Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[John Glasby]

For the past few days, I've been obsessed with leaving. I was originally going to wait to retire until Dec. 31, but my anxiety and grief has not waned even one bit in the last two weeks. Literally everything in this place reminds me of her, because everything I experienced here was with her. Moreover, since she's with a guy who lives here, it's only a matter of time until I know who he is, or see them together, bump into them together, or whatnot. I can't get away from it. There's a long religious holiday the first week in May and I know they'll be going on a trip together - it's what all couples here do. Even though I don't look at her social media, I know I'll spend that week dwelling on that. 

My second thought was retire at the end of Sept. Now, I'm thinking maybe end of June. I just want out, for my own healing and sanity. I don't know how long my body and mind can withstand constant anxiety. 

Will it get better? Am I crazy to be thinking about trading additional financial security just to get away from here and this situation? 

 

[glows]

John, people don’t move away for break ups all the time. If we did there would be mass exodus of people fleeing and constantly uprooting their lives at the sign of every emotional hiccup or break up. Think of how this sounds in the larger scheme. The problem is you keep expecting the impossible and get depressed over it. Undoing the past is impossible and the memories stay but tell yourself that new meanings can be attached to these places and new life and more experiences can be found.

Don’t run away from seeing her with someone else or that place you missed the first time. Revisit if you like and say your goodbyes to the past in your private moments, raise a glass to it and invite friends, go out, learn to repurpose and be humble in your expectations of yourself.

I’d keep a move as a loose idea and option in the near future (<1 yr plan). In the meantime heal and don’t keep seeking to run away from your problems.  

 

[John Glasby]

It's funny. I think I just "ran into" them online accidentally.  I've blocked her FB feed, but just five minutes ago, a very loosely connected mutual friend posted a pic on facebook of a table full of dinner guests out on the town last weekend and it appears the guy my ex is with is practically my identical twin. Honestly, it's bizarre. Oddly, I feel slightly relieved and a little better. It's not like she "upgraded" - it's like she got a facsimile. I wouldn't be surprised if some people accidentally mistake him for me at first glance. As I say, it's kind of oddly relieving. The insecure side of me imagined her with Brad Pitt! 

Well, that part is out of the way now. I'm glad. 

[glows]

See? You didn’t burst into flames. Or fall apart. If you see them around smile and be cordial and then be on your way. Flash of sunshine and off you go. 

[John Glasby]

True. And I will. I will even be fine to shake his hand and introduce myself. 

Honestly, I'm ashamed to say it's an ego thing, but it is. If she'd gotten with a better looking guy, that would be a kick to the gut. Just being honest. But at his best, this guy's my equal. Somehow that makes my ego feel better. 

[glows]

You’re aware of your ego. Now pay less attention to it, don’t keep stroking it. There may be another person in her life at some point who looks better than you according to you and looks aren’t everything. People come in layers and are made up of many things.

The point is there is someone who can treat her better and with whom she’ll be more compatible with. If you can reach that understanding and accept it you’re on your way to also letting her go. Stay less stuck in your own mind. 

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, John Glasby said:

Will it get better? Am I crazy to be thinking about trading additional financial security just to get away from here and this situation? 

 

So, from a logical perspective: It is very likely that it will take you longer than until July or September (or December, for that matter) to get over this 4-year relationship; hence, leaving your current country of residence early won't help, is my guess. Therefore, if you think long-term, it's better to stick it out as planned, for the sake of your finances (assuming these few additional months really do make a difference), because you will still be grieving beyond 2022 (at least a little bit; there will be some nostalgia as well), no matter where you reside.

 

40 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Honestly, I'm ashamed to say it's an ego thing, but it is. If she'd gotten with a better looking guy, that would be a kick to the gut.

Haha, I can relate. I am the same way. (My ex is with a new woman, and I am happy to say she's less attractive than me (I am fully aware that this is extremely childish, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am not proud of feeling this way, but I can't help it.)  It is a TOTAL ego thing)

Edited April 1, 2022 by BrinnM

[John Glasby]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

So, from a logical perspective: It is very likely that it will take you longer than until July or September (or December, for that matter) to get over this 4-year relationship; hence, leaving your current country of residence early won't help, is my guess. Therefore, if you think long-term, it's better to stick it out as planned, for the sake of your finances (assuming these few additional months really do make a difference), because you will still be grieving beyond 2022 (at least a little bit; there will be some nostalgia as well), no matter where you reside.

 

Haha, I can relate. I am the same way. (My ex is with a new woman, and I am happy to say she's less attractive than me (I am fully aware that this is extremely childish, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I am not proud of feeling this way, but I can't help it.)  It is a TOTAL ego thing)

I hear you. But I know I was in a similar state 13 years ago in Phoenix, after a breakup with a girl I worked with, and I left and moved to New England, and it really healed me - the change of scenery, the total reset of my life. I'm tempted to think going back to the US would do the same in this case. But your point is well taken. 

