Can't stand my husband's touch

[Will am I]

If not for yourself, do it for your daughter. She’s getting at an age where she will understand and remember more and more what she’s going through. And depending on the girl’s development, she is also starting to notice a bit of what DH is doing to you.

Taking yourself and her our of the situation wil obviously be painful, but in the long run it will get you her gratitude and respect. 

[spiritedaway2003]

We can give you all the advice in the world, but they are useless without actions.  You’d been spinning in the situation for years and years (as you have)  and someday you will look back and say, “why didn’t I leave this unhappy and abusive relationship earlier?   If not for me, but for my daughter”.   Except by then, time won’t be on your side.    

Sex is a beautiful thing (ultimate form of physical intimacy between two people), and to feel disgusted and violated by your husband’s touch?  That is only  “symptoms” of what is obvious to most outsiders reading your posts — which is that you are in a very dysfunctional marriage.  In the meantime, continue talking with your therapist on processing your emotions.

At the end of the day, it’s your life, your choices.  You are choosing to stay for whatever reasons that made sense to you. Fighting inertia is difficult and sometimes and keeping the status quo is often the easiest (though may not be the healthiest) thing to do.  No one wants to deal with negative emotions because they are easier left alone in a locked box.  When you are tired enough, you will make your next step when you are ready. 

Edited June 1, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm just tired. I started to write down things he does I don't like. I know I need to pay attention to those good things as well. 

 

We know as you've been going around and around on this.  Nothing will get better in your marriage because he's an abuser and you are in love with another man.  There's no foundation because you cannot build on a lie.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

We know as you've been going around and around on this.  Nothing will get better in your marriage because he's an abuser and you are in love with another man.  There's no foundation because you cannot build on a lie.

No list is going to change that. 

If you are creating a list of the good things, so that you can better justify your decision to stay with your abusive husband, that’s a problem.

And, if you need to create a list of all the terrible things he does in order to better justify or make the decision to leave your marriage, that’s also a problem.

Your indecision is a decision Viv. You stay in your abusive marriage while searching for an external solution (affair) and waiting for some kind of epiphany that you should leave your husband - neither is going to come. You have control here, whether you chose to exercise that control is your decision. There is no need to justify your decision to leave your marriage. You just need to make the decision to file for divorce and deliver yourself and your daughter to a safe and peaceful home. 

Edited June 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[Vivalavi]

Thank you all! 

Last night we had another talk. I know...another talk and no action. He asked me if I want to work on this marriage and I said IDK. I tried to explain to him that what happened in the past when he was abusive left scars and broke connection we had. He can't understand that. He thinks I'm holding it against him after he changed for better. I tried to explain that calling me names, ignoring or not validating how certain things make me feel is still a form of abuse. He said I don't support him as a parent in some ways. I said I won't support what I don't agree with. I tried to explain our daughter is only 6 and he yells at her when she isn't doing what he wants. I won't support to push her to eat what she doesn't want. And it's not always what he wants it is a way he is trying to achieve it. Why to yell? Why to treat her with this or that? Talking about being chubby in front of her while it's obvious our fault for letting her to have too many sweets. 

Anyway, during this talk he was louder but  he was also hurt. I honestly don't believe he would physically hurt me as some of you fear. He knows better by now. 

He told me about things I don't do well at our household. And he was right. I have been lacking and slacking in some areas while feeling tired and stressed. 

I decided to do better. Do things he mentioned and to be a better person in general. I'll give this marriage two more months. I want to see if bettering myself will have a positive effect on how he treats me. If things will change for better. If not, then I will leave. No more excuses or waiting afterwards.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

He can't understand that. He thinks I'm holding it against him after he changed for better. I tried to explain that calling me names, ignoring or not validating how certain things make me feel is still a form of abuse.

He is not going to change. At some level you know this. It's up to you to stay or go.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Thank you all! 

