Living in a lonely marriage - Am I being unreasonable?

[Mrs KR]

@mark clemson that's been the one constant is our sex life, we have always been very connected that way and both have a very healthy appetite in that department, I'd anything it sometimes makes everything else more confusing 

[Mrs KR]

@stillafoolit has been the case since about January but prior to that he would spend plenty of time with them and still Done his hobbies but that has changed.

Edited March 15, 2022 by Mrs KR

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Mrs KR said:

@Nitrogenrich I have tried talking to him about how much he is doing and he has basically said that he will be doing what he wants and I should support him to not feel so trapped.

It is understandable to feel abandoned and alone, and frankly, it is cruel.

But he also seems to feel trapped, bored, and emotionally checked out.

At the risk of being very challenging, I cannot see what this relationship offers you.

Offering support isn't the same as being taken advantage of. What's the point? It's easier to accept than accept that he probably won't change as long as things stand.

Although your husband is solely responsible for the actions he takes, I couldn't help but think that maybe having your own life outside the home would have been beneficial to you.

If your relationship is to become mutually respectful, fair, and collegiate, something fundamental must change. Be clear that you will no longer accept the behavior you have been tolerating. Rather than struggling, stop struggling and be clear about the consequences if he continues. Life is short, so put your child's wellbeing, your own mental health, and your own sense of well-being first. Because both aren't being supported as it stands.

[mark clemson]

5 minutes ago, Mrs KR said:

we have always been very connected that way ... I'd anything it sometimes makes everything else more confusing 

Well, at least that would be one thing you presumably won't have to worry overmuch about discussing if you see a counselor...

[Mrs KR]

@mark clemsonTrue but I know that won't be an option anyway

[S2B]

Since you feel alone in the marriage it’s time to tell him that’s what is real… and you don’t expect to feel alone in your marriage. 

it’s past time to check every detail of his phone bill. He’s motivated by someone/ something that’s keeping him away from home all the time.

[Mrs KR]

@Alpacayou speak a lot of good sense, thank you. Having a little bit of my own thing without being mum or wife would probably be beneficial. 

[Els]

So let me get this straight...

You do almost all of the childrearing and housework, sacrificing your career to do so... but he doesn't want to share finances.

He has cheated on you before... yet expects you to trust him blindly now.

He is a father of 3 (presumably of his own choosing)... yet expects to live the life of a bachelor.

This is the epitome of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it... and you have allowed it all this time, so for every inch you are giving, he is taking a mile. What are you getting out of this person, besides a sperm donor? He isn't a trustworthy partner to you. He isn't a good father. He isn't a provider (not that that should automatically be expected, but it SHOULD be the least someone can do if they're not doing anything else). He isn't even a roommate... because roommates are expected to do their share of chores.

Stop letting yourself get taken advantage of. Regardless of whether you stay or leave (and if he's not even open to MC or trying to fix things, I'd recommend leaving), you need to learn to set boundaries. Stop being his housemaid and his nanny. If he wants to live in this house, especially considering you have split finances, he needs to step up and do his share of the housework and parenting. If he doesn't like it, too bad - he can get a divorce, lose custody, cook his own damn dinner, and pay child support.

[S2B]

Since he wants very much to act single - tell him you will take steps to make him a single guy. Seriously! He’s not worried about what you need in the marriage and his attitude sucks - him saying “I’ll do what I want” screams that he really doesn’t care about you anymore.

how often do you have sex?

[Mrs KR]

@S2B that is how it feels now that he has checked out of the marriage and doesn't care. We have sex a lot but to be honest and probably TMI but I love sex, always had a strong sex drive and it's been our one consistent through good and bad times.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Mrs KR said:

@S2B that is how it feels now that he has checked out of the marriage and doesn't care. We have sex a lot but to be honest and probably TMI but I love sex, always had a strong sex drive and it's been our one consistent through good and bad times.

That's your downfall.

There are plenty of men to have sex with once you're no longer married.

[Lotsgoingon]

You are fully reasonable and totally sane to have your concerns. If anything, you are under-concered.

Your relationship is at an inflection point. The disconnect in marriages often sneaks up on people. Starts as a doubt, a worry, and then so many times, people look away because they're afraid to look straight down the road at the facts of their unhappiness for fear of what they'll see at the end of the road. So people close their eyes, look to the side, look straight down and go into pretend mode.  We've been together all this time. So I'll just pretend this is all normal and a phase.

His affair--absolutely SHOULD alarm you when he travels again outside the county. In fact, it's his job to reassure you about that, not really your job to feel all that fear and insecurity and then doubt it and question it.  You should have as much money for your hobbies as he does for his. And no, it's not your job to encourage and support all his interests. Not when you guys have children. The best thing you can do is get to therapy and really learn how to assert yourself better and to get clear on your feelings.

Do not stick your head in the sand. What often happens is the spouse is your position just gives and gives and supports the other in their interests ... and then ... you get dumped anyway. Agonizing and brutal pain when that happens. 

Quietly let yourself take in what we're telling you. You might not be ready for that thinking yet, but make no mistake: you sound super understanding and still you're feeling disconnected from this guy, and he's acting like he's single without children. Consult a therapist and a divorce lawyer. Divorce lawyers often give free consultations. Confidential. You want to start thinking about protecting yourself and your children long term. Because this guy is acting like he might abandon the kids and you in any separation. 

