LOVE AFTER LOVE

[Ashes84]

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

[Bittersweetie]

Ashes, have you started therapy yet? Because it seems you are giving a lot of headspace to romanticizing a past relationship which could start to bleed into and affect your current life and relationship. Especially since, as I mentioned in your other thread, you did not face consequences of your affair in relation to your spouse.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but maybe instead of posting poetry you should look at why you are so focused on this past relationship and what is going on in your life that is causing you to look back and romanticize past actions of yours that hurt others (which is true even though your wife does not know). In my case, there is no way I could romanticize my actions with xMM after what I experienced with a d-day. I just can't see things anymore with the rose-colored glasses, plus it would just feel incredibly disrespectful to my husband and my marriage.

Good luck to you.

[Ashes84]

10 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

Ashes, have you started therapy yet? Because it seems you are giving a lot of headspace to romanticizing a past relationship which could start to bleed into and affect your current life and relationship. Especially since, as I mentioned in your other thread, you did not face consequences of your affair in relation to your spouse.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but maybe instead of posting poetry you should look at why you are so focused on this past relationship and what is going on in your life that is causing you to look back and romanticize past actions of yours that hurt others (which is true even though your wife does not know). In my case, there is no way I could romanticize my actions with xMM after what I experienced with a d-day. I just can't see things anymore with the rose-colored glasses, plus it would just feel incredibly disrespectful to my husband and my marriage.

Good luck to you.

No problem. You're not being mean. Yes I've booked some therapy and it starts in a couple of weeks. I've been doing a lot of reading in the meantime. Yes there is some romantisising going on and I'm struggling with that.

The poem however is about finding yourself after an affair. I hoped it would be useful to others who are still fearful of the ending. 

In an ideal world I wouldn't be thinking about this. I honestly barely have for many years. Why its suddenly washing over me now is something I'll explore in therapy.

[SS2855]

9 hours ago, Ashes84 said:

No problem. You're not being mean. Yes I've booked some therapy and it starts in a couple of weeks. I've been doing a lot of reading in the meantime. Yes there is some romantisising going on and I'm struggling with that.

The poem however is about finding yourself after an affair. I hoped it would be useful to others who are still fearful of the ending. 

In an ideal world I wouldn't be thinking about this. I honestly barely have for many years. Why its suddenly washing over me now is something I'll explore in therapy.

I feel for you. I’m about 5 months post affair after AP and I parted ways (no d-day) after 3 years. The romanticizing is what makes all of this so difficult. Since so much of an affair is fantasy it’s very easy to feel like you’ve lost your soulmate in the aftermath. The term fantasy isn’t deligitimizing what you had, but realizing it’s almost impossible to evaluate what you’re truly missing from someone you saw in a very limited bubble. I can tell you right now I feel like my ex- AP is the only man I will ever want and I “think” is my perfect match. I miss his smell, touch, laughter, smile, his whole being. But science tells me this feeling is amplified because of the nature and illicitness of the relationship- not so much him (now in my heart I feel otherwise but I trust the science in this). 
That said, regardless of science it’s a mind f*ck because it doesn’t change how we feel. Lost and hurting and just wanting to feel free of it. 

[Ashes84]

14 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I feel for you. I’m about 5 months post affair after AP and I parted ways (no d-day) after 3 years. The romanticizing is what makes all of this so difficult. Since so much of an affair is fantasy it’s very easy to feel like you’ve lost your soulmate in the aftermath. The term fantasy isn’t deligitimizing what you had, but realizing it’s almost impossible to evaluate what you’re truly missing from someone you saw in a very limited bubble. I can tell you right now I feel like my ex- AP is the only man I will ever want and I “think” is my perfect match. I miss his smell, touch, laughter, smile, his whole being. But science tells me this feeling is amplified because of the nature and illicitness of the relationship- not so much him (now in my heart I feel otherwise but I trust the science in this). 
That said, regardless of science it’s a mind f*ck because it doesn’t change how we feel. Lost and hurting and just wanting to feel free of it. 

I think in the end there is always a point where reality intrudes. The context of an A is very fragile. People say 'it's not real'. I think the love can be real but it's growing in a environment that can be suddenly unsustainable.

When that external shock occurs we need to adjust to it while still being in love. This can happen in non A relationships too. I came to realise that the real world and the A just couldn't exist together. There were events happening on both sides that simply couldn't be dealt with while A was ongoing. 