Last night we had another talk. I know...another talk and no action. He asked me if I want to work on this marriage and I said IDK. I tried to explain to him that what happened in the past when he was abusive left scars and broke connection we had. He can't understand that. He thinks I'm holding it against him after he changed for better. I tried to explain that calling me names, ignoring or not validating how certain things make me feel is still a form of abuse. He said I don't support him as a parent in some ways. I said I won't support what I don't agree with. I tried to explain our daughter is only 6 and he yells at her when she isn't doing what he wants. I won't support to push her to eat what she doesn't want. And it's not always what he wants it is a way he is trying to achieve it. Why to yell? Why to treat her with this or that? Talking about being chubby in front of her while it's obvious our fault for letting her to have too many sweets. 

Anyway, during this talk he was louder but  he was also hurt. I honestly don't believe he would physically hurt me as some of you fear. He knows better by now. 

He told me about things I don't do well at our household. And he was right. I have been lacking and slacking in some areas while feeling tired and stressed. 

I decided to do better. Do things he mentioned and to be a better person in general. I'll give this marriage two more months. I want to see if bettering myself will have a positive effect on how he treats me. If things will change for better. If not, then I will leave. No more excuses or waiting afterwards.

Even if you let certain things go it is not a reason to name call or belittle you. 

I agree with you calling a little girl names or body shaming is harmful. I’d be more concerned about your daughter as these scars are carried for years and affect how a person perceives themselves. If you knew abusive parents or someone who treated another parent this way or saw it growing up it was normal to you and this man abusing you became the norm. Break that cycle. It’s a good thing you’ve realized this instead of agreeing or supporting the way he treats your daughter. This is a very ignorant and backwards way to raise a child. It’s instilling shame and fear, negative reinforcement as opposed to positive. Avoid giving her too many sweets also if it affects her health negatively. Teach her she doesn’t need to comfort eat and she’s a beautiful person inside and out.

Even if he changes in a brief two months he is still the same man. Don’t stand for any belittling and emotional abuse. I really hesitated posting here as everything in your thread is a trigger for me but I’m here to lend some support. Do what you have to do and know you’re not alone moving on from spaces like this. 

[Vivalavi]

I know this is a bit different subject to bring up now but it has been on my mind all week. I, together with all coworkers from department, was invited to a BBQ at a coworker's house. Some people are bringing spouses, some not. I was going to bring my daughter because kids were invited too, but since no one is actually bringing them, I will be going on my own. And that's where the problem is. My husband doesn't like the idea. I feel bad, but at the same time I want to hang out with people I work with. I've never had coworkers like that before where we would do fun stuff outside our jobs. This isn't going to a bar at night which I would not go to, this is just an afternoon BBQ by the river. 

My husband "gave" me permission to go, but isn't happy about it. My reasoning not to take him is simple. He is jealous of any male coworkers I've ever worked with before no matter the age. The better looking the worse jealousy and remarks despite no attraction on my end.

I know things would get worse if he saw my male coworkers this time. I would hear remarks all the time and I don't want that. I can't deal with it.

In a way, he is doing exactly what my dad was doing to my mom. She would never go to any work party because he was jealous of other men and then get drunk.

I feel like the best solution would be not to go no matter how innocent the party actually is.

[mark clemson]

If you're going to try to work on the marriage, it might be good to have a marriage counselor, as sometimes it helps to have a "referee" for some of the difficult discussions that may need to be had between you.

If you choose to do this, suggest you find one who is licensed and very experienced. Also be on the lookout for the small, but real,  % who are weirdos or have agendas of various kinds. Do not let them push you into something you're uncomfortable with. If you don't like them/aren't comfortable with their suggestions/ideas, then you would need to just find a different one.

Edited June 10, 2022 by mark clemson

[SingFish]

On 3/16/2022 at 9:12 AM, Vivalavi said:

I should not feel this way about my husband and I sound like a spoiled brat.

I think it takes a lot to forgive someone for abuse, and the biggest thing is whether the abuser will allow whatever time it takes for the person they abused to heal. It can take years. 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

He is jealous of any male coworkers I've ever worked with before no matter the age. The better looking the worse jealousy and remarks despite no attraction on my end.

I know things would get worse if he saw my male coworkers this time.

