Vivalavi Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 (edited) Long story short. He was my first BF, first everything. I was 17 back then. We have been together 23 years now. Our marriage went from emotional to physical abuse. Physical abuse stopped except few grabs here and there after MC. Emotional not so much but it got better. I know there were times I provoked him to treat me the way he did. However, when things were at worst something in me broke. I don't know if it was resentment or starvation for connection that I didn't feel for my H, but I part of the feelings I had for him never returned no matter how better he got. When i would bring our divorce, he would laugh and say no one would ever want me. And I never left. I went through major depression, counselings and band-aided my situation with past EA and current PA. All wrong choices on my part. But this is not what I want to get your advice on. What I don't understand is how I feel around my husband. He has been trying his best for months now. He sends sweet but very not like him messages daily. He makes me snacks before work. He takes me eat out or makes my favorite meals. He seems so thoughtful. And yet - it does nothing to me. I feel thankful but that's all. I don't feel more love, more closeness. It's the opposite. When he touches me, I scream on the inside especially when it's sexual. I feel nothing, no excitement just wanting him to stop. When we have sex and he is done, I often cry. It's like automatic response instead of feeling happy post-climax. Just tears. I can't look at him and we don't kiss. We didn't kiss for years now. When he kisses me as goodbye sometimes or I kiss him because he wants me to, I feel like small kid wanting to wipe off my face. Gosh, I feel bad for writing this. I should not feel this way about my husband and I sound like a spoiled brat. But I feel this way and I'm not sure how to stop it. I don't know how to be attracted to my H again. I know I wasn't attracted to him when we actually met, but then it got better. Do you ever feel this way for your spouses? Does it changes? Edited March 16, 2022 by Vivalavi Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 Make an appointment with your physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your sexual issues and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Discontinue having sex until you see a doctor and sort yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 Unfortunately it's probably not going to change. After a certain point after years of abuse or neglect, feelings are sometimes just gone. At least the feelings that allow you to stay happily married. Attraction is even harder to rekindle, especially if it wasn't strong to begin with. If nothing changes, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If not, your options are (1) putting all your effort into rekindling your marriage, meaning possibly more counseling and most definitely no extramarital involvements, or (2) end your marriage. To me, it seems like the latter is likely the best move. Your reaction to his physical touch is something you likely won't get past. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 It sounds like this is the end result of an abusive relationship, unfortunately. Speaking for myself I doubt I could stay in a marriage where sex with my partner was an awful experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 1 hour ago, Vivalavi said: When he touches me, I scream on the inside especially when it's sexual. I feel nothing, no excitement just wanting him to stop. I'm sure a lot of this is because you are in love with another man which your husband doesn't know about. Maybe if you were to be honest with him he would agree to divorce and you both could move on from each other and be happy. It isn't going to get better and your husband's efforts are in vain because you want someone else and he doesn't know this. Why don't you be honest with him? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 16, 2022 Share Posted March 16, 2022 I think it's fairly normal and understandable to not be able to recover from abuse - at least, not with the same person. If there was ever an episode of abuse with a partner, I don't think I would be able to carry on with them no matter how much effort they made. Especially physical abuse, which can be incredibly terrifying and traumatizing to women for obvious reasons. That being said, cheating doesn't solve anything. I hope you understand that the right thing to do is to leave so that you can be in an honest relationship with someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 10 hours ago, Vivalavi said: What I don't understand is how I feel around my husband. Your husband is an abuser. And you wonder why you recoil from his touch? I could not live with a man who is mean and physically abusive to both me and my child. Is the fact that you don’t want to be close to your husband not a consequence of his behavior? Is that not a very reasonable response of someone who has been hurt by a man? Viva, I would worry about you if you DID want to be close to your abuser. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2022 Share Posted March 17, 2022 Viva, it's beyond past time to file for divorce. Your marriage is over for all intents and purposes, and you checked out ages ago. It is very unlikely to ever get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 21, 2022 Author Share Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) On 3/17/2022 at 2:33 AM, ExpatInItaly said: Viva, it's beyond past time to file for divorce. Your marriage is over for all intents and purposes, and you checked out ages ago. It is very unlikely to ever get better. It sure might be. I know I do wrong things and also get angry and unpleasant, but I'm so very tired of how he is with me. I am trying to stay away from my phone, but the moment I look at it he makes remark about me being addicted to it. He purposely walks by me to look at my screen even when I'm in a bathroom all the time. Last night at midnight, after a little fight a few hours before, he looked at me and asked if I'm going to be this a**hole forever? I told him that this is not a way to start conversation. I told him that I won't discuss anything after that and no when I'm half way asleep. I told him please leave me be now. He kept pushing and it just made everything worse. I told him if he thinks that's what I'm then I will act like one. Edited March 21, 2022 by Vivalavi Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 3 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: he looked at me and asked if I'm going to be this a**hole forever? I told him that this is not a way to start conversation Get separate bedrooms. Lock the bathroom door. Don't use your phone around him. Stop the combat and barbs. Get up and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 16 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: t sure might be. I know I do wrong things and also get angry and unpleasant, but I'm so very tired of how he is with me. I am trying to stay away from my phone, but the moment I look at it he makes remark about me being addicted to it. He purposely walks by me to look at my screen even when I'm in a bathroom all the time. He's doing this because his intuition is telling him something is up with you. It's only a matter of time before you have a d-day with him. You should probably leave. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 22, 2022 Share Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) 23 hours ago, Vivalavi said: I told him if he thinks that's what I'm then I will act like one. You already are - You are cheating on him, you are preoccupied with your phone (the reason why he is trying to look at your phone is because he knows something is going on), you refuse intimacy with him, when he tries to talk with you (rudely, at that), you gaslight, blame shift, and refuse to talk with him (I told him that this is not a way to start conversation). He has been abusive to you and your daughter, and there is no excuse for that. But, what you are doing to him is also hurtful and abusive. The moral high ground you stand on when you reprimand him and tell him that this is no way to start a conversation is unstable, at best. Edited March 22, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 22, 2022 Share Posted March 22, 2022 Why do you stay with him? Isn't there another way? Fix it or break it - and it sounds like your marriage is very broken. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 22, 2022 Share Posted March 22, 2022 (edited) If he's genuinely been abusive consistently in the past it's really no surprise that you've "drawn boundaries" that no longer include him. Maintaining and "defending" those boundaries, once you find the courage and "spine" to establish them, is something that abuse victims often find they need to do, as abusers often try to reel the victim back in (or worse). That may sting a bit for him, but in your situation you may feel it's simply necessary (in order to maintain those boundaries) and a result of the overall situation, rather than some deliberate effort by you to hurt him emotionally, correct? It also means your marriage is pretty much a trainwreck. No doubt you both share some responsibility for that, but if he was genuinely abusing you for years - well, what can be rationally expected at this point? IF you were to try to salvage it, you would have to accept his overtures of reconciliation and start to "let him back in" for it to actually be rebuilt. It seems you're not interested, nor would I think most folks be, as there's a good chance of an abuser slipping back into old habits once things settle down, unfortunately. Fool me once... Edited March 22, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 25, 2022 Author Share Posted March 25, 2022 On 3/22/2022 at 8:18 AM, BaileyB said: You already are - You are cheating on him, you are preoccupied with your phone (the reason why he is trying to look at your phone is because he knows something is going on), you refuse intimacy with him, when he tries to talk with you (rudely, at that), you gaslight, blame shift, and refuse to talk with him (I told him that this is not a way to start conversation). He has been abusive to you and your daughter, and there is no excuse for that. But, what you are doing to him is also hurtful and abusive. The moral high ground you stand on when you reprimand him and tell him that this is no way to start a conversation is unstable, at best. You are right. My behavior is terrible, but my point is that if you want to start a meaningful conversation with someone and solve something, you don't start it by calling them names. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 25, 2022 Author Share Posted March 25, 2022 On 3/22/2022 at 6:20 PM, mark clemson said: If he's genuinely been abusive consistently in the past it's really no surprise that you've "drawn boundaries" that no longer include him. Maintaining and "defending" those boundaries, once you find the courage and "spine" to establish them, is something that abuse victims often find they need to do, as abusers often try to reel the victim back in (or worse). That may sting a bit for him, but in your situation you may feel it's simply necessary (in order to maintain those boundaries) and a result of the overall situation, rather than some deliberate effort by you to hurt him emotionally, correct? It also means your marriage is pretty much a trainwreck. No doubt you both share some responsibility for that, but if he was genuinely abusing you for years - well, what can be rationally expected at this point? IF you were to try to salvage it, you would have to accept his overtures of reconciliation and start to "let him back in" for it to actually be rebuilt. It seems you're not interested, nor would I think most folks be, as there's a good chance of an abuser slipping back into old habits once things settle down, unfortunately. Fool me once... He has been genuinely abusive but as someone from dysfunctional family I didn't see it at first. I always blamed me for the way he was. I thought men are that way sometimes. Looking back, we both made mistakes. I did call him names when I could not deal with his criticism anymore and I also mentioned divorcing him too many times. He on other hand was more physical. Hitting my head on a car dashboard or steeping on breaks suddenly so i would get hit against it. Grabbing me, squeezing me, pushing me, slapping. Physically preventing me from leaving while demanding answers. However, whatever we went through back then was badly handled on both sides. Neither of us handled right. I will never think it was all his fault. We both made mistakes. Unfortunately, that changed me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 38 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: He has been genuinely abusive but as someone from dysfunctional family I didn't see it at first. I always blamed me for the way he was. I thought men are that way sometimes. Looking back, we both made mistakes. I did call him names when I could not deal with his criticism anymore and I also mentioned divorcing him too many times. He on other hand was more physical. Hitting my head on a car dashboard or steeping on breaks suddenly so i would get hit against it. Grabbing me, squeezing me, pushing me, slapping. Physically preventing me from leaving while demanding answers. However, whatever we went through back then was badly handled on both sides. Neither of us handled right. I will never think it was all his fault. We both made mistakes. Unfortunately, that changed me. Please for the love of god LEAVE. It's way overdue at this point. Abusers can often return to their abusive ways when the relationship is souring. As it inevitably will... because no person with a shred of self-esteem can "get over" that kind of physical abuse. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 2 hours ago, Vivalavi said: We both made mistakes. Unfortunately, that changed me. Changed you to what? A Cheater? You've admitted you don't love him anymore and can't stand for him to touch you so why are you not filing for divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted March 25, 2022 Author Share Posted March 25, 2022 28 minutes ago, stillafool said: Changed you to what? A Cheater? You've admitted you don't love him anymore and can't stand for him to touch you so why are you not filing for divorce? No. Not at all. It changed the way I feel about him. I lost that emotional connection. Cheating it's on me. It's was my wrong way how to escape the reality, pain of being stuck where I didn't want to be. I don't know what I feel for him. I care for him and love him to a certain degree. But I don't think it's the love married couples share. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 34 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: I don't know what I feel for him. I care for him and love him to a certain degree. But I don't think it's the love married couples share. You do know how you feel about him. You said it in the first sentence. It’s the entire purpose for this discussion. 34 minutes ago, Vivalavi said: It changed the way I feel about him. I lost that emotional connection. Which begs the question that was asked - 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Why are you not filing for divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Vivalavi said: Looking back, we both made mistakes. I did call him names when I could not deal with his criticism anymore and I also mentioned divorcing him too many times. He on other hand was more physical. Hitting my head on a car dashboard or steeping on breaks suddenly so i would get hit against it. Grabbing me, squeezing me, pushing me, slapping. Physically preventing me from leaving while demanding answers. However, whatever we went through back then was badly handled on both sides. Neither of us handled right. I will never think it was all his fault. We both made mistakes. Viva, you could call him names, threaten to divorce, cheat on him - there is literally nothing you can do that will ever make it ok for a man to physically abuse you or prevent you from escaping when you are feeling threatened. Of course, people and relationships are not perfect. Everyone has made mistakes and done things that they regret. But, you are trying to minimize and accept responsibility for the physical abuse he has inflicted on you by calling it a “mistake.” That’s messed up. Physical violence is not a “mistake.” A man who is prone to emotional and physical violence has a serious character flaw. Edited March 25, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 21 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Viva, you could call him names, threaten to divorce, cheat on him - there is literally nothing you can do that will ever make it ok for a man to physically abuse you or prevent you from escaping when you are feeling threatened. Repeating this because it's just that important. If you call him names, the justified response on his side would be to leave. If you cheat on him, the justified response on his side would be to leave. If you threaten to divorce him, the justified response on his side would be to, well, accept your offer. There is no justification for physical abuse. Zero. Zilch. None. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 25, 2022 Share Posted March 25, 2022 And since you know your husband is abusive and an abuser do you also know how dangerous it is for you to cheat on him? Do you have any idea what will happen to you when he finds out? If you can't stand for him to even touch you why are you sticking around waiting for the ball to drop? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 Why are you still married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vivalavi Posted May 31, 2022 Author Share Posted May 31, 2022 (edited) On 4/11/2022 at 7:48 AM, S2B said: Why are you still married? I'm not sure. Because it's all I know? I have been with him since I was 17. I'm 40 now. I look at him and I feel guilt for what I was doing behind his back. I feel guilty for not feeling what a wife supposed to feel for her H. But not enough guilt to leave. I look at him and see a father of my child. But I don't see a lover or a person I want to touch. I don't feel connected to him. When he touches me out of the blue on my chest or elsewhere - I feel violated. I feel grabbed. We argue so often. Lately, he calls me [ ] I told him when he called me that first time that it's not okay. He did it again recently and didn't see anything wrong with it. We can't communicate through any argument. He gets loud and won't listen. Or stops talking to me. Always blaming me for his reaction. The other day I was telling him that a bunch of girls from work were taking a cruise together and how it must be nice to do just girls vacation. He didn't think so and pretty much was fully against it. Also mentioned in front of our daughter that she is getting chonky. I told him not to body shame her. She is 6. She doesn't need to feel insecure. It's possible to fix it without actually putting her down. I'm just tired. I started to write down things he does I don't like. I know I need to pay attention to those good things as well. Edited May 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator offensive word Link to post Share on other sites
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