Heartbroken, and I deserve it

[basil67]

9 hours ago, John Glasby said:

Maybe this is how she purges me from the memory bank - getting into a relationship quickly. I don't know. I'm not equipped emotionally to do that, but apparently she is. What I suspect is that they're using each other for different reasons - but as you say, it's none of my business. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I'll roll it back a bit.  You said that you think she's doing this to skip the pain of the break up.  But here's the thing, her pain was when she was with you, and it got worse and worse till she decided she needed to leave.   And once she had left, the pain stopped.   And so now she's having fun simply because she can.   If she'd been blindsided by a breakup, then I'm sure she would have needed some time to recover.  It's the difference between being the dumper and the dumpee.   

There are no bullets to dodge.  Her behaviour isn't troubling.  She's just a woman who's free from a relationship which was going nowhere and is out having fun.   

 

[John Glasby]

basil, I don't disagree with anything you say.  

The sad truth is simply that I feel lost without her. I learned, too late, what she truly meant to me, and the fact that she's with someone else already only makes me more hopeless and desperate because I'm completely powerless to do literally anything. 

The old cliche "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" has never been so true, or so painful. 

[basil67]

Or is it about wanting what you can't have?  By the sounds of things, you weren't very engaged in seeing her by the end of the relationship, so it doesn't sound like you missed her company all that much at the time.   I'm not trying to pile on here, but your actions at the time weren't one of a man who really loved and wanted to be with her.  So it's probably fair to question whether or not love is behind what you're feeling now. 

 

[John Glasby]

I see your point, and on paper, I would agree with you. But the fact is, we were always in contact every day with texts, and goodnights, and whatnot, and the 'closeness' to me did not have to always be physical. I always felt like we were a very close couple. It's simply that after two or three years, I didn't lust after sex five times a week, and I could be content with just seeing her on the weekend (in fairness, we would often have a dinner during the week). I don't mean to get down into the weeds - I know I was not giving her he attention she needed in the end. I make no excuses. I got lazy and took her for granted. 

And I agree - I question myself whether this is love and longing, or just wanting what I can't have. But the pain of losing my closest friend and companion is so deep, it's almost crippling. Just because I got lazy in the end doesn't mean there wasn't love there. I'd venture that most relationships experience that at some point. 

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Just because I got lazy in the end doesn't mean there wasn't love there. I'd venture that most relationships experience that at some point. 

Yes, indeed. 

However, spending time together in person is a very different type of closeness that texts or phone calls cannot offer. That's true even if you're not having sex all the time. Even just spending time in each other's company can help keep the bond strong. Digital communication is not a sufficient substitute for most people.

And for her, it wasn't enough anymore. Her interest waned and she wanted to feel desired and wanted again. When your own partner isn't making time to see you, you are ripe to seek out more fulfilling connections elsewhere because you realize your needs are no longer compatible. Your and her expectations were too mismatched for this to have worked out in the long-run. 

[John Glasby]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, indeed. 

However, spending time together in person is a very different type of closeness that texts or phone calls cannot offer. That's true even if you're not having sex all the time. Even just spending time in each other's company can help keep the bond strong. Digital communication is not a sufficient substitute for most people.

And for her, it wasn't enough anymore. Her interest waned and she wanted to feel desired and wanted again. When your own partner isn't making time to see you, you are ripe to seek out more fulfilling connections elsewhere because you realize your needs are no longer compatible. Your and her expectations were too mismatched for this to have worked out in the long-run. 

Actually, I'd like to think "when you're own partner isn't making time to see you, you are ripe to" talk about it and work it out, not "seek out more fulfilling connections elsewhere." But maybe that's asking too much.  

Nevertheless, I think the marriage issue was the primary driver of the need to end it, not how many times we saw each other during the week. That was an issue, but not the primary one, in my view. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

Actually, I'd like to think "when you're own partner isn't making time to see you, you are ripe to" talk about it and work it out, not "seek out more fulfilling connections elsewhere." But maybe that's asking too much.  

I didn't mean cheating. I meant realizing that your partner isn't a match for you, and freeing yourself so you can find someone more suited. 

What was there to work out? You'd made it clear you weren't interested in marriage. She is. She likely understood that talking about wanting to see you more wasn't going to lead to what she ultimately wants anyway. 