Not to hijack this thread with information from your other threads, but you are having an affair with a male coworker - are you not? 

This doesn't mean I think it's necessary to bring him to this event, to be clear. You are perfectly within your rights to socialize without your husband in tow. But given recent events between you and your MM, it appears your husband's concerns are not entirely unfounded. 

This specific MM isn't going to be there, is he? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to hijack this thread with information from your other threads, but you are having an affair with a male coworker - are you not? 

This doesn't mean I think it's necessary to bring him to this event, to be clear. You are perfectly within your rights to socialize without your husband in tow. But given recent events between you and your MM, it appears your husband's concerns are not entirely unfounded. 

^^^^ Very true.

That said, I don’t ask my partner’s permission to attend a social work gathering. And, he has never once asked to go. 

The dynamic you have in your marriage clearly mirrors the dynamic in your parent’s marriage - you see that Viv. What you have more difficulty accepting is that this is not a normal or healthy relationship dynamic. 

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship when there is trust. In this case, jealousy is the hallmark of a controlling and abusive man. 

Just imagine how he would respond if he knew the truth. You play with fire, both by staying and by having an affair. 

Edited June 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to hijack this thread with information from your other threads, but you are having an affair with a male coworker - are you not? 

This doesn't mean I think it's necessary to bring him to this event, to be clear. You are perfectly within your rights to socialize without your husband in tow. But given recent events between you and your MM, it appears your husband's concerns are not entirely unfounded. 

This specific MM isn't going to be there, is he? 

This was my initial thought too.  Is there a chance MM will be there and that is why you really don't want to take your husband?  I don't see a problem with your attending an event without your husband either; but considering you've been cheating and supposedly working on making your marrage better, I would think you'd want to try to socialize with him and have a good time.

[glows]

On 6/10/2022 at 7:34 AM, Vivalavi said:

This isn't going to a bar at night which I would not go to, this is just an afternoon BBQ by the river. 

I think it depends on whether your AP (the MM) will be there. What's the reason for your husband not going? 

[Vivalavi]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to hijack this thread with information from your other threads, but you are having an affair with a male coworker - are you not? 

This doesn't mean I think it's necessary to bring him to this event, to be clear. You are perfectly within your rights to socialize without your husband in tow. But given recent events between you and your MM, it appears your husband's concerns are not entirely unfounded. 

This specific MM isn't going to be there, is he? 

MM ended the affair two weeks ago. There is nothing physical between us anymore.

Yes, he was there but I've never felt more as a stranger with him than today. He was supposed to come with his wife but ended up coming on his own. We barely talked to each other. He was on his phone more than anyone else. I just hate this. But. It's none of my business.

[Vivalavi]

My reason not to bring him was his jealousy. If he saw my coworkers - younger and  good looking, I would hear all about it. I feel like it really doesn't matter - if it's a man around me it bothers him.

Prior today's work BBQ by the river event, my H wasn't happy with me buying a cheap shoes to go with my maxi dress. Just the fact what I was wearing bothered him. There was nothing revealing about this dress, I just look nice in it.  He asked if I'm going to buy new panties as well. While getting ready, he came into my shower and checked if I shaved "everything"!!!

The whole day I was listening to his remarks. Once I got to the event, he kept texting me. Saying he loves me, etc.

Now, he got mad at me because I stayed there from 2 pm til 8 (to watch sunset). He sent me a text saying "not to kill your mood, but if you get home at dark, you can go sleep at a hotel. " I called him several times and he wouldn't answer.

This event was totally innocent. We all played games and talked as a group. I know I stayed longer but that's what people do when they stay at the river.

I don't do this going out with coworkers more than 1 or 2x a year. He got mad and is not talking to me now while he used to be the one going to fish for longer than that or going to play disc golf with his buddies.

I just don't feel like apologizing to him. The only thing I regret is the time away from my daughter.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

MM ended the affair two weeks ago. There is nothing physical between us anymore.

Doesn’t matter. Expat’s point stands - you have had a very inappropriate relationship with the man and you are still in contact with him. 

