How long till you found love again

[Scott S]

In my case, I'd been "emotionally" divorced for a long time- does that make sense??

Yes it does make sense.

 

Having no feelings for the other person for some time. The love is gone, & has been. So when the family court judge signs the decree, it is but a formality.

 

With the new person, though, it's different. There ARE feelings. Strong, exciting feelings.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, there were. Yet for a long time I didn't want to let go of what I had before because I was always hanging on hoping he'd wake up, see what he had, and make a committment to the marriage. Sadly, he never did.

 

You know, my inlaws met after my father in law was divorced from his first wife. They both ran around on each other and my father in law was a "scoundrel" in his own words. She had to hide the fact they were getting married from her dad- he had a PI on my FIL's trail and didn't like what he found out. My mother in law made it clear to him that she wouldn't put up with any type of foolishness early on in their marriage.

 

She's 63, he's 75 and they've been married 40 years in December.

 

Her brother? He was married the first time for a good while and his wife died from throat cancer. He remarried and the second one took him for a ride. He met his third wife and they've been married for 15 years and it appears to be forever.

 

You just never know. My kid's dr? He met his wife for 30 minutes before the ceremony. He's from India and his father arranged the marriage. They've been married 35 years. Blissfully!

[Scott S]

Yes, there were. Yet for a long time I didn't want to let go of what I had before because I was always hanging on hoping he'd wake up, see what he had, and make a committment to the marriage. Sadly, he never did.

 

I see.

 

So for you, there were still feelings. Apparently your ex-h did not share the feelings, then?

[Mz. Pixie]

He said he shared the feelings, yet he never put them into action. For instance, "Yeah, honey I love you but I'm going to be gone for 40 out of 52 weekends every year pursuing whatever hobby is on my mind at that time. You'll run all the errands, keep the house, pay all the bills, take care of the kids. Then, when I decide to breeze home every now and then you'll be sure to fufill my sexual needs". He thought all he had to do was TELL me that he loved me and all of that, rather than show me.

[Scott S]

He said he shared the feelings, yet he never put them into action.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Apparently he never realized that a relationship needs to be tended & nurtured, or it usually will die.

 

I certainly hope your present husband is more attentive.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, he is Scott but sometimes I still feel horribly guilty for leaving my first husband. Even though I know it was the best thing for me.........wierd huh?

[Trimmer]

Mz P. - not wierd. Sounds like you are a human being with feelings and empathy. No, not wierd...

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I am- but everytime I try to be nice to my exhusband he turns it around on me or acts ugly so I've given up.

[glebanon]

You left what do you expect! Did you try or just bolt? My wife droped the bomb Easter and was out June 1st with no attempt to reconnect with me.

Just not fair! Wed Aniversary in two weeks "2nd year" and does not want to see me because it will hurt too much.. WTF>>

[scobro]

You left what do you expect! Did you try or just bolt? My wife droped the bomb Easter and was out June 1st with no attempt to reconnect with me.

Just not fair! Wed Aniversary in two weeks "2nd year" and does not want to see me because it will hurt too much.. WTF>>

 

Glebanon

why did yourwife leave you what happened?.My wife also split after two years with no warning, nothing, we were trying to have a baby at the time even, so I had no idea she was unhappy with us..

[glebanon]

Started getting depressed in Jan, Feb said she did not want kids, I suggested a councilor in March to get her out of her depressed state but when she returned she said we both needed to go. I went and councilor with her C told her the marriage was no good and were not ment too be together.. After 1hr! Amazing.. Stopped comming home on Fridays "partying with new work friends that were D or getting one. So last week I need a temp check with us and she said that we have no chance and will be getting Legal seperation.

[scobro]

Started getting depressed in Jan, Feb said she did not want kids, I suggested a councilor in March to get her out of her depressed state but when she returned she said we both needed to go. I went and councilor with her C told her the marriage was no good and were not ment too be together.. After 1hr! Amazing.. Stopped comming home on Fridays "partying with new work friends that were D or getting one. So last week I need a temp check with us and she said that we have no chance and will be getting Legal seperation.

 

Amazing how people are similar.My wife same thing didn't want counseling, started partying and she met some guy at a bar with her friend 2 weeks after she ended things, caught her on the phone with him, now they are seeing each other. Unbelievable how you can just detach from one person and literally jump to the next one.Oh well she isn't walking off into the sunset happily ever after, she has done this before 3rd marriage last marriage lasted 10 months because she had an affair, she just cannot be alone she needs to fill her empty void.I realize I am way better off,it hurts bad but I will become a better person in the end and she will just be jumping from guy to guy.

We sign our separation papers next week.

Sorry about your situation,isn't it amazing how she parties now with divorced people or people who are un-happy in their relationships.The best thing is work on yourself you will grow as a better person because of this and will ultimately find someone who is better suited for you.

