Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[glows]

2 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Yes, working. Hard to concentrate, but getting the job done. 

 

That’s good. Keep at it, look at ways to improve, try a course or enjoy a few workshops. You won’t know what things you’re capable of until you push yourself to try. Also, have you looked into any other travel or adventures in surrounding areas? 

 

[John Glasby]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s good. Keep at it, look at ways to improve, try a course or enjoy a few workshops. You won’t know what things you’re capable of until you push yourself to try. Also, have you looked into any other travel or adventures in surrounding areas? 

 

I have a rock band here - that helps me get out of my head for a while. Will have to check out some travel ops. 

[John Glasby]

Well, finally a bit of good news. I was successful in getting an apartment in a different part of the community and will move next week. No more drive-by action. And I won't be stuck over in his apartment complex, which would have been a nightmare. So at least a change of house is in order. 

[healing light]

20 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Have you talked to someone about how you're losing out on these great relationships because of deal breakers from the woman's perspective?

 

Normally I'd agree with you, but John has been honest and upfront about these dealbreakers from the beginning with these women. He made the disclaimer, they decided to date him anyway, and then they got disappointed when they couldn't change his mind in the end. Not exactly his fault, imo. 

[healing light]

I just read an amazing book called the Placebo is You by Joe Dispenza (hopefully we are allowed to name books here). The power of associative memory is so very strong that I think it would be a good idea to move in order to help let go of the same thought processes that have been plaguing you, so I'm glad you are at least in a different environment in terms of an apartment complex that isn't in her path. One thing I learned from that read is that it's important to do things differently, even if it's as simple as cooking different meals, sleeping on the other side of the bed, taking different routes to work or coming up with another routine, etc. in order to assist with different thoughts and neural connections to become another version of you that you'd like to be. So I think anything that aids you in that regard--in terms of throwing out the things that remind you of her (or packing them away in a box out of sight) and creating new memories without her--will be a step in the right direction until you can leave the country for good.

[John Glasby]

I think that's really sound advice and makes a lot of sense. Thank you.  A new house, new routine, new route to work, etc., will hopefully help until the 6 or 9 months passes and I go (haven't decided if I'll go in Sept or Dec yet). 

And I appreciate what you said earlier about my being very upfront in the beginning about my "dealbreakers" ... but in truth, I carry a lot of guilt beyond the marriage thing in this relationship, because I know I took her for granted and got lazy, allowing her to feel like less and less a part of my life. As I said in my letter to her, I felt loved, but I lost sight of the fact that I was no longer making her feel loved. 

She may have been hoping I'd change my mind on marriage, but I bear the majority of the blame for bungling this relationship in million ways, large and small. 

Thanks for the helpful advice! 

[Mrsturgess]

How you doing John boy?

[John Glasby]

I'm hanging in there. Started taking an antidepressant that is helping me sleep and will be moving house in a couple days. Other than that, just trying to get used to the new normal and accepting the fact that someone I was so close to, I may never speak to again. 

Difficult, but hanging in there. How about you?

[vla1120]

On 4/4/2022 at 2:32 AM, John Glasby said:

I think that's really sound advice and makes a lot of sense. Thank you.  A new house, new routine, new route to work, etc., will hopefully help until the 6 or 9 months passes and I go (haven't decided if I'll go in Sept or Dec yet). 

And I appreciate what you said earlier about my being very upfront in the beginning about my "dealbreakers" ... but in truth, I carry a lot of guilt beyond the marriage thing in this relationship, because I know I took her for granted and got lazy, allowing her to feel like less and less a part of my life. As I said in my letter to her, I felt loved, but I lost sight of the fact that I was no longer making her feel loved. 

She may have been hoping I'd change my mind on marriage, but I bear the majority of the blame for bungling this relationship in million ways, large and small. 

Thanks for the helpful advice! 