And you're underestimating the importance of how often you saw her. She wanted a closer connection and that was going to be impossible if you couldn't find the motivation to see her more frequently. So yes, it follows that marriage was a big factor. But your lack of interest in staying more connected (by spending time together in person) did damage over time as well. Most don't want to feel like they're primarily having a relationship through their phone, John. 

Edited April 14, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[assertives]

I do think that how often you saw each other in person and the marriage issue are interconnected though. They are not seperate issues on their own. You have made it abundantly clear that you won't marry her right up to this year when she brought it up again. Add that to the fact that you are actively talking about leaving this year when your contract ends, and seeing each other less often, you were very much showing her that she is not going to be a part of your future and that you are fading out of the relationship, or as she put it "demoting the relationship".

She did try to have another talk with you about getting married as you have admitted. But you stood firm in your stance and since both you and her know she cannot follow you back unless you guys are married, you've essentially told her that you are only going to be here for a good time and not for a long time. 

I would also question if the emotions you are going through now is actually that of love, or are they stemming from a lost of control or your ego. I read your entire thread and it didn't struck me that you loved her. In fact, it sounded rather one-sided and all on your terms. And then you said this:

On 3/24/2022 at 9:56 AM, John Glasby said:

I did worry over the last year or two how the end would come - because I didn't want to hurt her, but I knew somehow I would as she couldn't go with me if we weren't married. And I know it's stupidly unrealistic, but I had sort of settled on a scenario where we would be in a long-distance relationship between England and America for a while, with frequent visits, and then I knew at some point she'd become involved with someone else and I'd wish her all the best. Being thousands of miles away, I didn't think it would hurt. 

Frankly, this sounds like you're doing her a favor by being in a relationship with her. Personally, I would be devastated (and pissed) if someone I loved feels this way about whatever is left of our future together. When two people truly love each other and wants to be together, they will work together to find whatever ways possible to make things work. You know, this is random, but I'm suddenly reminded of a generic piece of advice that I heard a YouTuber give out in one of his Q&A type videos on relationship advice was to be with someone who puts in the same amount of energy towards the relationship as you are. Seems like you haven't been matching her energy towards the relationship for awhile. 

Don't go around analyzing her behaviour now. It is pointless and will keep you stuck. She is free to do what she wants with her life, whether it's to get married tomorrow or have a FWB arrangement with the town's serial flirt, it's her prerogative. You question her dating decision/choice in partners, but don't forget you too were one of her questionable decisions in dating, wasting time in a relationship that was going no where when she wanted to get married and settle down. Who knows, maybe something good can come out with this guy or if it'll crash and burn.

I agree that there are no bullets to be dodged here. You both are heading in different directions and the relationship isn't meeting both your needs. 

Focus on your own healing and ask your mutual friends to stop updating you about her.

 

[glows]

On 4/12/2022 at 10:23 AM, John Glasby said:

Man, I learned some really troubling news today talking to a mutual friend.

The dude my ex is with is a lawyer in the company who's notorious for changing girlfriends like he changes underwear.  Money, yes, but a rep as a serial dater, hard partier, troller of the secretarial pool. You know the type. I have no doubt the minute he heard we broke up, he swooped in and for whatever reason she went for it. I know she knows the type and is smarter than that. He's not even good looking. The only upside I see for her is the wining and dining and trips and whatnot. But I can't believe she sees him as "the one" material, because she knows his reputation, I'm sure. This makes me think she literally just wanted to skip past the pain of breaking up and immediately have someone else to occupy her time and validate her self worth and attractiveness or something. 

I find it really troubling. I thought I knew her better than that. I know she's had lots of boyfriends in the past (before coming here), but to immediately go from a 4.5 year relationship to this kind of guy is not only troubling, people in her peer group are even trying to figure out what's up with her. It's like she can't exist unless she is in a relationship.  It has all the signs of a reckless tailspin rebound, and I always thought she was more sensible than that. 

I don't know. It makes me sad, but also ... seeing what she wound up with, I feel less like a loser and more like perhaps I dodged a bullet with her. 

This bitterness and anger will pass but you’ve got to let it go. You seem to be going through the process of letting go. Work on being more productive with plans of your own.

Running into mutual circles and thinking about her are inevitable and you may not like it but slowly distance yourself.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, John Glasby said:

 Just because I got lazy in the end doesn't mean there wasn't love there. 

This is a fantastic lesson. Getting lazy destroys things. 

Just like no one would be "shocked and perplexed" when your car won't run if you never change the oil and neglect it to the point of it becoming a junkheap.

