I think I want to break up with my girlfriend.

[Chilldude420]

Hello everyone. This forums has helped me before, so I wanted to come back to it for advise yet again. I actually made a post about this same person/situation about six months ago or more and nothing really got better, she actually even caught this page open on my phone, found my post and read how I felt. Anyway…

I am a 26 year old guy and my girlfriend is 22. We have been together for four years. We moved In together after 2 months. Over the last I’d say 3 years, so basically a year after we got together, I started noticing that things weren’t really how I wanted them. We weren’t deep cleaning the apartment we were only picking it up. We were exercising. We weren’t walking the dogs. So naturally, I started to try to get on top of these things. 
 

I could go into a lot of detail, but fast forward until I’d say the last six months of our relationships. We still haven’t improved anything major. We still don’t exercise. We still don’t walk the dogs. We don’t deep clean…we have ZERO routine. So my biggest thing is simply that she has no ambitions to take care of a house 

The next issue is I can’t always rely on her. Simple things like when she was off for 3 days from work, she was unable to get out of bed to take the cat in for an appointment. I had to wake up after only a couple hours of sleep and go take the cat in to the vet after I had worked a 14 hour shift driving. I can rely on her to help pay bills, but, I can also handle my own bills and don’t need the help. 
 

So I guess it is just ambition right? I have so much ambition. I want to conquer the whole world! She is very much content with conquering small things around her such as the couch and TV. 
 

I have talked to her about all of this stuff over and over and OVER again. She always admits she is always doing the wrong thing, she is going to attempt to do better, that she is doing everything she can as it is. In the last couple of months, she has also caught me on POF. I never met anyone but I was actively talking to girls trying to find someone else to get out of this relationship. I don’t know why I was doing it other than I’m not happy. 
 

I don’t know if I truly love her anymore and I don’t want to be in a relationship with her. 
 

How do I deal with the selfish feeling of leaving this person? How do I know if I’m making a mistake by leaving her?

She caught me on POF and forgave me. She helps pay bills. She wouldn’t ever cheat. She is honestly a great girl, and im not sure im ever going to understand why I want to leave, but everything in my heart is saying RUN. 
 

Please feel free to ask me anything. I know a lot of this is kind of rambling, but, I really don’t know who else to talk to. My mom and the rest of my family says simply if your not happy , leave. My mind isn’t satisfied with that for some reason. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Chilldude420]

Hey I’m really sorry if there is an edit button and I can’t find it. But I wanted to add this.

Another thing , probably the biggest thing, that really bothers me is how much she is on her cell phone, TV, and how much she just seems to not care. Like I stated I could try to have this conversation with her and talk to her about breaking up potentially and she just goes quiet. But it’s not just that. Major life decisions, what type of house do you want, how do you want to live, how should we do this or that, what are we doing to do with the yard in the spring time, basically ANYTHING that actually involves effort or life she totally backs out of…..

It’s honestly left me feeling very tired and stressed.

Edited March 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

When you entered this relationship were you rebounding from a previous one? It moved too quickly. You didn’t know one another before living or deciding on a life together. 

Introducing someone new into your life is only a fantasy(POF) and I think you know that. The ones you’re attracting don’t know the reality you live in or are so desperate they’re willing to date a man supporting another woman and in a relationship with someone else.

To be clear, are you expecting and wanting your partner to be a different person? 

Edited March 13, 2022 by glows

[Chilldude420]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

When you entered this relationship were you rebounding from a previous one? It moved too quickly. You didn’t know one another before living or deciding on a life together. 

Introducing someone new into your life is only a fantasy(POF) and I think you know that. The ones you’re attracting don’t know the reality you live in or are so desperate they’re willing to date a man supporting another woman and in a relationship with someone else.

To be clear, are you expecting and wanting your partner to be a different person? 

Now that you say something, in a way, I guess yes, I was rebounding. 
 

I had no girlfriend for a while honestly. It was five years ago now so I was 21. I went into a relationship with a woman who had 2 kids. She was a great woman but confused herself and broke it off after maybe 3 months. Afterwards I immediately wanted another relationship. It took maybe 1-2 months? To meet someone else and now I’m where I am now. Four years later. 
 

I dont expect her to change. I just want us both to be a little more focused on a healthy lifestyle. Which to me isn’t wanting someone to change it’s just wanting us both to be in better health, we’re both overweight and lots of health problems in our familles. 

I have to admit that I can be super clingy. It’s never seemed to bother her, if anything she is more okay with it than not. So this is another reason I’ve always been fond of her. 

I don’t know why I feel love for her, feel fond of her, but I want to just break up. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. 
 