 

[John Glasby]

It also makes me feel slightly better that they're being seen in public now. At least it doesn't feel like they're sneaking around keeping it a secret, which somehow added to my feelings of betrayal (I know I have no right to feel betrayed, but again - ego). 

It does make me feel like a loser that she's so clearly and so quickly moved on and having fun while I'm a basket case, but I realize it's selfish of me to want her to be miserable like I am. She felt enough misery at my hands, I'm sure. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

It also makes me feel slightly better that they're being seen in public now. At least it doesn't feel like they're sneaking around keeping it a secret, which somehow added to my feelings of betrayal (I know I have no right to feel betrayed, but again - ego). 

It does make me feel like a loser that she's so clearly and so quickly moved on and having fun while I'm a basket case, but I realize it's selfish of me to want her to be miserable like I am. She felt enough misery at my hands, I'm sure. 

This will fade as you go on and make new friends and meet new ladies. You seem to be moving soon so your time there is limited. Why not make the most of it? 

[Noproblem]

On 3/19/2022 at 10:21 PM, John Glasby said:

Hi Brinn, you're absolutely right on all counts. I was honest in the very beginning, and she did secretly hope I'd change my mind. I think when I started talking about possibly leaving end of this year, combined with the fact that we had become a very comfortable relationship (i.e., I wasn't moving things forward in any way (like meeting her family, etc.)), made her increasingly unhappy. She said when she was home for Christmas her sister really pressed her on, "What are you doing?" and when she came back, I'm sure the wheels were in motion in her mind. She seemed a bit distant the latter part of Jan, then broke up with me Feb. 4.

I don't blame her. I really did love her and would have been happy to stay together if we could have only moved to the US together, but as she's a Brit, marriage would be required to immigrate. 

I just never ever considered the possibility that not only would we break up at her initiation, but that she'd be with someone else here (and so soon).  It's gutting to still be in mourning for the loss of the relationship and know that she's already with someone else here.  I know it's stupid, but it feels like betrayal. I'm sure she was mourning it by suffering in silence and with her friends long before she pulled the rip cord. I just honestly didn't see it coming.

But yes, I don't blame her for wanting to get out of her own initiative. It is unfair to think she'd just waste more time with me for my comfort. 

She feels more betrayed, because you never intended to commit to her, and thus she wasn't the one for you. She was just a temperoary partner. 

[John Glasby]

1 hour ago, glows said:

This will fade as you go on and make new friends and meet new ladies. You seem to be moving soon so your time there is limited. Why not make the most of it? 

To be honest, that's just not my style. I'm not a prolific dater and am not one for the social scene. I tend to go long periods of time between relationships. Right now, I don't have any desire to meet someone new, especially since I know I'm leaving in a matter of months. Whereas my ex is someone who needs to be in a relationship, my natural state is on my own (I tend to have a smaller number of really good friends). Generally, I never feel lonely when I'm alone - but this is painful because it's all still so raw. 

 

[John Glasby]

Super tough going today. I'm cleaning out and packing up my apartment as I'm going to have to move to a new building soon. (There is a chance I'm going to be assigned to the apartments where her new boyfriend lives, so I'm trying to get in anywhere else, because that would be torturous.) But the hard part is just cleaning out and throwing away. Moving is always kind of emotional for me (believe it or not, I'm pretty sensitive), but virtually everything in my place reminds me of her, certainly gifts she gave me, some of which I'm tossing. 

I remember a few days after we broke up and I learned I was going to have to move, she offered to help me. Obviously, I had no intention of taking her up on it, but the reality of the distance between us just in those 7-8 weeks saddens me - we're totally no contact. A really deep friendship disappeared as if it never existed in the span of a few days. I know that's normal for a breakup, but it's so hard for me to grasp we'd end up here together, but worlds apart.

I'm sorry to those who are annoyed at my whining, but writing helps me cope. 

Nostalgia is hard. I miss my friend. 

[Annama]

I understand. I feel the same way. From being close and share everything to nothing overnight.

   Strange. Sometimes I feel like reach out but his coldness would be like a frost bite that would hurt for too long. 

He wont reach out. That I know now. Apparently he said to his friends he has no idea why we ended. He didnt say to them he blocked me on my birthday after an argument. He blocked me for nearly a week.

I miss him. I miss my friend too.

I hope it will get easier. 

John I noticed you pre planned in your mind how your relationship is going to be and when it will end. You had a scenario written ahead. 

As you can see and feel now, things hardly go according to our time frame or sneaky plan, especially when emotions are concerned.

Also it seems you have played that scenario before. What happened to your previous relationship?

I hope i didnt offend but I cant help to notice a pattern of some sorts.

 

[John Glasby]

Hi Annama,

Yes, I did have a relationship that ended similar to this before in Arizona, when I told the girl before we got together that I would be leaving the state eventually for my career, but that if she wanted to have a relationship, I wanted it too. She was a young mother, rebounding from a divorce, and pretty soon, my eventual departure became a huge issue - and understandably so. Although I was open to marriage then, and moving as a family, she could not ever accept the notion of taking her kids out of the state, away from extended family. She eventually broke up with me, and I was similarly gutted. In a striking similarity, she then started dating a guy who also looked very similar to me, but who was an Arizona boy with no intention of ever leaving the state. They're still happily married. 

