blushing_haze Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 New to this site and I'm seeking advice on what may be a potential affair in the future. There's a lot of gray area in my situation and I know everyone has a story about their experiences in this topic. I'm just confused and nervous over what may come. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 5 minutes ago, blushing_haze said: New to this site and I'm seeking advice on what may be a potential affair in the future. There's a lot of gray area in my situation. Who is married? You or whoever you are interested in or both of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 13, 2022 Author Share Posted March 13, 2022 I'm married. He's single, but divorced. My marriage has taken on more of a caretaker role for me rather than a husband/wife partnership. His divorce is from a similar situation where she took advantage of him. So we have a bit of a connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 10 minutes ago, blushing_haze said: I'm married. He's single, but divorced. My marriage has taken on more of a caretaker role for me rather than a husband/wife partnership. You you both elderly? Are either of your (ex) spouses in a hospice/nursing home? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 13, 2022 Share Posted March 13, 2022 16 minutes ago, blushing_haze said: I'm married. He's single, but divorced. My marriage has taken on more of a caretaker role for me rather than a husband/wife partnership. His divorce is from a similar situation where she took advantage of him. So we have a bit of a connection. Is your husband taking advantage of you? It’s not clear whether you’re a victim of your marriage(being taken advantaged of) or a voluntary caretaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 13, 2022 Author Share Posted March 13, 2022 I'm 36. Husband is 48. My husband has been battling mental health issues for quite some time. We have him on medication and in therapy. He's not working so I'm the sole breadwinner. I want to support him as much as I can, but I'm starting to wonder if I am enabling him. He acts quite helpless without me and hasn't been fulfilling his word on keeping the home in order while I support us financially. I'm not saying he's not doing anything because he does. But it's usually when I'm off work and we're spending the day together. This has been the trend for the past 3 years and its getting worse with time even with the medication and therapy. I don't dare give him an ultimatum because I seriously don't think he could survive without someone supporting him. I do love him. I love him very much, but I know I'm not IN love with him. Simply put, I'm sacrificing my happiness for his. I see no future when I look at him. Just what might come tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 3 hours ago, blushing_haze said: I'm 36. Husband is 48. My husband has been battling mental health issues for quite some time. We have him on medication and in therapy. He's not working so I'm the sole breadwinner. I want to support him as much as I can, but I'm starting to wonder if I am enabling him. He acts quite helpless without me and hasn't been fulfilling his word on keeping the home in order while I support us financially. I'm not saying he's not doing anything because he does. But it's usually when I'm off work and we're spending the day together. This has been the trend for the past 3 years and its getting worse with time even with the medication and therapy. I don't dare give him an ultimatum because I seriously don't think he could survive without someone supporting him. I do love him. I love him very much, but I know I'm not IN love with him. Simply put, I'm sacrificing my happiness for his. I see no future when I look at him. Just what might come tomorrow. He’ll survive. Suicide threats are ways to control you and keep you there or feeling sorry or immobilized. Practice better care for your emotional and mental health. You seem to be neglecting yourself and your needs in a relationship. Have you tried to seek counselling privately? I dealt with something similar in my previous marriage. I know others who have left marriages due to gambling addictions as well and untreated depression. Your husband is being treated so refer him to his doctors and seek help for yourself. My advice is to speak with a counsellor in private so you can speak about your stresses in your marriage and have a sounding board instead of running away from your problems and looking at another man as an option. You choose the way you’d like to live. Yes, I do think you’re enabling him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 OP, getting involved with someone else will make your situation worse, even if the attention and affection feels good in the moment. Imagine this: you have some side action with this other man. You feel lifted and bright and dizzy from the sudden thrill..but then the other guy starts to distance himself. Or isn't as interested as time goes on. You will feel that crash very hard as you wonder where he went, as you're still stuck in an unhappy marriage. The heady highs will be accompanied by terrible lows, and more than like feelings of extreme guilt. The brief moments of excitment won't be worth it. Especially if your husband happens to find out. Imagine how he will handle that news. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, blushing_haze said: I'm not IN love with him. Simply put, I'm sacrificing my happiness for his. I see no future when I look at him. How long have you been married? Talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. Affairs are just a band-aid on cancer. Your problems will not only continue, they will be compounded. You're not his mother, psychiatrist or nurse. You're burning yourself out. Slithering around with someone else won't fix you, your marriage or your husband. It won't cancel out your resentment or contempt. However having the courage to consult an attorney for advice and guidance on how to extricate yourself from a bad marriage can help you. Edited March 14, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 13 hours ago, blushing_haze said: I'm married. He's single, but divorced. My marriage has taken on more of a caretaker role for me rather than a husband/wife partnership. His divorce is from a similar situation where she took advantage of him. So we have a bit of a connection. A bit of a connection means commiserating, complaining about the bad spouses and what victims you are? It's better to discuss all this with a therapist. You'll get objective useful advice on your situation. As far as your husband. Talk to an attorney. There's no reason to stay. He can get disability and nurses, doctors, therapists, home health aides and housekeepers to take care of him. You may have to pay alimony or figure out how to divide up the assets, but you'll need legal advice. So rather than