[debilou]

Are you in counseling? Maybe that would be a good start for you to regain some insight about happiness. You are grieving, that's normal. I haven't read any of your other posts so forgive me if I'm redundent.

 

Have you done any self help reading? The first line in the book "The Road Less Traveled" is: Life is difficult. That in itself was profound for me. I was happily (I thought) married for 18 years. He wasn't. My life has been ripped to shredds for about 14 months.

 

I am in counseling. The counselor suggests that I don't date until the D is final. Most days I agree with that. Sometimes I think it would take my mind off of him and what went wrong.

 

I'm 42. I'm pretty sure I'll never marry again. That doesn't make me sad. It's kinda empowering. I lived on my own before I was married. Thank God!

 

I can relate to your getting ahead of yourself about being married again. The counselor has to pull me back to "now". He says instead of getting you ready to be divorced we need to get you ready to get the divorce. The negotiations and all. My stbxh completely dominates me.

 

Sorry for the rambling, I can say all the stuff I'm feeling and never feel judged by you guys.

 

I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

Debilou

[glebanon]

Sad situation also. How long are you married? How long were you together? We have been together for 8yrs, both have careers, no money issues, new house, vacation two time per year. My wife just turned 30 so I think she is holding on to her youth. So confused but starting to detach..

[smile95]

I know this is not the topic, but all of you who are divorced.....how do you deal with memories??I am struggling. I was in an emotioanlly abusive relationship, but still loved him and had good times....how do I know I will ever have fun with anyone else again?????

[scobro]

I know this is not the topic, but all of you who are divorced.....how do you deal with memories??I am struggling. I was in an emotioanlly abusive relationship, but still loved him and had good times....how do I know I will ever have fun with anyone else again?????

 

You don't know but I can guarantee you wont if you let this guy keep controling you emotionally.Only you can control how you feel.So you can either think about all the great times you had all the time and be miserable or you can think yes there was good times but now it's over and time to start new good times with yourself ,once that happens love will find you and good times with someone else will occupy your mind.It's never easy but just realize that you can control how you feel about your previous relationship and what most people tend to do is think about there ex in admiration and all the good times you had but think about all the bad times as well and start to put things in perspective if it was all good times for you guys you would not have ended it.............Right?make sense? good luck it will get better.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, I did leave but only after many many years of trying to fix the marriage. There are tons of my posts out there Glen.

 

You guys should google "Walk away wife syndrome" and "Why women leave men"

 

It will tell you alot about what I went through.

[dgiirl]

Yeah, I am- but everytime I try to be nice to my exhusband he turns it around on me or acts ugly so I've given up.

 

Mz. Pixie, when he's doing that, he's still hurting. I've mentioned this once before but anything you do is going to upset him, because anything my ex does upsets me. BUT in time, I'm starting to get over it, and I hope your ex will too, because you guys have kids right? Just keep being yourself. If you live up to your own ethical code for your life, then your doing everything you should. I dont know how long you guys have been divorced, but just give him time and respect his space (i'm sure you already do this). Let him grieve. Let him think nasty things. It helps him release the anger he has about the whole situation. And it really doesnt reflect you at all. It's just part of his healing process. But if he disrespects you, that doesnt mean you have to sit there and take it in. Just tell him you guys are getting off topic or leave. Keep things business like. That's what my ex is doing. I'm finding it really hard to keep things amicable. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. When I'm hurt, I really dont want anything good to happen to him. But that's not really true. It's all about my own anger and doesnt really have anything to do with him. It could be anybody else who hurt me, and I'd still feel the same.

 

I wonder tho. If you had feelings for your exh, why didnt you go back? Did he not come after you? What could he have done that would have made you change your mind? As the one who was left, it's very hard for me to know what to do. I've done EVERYthing in my power. I just do not know what to do and so I'm not going to keep groveling for him to come back. As the one who was left, my self esteem got destroyed, and I keep hitting my head against a brick wall. And I wonder if he's scared to come back because some pride thing. I know a lot of things he does is out of guilt. But where is that line where who should take the first step?

 

 

 

I know this is not the topic, but all of you who are divorced.....how do you deal with memories??I am struggling. I was in an emotioanlly abusive relationship, but still loved him and had good times....how do I know I will ever have fun with anyone else again?????

 

You have to make an effort to STOP thinking about it. You make an effort to start to think about other goals in life. You get up every day and look around for positive things to embrace. And slowly, over time, you build other happy memories. You learn to be happy ALONE. And although it's extremely scary, once you get over the fear, it's empowering. You learn that the worst case scenario is you can be happy alone and wont die. Once you can accept that's the WORST case scenario, then you have faith that it wont be the only scenario. You start to meet interesting ppl and move on. But you have to make an effort to stop thinking about him and move on. You are the one in control of your happiness. If you dont want to be happy, that is YOUR choice.