55 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Prior today's work BBQ by the river event, my H wasn't happy with me buying a cheap shoes to go with my maxi dress. Just the fact what I was wearing bothered him. There was nothing revealing about this dress, I just look nice in it.  He asked if I'm going to buy new panties as well. While getting ready, he came into my shower and checked if I shaved "everything"!!!

How is this acceptable to you Viv? Are you just going to complain about your husband your entire life? Are you looking for sympathy? Validation - you are right, this is ridiculous! No husband should treat a wife this way. He is mean and disrespectful. His comments are demeaning. But what - he will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

My reason not to bring him was his jealousy. If he saw my coworkers - younger and  good looking, I would hear all about it. I feel like it really doesn't matter - if it's a man around me it bothers him.

Prior today's work BBQ by the river event, my H wasn't happy with me buying a cheap shoes to go with my maxi dress. Just the fact what I was wearing bothered him. There was nothing revealing about this dress, I just look nice in it.  He asked if I'm going to buy new panties as well. While getting ready, he came into my shower and checked if I shaved "everything"!!!

The whole day I was listening to his remarks. Once I got to the event, he kept texting me. Saying he loves me, etc.

Now, he got mad at me because I stayed there from 2 pm til 8 (to watch sunset). He sent me a text saying "not to kill your mood, but if you get home at dark, you can go sleep at a hotel. " I called him several times and he wouldn't answer.

This event was totally innocent. We all played games and talked as a group. I know I stayed longer but that's what people do when they stay at the river.

I don't do this going out with coworkers more than 1 or 2x a year. He got mad and is not talking to me now while he used to be the one going to fish for longer than that or going to play disc golf with his buddies.

I just don't feel like apologizing to him. The only thing I regret is the time away from my daughter.

Don’t apologize. Just reconsider the marriage. It sounds like you had a nice time at the BBQ and I’m glad that you went. Your husband treats you badly and I think your marriage is not salvageable.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

MM ended the affair two weeks ago. There is nothing physical between us anymore.

Yes, he was there but I've never felt more as a stranger with him than today. He was supposed to come with his wife 

Viva, let's be honest: no wonder you didn't want to bring your husband - you knew MM was coming and you didn't want your world blown up. Yeah, maybe you knew he would be jealous with younger and more attractive coworkers around, but I'm not quite buying that's the primary reason you didn't want him there. Your AP was there. 

3 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Prior today's work BBQ by the river event, my H wasn't happy with me buying a cheap shoes to go with my maxi dress. Just the fact what I was wearing bothered him. There was nothing revealing about this dress, I just look nice in it.  He asked if I'm going to buy new panties as well. While getting ready, he came into my shower and checked if I shaved "everything"!!!

So what are you going to do about this? He treats you terribly, and yet ... you stay. But as we have said before, in other threads, your husband is on to you. It seems he knows you've been cheating, and the way he's handling it is very inappropriate. You rattle off quite disturbing lists of all the things he has said and done, and all the way he's mistreated you. Are you seeking endoresment to leave him? 

If you're this unhappy in the marriage, you know what you need to do. The question is, will you actually do it? 

[Vivalavi]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Doesn’t matter. Expat’s point stands - you have had a very inappropriate relationship with the man and you are still in contact with him. 

How is this acceptable to you Viv? Are you just going to complain about your husband your entire life? Are you looking for sympathy? Validation - you are right, this is ridiculous! No husband should treat a wife this way. He is mean and disrespectful. His comments are demeaning. But what - he will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow it. 

You are right! What I did was wrong and in a way I feel responsible for his behavior. I made him insecure. 

He has no idea about MM but he wasn't happy knowing my other coworker was there - the one he knew I texted to set up on a date with my single friend. And no matter what I told him he would not take that as a true reason to talk to him.  I don't care for that man. He is just a friend and a coworker. I told him that I showed him messages to my female friend about him. He would take nothing.

 

 

[Vivalavi]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Viva, let's be honest: no wonder you didn't want to bring your husband - you knew MM was coming and you didn't want your world blown up. Yeah, maybe you knew he would be jealous with younger and more attractive coworkers around, but I'm not quite buying that's the primary reason you didn't want him there. Your AP was there. 

