Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) Am I being unreasonable? I have been with my husband since I was 17 (which is nearly 19 years ago now 😬) we have 3 children, a house and both work full-time (he does do more hours than me at work as I am lucky enough to have a job that I can do both at work and at home and is mainly term time only so means that I can be there 100% for the kids too). So this year my husband started to feel trapped in his life, with the everyday, work eat, sleep repeat. He has been doing karate for around 2 years and was going around twice a week. Since January he has felt trapped and our marriage has gone through a very difficult time. He wanted to goto karate 4 times a week and the gym 3 times a week, started to go out almost every weekend with his friends and bought another motorbike to go out on in his free time. It felt like maybe what a midlife crisis might be like. I've always tried to support my husband where I can, I take the kids to school, pick them up, do the homework, housework, cooking and anything else because he has always been a bit in need to not feel constantly tied down, where as I like routine and am a bit of an introvert. I am now struggling to get on board with everything he wants to do, I am happy to support him with karate and rhe gym as he has a full contact fighting event coming up and I know this means a lot to him and is a life goal that I want to encourage him with but he is also wanting to go out more than usual, he wants to go on trips and vacations too (most without me because of my work and financial restrictions we don't share money but that's a whole different kettle of fish). I am trying to compromise and thought if I support him to go on a motorbike trip here in the UK with his brother for a few days then that might fulfil that need in a way that I'm comfortable with but he doesn't want to stop there, he wants a holiday abroad, where he can lounge around a pool and drink and chill. I get that but I am tired of being lonely and feel that this one is too much for me. Just another little back story, I find it more difficult to support the trip abroad than I used to, (he has been to Spain without me and the kids and toured Europe on a motorbike) but just over 3 years ago he had an affair and I just don't feel ready to support this yet. I'm worried I will never be able to offer that level of support again and I just feel lonely a lot of the time. Sorry for the huge post, just wanted to put some context to my question of am I being unreasonable, thanks to anyone that answers. Edited March 15, 2022 by Mrs KR Typo Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) It sounds like you don't have enough interests of your own to help you be a more well rounded person. Why don't you have a hobby and leave the some of the responsibilities of the children to your husband while you go out and do things? To much work and no play makes Jane a dull girl. Edited March 15, 2022 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) Hi @stillafool thank you, I do have interests, I paint in my painting garage, I box and dance on my VR head set to stay fit and because I love VR but my husband isn't at home much so trying to get more hobbies in would be tricky. Also I don't want hobbies that take too much time from my kids as I am not unhappy with my life patterns and I wouldn't say that I am a dull girl. Edited March 15, 2022 by Mrs KR Typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 24 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: 3 years ago he had an affair and I just don't feel ready to support this yet. I'm worried I will never be able to offer that level of support again and I just feel lonely a lot of the time. Sorry this is happening. Are you afraid he is cheating again? He is acting single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 No. You are not being unreasonable. He is being disrespectful to you and your marriage. While I do believe in couples having some autonomy, it's not fair that you take the lion's share of the responsibilities of the home and children while he gallivants around on vacation and on the weekends with his friends. Did you seek marriage counseling after he cheated? Do you think marriage counseling would work now? Marriage should be an equal partnership. He's getting all the benefits while you're stuck with all the responsibilites. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @Wiseman2 @S2Bno I don't think he is cheating on me but I do feel like he wants to live like a single man (not with other women) and have his wife and family when they fit in, more like we're the hobby. We don't share money but both pay 50% of the bills and 50% of the mortgage, he earns more than me and I earn enough for life now but not to support myself and children Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @Nitrogenrich it was rather devastating to be honest, I have tried talking to him about how much he is doing and he has basically said that he will be doing what he wants and I should support him to not feel so trapped. Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Mrs KR said: ... he wants to go on trips and vacations too (most without me because of my work and financial restrictions we don't share money but that's a whole different kettle of fish). I am trying to compromise and thought if I support him to go on a motorbike trip here in the UK with his brother for a few days, then that might fulfil that need in a way that I'm comfortable with but he doesn't want to stop there, he wants a holiday abroad, where he can lounge around a pool and drink and chill. I get that but I am tired of being lonely and feel that this one is too much for me. So he has money to take vacations, but your finances do not allow you to go on vacations? So he doesn't pay for your portion of vacation costs? First obvious question is is all you money spent of house stuff like paying the mortgage, utilities, groceries and all his money on vacations, motorcycles, toys?  