Don't be too hard on yourself. I am glad you started on antidepressants. I think the real thing you need to explore is what you hope for your future and what type of life you see/want for yourself with a partner so that you will cultivate a relationship that is mutually beneficial when you do decide to start dating again and meet someone new. Until then, just take this time to self-reflect and feel whole on your own. 

[John Glasby]

Well, today was really hard. It's like two steps forward one step back. 

I was moving house all day (will finish the move in a couple days) and she was on my mind, literally the entire time. I have to mention, I am an extremely sentimental person, and moving always makes me sort of "homesick" - I remember all the little things and moments that happened in the place, etc. But this time it was brutal, remembering all the moments with her, wishing I could show her the new place and make more memories there. The cold reality is she's not far away with someone else making memories, and that really cuts me deep. 

I did have a sort of epiphany today though. I was thinking about how much pain I'm feeling, and I was thinking of ways that pain could actually be worse. I thought for a moment, it could be worse if you loved someone and asked them to marry and they said "no." ... Then I immediately realized, that's exactly what I did to her, except over a period of years. I wasn't saying "no" to her specifically, rejecting her as a partner, but I know that's what it must have felt like to her.

I have never been so affected by a relationship, and if you had asked me two weeks before she broke up with me how I would be if we broke up, I would have said, "I think I'll be fine." What a brutal reality check this whole thing has been. I would give anything if we could just be friends again, but I know that's impossible when she's in a relationship and I don't want it under those circumstances either. But damn, I do miss my friend. 

Sorry to whine. Emotional day for me. 

John

[glows]

You’re missing the friendship and that’s ok. I hope the move goes smoothly. 

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, John Glasby said:

I would give anything if we could just be friends again,

I can relate to that. I miss all my exes in a friendship way, too, not in a romantic/relationship way. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time at the moment, but progress is not linear, as you’ve probably experienced yourself. Some days are just tougher than others, and at some point you’ll be over it. 

[John Glasby]

Well, today was the big move and it was as tough as I anticipated. Of course, running back and forth between the new place and old place I saw her driving to work (she didn't see me). 

All day long I struggled with these thoughts of contacting her, telling her I want to fight for her, to leave the new guy and be with me. Don't worry, I have no intention of doing this, I know this is the worst possible time to reach out while she's in the honeymoon phase with a new boyfriend. She either wouldn't respond or shut me down. It's just emotional longing that makes me want to do this. To recapture what we had when we were a couple. 

I'm also increasingly worried this isn't going to get much easier when I leave here for good in September. The pain that's in my heart is so deep, I worry that I'll still feel it 10,000 miles away, wondering what she's doing, if she's still with him, etc. Hopefully not. The last time I had my heart broken, moving seemed to help a lot. 

It just hurts so much to know after 4 years as lovers and best friends, she could replace me in less than a month. I can't seem to get over that part, and I guess I never really will. I know she's not doing this to hurt me (she probably doesn't even know that I know), but it still feels that way. It feels like she went from being my best friend to being the one person in this place who doesn't want to talk to me and will avoid me if given the chance. That hurts.

John

 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Well, today was the big move and it was as tough as I anticipated. Of course, running back and forth between the new place and old place I saw her driving to work (she didn't see me). 

All day long I struggled with these thoughts of contacting her, telling her I want to fight for her, to leave the new guy and be with me. Don't worry, I have no intention of doing this, I know this is the worst possible time to reach out while she's in the honeymoon phase with a new boyfriend. She either wouldn't respond or shut me down. It's just emotional longing that makes me want to do this. To recapture what we had when we were a couple. 

I'm also increasingly worried this isn't going to get much easier when I leave here for good in September. The pain that's in my heart is so deep, I worry that I'll still feel it 10,000 miles away, wondering what she's doing, if she's still with him, etc. Hopefully not. The last time I had my heart broken, moving seemed to help a lot. 

It just hurts so much to know after 4 years as lovers and best friends, she could replace me in less than a month. I can't seem to get over that part, and I guess I never really will. I know she's not doing this to hurt me (she probably doesn't even know that I know), but it still feels that way. It feels like she went from being my best friend to being the one person in this place who doesn't want to talk to me and will avoid me if given the chance. That hurts.