When you do that in relationships expect the same result. There's no point at looking at a gleaming maserati go by and wondering why your neglected vehicle isn't like that for you.

Treating your depression, inertia and negativity is a great first step in improving your life and how you treat everyone and everything in it.

Edited April 14, 2022 by Wiseman2

[John Glasby]

1 hour ago, assertives said:

I do think that how often you saw each other in person and the marriage issue are interconnected though. They are not seperate issues on their own. You have made it abundantly clear that you won't marry her right up to this year when she brought it up again. Add that to the fact that you are actively talking about leaving this year when your contract ends, and seeing each other less often, you were very much showing her that she is not going to be a part of your future and that you are fading out of the relationship, or as she put it "demoting the relationship".

She did try to have another talk with you about getting married as you have admitted. But you stood firm in your stance and since both you and her know she cannot follow you back unless you guys are married, you've essentially told her that you are only going to be here for a good time and not for a long time. 

I would also question if the emotions you are going through now is actually that of love, or are they stemming from a lost of control or your ego. I read your entire thread and it didn't struck me that you loved her. In fact, it sounded rather one-sided and all on your terms. And then you said this:

Frankly, this sounds like you're doing her a favor by being in a relationship with her. Personally, I would be devastated (and pissed) if someone I loved feels this way about whatever is left of our future together. When two people truly love each other and wants to be together, they will work together to find whatever ways possible to make things work. You know, this is random, but I'm suddenly reminded of a generic piece of advice that I heard a YouTuber give out in one of his Q&A type videos on relationship advice was to be with someone who puts in the same amount of energy towards the relationship as you are. Seems like you haven't been matching her energy towards the relationship for awhile. 

Don't go around analyzing her behaviour now. It is pointless and will keep you stuck. She is free to do what she wants with her life, whether it's to get married tomorrow or have a FWB arrangement with the town's serial flirt, it's her prerogative. You question her dating decision/choice in partners, but don't forget you too were one of her questionable decisions in dating, wasting time in a relationship that was going no where when she wanted to get married and settle down. Who knows, maybe something good can come out with this guy or if it'll crash and burn.

I agree that there are no bullets to be dodged here. You both are heading in different directions and the relationship isn't meeting both your needs. 

Focus on your own healing and ask your mutual friends to stop updating you about her.

 

assertives, you make a lot of very valid points. Thank you. 

I hope you all understand that I know, looking back, how unfair this situation was, and how (passively) cruel it was to convince myself she could be happy in a lop-sided relationship with a built-in expiration date.  It was ridiculous and immature of me, and I accept full blame. I felt a sense that she needed me more than I needed her, and I simply enjoyed having her as a wonderful girlfriend for this "chapter" of my life, but did not see a future together beyond that. I was living in a fantasy and expected her to play along. I feel ashamed of that. 

This entire thread has simply been a writer trying to cope with loss of a lover and cherished friend. I solve problems by talking them out - or in this case, writing them out. Unfortunately, this is a problem I cannot solve, because I'm the victim of my own foolish device, and I can't turn back time, or even ask her to wait while I change my mind. Love can mean many things, and I know there are those who will say "if you really loved her, you would have married her." The truth is, I know I love her. That's why our sudden and unexpected estrangement has dealt such a blow to my emotional health and, yes, my ego. Some days are slightly better than others. Some days I'm in almost breakdown-level anxiety and depression. For a while, I was losing weight due to lack of appetite - thankfully, the anti-depressant gives me the munchies! 

But the bitter reality is there is nothing I can do right now. So I must let time run its course. Someday, perhaps we will be able to rekindle some form of friendship across the waters, or maybe even more. But that chapter is far down the road, and by that point, it may be that I no longer have any feelings left. What will be will be. Acceptance is the challenge before me. 

I thank you all for your considered input. I know everyone means well, and the viewpoints have all been appreciated. Unless something important or noteworthy happens in the days ahead, I'll try to refrain from posting here. I do, in fact, need to try to let this go. It's simply out of my hands. 

Thank you,

"John" 

[glows]

4 hours ago, John Glasby said:

Love can mean many things, and I know there are those who will say "if you really loved her, you would have married her." The truth is, I know I love her. That's why our sudden and unexpected estrangement has dealt such a blow to my emotional health and, yes, my ego.

You have issues with the concept of marriage predating any of this relationship or its demise. You’re entitled to that and may need to find someone more compatible with you if you don’t wish to change. You both were just not compatible from the start. 