Really doesn't sound like a marriage to me, more like room mates that happen to have kids together. I could see allowing a motor bike trip to the UK with his brother. sounds like one of those dream holidays guys like to do, but to then go to a topical resort alone? Seems like a perfect opportunity to do some serious cheating on you.    2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @vla1120I went to counselling for me but he wouldn't and won't go to counselling. It feels like me and the kids are an optional part time add on to his life sometimes, I don't wantbto be dramatic but I am feeling low a lot recently and not sure what to do when he does book risk vacation and tells me that he is going. I know it won't be a discussion and will just be what he will do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @AngryGromit yeah my money all goes on life stuff like bills, he pays mortgage so its a 50/50 split on joint outgoings but as he earns a lot more than me (I love my job as it let's me have the school holidays with the kids but this comes at a cost) so I don't have much expendable money unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Mrs KR said: Hi @stillafool thank you, I do have interests, I paint in my painting garage, I box and dance on my VR head set to stay fit and because I love VR but my husband isn't at home much so trying to get more hobbies in would be tricky. Also I don't want hobbies that take too much time from my kids as I am not unhappy with my life patterns and I wouldn't say that I am a dull girl. I'm not suggesting you have activities that take a lot of time away from your kids the way your husband does. But why should he be allowed to act like a single man who is never home to spend time with and take care of his kids on his own? That isn't fair to you. Even if he takes care of the kids while you go to lunch with a friend would be nice. He needs more responsbility. If he's allowed to go and come like a single man he will cheat again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 24 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: @Nitrogenrich it was rather devastating to be honest, I have tried talking to him about how much he is doing and he has basically said that he will be doing what he wants and I should support him to not feel so trapped. What? He's got some nerve. Trapped? Does he not realize he's a married man with a children?  2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 21 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: @AngryGromit yeah my money all goes on life stuff like bills, he pays mortgage so its a 50/50 split on joint outgoings but as he earns a lot more than me (I love my job as it let's me have the school holidays with the kids but this comes at a cost) so I don't have much expendable money unfortunately. Mrs KR why do you need this man in your life? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: @AngryGromit yeah my money all goes on life stuff like bills, he pays mortgage so its a 50/50 split on joint outgoings but as he earns a lot more than me (I love my job as it let's me have the school holidays with the kids but this comes at a cost) so I don't have much expendable money unfortunately. Sounds like a classic peter pan situation. All Wendy's money is for utilities, groceries, getting the kids cloths, you know all the boring adulting stuff and Peter Pan's money goes towards fun stuff like motorcycles, entertainment, vacations, he at least pays half the mortgage, but this doesn't sound like a marriage, more like roommates splitting costs. I think your giving up too much for his happiness, you sound like a door mat, the more your willing go along with his behavior the worse it's going to get I think. Edited March 15, 2022 by AngryGromit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Mrs KR said:  I don't think he is cheating on me but I do feel like he wants to live like a single man.We don't share money but both pay 50% of the bills and 50% of the mortgage, he earns more than me and I earn enough for life now but not to support myself and children That's ok. Talk to an attorney about your options in the event of divorce and your financial situation. Keep in mind he will have to pay child support rather than spend money on extravagant hobbies, luxury vacations and other women. Are you legally married? What do you mean "we don't share money"? Pay much less than 50 %. Stop enabling him squandering your children's future. Stop financing his hobbies. He is financially responsible for the children until they are 18. That includes food, clothing, housing, medical care and education. Talk To An Attorney. Get accurate advice about the financial situation. Edited March 15, 2022 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Mrs KR why do you need this man in your life? I'll have to agree, you might be better off in the long run divorcing him and finding someone who wants to be a full part of your life, not when it convenience for him. If he want to have the freedom of being single, then give him his freedom by divorcing his ass. I'd go for full child support in the divorce, it's about time he started paying his share for raising the kids.   4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 Like you, I've been with my wife since I was 17. I think that people who don't have a relationship that started as children understand the complex dynamics. Codependency, fear of change and so many more. Every thing in your life positive and negative is shared with this one person.  Also like you, it was about the same time frame in which infidelities touched our lives.  It all changed when our son was born. I felt I was slowly pushed out of thier lives. I went looking for something and found it in a career that took and kept me far from home weeks and sometimes months at a time. I was feeling trapped and my solution then left my wife feeling trapped. Our lives became separate me working all over the world and her with our son and later with her affair partner.  