Can't stand my husband's touch

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

We barely spoke which in a way made me sad. Other people talked to me a lot more than he did and we weren't even that close. With him there is a history, certain connection. I knew things about him that others don't. 

Maybe so, but he is making it clear that you need to keep your distance now. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm not sure how it would blow my world except he would see more reasons (more men) to be jealous

Then I think you are being willfully naive, and not really understanding how closely your husband has been monitoring you recently. I would bet my bottom dollar that you would be unable to hide your interest in MM in a way that your husband would not notice, with both of them standing right in front of you. 

I am also assuming you didn't want your husband around just in case the occasion arose with MM to chat, flirt a little and so on. It's for the best that he shut that down, but I don't believe that you weren't hopeful going to this party. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

What I did was wrong and in a way I feel responsible for his behavior. I made him insecure. 

No, you did not. You are not responsible for his controlling and abusive behavior. 

Yes, you cheated and he has good reason to be suspicious, but nothing gives him the right to behave the way he does toward you and your daughter. 

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

MM and I act like friends. Nothing more. We barely spoke which in a way made me sad. Other people talked to me a lot more than he did and we weren't even that close. With him there is a history, certain connection. I knew things about him that others don't. 

Forgive me if I don’t empathize that your affair partner maintained an appropriate boundary and didn’t talk to you are the social gathering with your coworkers. It’s not appropriate that you know things about him that others do not. It’s time to move on Viv. Let it go.

Edited June 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am also assuming you didn't want your husband around just in case the occasion arose with MM to chat, flirt a little and so on. It'

In fact, she was “quite sad” that this didn’t happen. They didn’t flirt, he barely spoke to her… The expectation here is that because she knows him better than anyone else, they should have had a moment together at the gathering… and the fact that they didn’t is pretty disappointing. 

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then I think you are being willfully naive

Viv - you don’t see the danger here of your husband finding out, you should. He will make your life very difficult, should he ever discover the truth. And, I’m not necessarily talking about physical violence. Doubtful that you are as good at covering your tracks as you think - 

Edited June 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[Vivalavi]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In fact, she was “quite sad” that this didn’t happen. They didn’t flirt, he barely spoke to her… The expectation here is that because she knows him better than anyone else, they should have had a moment together at the gathering… and the fact that they didn’t is pretty disappointing. 

Viv - you don’t see the danger here of your husband finding out, you should. He will make your life very difficult, should he ever discover the truth. And, I’m not necessarily talking about physical violence. Doubtful that you are as good at covering your tracks as you think - 

True. Maybe I'm more careless than I thought. But, I was sad not because we didn't flirt, I was sad that he wasn't acting as a friend as anyone else was. We actually never flirted at work with people around. 

And my disappointment was also to see him on his phone so much which made me think he might be texting someone new. I know this is pathetic on my part. It's none of my business what he does or does not.

[Vivalavi]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe so, but he is making it clear that you need to keep your distance now. 

Then I think you are being willfully naive, and not really understanding how closely your husband has been monitoring you recently. I would bet my bottom dollar that you would be unable to hide your interest in MM in a way that your husband would not notice, with both of them standing right in front of you. 

I am also assuming you didn't want your husband around just in case the occasion arose with MM to chat, flirt a little and so on. It's for the best that he shut that down, but I don't believe that you weren't hopeful going to this party. 

If there was any hope, it was very little. His wife was supposed to be there, but suddenly changed her mind according to him. I thought maybe if I see them together, my rational part of a brain would kick in and I'll be able to move on quickly. I thought I would see real them - people who love each other. Not the way he portraits them. 

 

[Vivalavi]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually this would have been your chance to show you husband there was nothing going on with you and this coworker or MM if you had taken him along.  How did you know MM was supposed to bring his wife?  You were hoping to be with him in some way and probably why you stayed so late.   Yes your husband is acting jealous and controlling but you are giving him reason to.  Reverse this situation and see how you would feel if you actually loved your husband, you'd be hurt, jealous and lashing out at him.  Just go get a divorce so you can stop blaming him and get who you want.  Also you could have taken your daughter with you.

That's true, too.

I knew his wife was supposed to come because he told me so.

My plan was to take my daughter with me but everyone who actually has kids were not bringing them. They made it adult party only. 

I know you are right. If our marriage was working, perhaps I would feel the same if it was other way around. But I would not text him to get a hotel if he gets home after 8. 

 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

But I would not text him to get a hotel if he gets home after 8. 

Viv you might if you thought he had spent the day with his affair partner and didn't want to take you with him so you could do so.  Every hour away would be agonizing and your imagination would be running at full speed.

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

But I would not text him to get a hotel if he gets home after 8. 

You might if you'd suspected he'd been cheating on you. 

[Vivalavi]

My H asked me - do you think it's normal to leave for 7 hours??? Tell me yes and no. Google it and tell me if it's normal! If you find one answer saying it's okay to be away so long without your husband and child. 

I said I regret leaving my D for so long but I don't think it's not normal to have fun outside once in a while. 

He got upset more. I told him we need to stop hurting each other. He asked when did HE actually hurt me!? Long story short I said we should separate, he said we won't. We will divorce.

Later on, I came to him and apologized. I said that I'm sorry for hurting your feelings by staying out so long and not taking you with me. He wasn't happy about my apology. I don't know what he wants at this point. But he said thank you for apologizing.

I don't know. This whole situation is awful. Stressful. I feel guilty. I feel terrible for seeing him cry. He deserves better.

 

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

My H asked me - do you think it's normal to leave for 7 hours???

I did the same on both Friday and Saturday. And, I volunteered at a charity run for four hours this morning. My partner didn’t complain once. He found a way to keep himself busy and it was not a problem. I didn’t ask for permission. He said - have fun with your family, enjoy the charity event. If you want to go to a work party, you have every right to go Viv - assuming that you have childcare. And, I wouldn’t call leaving your daughter with your husband childcare - I would call that “parenting.”

My brother goes golfing once a week for that long and his wife cares for their three children. His wife regularly gets together with her girlfriends leaving their three children with their father. In fact, my brother enjoys that time alone with the children - they often find something special to do/eat. The kids LOVE it when mom is away, as I did when my mother used to be away and my father planned special things with us! They have left their children with me for that long - longer actually, as long a week when they travel for his work. I enjoy that time with my nieces and nephews. 

My point being, he is trying to manipulate you by guilting you about going to a social gathering without including him/leaving your child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself to do something that you enjoy - assuming that you are not meeting your affair partner to cheat on your husband. It is part of what we all need to do for mental health. He should use that time to build a better relationship with your daughter. 

46 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He deserves better.

Set him free. Set yourself and your daughter free. You will be SO MUCH HAPPIER if you divorce! You stop hurting each other by filing for divorce.

Edited June 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Long story short I said we should separate, he said we won't. We will divorce.

Given how toxic this marriage is, and the fact that you're already emotionally totally checked out, I think divorce is the best option. 

You will be free to find a man who loves you and is available for a real relatiionship. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

 I said we should separate, he said we won't. We will divorce.

Divorce may be a viable consideration at this point. Have you spoken to an attorney about your options in the event of divorce?