Committed, but starting to have feelings for another

[Missy Love]

I'm in a committed relationship, and we have built something good, invested a lot into a potential future, and have spent over a year deepening our relationship. There are some things that haven't felt completely in line, but we've worked through them and become stronger as a result. We've created a life together, but still growing and working through things. There are still some things I find to be lacking between us, but we haven't given up.   

I have a good friend, who I've known for close to 10-years. There was not ever anything romantic between us. He has always been in a committed relationship and was engaged, and so I never considered anything more than friendship. Recently, he and his partner broke up. I'm starting to feel that there could've been something there between us more than friendship, but we never had the chance to explore it. Sometimes I find myself feeling that the things that are hard with my current partner would be easier to navigate with him because we have more history and shared values. 

I know these feelings are wrong and unfair to have, and not sure what to do with them.    

Edited March 16, 2022 by Missy Love

[glows]

Lack of shared values can be an issue. You might want to distance yourself from this friendship and figure out what you’re going to do in your relationship.

Know also that if your friend is separating from his fiancée or breaking up the last useful thing in his life is a rebound with an unavailable woman or her feelings. You’re thinking within yourself here and in the scope of a very tiny moment in time. He’s vulnerable and needing friends. If he hooks up with you he’ll realize what you’re capable of if you cheat on your partner or have feelings for someone else while in a relationship. 

Why not deal with the issues in your relationship? Do you mind me asking what are the issues that are bothering you? What values are misaligned with your current partner? 

Edited March 16, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

I find myself feeling that the things that are hard with my current partner would be easier to navigate with him because we have more history and shared values. 

Unfortunately if there are issues with your current partner, nostalgia and longing seem to start looking good.

 Is this the same man?:

 

[Missy Love]

I have more mutual friends with my friend, and there is more opportunity to spend time together since we live close. Much of our interests are similar, which is why we've been friends for a long time. There's a lot of respect and understanding between us, and we know each other well. We've always communicated well and felt we could be honest. My partner has taken actions to help our relationship grow, and I recognize it's unfair to have these feelings. I've wanted more from a partnership than my partner has provided, but things have been changing for the better. I've wanted more mutual friends and more of a shared life, more understanding of each other. The organic growth that I've felt with my friend is what I've thought a partnership would be like. At the same time, I feel my partner and I have invested too much to just cut things off.  

Edited March 16, 2022 by Missy Love

[glows]

18 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

I have more mutual friends with my friend, and there is more opportunity to spend time together since we live close. Much of our interests are similar, which is why we've been friends for a long time. There's a lot of respect and understanding between us, and we know each other well. We've always communicated well and felt we could be honest. My partner has taken actions to help our relationship grow, and I recognize it's unfair to have these feelings. I've wanted more from a partnership than my partner has provided, but things have been changing for the better. I've wanted more mutual friends and more of a shared life, more understanding of each other. The organic growth that I've felt with my friend is what I've thought a partnership would be like. At the same time, I feel my partner and I have invested too much to just cut things off.  

How do you think your partner would react knowing he’s trying and you’re thinking of another man? 

[Bubble_20]

Coming from a side relationship with a friend I’d known for over 10 years, don’t fool yourself that nothing could go wrong here.
Whether you’ve know someone for years or a few months, these ‘relationships’ can go tits up in the most spectacular way. Try and put to one side everything you know about this man and focus on yourself (why you’re even contemplating taking this friendship further) and what is missing from your current partnership. 
tread carefully 🙂

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Missy Love said:

Sometimes I find myself feeling that the things that are hard with my current partner would be easier to navigate with him because we have more history and shared values. 

Ah, the grass is greener syndrome… The truth is, you don’t know anything about what kind of partner this man would be for you and how life would be if you were together. The reality is, you are likely to argue about the bills, visiting each other’s families, and so many other things. He may be better for you in some ways, but not others - you don’t know because you have never been in a relationship with him. So, anytime you start to fantasize about how “different” life would be with this other man, I suggest that you challenge that thinking because fantasy relationships are not real life.

Two other things, it’s difficult to assess the future of your current relationship if you are investing and dreaming about a relationship with another man. It goes without saying, it’s unfair to your current partner. He is simply never going to be able to compete with a “new” relationship or the idea of a fantasy relationship with a man that you have known for several years. 