My point in sharing this is I understand, I get how you both feel and how you most likely got there. The solution is as complicated as the events that have lead you here, and it requires you both empathize with one another. This is difficult because you simply can't make your husband see you life from your perspective and I believe you will also have a difficult time seeing his. You will both try to invalidate one anothers feeling because it will make you feel less guilty about your role in how the other feels. Your husband didn't get here alone, you have just as much responsibility as him for the state of your marriage (with the exception of his affair, of course...all on him). It will also take you both to right the ship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @stillafool about 4 months ago I would have said I don't need him, I want him because I love him but I can't say that anymore. I keep thinking what else can I do to save this marriage, that it was supposed to be a forever kind of deal and I always want to do what is right for the kids but I think it is becoming clear that staying together and trying to find my little bit of happiness in our marriage isn't the solution any more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @Wiseman2yes we are married, we have been for 15 years, I do find myself looking at our life, our marriage and wondering how it got this way. Like @DKT3Â says we both have a part we have played in the state of our marriage (minus the affair) and again @DKT3you're right that it would take us both being able to empathise and listen to the other to fix what we have left but unfortunately I don't see that happening. My husband is definitely in the head space of 'it is what it is' and not at a what can we do about this space. It breaks my heart because he has been my world but I go to sleep sad and wake up sad, I love the time with my children but it's like being at the park on a sunny day with a rain cloud creeping up on you all the Time. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 6 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: @Wiseman2yes we are married, we have been for 15 years, I do find myself looking at our life, our marriage and wondering how it got this way. Like @DKT3 says we both have a part we have played in the state of our marriage (minus the affair) and again @DKT3you're right that it would take us both being able to empathise and listen to the other to fix what we have left but unfortunately I don't see that happening. My husband is definitely in the head space of 'it is what it is' and not at a what can we do about this space. It breaks my heart because he has been my world but I go to sleep sad and wake up sad, I love the time with my children but it's like being at the park on a sunny day with a rain cloud creeping up on you all the Time.  17 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: @stillafool about 4 months ago I would have said I don't need him, I want him because I love him but I can't say that anymore. I keep thinking what else can I do to save this marriage, that it was supposed to be a forever kind of deal and I always want to do what is right for the kids but I think it is becoming clear that staying together and trying to find my little bit of happiness in our marriage isn't the solution any more. It takes two to save a marriage, not one. So far it looks like you're the only one trying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 I guessing you two are not communicating the right way. For years my wife tried to communicate how she was feeling (poorly) usually from a point of frustration and anger, while I didn't feel i even had the right to feel the way I did so I didn't even feel I had the right to complain. Once I found out about her affair I got how serious it was, unfortunately she didn't until she was served with divorce papers. At that point we had our first real honest, open conversation. Had we had that conversation before maybe we wouldn't have been headed in the direction we were heading. Again, you can't make your husband get it, but you can communicate the seriousness of your situation and where its leading you.  I suspect he is as unhappy as you, and is looking for something. All you can do is calmly and honestly communicate your feelings and give him the opportunity to correct his behavior.   2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 I agree there's no easy answer here. Right now he has the best of both worlds, a marriage and "independence". Whether he'd actually be willing to give up the marriage is an open question and (IMO) could go either way. Intimacy/sex tends to be important for men (not always, but often). Has that fallen by the wayside? Not something you need to answer, but consider if that may be a factor. Is it possible you "reconciled" after his cheating but never really grew the marriage back together, simply stayed together? Is it possible he "takes you for granted" because of your long history together? It sounds like he claims to be unhappy (as you do) but isn't interested in "fixes" that actually support re-bonding/re-investing in the marriage. You could consider asking/insisting on couples counseling, with an eye to making you BOTH happier in your marriage. You could consider doing some research on "attachment styles" in couples. This IMO should NOT be with an eye to attempt do-it-yourself "fixing" of the marriage, but to help contextualize what you hear from a therapist/counselor and/or both of your actions and "styles" in interrelating and maintaining this marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 50 minutes ago, Mrs KR said: I love the time with my children but it's like being at the park on a sunny day with a rain cloud creeping up on you all the Time. If your children are your happiness and he is just this dark cloud hanging overhead, it's time to consult an attorney to set yourself free. You'll have your kids, half the marital assets plus child support for the children. Get legal advice specific to your situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2022 Share Posted March 15, 2022 It doesn't sound like your husband spends a lot of time with his kids. Is this the case? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs KR Posted March 15, 2022 Author Share Posted March 15, 2022 @mark clemson that's been the one constant is our sex life, we have always been very connected that way and both have a very healthy appetite in that department, I'd anything it sometimes makes everything else more confusing Link to post Share on other sites
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