John

 

Good you're moving on, moving forward and taking better care of your physical and mental health.

She (not unlike you) has not had her heart in this for a long time. She didn't "replace you quickly", she has probably wanted someone committed, stable and reliable for a long time, but hoped you would change or thought she would give you the benefit of the doubt.

So after 4 years of this going nowhere it's best for both of you to follow your own separate paths forward.

[Mrsturgess]

You’ll feel completely different by September John. Breakups always feel that most crazy thing like you say when somebody goes from being your no1 confidante to completely cut out of your life and it’s very hard to comprehend. Time is the only solution. Again not a magic pill, but could you go on a holiday for a week or 2 somewhere, see some other people be away from the 24/7 in your face slightly in the immediate future?

[John Glasby]

Man, I learned some really troubling news today talking to a mutual friend.

The dude my ex is with is a lawyer in the company who's notorious for changing girlfriends like he changes underwear.  Money, yes, but a rep as a serial dater, hard partier, troller of the secretarial pool. You know the type. I have no doubt the minute he heard we broke up, he swooped in and for whatever reason she went for it. I know she knows the type and is smarter than that. He's not even good looking. The only upside I see for her is the wining and dining and trips and whatnot. But I can't believe she sees him as "the one" material, because she knows his reputation, I'm sure. This makes me think she literally just wanted to skip past the pain of breaking up and immediately have someone else to occupy her time and validate her self worth and attractiveness or something. 

I find it really troubling. I thought I knew her better than that. I know she's had lots of boyfriends in the past (before coming here), but to immediately go from a 4.5 year relationship to this kind of guy is not only troubling, people in her peer group are even trying to figure out what's up with her. It's like she can't exist unless she is in a relationship.  It has all the signs of a reckless tailspin rebound, and I always thought she was more sensible than that. 

I don't know. It makes me sad, but also ... seeing what she wound up with, I feel less like a loser and more like perhaps I dodged a bullet with her. 

[Mrsturgess]

She might end up even worse off in the long run as sounds like the chances of that having longevity are slim and then when that comes crashing down she’ll be in a whirlwind of pain having to process that and then An inevitable possibly delayed reaction to breaking up with you. Sounds like a positive in a way though for you mindset as she’s clearly desperate, in a way, rather than been genuinely loved up by some charming top drawer salt of the Earth fella

[vla1120]

 

29 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

It's like she can't exist unless she is in a relationship.

There are a lot of people who think they cannot exist unless they are in a relationship and will stay in a "bad" one because it is better than being alone. 

29 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

I don't know. It makes me sad, but also ... seeing what she wound up with, I feel less like a loser and more like perhaps I dodged a bullet with her. 

You never should have felt like a loser. You made it very clear the type of relationship you were willing to have and she wanted something different. I'm not sure why she would go with someone who is clearly a serial dater and probably is not going to propose to her, but who knows? Either way, if what it takes for you to get through this is to believe you dodged a bullet with her, then keep that mindset to help you move forward. Gently, just be careful about staying up to date on her status with mutual friends. Likely no good will come from that for you, only more pain. 

[John Glasby]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

 

There are a lot of people who think they cannot exist unless they are in a relationship and will stay in a "bad" one because it is better than being alone. 

You never should have felt like a loser. You made it very clear the type of relationship you were willing to have and she wanted something different. I'm not sure why she would go with someone who is clearly a serial dater and probably is not going to propose to her, but who knows? Either way, if what it takes for you to get through this is to believe you dodged a bullet with her, then keep that mindset to help you move forward. Gently, just be careful about staying up to date on her status with mutual friends. Likely no good will come from that for you, only more pain. 

Thank you. And I agree - but in this case, it was nice to hear someone who knows us both (actually, she knows her better than she knows me) shake her head and say that people are a shocked and perplexed by what she's doing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

We don't always make the best choices in dating, which may extend to her right now. 