I actually don’t think you took her forgranted. You were just too different and both of you ignored your differences for too long until they bothered one of you enough to end it. The relationship should never have lasted as long as it did. 

[basil67]

17 hours ago, John Glasby said:

I see your point, and on paper, I would agree with you. But the fact is, we were always in contact every day with texts, and goodnights, and whatnot, and the 'closeness' to me did not have to always be physical. I always felt like we were a very close couple. It's simply that after two or three years, I didn't lust after sex five times a week, and I could be content with just seeing her on the weekend (in fairness, we would often have a dinner during the week). I don't mean to get down into the weeds - I know I was not giving her he attention she needed in the end. I make no excuses. I got lazy and took her for granted. 

And I agree - I question myself whether this is love and longing, or just wanting what I can't have. But the pain of losing my closest friend and companion is so deep, it's almost crippling. Just because I got lazy in the end doesn't mean there wasn't love there. I'd venture that most relationships experience that at some point. 

See the bolded: I think you're an outlier here.   Most couples would be getting physically closer after these years - like living together.   But you seem to be seeing her less because the sex frequency had dwindled????   Correct me if I'm wrong - I'm not sure I understand.

I also agree with @ExpatInItaly about your ex not raising a discussion about not seeing you enough.  What would the point of the discussion be when she already knew that you weren't willing to deliver the kind of relationship she wanted?    

Yes, many relationships can get lazy and need a bit of a boost from time.  But they at least get to the point of living together or marriage.  You got lazy before it even got to that point.

 

Edited April 14, 2022 by basil67

[BrinnM]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But you seem to be seeing her less because the sex frequency had dwindled????   Correct me if I'm wrong - I'm not sure I understand.

I think he meant that he was “content” getting together less, as he is not that “needy” of a person, for lack of a better word. He felt close even if they were not physically together in the same apartment or room. And after a few years the sex had gone from wild to normal, like in every relationship. 

[John Glasby]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

See the bolded: I think you're an outlier here.   Most couples would be getting physically closer after these years - like living together.   But you seem to be seeing her less because the sex frequency had dwindled????   Correct me if I'm wrong - I'm not sure I understand.

To be honest, I'm tired of trying to explain my actions - I've copped to everything I've done that made her feel unfulfilled in the relationship. I get it. I am an outlier - I never claimed to be otherwise. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, BrinnM said:

I think he meant that he was “content” getting together less, as he is not that “needy” of a person, for lack of a better word. He felt close even if they were not physically together in the same apartment or room. And after a few years the sex had gone from wild to normal, like in every relationship. 

Yes, and the problem is that it seems this particular woman didn't feel that way.

He would be better-served by finding a woman whose idea of closeness matches his. This woman's needs and desires were incompatible with OP's. 

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

To be honest, I'm tired of trying to explain my actions - I've copped to everything I've done that made her feel unfulfilled in the relationship. I get it. I am an outlier - I never claimed to be otherwise. 

I think your actions have been clearly explained.  You didn't want a life which involved marriage or co-habiting and as such, this didn't work out because she wanted more.

The bit I don't understand is why you're demonising your ex for living her life now that she's out of the relationship.  I mean, I get that feelings aren't always logical, but there comes a time when, for the sake of our mental health, it's wise to remind ourselves that we aren't being logical. 

You also have your whole life in front of you and are free to find a woman who doesn't want to marry or cohabit.   My father in law found himself a girlfriend after he was widowed and they lived very happily in separate houses, just visiting each other on weekends - so this kind of relationship is out there.  Just make sure that if she starts to want more, that you are very clear about the fact you will not change.  That way, neither of you will be wasting the time of the other.

 

[FMW]

On 3/23/2022 at 9:14 PM, John Glasby said:

I have always felt that if the day ever came when I was handed a terminal illness, I would prefer to end my own life than suffer a brutal debilitation and death (I've witnessed that with both parents). Part of my fear of marriage is the commitment, because I could not do that if I was married - I would feel too much responsibility to ever hurt my partner like that. So, in that sense, marriage would strip me of an option I've long held as a possibility in my life. 

This struck me immediately upon reading.  

I have posted on this forum about not wanting to marry (again) and about not wanting to live with anyone (again).  But I'm in a relationship now with someone I love and who loves me.  Marrying him would not make me feel more responsibility for not hurting him with choices in my life.  You mentioned earlier you had no problem with commitment, but at least for me, commitment includes the same emotional responsibilities as marriage.  Otherwise, the relationship, to me, would just be a casual one. 