We discussed the issues and decided it had to end. Now I'll get flamed for this but what has kept me away is 'if you love her you must leave her alone'. I know further contact will hurt her real world so I won't do it. 

It may seem that you've been rejected, abandoned, dumped but it may be that he's realised that he's hurting you and himself and knows that total silence is the right and loving thing to maintain now.

It's very hard but it will work. It won't be pain free but over time peace will come. I've had a massive setback after years, bloody FB, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.

[Bittersweetie]

May I give you something to think about Ashes? You say: "Now I'll get flamed for this but what has kept me away is 'if you love her you must leave her alone'. I know further contact will hurt her real world so I won't do it."

OK,, now think about your wife. What if she knew the truth of your marriage? Her real world? That you had an affair years ago and are still thinking about the affair partner years later. That you are still thinking "if you love her you must leave her alone." How would that make her feel?

In the ten years since contact with your AP, are there things that your wife and you have done? Have you gone on vacations? Maybe bought a home? Worked on retirement plans? Can you understand that all of those choices, those experiences, would be tainted for your wife if she knew the truth of your marriage. Your wife's real world is not "real" if she does not have all of the important information when she makes choices, both big and small.

During my affair, my husband made a large career choice. After d-day, he told me point-blank that if he had known what I was doing, he would have made a different choice. I took the truth of his own life away from him and that is what you are doing to your wife. I'm not saying you have to confess but the effort you are expending by romanticizing and pining is detrimental to your marriage and is also, frankly, disrespectful. (And no, I do not think of my AP or of old boyfriends at all.)

I hope you can work through these thoughts and focus them in a more productive, healthy way. Good luck.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Ashes84 said:

This can happen in non A relationships too.

Indeed, all situations are ultimately transitory; though some will last longer than others and can continue for a human lifetime.

I suspect you're right that many affairs are more transitory due to their clandestine nature. It's also true that some of them endure for decades, longer than many "full" relationships. It's ultimately a matter of specific circumstances and the willingness of both partners to continue the relationship (of whichever kind).

External changes/practical matters have ended a great many "full" relationships (e.g. a job change to a different city among many other possible reasons), and I suspect affairs are even more vulnerable to this sort of thing. Pressures that may not impact a "main" relationship strongly can easily spell the end of an affair.

If you worked at a job and, unbeknownst to you, layoffs were coming, expectations (and possibly lifestyle) may indeed be shattered, but the money you were putting into your bank account at the time was still quite real.

Edited March 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[SS2855]

On 3/16/2022 at 4:01 AM, Ashes84 said:

I think in the end there is always a point where reality intrudes. The context of an A is very fragile. People say 'it's not real'. I think the love can be real but it's growing in a environment that can be suddenly unsustainable.

When that external shock occurs we need to adjust to it while still being in love. This can happen in non A relationships too. I came to realise that the real world and the A just couldn't exist together. There were events happening on both sides that simply couldn't be dealt with while A was ongoing. 

We discussed the issues and decided it had to end. Now I'll get flamed for this but what has kept me away is 'if you love her you must leave her alone'. I know further contact will hurt her real world so I won't do it. 

It may seem that you've been rejected, abandoned, dumped but it may be that he's realised that he's hurting you and himself and knows that total silence is the right and loving thing to maintain now.

It's very hard but it will work. It won't be pain free but over time peace will come. I've had a massive setback after years, bloody FB, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.

Keep going. Have you thought about blocking her from FB or deleting your account?  My ex-AP told me he’s purposefully making it a point to not reach out because he feels it’ll continue to hurt me knowing his feelings are there but he can’t /won’t take the actions. All that said every once in awhile he’ll reach out to tell me he still has this hole in his life without me… of course it sucks me right back in to thinking and daydreaming about the relationship we had. I know “no contact” is the cure for most of this-  but I for one can’t seem to do it. 

[Bubble_20]

5 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Keep going. Have you thought about blocking her from FB or deleting your account?  My ex-AP told me he’s purposefully making it a point to not reach out because he feels it’ll continue to hurt me knowing his feelings are there but he can’t /won’t take the actions. All that said every once in awhile he’ll reach out to tell me he still has this hole in his life without me… of course it sucks me right back in to thinking and daydreaming about the relationship we had. I know “no contact” is the cure for most of this-  but I for one can’t seem to do it. 

