. You all are right.  I'm wishing I had a chance to address it again together, but only because I now know the real pain of being without her in my life. When I had her, and took her for granted, I didn't think I needed her and maintained my stance on marriage. 

Now I know what it feels like to not have her. To miss her. But that is very likely just the pain of loss - loss of her and loss of control. If I really truly needed and wanted her forever,  I should have felt that in our 4.5 years - and the simple fact is, I never did. 

And stillafool, don't worry - I have no intention of ever contacting her. If I didn't know she was with someone, perhaps. But knowing this, not a chance. 

[basil67]

Yes, I would have been very surprised if she'd never discussed it with you.   

It seems to happen so often that guys say that are blindsided when their girlfriend/wife leaves having not communicated how they are feeling.  But as in your case, they did communicate before ending the relationship, it's just that the guy wasn't listening/engaging.  I'm afraid there's nothing else she could have done to have the relationship meet her needs.  Ending it was her only choice.

On the positive, given your age, you are likely to be able to find a divorced woman who's kids are grown up and who wants a companion for dinners, shows, etc.... but also wants to lead her own life and not get back into cohabitation.    Perhaps pitching yourself in this direction would find a better fit for you.

[John Glasby]

I guess I just didn't expect to ever have her walk in one day already "gone" and tell me she was done. I just assumed (egotistically, I know) that she loved me too much to do something like that - I didn't have any idea she was pulling away mentally and falling out of love, so it was a huge shock. I would have expected some arguments or tears or something to give clue me in that she was unhappy. In hindsight, the only signs I had were she wasn't rushing to mine on Saturday mornings like she used to - she was often cleaning her house, or going to lunch or on walks with a girlfriend first, and I know now this particular girlfriend is an older lady was also pressing her to end it too. So, it sounds like she was detaching and strengthening herself for what was to come. But when we'd be together, she seemed fine and our weekends would be nice. 

And I know 90% of my problem at this point is still the painful feeling of betrayal that she she got with someone so soon, and the constant wondering how that was taking shape while we were still together. That's a kind of pain I've never experienced before. Most of the pain I'm feeling now is mental images of her being over there with him, or texting him all through the day like we used to do, or him being at hers. Classic jealousy stuff ... because again, I just never envisioned a scenario where she would be with someone else while we were still here. I guess the being "dumped' was a shock, but given the circumstances, I could understand it. While feeling like I was, perhaps, dumped for someone else, is really pretty devastating for me. 

I know I've said all this before - I'm sorry for repeating myself. These thoughts just spin round and round. Thanks everyone for your patience with me. 

[BrinnM]

At this point it’s just a control thing on your part, I think. You’re obsessing over betrayal, while all she wanted was spend her life with you. As this wasn’t an option, she had to pivot, and she did it on her terms, without asking for your permission. What you’re feeling, most probably, is loss of control, and it makes you anxious, and a little angry maybe. 

Ask yourself this: If it had gone your way, how would it have ended? Her with you, in love and devoted, until your contract ends, and then you pack and take the next plane home? Would that have made you happier? 

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

 and I know now this particular girlfriend is an older lady was also pressing her to end it too.

To be fair, if she'd written about it here, there also would have been lots of encouragement for her to end it.   Most people don't go encouraging others to stay in situations which leave them unhappy. 

Also remember, her friend wouldn't have been pressing her to end it if your ex hadn't been complaining about the situation a lot. 

[John Glasby]

Brinn, I think you're right. 

I did worry over the last year or two how the end would come - because I didn't want to hurt her, but I knew somehow I would as she couldn't go with me if we weren't married. And I know it's stupidly unrealistic, but I had sort of settled on a scenario where we would be in a long-distance relationship between England and America for a while, with frequent visits, and then I knew at some point she'd become involved with someone else and I'd wish her all the best. Being thousands of miles away, I didn't think it would hurt. 

But I know what a control-freak that makes me. And realistically, she would never be happy for even one day in a LDR. She took control and rushed the process in a way I never expected, but the result is ultimately the same thing I guess. Just with more pain for me, which on some level I know I deserve.

[John Glasby]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, if she'd written about it here, there also would have been lots of encouragement for her to end it.   Most people don't go encouraging others to stay in situations which leave them unhappy. 

Also remember, her friend wouldn't have been pressing her to end it if your ex hadn't been complaining about the situation a lot. 

Basil, I hear you. It makes sense. She was no longer getting what she needed, and there was no chance that she would. That's why the guilt is real for me, because I did (do) love her, I just wasn't the man to give her what she needs and deserves. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

She took control and rushed the process in a way I never expected

What process do you refer to and how did she rush it?  

[John Glasby]

The ending of the relationship/moving on to someone new. 

[basil67]

Just now, John Glasby said:

Basil, I hear you. It makes sense. She was no longer getting what she needed, and there was no chance that she would. That's why the guilt is real for me, because I did (do) love her, I just wasn't the man to give her what she needs and deserves. 

I find it immeasurably sad that your fear of getting hurt has sabotaged your relationship and now you're hurt anyway.  Rather than address your fears, you're putting up barriers and just shooting yourself in the foot.  Is the situation you're in now really worse than taking the risk of building a life with someone you love?   If we don't take risks, we don't truly live.