[FMW]

Break up with her, no need to feel guilty.  You both will be happier when you eventually meet more compatible partners.

Don't wait until you find someone else, that's more difficult for someone to deal with than a simple, clean breakup.

Having affection or even love for her does not mean you should be together forever.

[Happy Lemming]

Sometimes relationships just run their course and they are over.  Some can last a couple months... some can last a couple of years and they just fizzle out (think of a candle burning down to the end of its wick and the flame goes out).

Not every relationship is meant to last.

It appears your relationship with this woman has reached its conclusion.  Time to figure out how to extricate yourself from the situation.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

Now that you say something, in a way, I guess yes, I was rebounding. 
 

I had no girlfriend for a while honestly. It was five years ago now so I was 21. I went into a relationship with a woman who had 2 kids. She was a great woman but confused herself and broke it off after maybe 3 months. Afterwards I immediately wanted another relationship. It took maybe 1-2 months? To meet someone else and now I’m where I am now. Four years later. 
 

I dont expect her to change. I just want us both to be a little more focused on a healthy lifestyle. Which to me isn’t wanting someone to change it’s just wanting us both to be in better health, we’re both overweight and lots of health problems in our familles. 

I have to admit that I can be super clingy. It’s never seemed to bother her, if anything she is more okay with it than not. So this is another reason I’ve always been fond of her. 

I don’t know why I feel love for her, feel fond of her, but I want to just break up. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. 
 

I responded in your other thread as well about the so-called “friend”. 

You mentioned ambitions earlier. What are they? Work on those. When we’re unhappy with ourselves we often self-sabotage and start looking for many reasons to fail.

Getting into hot and heavy relationships too fast too soon seems to be one way you’re coping with stress in your life. Please identify what these stressors are. Is it financial stress? Employment? Needing a better paycheque or wanting to leave town for better prospects? Health issues? Supporting dependents or family members relying on you? 

Don’t keep jumping into romances hoping they’ll be your fix all. You’re realizing just now that your happiness and what you need to achieve is something only you can address. Everything else is just cream and the cherry on top including romance. Try not to rely on others to fill that void. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

We still don’t exercise. We still don’t walk the dogs. We don’t deep clean…we have ZERO routine.

Why aren't you doing any of these things on your own? Why is it all on her? I don't see why you aren't taking the initiative to get healthier on your own, for example. 

9 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

she has also caught me on POF. I never met anyone but I was actively talking to girls trying to find someone else to get out of this relationship

Then your relationship is already over. It's time to free you both from this, and find people who are better-suited to each of you. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

 we’re both overweight 

You do want her to change. However you're not being ambitious, you're being passive aggressive by letting her "catch" you on forums complaining about her. Letting her "catch" you on dating sites looking for someone else to replace her.

Be kind to each other. There's no reason to abuse animals and live in filth. End it. Divide all your stuff and set each other free from all this misery.

Stop blaming her for your health problems. You can eat well and get fit, no one is stopping you.

[understand50]

OK,

You can not change people, your girlfriend, all you can do id change the environment.   Your girl friend looks to be a follower. Not a real bad thing, as she will tend to follow what you do.  On the other hand, she looks to be real lazy, and not into keep life, home and body together.  Bet, this is from her upbringing.  You can change the environment, but it take work on your part.  As for falling out of love, it happen to everyone all the time.  As I am 50 years married, I can count several times, I just was not feeling it with my wife, but I knew that "love" would come back if I stuck. So you decision is do you stay, and change the environment and  help you both live a better life and relationship, or do you find someone else.

Option one.  Dump and find someone new, well its is the easiest way to go, but you do not know what you will find in the next  relationship, and also you run the risk of never being able to settle  down, and get into the rut of going from one relationship to anther, until you are older and still cannot commit.  OF course, the next girl could be the perfect love of your life.  (BTW, there is no best person for you, just one you can live with)

Option two/  Work on your relationship with your girl friend.  Make plans for the future.   Talk marriage.  Set up a schedule for getting the house work done. We have apartment, house clean up day.  We take one day evening and clean up the house.  We also go out a exercise once a day together, and we also take a evening each month to do a talk about what ever in the marriage.  Setting time and tasks keep both us on task, as we are both lazy in the end.

 

I wish you luck...

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely need to break up with her, and soon, before you waste any more time.  It's not selfish to end a relationship that's completely dead and not working.  She sounds incredibly lazy and like she's given up.  She has very poor life skills and needs to grow up.  There is no reviving this relationship, it's dead.  Time to end it.

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

I dont expect her to change. I just want us both to be a little more focused on a healthy lifestyle. Which to me isn’t wanting someone to change it’s just wanting us both to be in better health, we’re both overweight and lots of health problems in our familles. 

