swisscheese22 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 I have been with my "'ex'? for 4 years and we've lived together (abroad) for the past 2.5yrs, I would describe our relationship as happy, straightforward, loving and supportive, I honestly felt we were a great team. About 6-months ago he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to have kids (totally out of the blue, we had talked through our desires for the future several times and he told me he wanted a family), this revelation happened because he started seeing a therapist who encouraged him to open up to me. I was devastated but we stayed together to see if he could work through things. Fast forward 6 months and he has experienced some sort of mental breakdown/crisis, the therapy has uprooted unresolved trauma from his childhood. We spent 3 weeks over Christmas apart during which time he got a new job, this seemed to help and he appeared to be feeling a bit better but when he came home in January things started getting a lot worse, he started to tell me things were wrong in our relationship and he was unhappy. The things that were wrong were really minor flaws and they were things he'd never mentioned to me before as cause for concern. He told me he needed space and time to get his head straight and moved into an Airbnb. I had a minor surgery during this time and he told me he couldn't come and support me. I visited him a couple of times and he would just lie in bed and found it very difficult to talk. This period was heartbreaking for me. He stayed at the Airbnb for 3 weeks and then came back home a few days before he was due to go travelling (he decided to take a month between the jobs to do this). We had a few heated conversations during this time and he was very hot and cold. He told me I was 'perfect' and he didn't want to make any big decisions but to stop holding on/that he would find somewhere to live when he was back from travelling if needed. The day he left for travelling he was loving but we've barely spoken since (I have been trying to employ no contact). He messaged me every couple of days in the beginning but his messages were cold and distant. I confronted him on this and he told me he was sorry for what had happened, that he cared, he wasn't sleeping well and was worried about me. I told him this wasn't helping and asked him to not message me. We have now had a few weeks of no contact and I was starting to feel much better so I messaged him last week to see how he was doing and he seemed much more himself and was even friendly. This got my hopes up and I hoped he would take our convo as a sign he could reach out but I haven't heard from him since. He is due to return home end this week and we've not discussed his plans at all. Regardless of what he wants to do he will have to come home because his stuff is here. I am really anxious about his physical return. I still love and care for him and want a future together but to say he has hurt me would be an understatement. Should I continue with the no contact and wait for him to eventually reach out? Or should I contact him to see what his plans are when he returns? I feel conflicted because I asked him not to message me. Apologies for the essay, it has been a rollercoaster 6 months! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Whose place is it? Pack up all his stuff. He needs to find a storage unit. Sadly you're incompatible. He wants freedom, being a vagabond, etc. and you want marriage and family. Make a clean break once his stuff is out. Delete and block him. That way you can heal and be free to date someone who wants what you want and who loves and respects you. It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swisscheese22 Posted March 14, 2022 Author Share Posted March 14, 2022 Thanks Wiseman2! Good advice. He is 33 (I am 32), far too old to be playing games. It's our joint rental, we are both expats abroad, when the time comes we will need to split all our furniture (and I have already asked to be transferred home). Should I reach out to tell him that he can come and collect his things when he's back? Or wait for him to make contact... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 1 hour ago, swisscheese22 said: It's our joint rental, we are both expats abroad, when the time comes we will need to split all our furniture and I have already asked to be transferred home Good plan. Dissolve the rental and its contents. Good you are transferring back home. Yes contact him to get his stuff and figure out how to divide up things and how to get out of the rental agreement. If he wants to run around "finding himself", that's fine but you shouldn't get stuck babysitting his stuff or the rental. Focus on the practicalities of severing all ties including finances the rental and the items that were jointly purchased. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 2 hours ago, swisscheese22 said: Should I reach out to tell him that he can come and collect his things when he's back? Or wait for him to make contact... I would not just sit around and wait, no. Not when you have logistics like this to sort out. Ask him when he is planning to collect his belongings and sort out the details of breaking the lease. It seems quite clear that he isn't planning to reconcile with you, unforutuantely, so I would proceed on those grounds. That way you're not left in limbo for a guy who isn't coming back but doesn't really have the stones to break it to you. I'm sorry. I know this must be very hard, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swisscheese22 Posted March 14, 2022 Author Share Posted March 14, 2022 Thank you @Wiseman2 @ExpatInItaly I just sent a message to ask about his plans to collect his belongings. His reply was a shocked emoji... nothing more, nothing less. It has been an incredibly sad time but I am so done with passively waiting for him to make a decision. I think you are indeed right that he is too much of a coward to spell it out, and probably wasn't expecting me to draw a line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 35 minutes ago, swisscheese22 said: Thank you @Wiseman2 @ExpatInItaly I just sent a message to ask about his plans to collect his belongings. His reply was a shocked emoji... nothing more, nothing less. It has been an incredibly sad time but I am so done with passively waiting for him to make a decision. I think you are indeed right that he is too much of a coward to spell it out, and probably wasn't expecting me to draw a line. It is good that you have asked him to collect his belongings. It's not fair to drag you over the coals while he takes time to decide what he wants (at your expense.) Maintain the NC (which is basically setting boundaries) and move forward with your plans to move back home. Hopefully, you have family and friends that can provide a support system for you as you navigate through this difficult time. Take some time for yourself to heal and understand that it's not worth it to fight for a relationship that does not meet your needs, short term or long term. I'm sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 5 hours ago, swisscheese22 said: He is 33 (I am 32), far too old to be playing games. It's our joint rental, we are both expats abroad, when the time comes we will need to split all our furniture (and I have already asked to be transferred home). Should I reach out to tell him that he can come and collect his things when he's back? Or wait for him to make contact... This is already over and you’ve faced that and made the necessary plans. What hurts is seeing him again and him taking his things when he returns to the apartment. You don’t have to be at the apartment while he clears his belongings either. Or ask a friend to be there with you so that you’re not alone there with him. It seems he’s been checking out of this for awhile and trying to avoid a confrontation. It is over so focus now on your move back home. I wouldn’t press for any answers from a conflict avoidant person. You’re likely to be squeezing water from a rock and exhausted in the process. Turn your energies to moving and leaving this relationship. Heal and reflect on your own time. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 14, 2022 Share Posted March 14, 2022 4 hours ago, swisscheese22 said: I just sent a message to ask about his plans to collect his belongings. His reply was a shocked emoji... nothing more, nothing less. This man is incredibly immature. You are going to be much better off without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swisscheese22 Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 Thanks everyone for your advice! Particularly useful because it was very consistent I have a great support network (albeit not in the country I am in right now) but will hopefully be home soon... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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