I was going to post about this myself today! I received a ‘reach out’ text today saying he misses me… he was the one who ended our relationship! It’s cruel and damaging. NC which involves proper BLOCKING is the only way to end the nonsense and fruitless looking over your shoulder into the past

Edited March 18, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Bittersweetie]

1 hour ago, Bubble_20 said:

I was going to post about this myself today! I received a ‘reach out’ text today saying he misses me… he was the one who ended our relationship! It’s cruel and damaging. NC which involves proper BLOCKING is the only way to end the nonsense and fruitless looking over your shoulder into the past

For some reason this made me think of me. During the "off times" of my A, I would ping xMM with a "hi" or "thinking about you." I told myself this was because I cared about him...but looking back it was more so I could try to get a response, get a "hit" to boost my ego. It was more about me than him. And I'm not saying this to minimize you Bubble...honestly it's terrible that many times one reaches out under the guise of "missing you" when it's probably more about an ego hit. The self-centeredness in married APs can be strong. 😞

[Bubble_20]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

For some reason this made me think of me. During the "off times" of my A, I would ping xMM with a "hi" or "thinking about you." I told myself this was because I cared about him...but looking back it was more so I could try to get a response, get a "hit" to boost my ego. It was more about me than him. And I'm not saying this to minimize you Bubble...honestly it's terrible that many times one reaches out under the guise of "missing you" when it's probably more about an ego hit. The self-centeredness in married APs can be strong. 😞

100% agree!. Also, we had a long friendship before the side relationship kicked off so I’m guessing he’s feeling bereft at times too. We were in contact all the time so I guess it’s a hard habit to break… and I suppose that’s MY ego in play here too I think, assuming he’s going through the same level of turmoil that I am. The mental gymnastics are too exhausting- how ever you look at it.

Edited March 18, 2022 by Bubble_20

[Ashes84]

Yes all I'm going to plough on.The Social Media post that got me riled up was her on her own smiling happliy like we were meeting up. That was a punch in the stomach it felt like I could reach into the screen and kiss her. Others of her with H have no effect at all on me. I'm going to have to block some of this to stop myself from looking. But it seems so juvenile tbh, so weak of me to need that.

I think in the whole time since the A she's liked one FB post of mine years ago and that threw me into a weeks crisis!

On who actually ends the A - I think it barely matters, everyone knows that it has to end sometime.

There's very little chance she'll contact me. If she did I'd answer I don't think I could ignore her.

  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ashes84 said:

There's very little chance she'll contact me. If she did I'd answer I don't think I could ignore her.

The only way you are going to gain perspective on this is to block her social media. 

I feel sorry for your wife. 

[SS2855]

8 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

I was going to post about this myself today! I received a ‘reach out’ text today saying he misses me… he was the one who ended our relationship! It’s cruel and damaging. NC which involves proper BLOCKING is the only way to end the nonsense and fruitless looking over your shoulder into the past

Agree. It does feel cruel because it’s just words, even if it’s true it’s only words. I work with my ex-AP and though we don’t see each other in person, we need to communicate about work on many days. He’s supposed to be leaving the company soon and I’m so anxious for it to happen because I need the space to get over the feelings. Now he reaches out under the guise of work which 95% of the time it’s valid- but just this weekend he texted me out of the blue asking if I wanted his tickets to a conference he could no longer attend to, then it was immediately followed with a “God I miss you”. Then I’m doing mental gymnastics analyzing if he was just using the excuse of the conference to reach out, or of it was truly legitimate and then a “oh by the way I do miss you still!” thrown in because what the hell. And then I’m annoyed that I’m even putting so much energy into dissecting it all. Like for what?  Ugh. 
ok apologies to thread- jack here! All done.

[SS2855]

4 hours ago, Ashes84 said:

Yes all I'm going to plough on.The Social Media post that got me riled up was her on her own smiling happliy like we were meeting up. That was a punch in the stomach it felt like I could reach into the screen and kiss her. Others of her with H have no effect at all on me. I'm going to have to block some of this to stop myself from looking. But it seems so juvenile tbh, so weak of me to need that.

I think in the whole time since the A she's liked one FB post of mine years ago and that threw me into a weeks crisis!

On who actually ends the A - I think it barely matters, everyone knows that it has to end sometime.

There's very little chance she'll contact me. If she did I'd answer I don't think I could ignore her.

  

I hope you can find a way to move on. Evaluate what you want or what you know you need to fix in your marriage. What helps to keep me center is knowing (though painful reality) is that if they were the one for me then they’d be with me. That’s all.