So what are you going to do about this? He treats you terribly, and yet ... you stay. But as we have said before, in other threads, your husband is on to you. It seems he knows you've been cheating, and the way he's handling it is very inappropriate. You rattle off quite disturbing lists of all the things he has said and done, and all the way he's mistreated you. Are you seeking endoresment to leave him? 

If you're this unhappy in the marriage, you know what you need to do. The question is, will you actually do it? 

I'm not sure how it would blow my world except he would see more reasons (more men) to be jealous. MM and I act like friends. Nothing more. We don't flirt or anything. We barely spoke which in a way made me sad. Other people talked to me a lot more than he did and we weren't even that close. With him there is a history, certain connection. I knew things about him that others don't. 

I wrote on here about this situation to get more POV in case my own was a wrong one. I feel responsible for his behavior in a way and I also thought that maybe he is right. Maybe wives should not go without husbands and certainly not for half a day. 

But I also feel that if it was other way, he would not have a problem go away for long and do whatever he likes. 

[Vivalavi]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Don’t apologize. Just reconsider the marriage. It sounds like you had a nice time at the BBQ and I’m glad that you went. Your husband treats you badly and I think your marriage is not salvageable.

I didn't. I was trying to explain my POV to him. He is giving my silent treatment. I feel guilty and in a way responsible even though it was completely innocent get together. And yes, I had a good time. It was nice to socialize even though I saw a side of MM that made me sad once again. I need to let go. Both of them I'm afraid.

[glows]

15 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I didn't. I was trying to explain my POV to him. He is giving my silent treatment. I feel guilty and in a way responsible even though it was completely innocent get together. And yes, I had a good time. It was nice to socialize even though I saw a side of MM that made me sad once again. I need to let go. Both of them I'm afraid.

Kindly, this is a lot of drama manufacture and chaos. I’m understanding that you didn’t invite you husband which is already quite weird in the big picture as most spouses would invite their partners and it’s up them to decline. Your husband has had a long abusive marriage with you and you don’t trust him anywhere likely (understandable). 

None of your issues are going to resolve if you don’t address your marriage and leaving it. The reason you feel guilty is because you’re in a marriage that isn’t working anymore. Your husband you don’t feel comfortable around ever is like a cancer growing into other parts of your life and affecting it. 

The MM, in my mind, is total white noise and erroneous. He’s a pawn and an object of affection in a marriage that hasn’t worked for a very long time.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

You are right! What I did was wrong and in a way I feel responsible for his behavior. I made him insecure. 

He has no idea about MM but he wasn't happy knowing my other coworker was there - the one he knew I texted to set up on a date with my single friend. And no matter what I told him he would not take that as a true reason to talk to him.  I don't care for that man. He is just a friend and a coworker. I told him that I showed him messages to my female friend about him. He would take nothing.

 

 

Actually this would have been your chance to show you husband there was nothing going on with you and this coworker or MM if you had taken him along.  How did you know MM was supposed to bring his wife?  You were hoping to be with him in some way and probably why you stayed so late.   Yes your husband is acting jealous and controlling but you are giving him reason to.  Reverse this situation and see how you would feel if you actually loved your husband, you'd be hurt, jealous and lashing out at him.  Just go get a divorce so you can stop blaming him and get who you want.  Also you could have taken your daughter with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

We barely spoke which in a way made me sad. Other people talked to me a lot more than he did and we weren't even that close. With him there is a history, certain connection. I knew things about him that others don't. 

Maybe so, but he is making it clear that you need to keep your distance now. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm not sure how it would blow my world except he would see more reasons (more men) to be jealous

Then I think you are being willfully naive, and not really understanding how closely your husband has been monitoring you recently. I would bet my bottom dollar that you would be unable to hide your interest in MM in a way that your husband would not notice, with both of them standing right in front of you. 

I am also assuming you didn't want your husband around just in case the occasion arose with MM to chat, flirt a little and so on. It's for the best that he shut that down, but I don't believe that you weren't hopeful going to this party.