 

It is wanting her to change.  That desire is either in her or it's not.  You can't force her to do it, if it's not what she values (more than lip service, but putting action to words) then it's not going to happen.  It sounds like basic incompatibility here.

You don't need her to get in shape.  Just do it yourself.  Maybe that will inspire her to do the same but it will still have to be her idea.

[Chilldude420]

I did want to add to this thread, that I myself do walk the dogs, I do clean the house, we don’t live in filth and she doesn’t totally not help me clean. It just takes me directing the cleaning and being the one to decide what to clean and when. 
 

The issue is I can’t actively rely on her to do anything on her own 90% of the time. 

[understand50]

14 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

I did want to add to this thread, that I myself do walk the dogs, I do clean the house, we don’t live in filth and she doesn’t totally not help me clean. It just takes me directing the cleaning and being the one to decide what to clean and when. 
 

The issue is I can’t actively rely on her to do anything on her own 90% of the time. 

So it is not as bad as you make out.  I think you really need to decide what you want, and also, look at this relationship, and decide if you want to work on it.  You also need to look at yourself, as you are 1/2 of all this.  Again, what can you do to change the dynamic in all this?  Do you want to?

I wish you luck..

 

[glows]

15 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

I did want to add to this thread, that I myself do walk the dogs, I do clean the house, we don’t live in filth and she doesn’t totally not help me clean. It just takes me directing the cleaning and being the one to decide what to clean and when. 
 

The issue is I can’t actively rely on her to do anything on her own 90% of the time. 

You’re both incompatible. Start with getting yourself your own place and be responsible for just yourself. Please stop forcing this relationship and going behind your partner’s back chatting with other women or planning to shack up or move in with another woman while in a relationship with your partner.

Address your goals and hopes for the future and start thinking long term. You don’t need a relationship to improve your life or a rebound one get on with leaving your present one that is no longer working. If you’ve always used women or relationships to get what you want in terms of happiness or stability now would be the time to try something different.

[Mrs KR]

I honestly don't think you are doing you or her any favours by being together. If she is a bit of an introvert then that is her nature and you shouldn't try to change that. If tou want a deep cleaned house then give yourself that, you don't need someone to give that to you, if you want a healthy and active lifestyle then absolutely go for it but what you shouldn't do is make someone feel inadequate because they may not value these things like you do. I think that I'd these are attributes in another person that are really important to you then you should stop this relationship and remember that when you look for your next one. Hope that helps a little

[Els]

You can leave a relationship for any reason, and if you are already looking for another person, it's WAY past overdue for you to leave. So please, do yourself and her a favour, and leave before you become a cheater.

Quote

We still haven’t improved anything major. We still don’t exercise. We still don’t walk the dogs. We don’t deep clean…we have ZERO routine.

That being said, I really don't get why exercise needs to be a "we" thing? Why do you need someone else to exercise with, if you need a partner to keep you motivated can't you do it with a friend? I can understand being angry that someone wasn't taking care of their pets or not doing their share of work around the house, but why are you blaming her for your inability to exercise?

Edited March 15, 2022 by Elswyth

[Chilldude420]

On 3/15/2022 at 3:31 PM, Elswyth said:

That being said, I really don't get why exercise needs to be a "we" thing? Why do you need someone else to exercise with, if you need a partner to keep you motivated can't you do it with a friend? I can understand being angry that someone wasn't taking care of their pets or not doing their share of work around the house, but why are you blaming her for your inability to exercise?

I do not blame her for my inability to do anything. I never lost my ability to do anything. I do walk when I can with the dogs, and I do go with friends. But we even bought a second dog to walk our dogs together and she never held up her end of that. And as far as cleaning, I keep the house clean by cleaning myself and conducting most of the cleaning that goes on. 
 

But I also think about the future. What about when we have kids? What about if we have an actual house? If she can’t take care of simple things now, and it’s been going on 4 years that she hasnt gotten the hang of it yet, I have no hope that we will ever move on to bigger and better things in time. 
 

How can I trust her to take our kids to the doctors if she can’t even take a kitten? 
 

How can I trust her to walk with our kids or play in the yard on her day off while I’m working, if I can’t even get her to talk the dog? 
 

How am I supposed to rely on her to help me clean, organize, and decorate a home, if I can’t even get her to clean or help me in the yard? 
 

Most of the times when she doesn’t want to do something she just gives an attitude and makes the situation just that much more aggravating for no reason. If you ask her if she wants to walk it’s always an excuse. It keeps happening and I’m tired of it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you're already over this relationship, OP. 