commiserating with this guy, get appropriate legal advice and a therapist to help you navigate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, blushing_haze said: My husband has been battling mental health issues for quite some time. We have him on medication and in therapy. How exactly is discovering that his wife is having an affair going to affect his mental health? This is much akin to the MM or MW who stays in his marriage “for his children” and then engages in behavior that if discovered could destabilize the very thing they are hoping to preserve/protect. Here you are, staying “for your husband” because if you left it would destabilize him and he would not be able to cope - yet, contemplating a decision that if discovered would destabilize him in a way that you could not even begin to comprehend - I second the statement above, you would benefit far more from a counsellor than an affair partner. Edited March 14, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 PS. I say this as one who is currently in a relationship with a man who stayed in his marriage for years because his wife had significant mental health issues. They ultimately divorced, and she has found a way to survive. His mental health is much improved and he has found another relationship/happiness again - so it can be done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 I agree consider other options first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 Set fire to the dumpster and you'll just simply have a dumpster fire, good luck. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 20 hours ago, blushing_haze said: I don't dare give him an ultimatum because I seriously don't think he could survive without someone supporting him. How long have you been married? Your husband was somehow managing long before you met and married him. Why do you think he is not going to survive if you leave? Does he have any relatives who could help him, brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins? Did you know about his problems before you married him or this is something that happened later on? Just curious, is is an arranged marriage where you feel that you can't get out? Affair is not the answer. It might make you feel good and desirable for a while. But after that while is done, you are more than likely going to face a lot more heartache that you've bargained. Why not divorce your husband first and go from there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 22 hours ago, glows said: He’ll survive. Suicide threats are ways to control you and keep you there or feeling sorry or immobilized. He's had several suicide attempts in the past (prior to us meeting). He was upfront and honest about it when we began dating. I was quite young when we met (21) and I don't really think I grasped the severity of what the future would look like. We've been together for 14 years (married going on 12) and I'd say the first 9 years didn't really show many signs of his depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I thought that maybe I had "fixed" him by giving him love and support and a future to look forward to. But about 4-5 years ago things began to take a slight turn. More irritable, angry. paranoid. Just plain pissed off at the world. I'd like to say that he's never been violent toward me and I've never had the feeling that he'd physically harm me in any shape or form. I tried accepting that it was part of who he was. He had quite the tumultuous life growing up and I'm proud of him for not ending up like many people who had similar upbringings. Most people who have had a life like his are either addicted to drugs or alcohol, have criminal records or in prison, or are already dead. I have a lot of pity for him because of that and this is probably why I enable him. Abandonment is a huge issue for him, which is another reason why I stay with him. Because if I don't, who will? He's been on regular medication and seeing both a psychiatrist (once a month), and a counselor (twice a month) for the past two years since he started having suicidal thoughts again. The medications have definitely helped stabilize his moods... to a point, but he's become withdrawn from interacting with the public. Both the psychiatrist and counselor agree that he shouldn't be working, so we've been trying to get him on disability. It's been a slow, agonizing process that only adds to his anxiety. Plus, not being able to financially contribute to the household deepens his depression. I want to be there for him. I want to help him through this. I want him to be healthy and confident enough to be able to take care of himself without me always having to be there to hold his hand. I want him to be able to take charge of his own life, but instead he make comments about him ending it. He says that if he just "ends it" he wouldn't be a burden to me anymore and I could move on. He's made comments like "I don't understand why you're still with me." and even hinted a time or two that he'd understand if I stepped outside of our marriage to find comfort with another man. I'm beginning to see that there's a lot of codependence in our marriage as well as some psychological manipulation, but it's to the point that I'm afraid to risk leaving him in fear of what will happen to him and I don't know if I could live with that guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been married? You're not his mother, psychiatrist or nurse. You're burning yourself out. Slithering around with someone else won't fix you, your marriage or your husband. It won't cancel out your resentment or contempt. We've been married going on 12 years. And yeah, I am totally burning myself out. Yes, I'm beginning to see that an affair is the worst option. Oddly enough, I don't resent my husband. I know I chose him and I'm a firm believer in old saying "when we make our bed, we have to lie in it." Am I punishing myself for making the choice to be with him by being unhappy? I don't know. But I do want him to be happy. He deserves happiness just as the rest of us do. I just don't think it would be right to give up on him and leave at this time, but at the same time it feels like he's given up on trying to make me happy and is just waiting for me to leave. It's really quite sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 15 hours ago, BaileyB said: I second the statement above, you would benefit far more from a counsellor than an affair partner. Yes. I think it's time for me to find a counselor for myself. I sometimes go with him to his appointments with his counselor to talk about his situation and once I went by myself to the same counselor on my own 2 years ago because I was even thinking then about getting separated. But the counselor told me to 'hang in there' and stay by my husbands side. He made some kind of analogy like "the ship hasn't sunk yet" and to be honest it made me upset. The person who I went to for advice about