And second, as the saying goes, you have the right to end your relationship if you want to pursue another… What you don’t have is the right to keep your current partner around for comfort and security while you explore the viability of another relationship. Some people feel perfectly entitled to do this and I would respectfully suggest that you consider how unfair that is to your current partner as you make your decisions going forward.

Best wishes! 

 

Edited March 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

My partner has taken actions to help our relationship grow, and I recognize it's unfair to have these feelings.

However you could step back and observe why the grass is looking greener vis-a-vis to your relationship. This in itself is a warning flag you should reflect on.

This old friend situation probably won't go anywhere, however in your mind something already looks better than what you are settling for in your relationship.

[introverted1]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And second, as the saying goes, you have the right to end your relationship if you want to pursue another… What you don’t have is the right to keep your current partner around for comfort and security while you explore the viability of another relationship. Some people feel perfectly entitled to do this and I would respectfully suggest that you consider how unfair that is to your current partner as you make your decisions going forward.

Seconded.

If you want to chase "what if" with your friend, at least have the decency to end your current relationship first.

[Missy Love]

Right, I don't think the old friend situation will go anywhere either. It's more that I don't feel happy or that my needs are getting met in my current relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Missy Love said:

It's more that I don't feel happy or that my needs are getting met in my current relationship. 

Then this is where you need to focus. 

It might be time to re-evaluate the true viability of this relationship, without the sunk cost fallacy hanging over your head. If it's not working, it's not working. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Missy Love said:

 I don't feel happy or that my needs are getting met in my current relationship. 

Then cut your losses. Hanging on to bad investments is a losing proposition.

[glows]

16 hours ago, Missy Love said:

Right, I don't think the old friend situation will go anywhere either. It's more that I don't feel happy or that my needs are getting met in my current relationship. 

Then face this and deal with this. You cited more shared values with someone else so figure out what those are exactly.

I strongly suggest you either work out your unmet needs with your partner or sort out clearly and privately why you’re leaving the relationship. 

Once you have your thoughts more sorted you can think about what you need to do next. 

 

[Missy Love]

Sometimes things with my partner are very good, and I notice progress. I just have these thoughts sometimes, especially when we are in a disagreement that there could be something better. I know it’s unfair to think that. At this point, I don’t think I should end things with my partner with everything we’ve already invested. Sometimes I just fear I am committed to the wrong person, and there could be something better.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Missy Love said:

Sometimes things with my partner are very good, and I notice progress. I just have these thoughts sometimes, especially when we are in a disagreement that there could be something better. I know it’s unfair to think that. At this point, I don’t think I should end things with my partner with everything we’ve already invested. Sometimes I just fear I am committed to the wrong person, and there could be something better.

I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t relate. When I’m committed I’m committed to someone and I don’t second guess myself. If there are issues between the both of you or a general uneasiness about the way you feel then don’t stay out of obligation. Have courage and do what’s best for you. 

[DKT3]

So you want a romcom relationship,  like Ross and Rachel? With all your friends being his friends...sounds boring like going to catholic school.  You know were they attempt to make everyone think the same.

You can't manufacture the perfect relationship.  There is always potential for something better,  however there is the same potential for someone worse.

Relationships are work, there will always be disagreements, oddly enough,  you have the foundation for a lasting relationship with your current relationship because you have a partner willing to work to improve the relationship while you're looking to replace him. 

[dramafreezone]

20 hours ago, Missy Love said:

Right, I don't think the old friend situation will go anywhere either. It's more that I don't feel happy or that my needs are getting met in my current relationship. 

What does this mean,  you don't feel that your "needs are getting met?"  What is it that you're expecting?  And are his needs getting met?  Is this something you've discussed with him?

Relationships are work, you get out what you put in, and no one is perfect.  Sometimes they're stressful, sometimes they're boring, that's normal.  This other guy, he won't be perfect either and there will be the same ebbs and flows with him once the novelty wears off. 

Every person is going to come up short of ideal, so it's about accepting a person for their faults and loving them anyway, and working to get what you want in the relationship by giving of yourself. 

But having romantic feelings for someone else isn't an indicator that they're the one you should be with.  That's just an involuntary emotion and has nothing to do with how viable a relationship partner they would be.