 

 

[basil67]

sorry, I went off topic

Edited April 15, 2022 by basil67

[John Glasby]

I know I'll probably get hammered for "demonizing" my ex, which I am not trying to do, but I found out some information a couple days ago that, I think, paints a clearer picture of how she and I could be handling this breakup so differently (i.e., me crushed and her headlong into a new relationship). 

The same mutual friend bumped into her the other day and said the ex is all excited talking about "we're going to ___ over the Eid holiday, then we're looking at going to ____ this summer." She didn't even explain that she and I were no longer a couple, I guess she just assumed everyone knew. Anyway, she also mentioned she met his parents over skype and one can assume he'll meet hers soon if not already. Bottom line, this relationship is really moving quickly, which I take to mean she does see him as marriage material, which is fine. 

But something that helped me see this from a much more objective perspective was that this friend was recalling the Navy guy my ex dated for a bit before we got together. I never cared anything about who she dated before me, but I do recall one time referring to him as "that boyfriend you had" and she said, "I wouldn't really call him a 'boyfriend'". But this mutual friend said they were serious enough that when the guy had to travel through London (ex's hometown) she had her Dad meet him. Ultimately, he didn't stay in close enough daily contact with her (which she expects) and she dumped him. 

But the mutual friend recalled the exact time they broke up, and so I looked at a calendar from five years ago and realized she broke up with this guy exactly 3-4 weeks before she got involved with me, and she made the first move with me (I'd had a crush on her but was very leery of being the "old guy" making a move on a younger girl, so I happily let her make the first move.) This appears to be the exact length of time she took between our relationship ending and getting with a new guy. And I wouldn't even be surprised if it was she who initiated, not him (not that it matters). 

But I think I see a pattern. I know she's had a lot more relationships than I have, and I would be willing to bet that is simply how she copes when one ends - she gets right back out there and finds someone new. I'm not judging that - in fact, it makes me feel slightly better, because I no longer worry that this relationship was forming while we were still together. I've been on the receiving end of her fast-tracking a new relationship and there was no monkey business beforehand, just friendship. She just doesn't want to take a breath and process anything after a relationship ends - she just finds someone new. 

I'll admit, this makes me feel like our relationship was not as important to her as I thought it was - I think I was in the right place at the right time, there was mutual attraction, and she made a wonderful girlfriend for 4+ years, knowing I wasn't interested in marriage. But when she came to the conclusion I was never going to change my mind, and her sister started asking why she was still in a dead-end relationship, she was capable of throwing a switch in her heart, ending the relationship and finding someone new very quickly. Any romantic notion I had of me being "the one" for her and her being heartsick was probably ill-conceived. I think she probably doesn't attach herself on an emotional level quite as deeply as I do, and that's why I'm sitting here gutted that she found someone new so quickly, while she's having the time of her life and probably hasn't had one thought about me in weeks. I suspect she wanted every guy she's dated to propose marriage and for whatever reason they haven't, so she just moves on. 

As I say, I know some of you will rail at me for psychoanalyzing her, but I'm simply trying to come to peace with the way she ended our relationship so quickly and seemingly burned the bridge to any sort of friendship or reconciliation by replacing me with another guy from this same little community so quickly. As much as it hurts to say, I doubt she and I will ever speak again - and if you'd told me that in January, I simply couldn't have believed it. For me, a four year relationship is something I can't just turn off. 

Just sharing this as it gets me one step closer to the closer I guess I'm looking for. It still hurts just as bad because I'm so close to it. And I honestly feel like someone I felt so close to suddenly had a lobotomy and doesn't even remember me (much less ever wants to talk to me), but as you have all said, everyone handles things differently, and this appears to be her way of handing relationships once they're over. 

John

[BrinnM]

28 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

As I say, I know some of you will rail at me for psychoanalyzing her

That's OK. I think it's a normal thing to do if you want to process the end of a relationship. You look at all the different angles, and that includes her mindset, and even though you'll never know what's really going on in someone's heart and mind, it gives us a certain sense of control if we think we've figured the other person out and understand why they did what they did. Even if it's really just speculation, nothing more.