But yes, this is the second time I've laid a land mine on the front end of a relationship that eventually exploded in my face. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

.They're still happily married. 

That's true. When you present yourself as having one foot out the door at all times, you'll be put in the ok for now basket and they'll keep looking for someone invested in them.

Maybe it's a matter of not finding the right woman, maybe it's a matter of wanting freedom and wandering.

[glows]

11 hours ago, John Glasby said:

To be honest, that's just not my style. I'm not a prolific dater and am not one for the social scene. I tend to go long periods of time between relationships. Right now, I don't have any desire to meet someone new, especially since I know I'm leaving in a matter of months. Whereas my ex is someone who needs to be in a relationship, my natural state is on my own (I tend to have a smaller number of really good friends). Generally, I never feel lonely when I'm alone - but this is painful because it's all still so raw. 

 

I didn’t only mean dating or a social life but also traveling and exploring the area. You’re responding to loss and pain at the moment. Try doing other things and see more. Book a bus or train ticket, plan to visit surrounding areas or cities you haven’t seen yet or spend some time thinking about the things you’d like to do before you go. 

[Mrsturgess]

John, I have to say I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea to uproot/ move away sooner rather than later. If you’re intending to leave/ retire at the end of the year anyway, just bringing it forward a bit is hardly a huge step in my view - if you were committed in a great long term job etc and were considering throwing it all in that would be a different scenario , but as you’re literally intending to go anyway, I think bringing that forward might be wise. Running away, as some people might call it, isn’t always the right solution but a completely fresh start , and real distance from your ex etc especially in what you describe as a tight / small community, I think will really help you move on, like it did in the past. Give you new things to think about , be excited about, people to engage with, a new chapter and things to take your mind off her and all the painful memories you have. 

[John Glasby]

I agree. I just saw them drive by my apt today on the way to hers. They didn't see me. But seeing her riding around in his car - really brought every single emotion to the surface. I really do want out of here. 

[John Glasby]

My god, this is just brutal. I'm sure it was because I saw them drive by yesterday, but I literally slept from 10pm to 1:00, and was then wide awake until work. 

It's just so painful knowing she's with someone, enjoying life, while I'm struggling to cope. 

I'm sure every little thing like this that happens will knock me back to square one. 

Trying to take it day to day. 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, John Glasby said:

My god, this is just brutal. I'm sure it was because I saw them drive by yesterday, but I literally slept from 10pm to 1:00, and was then wide awake until work. 

It's just so painful knowing she's with someone, enjoying life, while I'm struggling to cope. 

I'm sure every little thing like this that happens will knock me back to square one. 

Trying to take it day to day. 

She could be with you, enjoying life, but you were not open to marriage. You previously lost out on a good relationship because she would not uproot her children from their extended family (and probably their father), understandably. Have you talked to someone about how you're losing out on these great relationships because of deal breakers from the woman's perspective? The first one you lost out on, you WERE open to marriage, but she could not uproot her kids. This one, you were NOT open to marriage. It must be painful to lose out on two good relationships like this and I cannot help but wonder if you are subconsciously finding a way to make these relationships unworkable (if that makes sense?) What will happen the next time you have a great connection with someone and can see yourself with her. Will you be willing to make sacrifices and/or changes in your mindset to make sure you don't lose her? 

I wish you happiness and a quick healing (and I hope you don't have to move into her new girlfriend's apartment complex!) But even more so, I hope when you are presented with an opportunity at a healthy, loving relationship with a good woman, you find reasons/ways to make it work for both of you.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, John Glasby said:

My god, this is just brutal. I'm sure it was because I saw them drive by yesterday, but I literally slept from 10pm to 1:00, and was then wide awake until work. 

It's just so painful knowing she's with someone, enjoying life, while I'm struggling to cope. 

I'm sure every little thing like this that happens will knock me back to square one. 

Trying to take it day to day. 

 

So, you've received consequences for your actions.  What have you learned from this? 

[John Glasby]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

So, you've received consequences for your actions.  What have you learned from this? 

I'm too tired to write the volumes this would require, but I took her love for granted and created a relationship which - at some point - was only meeting my needs. The shame I feel looking at this in hindsight is substantial. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, John Glasby said:

My god, this is just brutal. I'm sure it was because I saw them drive by yesterday, but I literally slept from 10pm to 1:00, and was then wide awake until work. 

It's just so painful knowing she's with someone, enjoying life, while I'm struggling to cope. 

I'm sure every little thing like this that happens will knock me back to square one. 

Trying to take it day to day. 

Yes, take it day by day. Stay focused on your work. Are you working? 

[John Glasby]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Yes, take it day by day. Stay focused on your work. Are you working? 

Yes, working. Hard to concentrate, but getting the job done.