 

[dramafreezone]

I see many have asked about counseling but you haven't answered from what I can see.  I certainly think counseling is worth it before considering divorce. 

JMO but everything changes once children are involved and whether to stay or to leave isn't all about "am I happy."  I know others will disagree with that though, but the kids take priority IMO.

[Els]

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

I see many have asked about counseling but you haven't answered from what I can see.  I certainly think counseling is worth it before considering divorce. 

She said her husband has vetoed marriage counseling.

Quote

JMO but everything changes once children are involved and whether to stay or to leave isn't all about "am I happy."  I know others will disagree with that though, but the kids take priority IMO.

Yes, they take priority. And at the moment, they have a father who is completely neglecting them and pretending that they don't exist - which is frankly far worse than the alternative.

Also, this thread is a complete double standard if I've ever seen one (and being on LS for so long, trust me, I've seen quite a few of those ). If the OP was a man posting about his wife who cheated on him, completely ignored her own children, insisted on going on solo trips to exotic locales all the time, and did zero housework despite paying only half of the bills... not one single person would be saying "oh, why don't you consider it from HER perspective?" or "you should consider staying for the kids!111". As they shouldn't be. For some reason, for a few of you, the OP's partner having a penis somehow gives him the right to act like this with no consequences.

Edited March 16, 2022 by Elswyth

[Alpacalia]

There's no doubt he's a coward.

If she had said "I feel trapped?" as soon as he said it, considering his past misdeeds, the correct response would have been, "You feel trapped? Watch how I'm about to set you free." 

[Mrs KR]

@dramafreezone yes unfortunately he will not do any type of counselling. I have had counselling myself as when his affair first came to light it was the worst kind of pain and loss of self that I have ever felt so I sort counselling for me and I'm glad I did. 

I think when you think of what is best for the children there are many possible answers to that and I really do think that no matter what any decision any parent makes as long as the execution of that decision is done with the best possible stability and consistency that can be given then that is all anyone can really ask for. I don't just mean if parents decide to get divorced I mean every decision, staying together, moving, handling bereavement and every little decision in between too.

[Mrs KR]

@Lotsgoingon that is some really good and supportive advice thank you.

[Mrs KR]

@Elswyth exactly children are the priority and they have been for 18 years now but like you say what they are getting right now is not priority treatment and what they are seeing is not how I would like them to grow up and mirror through their own relationships. 

It's strange that when you reverse the sexs of this situation people see it as worse.

[Mrs KR]

@alpaca it's strange because when these conversations happen like him saying he feels trapped I just want to help him feel better and be happy but then when I come away from him qnd think it makes me mad at him and then at me for yet again being passive, I am trying to work on this, it is definitely  a flaw that doesn't help me at all.

[Lotsgoingon]

Totally this is the work of therapy. Find a really good one, someone who gets you and is super-smart and helpful. You should look forward to seeing the therapist. You want to work on your feelings and behaviors whether you stay or not stay. Doesn't have to be the previous person. A therapist for one context isn't necessarily the best for a different context. If the affair therapist was fantastic, fine. If not, keep going, til you find someone utterly fantastic. 

This is for your own good, for the good of him (though he doesn't know it) and for the good of your children. Don't stay away from therapy out of the fear that the therapist will encourage you to leave or will shame you for staying or for being who you are. 

That's not the job of a therapist, and certainly the good ones don't do that. They help you strengthen yourself so that you can figure out the right path. 

I know people who have avoided therapy out of the fear that the therapist might ... might ... encourage them to leave their relationship. Some of these people feel guilty about staying in difficult marriages (though I think that's their business and their right). We all have a complicated mix of feelings, but day to day  we try to simplify things and at a certain point, we lose the thread of our own lives, we can ignore important feelings. 

 Negative feelings aren't necessarily evidence you should leave. But these negative feelings do need to be explored. They're telling us something. 

 

[Mrs KR]

@Lotsgoingon thank you, I have actually started counselling a couple of weeks ago and so far I am finding it very helpful, I do look forward to it and have been set some really useful self awareness tasks to take away and explore.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Mrs KR said:

@alpaca it's strange because when these conversations happen like him saying he feels trapped I just want to help him feel better and be happy but then when I come away from him qnd think it makes me mad at him and then at me for yet again being passive, I am trying to work on this, it is definitely  a flaw that doesn't help me at all.

I agree that therapy can help you (in my humble opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt), with the goal of giving you the tools you need to empower and strengthen you.

Right now, you are already doing all the work.

There's been cheating, he's never home, and you have children and household duties. 

Not much time for you.

A person who feels trapped and does nothing to change their circumstances is almost always experiencing underlying (and sometimes subconscious) fear. 

A man who gets 'unstuck' knows that he's hit a wall and he must change. In his case, it was a losing game he played. Time to stop lying to himself. Although you can't control his actions, you can choose to stop fellowshipping with those who mistreat you until they agree to seek help.

[S2B]

Are you planning to change your situation or just live with it?

[Mrs KR]

@S2B change is definitely happening, I've started the process of getting legal advice and looking at what options I have with living situations. These things will no doubt take time as our lives are so entangled and making things as consistent and mature as possible for the kids is key for me.

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, Mrs KR said:

@S2B change is definitely happening, I've started the process of getting legal advice and looking at what options I have with living situations. These things will no doubt take time as our lives are so entangled and making things as consistent and mature as possible for the kids is key for me.

Excellent Mrs. KR! 

Sounds like you're on the right track. 👍