 

30 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

someone I felt so close to suddenly had a lobotomy

I mean, not really. She was with you because she liked/loved you, and she made the only decision that was possible for her at that time. Not only did she know you wouldn't want to marry her, but she also knew you would literally leave the country (and her) in the foreseeable future. And if you look at it that way, you can almost say that it was you who ended the relationship, not her. Not sure if that makes you feel better, but I see you as somebody who likes to be in control on all fronts, and by telling her that you won't be around to be her BF any longer a few months from now, you basically took the decision in your own hands. You're not the victim of a sudden, unexpected breakup.

[John Glasby]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

I mean, not really. She was with you because she liked/loved you, and she made the only decision that was possible for her at that time. Not only did she know you wouldn't want to marry her, but she also knew you would literally leave the country (and her) in the foreseeable future. And if you look at it that way, you can almost say that it was you who ended the relationship, not her. Not sure if that makes you feel better, but I see you as somebody who likes to be in control on all fronts, and by telling her that you won't be around to be her BF any longer a few months from now, you basically took the decision in your own hands. You're not the victim of a sudden, unexpected breakup.

I see your point and to the extend that I kept hanging that out there - yes, I am responsible for putting her in breakup mode, I'm sure. And yes, I'm sure I am a bit of a control freak. But the breakup truly was shocking to me, as I just didn't ever envision her wanting to break up - I assumed we'd try to make a go of it long-distance as a sort of "winding down" phase. I realize this was supremely arrogant on my part, and unrealistic. But as unrealistic as I was, that's why the break up caught me so off guard. From a thousand feet up, it wasn't sudden - but from down in the weeds where I was, it sure felt that way. 

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, John Glasby said:

But when she came to the conclusion I was never going to change my mind, and her sister started asking why she was still in a dead-end relationship, she was capable of throwing a switch in her heart, ending the relationship and finding someone new very quickly.

Some people can do this. My oldest daughter is one of them. She'll lament the end of a relationship for a brief period, but she has a switch, and when the switch goes off, it's permanent and she doesn't give the relationship or the guy another thought. I don't understand it, but I wish I had that capability. 

[John Glasby]

Hi everyone.

Just checking in to say, now three months from the breakup, two months from realizing she's in a new relationship, I'm as heartbroken as ever. 

I just can't seem to move on from thoughts that I should have married her, will never love again, and that I should let her know I've changed my mind. But I KNOW this would not work - she is so focussed on her new guy, it would only make me seem pathetic and quite possibly be publicly humiliating if word got out (which I imagine it would). I honestly think at the point she broke up with me, she was no longer in love with me, in spite of all the tears. If she's in a honeymoon phase with the new guy, I think a letter from me would be counterproductive to getting her back. Of course I've written a beautiful draft filled with romantic, heartfelt, truths, but I simply don't feel she could read it with an open heart - not while she's so clearly into someone new. I'll never send it.

At the same time, then I have these moments of cold reality where I think about how she transitioned from a long-term, serious relationship with me to a serious relationship with another guy in just 3-4 weeks time, and I ask myself, could I be with someone who can do that?  I am so heartsick for her I tell myself I could overcome this, but I know the memory would be a scar. Trust would be an issue. I feel like she doesn't connect in a relationship as deeply as I do (which I know is ironic). I just want the pain to stop and it seems like the only antidote is to be with her again, even if it were a short-term relief. 

I'm just screwed. I love her, and so deeply miss what we had, and can't imagine happiness in my future without her, yet I know I am in no position to be with her again as I'm leaving 4.5 months and she'll probably still be going strong with the new guy. Multiple sources have said he is a notorious player and has been through (at least) three different secretaries in his 3 years here, so I don't think this relationship will last, but I don't expect it to end before I leave. 

I am just really deeply messed up by the unexpected heartbreak of this relationship, and it's really dragging me down. I'm sorry to whine. I hoped I'd be doing better by now. I can only pray that when I have 10,000 miles between us, the pain will gradually fade. I don't think it can while I'm still in this community where every building, every street corner, every experience was shared with her. I've seen her walking around the office area and I feel like she's now someone else - someone who would walk out of her way to avoid me if she saw me coming, and that i's so painful given how close we were. 

I really think she's a much tougher customer than I am when it comes to relationships - and I know that's ironic given I built our relationship on a lack of commitment. At the end of the day, I was so attached to her, and I didn't even realize it. 

John

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, John Glasby said:

  I'm leaving 4.5 months 

Keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Your new place, location, job etc. The loneliness is temporary because it's silly to start something up if you are leaving, but once you are settled in you'll be fine dating again.