Do the kind thing and let her go. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

Most of the times when she doesn’t want to do something she just gives an attitude and makes the situation just that much more aggravating for no reason. If you ask her if she wants to walk it’s always an excuse. It keeps happening and I’m tired of it. 

There is a lot of damage in the relationship that you’ve contributed to as well.

Feeling numb and disinterested or unwilling or resentful to do tasks is not unusual in people who are hurt or where trust is completely broken. You lost trust in her and she lost trust in you. 

If this is a lease when does the lease agreement end? Or who owns the house?  You seem to have made up your mind about breaking up so when are you both able to separate? 

Edited March 17, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

I do not blame her for my  I also think about the future. What about when we have kids? 

How long were you dating before you moved in together?

Focus on kindly and diplomatically parting ways. Figure out the lease and decide how to sever ties.

You're incompatible. It's that simple.

You're already contemptuous and disrespectful toward her.

That's toxic to both of you.  Catastrophizing this far into the future is sheer anxiety. Start with the immediate future and figure out how to sever all ties.

You seem to need a  bossy housewife type, more like a mom,  who'll manage everything for you from the pets, to the kids, to the housework, to your food intake, to nagging you to exercise and lose weight.

You're not doing each other any favors by resenting each other.

Edited March 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Chilldude420]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating before you moved in together?

Focus on kindly and diplomatically parting ways. Figure out the lease and decide how to sever ties.

You're incompatible. It's that simple.

You're already contemptuous and disrespectful toward her.

That's toxic to both of you.  Catastrophizing this far into the future is sheer anxiety. Start with the immediate future and figure out how to sever all ties.

You seem to need a  bossy housewife type, more like a mom,  who'll manage everything for you from the pets, to the kids, to the housework, to your food intake, to nagging you to exercise and lose weight.

You're not doing each other any favors by resenting each other.

We were dating for only maybe 3 months before we moved in together. 
 

I totally understand what you mean by saying the bossy housewife thing. I also know that to some of you it may seem I myself am being lazy and wanting someone to tell me what to do. 
 

I thought about it a lot before replying, and I really don’t think that is the case. Regardless of what she does or tells me to do, I clean. I can go through this entire house when I wake up and clean it, toilets and all, in no time flat. It’s a small house. I have a want and a desire to keep a clean house. I also have a want and a desire to walk my dogs. 
 

This is where the issues begin. More times than not, my girlfriend will wake up, maybe feed the cat or something, make herself something to eat and plant herself in the chair until it’s time to leave. It’s only then if I get on her, ask her to do stuff, and then nag her about doing them that she will do it, and only sometimes. 
 

I just want someone to match my energy and keep up with things the same way that I do. It sucks to get down on your hands and knees and clean toilets and baseboards, and whatever else, knowing that you will be the one doing it next time too, and the next time. 
 

I’m not one for telling someone what to do over and over again. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Chilldude420 said:

We were dating for only maybe 3 months before we moved in together. . It sucks to get down on your hands and knees and clean toilets and baseboards, and whatever else, 

Way too much way too soon. Do either of you have an economic hardship? What led to living together after dating 12 weeks?

Focus on severing all ties. If you are stuck in a lease try to get out. Yeah it sucks to clean toilets and if you lived alone you'd be doing it anyway, no?

Did you install her as a housekeeper? Who cleaned your toilets before you dated?

[Els]

On 3/18/2022 at 2:00 PM, Chilldude420 said:

We were dating for only maybe 3 months before we moved in together.

Yikes.

I agree with the others - you're incompatible, break up. In the future, to save yourself some grief, perhaps get to know a person a bit better before moving in with them? While you do learn new things about people after moving in, your complaints about your partner sound like such baseline incompatibility that I think you'd probably have discovered it by just sleeping over on weekends for 6 months.

Also, just asking since you don't mention it anywhere in your opening post (but it seems to be consuming your thought processes a lot)... have you even asked her if she WANTS kids? If it's really that important to you to be with a woman who's well on track to being a mother, two things you can do are:

1) Ask them if they want kids, don't take it for granted, and

2) Date a woman your age or older. 22-year olds are 4 years out of their childhood, many of them are still in their party phase, they will naturally be prioritizing different things than you. There are plenty of early-20s dudes who don't care about kids or the state of their house and will be happy to date your gf, and there are plenty of late-20s or early-30s women who want the things you want. Set her free to find someone compatible, and you do likewise.

Edited March 20, 2022 by Elswyth

[Agentra]

Sounds like you'd benefit more from a maid. 

According to your other thread you are already chatting to other women. Have some dignity and let your current girlfriend go.