Edited March 17, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Missy Love]

It's that I feel very lonely in my current relationship. There is some distance between us, but he's trying to change that. I don't feel my emotional needs are getting met, and that he just isn't there for me as much as I want in a partnership. I don't feel like we live life as a team, but very separate individuals, who text and meet up on the weekends. When I try to vocalize my needs, I am met with frustration because he feels that he's trying. There's also been issues around trust on my end. I feel stuck that I can't end it because he has taken the steps to try and move closer.  

[basil67]

@Missy Love you can end a relationship any time you want for any reason.  That he's making an effort now doesn't mean that you have to give another chance or stick around to see how it works out.  It's absolutely acceptable to say "I know you're trying and I thank you for that. However, I'm just not feeling it and it's best if I move on"  

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Missy Love said:

It's that I feel very lonely in my current relationship. There is some distance between us, but he's trying to change that. I don't feel my emotional needs are getting met, and that he just isn't there for me as much as I want in a partnership. I don't feel like we live life as a team, but very separate individuals, who text and meet up on the weekends. When I try to vocalize my needs, I am met with frustration because he feels that he's trying. There's also been issues around trust on my end. I feel stuck that I can't end it because he has taken the steps to try and move closer.  

He's probably feeling lonely and frustrated as well but at least he's trying.  I'm sure his emotional needs aren't being met either with you wanting another man he's in an uphill battle.  You are not a team anymore because you're on someone else's team.  You say you try to  vocalize your needs but do you ask what his are?  At least he's trying, are you?  Please set your husband free for another woman and free yourself to be with someone else who will make you happy.

[glows]

Missy Love, to get a clearer picture I went back to reread your latest threads and they do have a common theme and struggle. You’ve been dating this boyfriend for about a year and it’s been a worsening battle as you also question yourself and your self-esteem seems very low. You’re also negative and jealous of your partner or other people in his life. Other members suggested therapy but I’m not sure if you’ve started that or been able to find someone. 

What seems puzzling to me or caused me to go back to read your threads is you seem filled with guilt thinking of leaving your partner now but yet aren’t doing anything about it nor ending the inappropriate friendship with this male friend you’ve developed feelings for. He seems to be a cover for your real fears which make you feel helpless in relationships (you talked about this in the Dec 2/21 thread). 

My suggestion is still therapy and lots of it. You’re still struggling daily and now it’s another reason and another layer on top of the real fears and root of why you struggle every day with commitment or can’t feel happy in a relationship that your logic is telling you otherwise. Do you feel you need help? Why not focus on repairing your ability to trust and figure out what’s causing you to break down longer term relationships or self-sabotage? 

[Missy Love]

Thanks. I’m going to take a break from the relationship or at least tell my partner about these feelings. Honestly, I don’t feel happy in relationships so probably shouldn’t be in one at all for now. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Missy Love said:

Thanks. I’m going to take a break from the relationship or at least tell my partner about these feelings. Honestly, I don’t feel happy in relationships so probably shouldn’t be in one at all for now. 

I’m not sure what you hope to achieve by telling him your feelings for someone else. Do you intend to end it or ? If your intention is to end the relationship, just let him know it’s no longer working although you know you’ve both tried. Don’t drag it out with prolonged pain.

One year dating is a good time to take stock, figure out whether you’re happy with the situation and either free each other or continue on.

Edited March 21, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

On 3/17/2022 at 10:27 AM, Missy Love said:

Sometimes things with my partner are very good, and I notice progress. I just have these thoughts sometimes, especially when we are in a disagreement that there could be something better. I know it’s unfair to think that. At this point, I don’t think I should end things with my partner with everything we’ve already invested. Sometimes I just fear I am committed to the wrong person, and there could be something better.

Well it's not unfair because you can't help how you feel and you've admitted you aren't happy.  It doesn't matter how much time you two have invested in the relationship you just aren't happy.  Maybe it's time to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hold and exit.  It's better to have wasted some time trying to make a bad relationship work than the rest of your life miserable by staying in it, especially since kids aren't involved.

[BaileyB]

I tend to agree - if you have decided to end it, spare him the details about this other person. But, I’m not sure that’s what you meant - perhaps you meant, you are going to tell him that you are unhappy. 

There is no shame in telling the man that you have been thinking about it and you just aren’t feeling it anymore. People end relationships every single day for (sometimes) the stupidest of reasons. If you aren’t feeling it, you aren’t feeling it. Better to tell him now than continue to drag this on - he’s putting in effort and thinking things are going ok. 

Edited March 21, 2022 by BaileyB