But keep in mind, only they know the dynamic between them. Nobody else. Not coworkers and not even friends, reallly. Don't assume all the rumors are true. They may be, or there may some exaggerations and half-truths spinkled in there. 

Additionally, it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything to be worried about. She's a big girl. I would imagine she is capable of handling some heartbreak, should it come to that. It sounds like people are making this out to be much more dramatic than it really is. So maybe he's a player. Meh. She'll learn the hard way, if that's true.  It appears her friends' pearl-clutching is a little over-the-top. I would ask them to stop sharing these thoughts with you, in any case. It won't help you move forward. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, John Glasby said:

shake her head and say that people are a shocked and perplexed by what she's doing. 

That's ok but avoid going into details about your breakup. Especially with her friends. They were just being nice, but talk to your own people about it.

Your ex is not doing anything shocking or perplexing. You ended it and she started seeing someone more suitable. That's par for the course.

[basil67]

What makes you think this is “the one”?   It’s highly likely she’s just out having sexy fun and letting off some steam after her last relationship went nowhere.  I mean, who could reasonably deny her that?

And no matter what she’s doing, it’s really none of your business now.  And while you think you may have dodged a bullet, there every chance she’s returning the sentiment.  

With regards to people being shocked and perplexed at her choices post breakup, I suspect this points to the fact she’s been discreet about her reasons for breaking up.  Anyone who knew why she really left would not be judging her at all.  

All in all though, after the heartache you caused, why do you feel you have the to judge her current choices?  

Edited April 13, 2022 by basil67

[John Glasby]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

What makes you think this is “the one”?   It’s highly likely she’s just out having sexy fun and letting off some steam after her last relationship went nowhere.  I mean, who could reasonably deny her that?

And no matter what she’s doing, it’s really none of your business now.  And while you think you may have dodged a bullet, there every chance she’s returning the sentiment.  

I don't think he's "the one" - I wrote that in a confusing way.  What I was trying to say was I can't believe (as in I don't think) she could see him as "the one" given his reputation. Given the crowd he runs with and his reputation for going after secretaries, what I suspect is that he learned quickly that we'd broken up and swooped in with the wining and dining, and for whatever reason, she jumped on board. Maybe this is how she purges me from the memory bank - getting into a relationship quickly. I don't know. I'm not equipped emotionally to do that, but apparently she is. What I suspect is that they're using each other for different reasons - but as you say, it's none of my business. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

[BrinnM]

20 hours ago, John Glasby said:

He's not even good looking. The only upside I see for her is the wining and dining and trips and whatnot. But I can't believe she sees him as "the one" material, because she knows his reputation, I'm sure. This makes me think she literally just wanted to skip past the pain of breaking up and immediately have someone else to occupy her time

Good looking is in the eye of the beholder. And women, me included, find other things attractive, not just mere looks. Maybe he's confident, successful, generous, and funny (very important: good sense of humor). I mean, you don't know that. And the wining & dining (you don't know if that happens, either) is a nice bonus. Maybe he's a good lover, maybe she has always had a crush on him, and like I said, we/you don't know that. If he's really that flashy of a personality, it's not surprising that men and women in your circle would make negative remarks, because people like that always draw a lot of attention to themselves, positive and sometimes negative. If he were a wallflower, nobody would notice him, and nobody would comment. 

I also don't understand what bothers you about her moving on with, and I quote, "someone else to occupy her time". Well, what's the alternative? Her ruminating about her relationship with you that led nowhere? You literally pushed her away telling her there's no future; the relationship would have been over once your contract expires anyway. It may hurt your feelings that she moved on so quickly, but if that's the way she wants to heal, that's her God given right. And maybe he's the one. You don't know that. You're making assumptions based on what other people tell you. These are rumors, nothing to be taken seriously. People always talk, and they usually tell us what we want to hear. I would never put my money on hearsay.       

Edited April 13, 2022 by BrinnM

[John Glasby]

Brinn, everything you say is true.