an uncertain situation, told me to stay in the situation. But I did it. I stayed. Hoping we could work through it and get him back on his feet. But it hasn't happened. If anything, it's worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blushing_haze Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 8 hours ago, Alvi said: How long have you been married? Your husband was somehow managing long before you met and married him. Why do you think he is not going to survive if you leave? Does he have any relatives who could help him, brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins? Did you know about his problems before you married him or this is something that happened later on? Just curious, is is an arranged marriage where you feel that you can't get out? Married for 12 years and I gave some backstory that answers your questions in another response on this post. His family is pretty much nonexistent (hence is the crux of his mental health issues, among a few other things). He has friends that he could perhaps stay with, but then that wouldn't be fair to the friend to 'dump him on them'. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 8 hours ago, blushing_haze said: he's given up on trying to make me happy and is just waiting for me to leave. A suicidally depressed individual will never be happy or make you happy. They'll be stable and functional at best. He'll be fine. In fact he may get better care and more resources once you leave. Talk to an attorney about your options in the event of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 14 hours ago, blushing_haze said: He's had several suicide attempts in the past (prior to us meeting). He was upfront and honest about it when we began dating. I was quite young when we met (21) and I don't really think I grasped the severity of what the future would look like. We've been together for 14 years (married going on 12) and I'd say the first 9 years didn't really show many signs of his depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I thought that maybe I had "fixed" him by giving him love and support and a future to look forward to. But about 4-5 years ago things began to take a slight turn. More irritable, angry. paranoid. Just plain pissed off at the world. I'd like to say that he's never been violent toward me and I've never had the feeling that he'd physically harm me in any shape or form. I tried accepting that it was part of who he was. He had quite the tumultuous life growing up and I'm proud of him for not ending up like many people who had similar upbringings. Most people who have had a life like his are either addicted to drugs or alcohol, have criminal records or in prison, or are already dead. I have a lot of pity for him because of that and this is probably why I enable him. Abandonment is a huge issue for him, which is another reason why I stay with him. Because if I don't, who will? He's been on regular medication and seeing both a psychiatrist (once a month), and a counselor (twice a month) for the past two years since he started having suicidal thoughts again. The medications have definitely helped stabilize his moods... to a point, but he's become withdrawn from interacting with the public. Both the psychiatrist and counselor agree that he shouldn't be working, so we've been trying to get him on disability. It's been a slow, agonizing process that only adds to his anxiety. Plus, not being able to financially contribute to the household deepens his depression. I want to be there for him. I want to help him through this. I want him to be healthy and confident enough to be able to take care of himself without me always having to be there to hold his hand. I want him to be able to take charge of his own life, but instead he make comments about him ending it. He says that if he just "ends it" he wouldn't be a burden to me anymore and I could move on. He's made comments like "I don't understand why you're still with me." and even hinted a time or two that he'd understand if I stepped outside of our marriage to find comfort with another man. I'm beginning to see that there's a lot of codependence in our marriage as well as some psychological manipulation, but it's to the point that I'm afraid to risk leaving him in fear of what will happen to him and I don't know if I could live with that guilt. I'm sorry you feel trapped in this. I see a lot of myself in you and in my previous marriage especially dealing with ex-spouse's paranoia, depression and hallucinations. I don't have any wise words for you except to re-evaluate what you need in a marriage and what you need to feel stable and happy in your life. At some point, you may have to choose as your paths diverge or are no longer liveable together. Take care of yourself and do speak with a lawyer in private to get the info you need and prepare yourself if it leads to separation and divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 24, 2022 Share Posted March 24, 2022 Quote Anyone having an affair? no. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 24, 2022 Share Posted March 24, 2022 (edited) On 3/13/2022 at 5:37 PM, blushing_haze said: I'm 36. Husband is 48. My husband has been battling mental health issues for quite some time. We have him on medication and in therapy. He's not working so I'm the sole breadwinner. I want to support him as much as I can, but I'm starting to wonder if I am enabling him. He acts quite helpless without me and hasn't been fulfilling his word on keeping the home in order while I support us financially. I'm not saying he's not doing anything because he does. But it's usually when I'm off work and we're spending the day together. This has been the trend for the past 3 years and its getting worse with time even with the medication and therapy. I don't dare give him an ultimatum because I seriously don't think he could survive without someone supporting him. I do love him. I love him very much, but I know I'm not IN love with him. Simply put, I'm sacrificing my happiness for his. I see no future when I look at him. Just what might come tomorrow. That sounds like a lot to handle, but I can assure you that an affair is not the answer here. It's time for individual as well as couple's therapy to get him unstuck from this. If he refuses, then tell him these are his choices: either he goes with you and by himself to see the therapist or you'll be making an appointment with an attorney to start divorce proceedings. Free yourself, legally, then seek out a boyfriend. Quote He's made comments like "I don't understand why you're still with me." Understand that this is a form of manipulation. Quote and even hinted a time or two that he'd understand if I stepped outside of our marriage to find comfort with another man. I'd have called his bluff on that one. Edited March 24, 2022 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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