Author Missy Love Posted March 21, 2022 Author Share Posted March 21, 2022 Thanks. It’s hard. I don’t plan to tell him I have feelings for someone, but that I am not happy and that this doesn’t seem to be working any longer. He recently told me he feels numb, but he’s willing to hold on and keep trying, so in some ways, I think he will be relieved. I think what makes it especially hard is we’ve talked about getting engaged, and both of our families started to get invested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 3 minutes ago, Missy Love said: Thanks. It’s hard. I don’t plan to tell him I have feelings for someone, but that I am not happy and that this doesn’t seem to be working any longer. He recently told me he feels numb, but he’s willing to hold on and keep trying, so in some ways, I think he will be relieved. I think what makes it especially hard is we’ve talked about getting engaged, and both of our families started to get invested. Yes usually when one is no longer feeling it neither is the other. He's trying because he's thinking you want this relationship and so does your families. It will take some of the pressure off of him to let him know you aren't feeling it either. Too bad if your families won't be happy but I'm sure each family would rather see both of you married to people who make you happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Missy Love said: Thanks. It’s hard. I don’t plan to tell him I have feelings for someone, but that I am not happy and that this doesn’t seem to be working any longer. He recently told me he feels numb, but he’s willing to hold on and keep trying, so in some ways, I think he will be relieved. I think what makes it especially hard is we’ve talked about getting engaged, and both of our families started to get invested. Numbness is a response to constant pain and trauma. I'd think twice about being engaged or starting a life with someone who feels dependent on you or is willing to keep trying while he is aware that he is numb. It's sad that he can't walk away from this knowing that neither of you are happy or is leaving it to you to make the decision when he is equally unhappy. One of you needs to be the bigger person and do the right thing. I agree your families will be just as relieved as the worst thing you can do is bring a family or children into this world in an unhappy marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Missy Love said: ... that I am not happy and that this doesn’t seem to be working any longer. He recently told me he feels numb, but he’s willing to hold on and keep trying... we’ve talked about getting engaged There is such a thing as "settling" but IMO for that to work it takes settling for something that you both feel is at least pretty good. Seems to me that a relationship should not be this much "work" and/or becoming an endurance contest of sorts at the first year point. It doesn't seem to bode well for the future IF you were to try to "make it work". Most likely better to acknowledge that you're just not quite right for each other. Edited March 21, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 27 minutes ago, glows said: It's sad that he can't walk away from this knowing that neither of you are happy or is leaving it to you to make the decision when he is equally unhappy. He's probably only doing this because he thinks this is what she wants and his family. It's sad all around. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Missy Love said: He recently told me he feels numb, but he’s willing to hold on and keep trying, so in some ways, I think he will be relieved. Agree. Just be straight up about that, especially if he 'feels numb". Even though families know about you two, it's better to walk away gracefully than make the biggest mistake of your life marrying the wrong person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted March 21, 2022 Author Share Posted March 21, 2022 He feels that we have potential if we keep working at it. However, I realize that I am not happy because what he is giving just isn't what I need or want in a partnership, and I just want to spend time by myself. He wants to keep trying, but it also feels that he is numb and apathetic to the relationship, and so neither of us are ultimately happy nor getting what we want, and it's not a healthy relationship. Moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Missy Love said: He feels that we have potential if we keep working at it. However, I realize that I am not happy because what he is giving just isn't what I need or want in a partnership, and I just want to spend time by myself. He wants to keep trying, but it also feels that he is numb and apathetic to the relationship, and so neither of us are ultimately happy nor getting what we want, and it's not a healthy relationship. Moving on. No, this is not a healthy relationship if both of you are feeling unhappy and numb. I appreciate the fact that you are both committed to each other, trying to work it out… but relationships, especially “young” relationships, really shouldn’t be this hard. If you few this way now, imagine how you will feel when there are bills to pay, on of you becomes ill or disabled, you are raising children, etc… Time to end it now before you become even more invested. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 21, 2022 Share Posted March 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Missy Love said: He feels that we have potential if we keep working at it. However, I realize that I am not happy because what he is giving just isn't what I need or want in a partnership, and I just want to spend time by myself. Why haven't you told him this. Do you think this is fair to him? Let him go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missy Love Posted March 21, 2022 Author Share Posted March 21, 2022 Yes, and he wants to keep trying, but he's also tired of trying and me not being happy, which is why he feels numb. I recognize it's an unhealthy cycle, so I think we are both in agreement that it is no longer working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 23, 2022 Share Posted March 23, 2022 You're not going to feel the true relief of this being over until it's finally over and you can refocus. If he's tired of trying he has the ability to stop or at least pause instead of hitting his head against a brick wall repeatedly, so to speak. Try not to get sucked into the guilty phase of ending a relationship. It happens but let go of that and keep telling yourself it has to end regardless of who does it. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 On 3/20/2022 at 9:02 PM, basil67 said: @Missy Love you can end a relationship any time you want for any reason. That he's making an effort now doesn't mean that you have to give another chance or stick around to see how it works out. It's absolutely acceptable to say "I know you're trying and I thank you for that. However, I'm just not feeling it and it's best if I move on" OP, this would hurt your partner a lot less than if they find out you cheated on them 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 On 3/21/2022 at 7:54 PM, Missy Love said: Yes, and he wants to keep trying, but he's also tired of trying and me not being happy, which is why he feels numb. I recognize it's an unhealthy cycle, so I think we are both in agreement that it is no longer working. Yes we know this but you have checked out. Regardless of what he wants why haven't you told him you are not happy and the marriage is no longer working for you? Link to post Share on other sites
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