[smile95]

thanks....I finally feel like "me" again and have been laughing again, but I have those random days where I feel like I want to contact him-eventho I know it would do no good.

 

I know I can live without him, but it kills me that I have to siince we were so in love. But, I know in the long run, I would not be happy with him-ever. He is a narcissist and very selfish.

 

thanks! I will keep on moving along!

[Mz. Pixie]

"I wonder tho. If you had feelings for your exh, why didnt you go back? Did he not come after you? What could he have done that would have made you change your mind?"

 

When I first told him he had about a five percent chance of making the marriage work. The reason I didn't go back is that he wouldn't have changed, sadly. He had promised too many times that he would and didn't. Here I had even told him I would have an affair or leave him and he made no effort- he didn't have "time" to work on the marriage. So, when I did cheat, I was ashamed and didn't want him to find out. Actually my therapist told me not to tell him because other people would be hurt by the disclosure- and I wasn't leaving him for the other guy- that had been over. He wouldn't leave the house and told me if I left it would be without my kids. He was in my face crying 24/7- locked me in a bedroom until I would have conversation with him until 2 am almost every night when I would cry and beg him to let me go to sleep. He called me 15- 20 times a day insisting on knowing my whereabouts and basically pushed me to make a decision. I just wanted him to stay at his parents for a couple of nights to let me clear my head.

 

Everyday he pushed and said, "Is it over- are you staying?" and I'd say "I want to try but don't push me". He just wouldn't back off. He called all my friends and his family and told them things about me and turned everyone against me. When I moved I had to have co workers help me because no one else would.

 

He never in my mind made a real attempt to show me that he had changed or to reconcile with me. It's a good thing I didn't believe him when he said he would change because you know what? He hasn't. He treats his new gf the same way he treated me for all those years.

 

Truly, it would have been extremely hard for me to ever regain the feelings that I once had for him if I would have stayed. It would have taken years and he just thought it should happen overnight. I just HAD to give him an answer he thought. Even though he had neglected me for years and years I had to make an attempt in a week to fix things.

 

I still care for him as a person though I'm not in love with him. I hate it that I was sooo emotionally broke at that point that I did what I did and I'll probably always regret hurting him and what my kids have went through. It's hard because even though I feel bad, I'm happier with my new guy that I've ever been.

 

The whole thing just hurts. Probably always will.

[dgiirl]

thanks....I finally feel like "me" again and have been laughing again, but I have those random days where I feel like I want to contact him-eventho I know it would do no good.

 

I know I can live without him, but it kills me that I have to siince we were so in love. But, I know in the long run, I would not be happy with him-ever. He is a narcissist and very selfish.

 

thanks! I will keep on moving along!

 

It's like a drug. It's definitely not easy. I still have my down days too. Especially the longer we're out of contact. Right now I still have limited contact with my ex. We normally go for 12-15 days without speaking (i'm documenting our contacts). This has been going on for 8 months. But the only reason we're talking is because of legalities. Who knows how things will be once everything's final. But yes, my life is BETTER without my ex because I dont need to hear his critizims about me. I get to choose what i want out of life and I'm responsible for my happiness. It's scary and empowering. It just takes time. Time and effort. You'll get through it Beth. Just implement no contact. You dont need to talk to him. He has nothing to offer you and you deserve more. Turn it around and make it YOUR choice not to see him again.

[Trimmer]

Only you can control how you feel.... time to start new good times with yourself ,once that happens love will find you....

 

You learn to be happy ALONE. And although it's extremely scary, once you get over the fear, it's empowering. You learn that the worst case scenario is you can be happy alone and wont die. Once you can accept that's the WORST case scenario, then you have faith that it wont be the only scenario.

 

Wisdom, wisdom, wisdom.....

 

I think this is so important, and so fundamental to recovery from a departing spouse, but it can be hard to shift your perspective. At first, through my devastation, I started out mourning that "I got happiness and strength and life from my wife, and I'm losing that", but now that I've gotten stronger and worked things out a little bit, I look at it this way: "I shared my life, my strength, and my happiness with my wife but they were mine to start with." My life, strength, and my happiness (and fun!) will go on. Wow, empowering is indeed the word...

 

So recovery includes either reclaiming the sense of life, worth and happiness that you had as an individual, or for some people, perhaps finding those things and really claiming them for ourselves as individuals for the first time in our lives. Your life is worthy, it is meaningful, you can and will be happy without the context of a relationship. And the more confident you become of that, the more you will be open to a relationship that can truly and intimately complement your life, instead of just fill a hole. A good kind of relationship, instead of a pathological one.

 

Beth - I've read some, but not all of your posts - are you doing any counseling? Guiding you towards your strength and sense of worth is like Counseling 101...

 

 

Mz Pixie - yeah, he's probably still pissed. Since my wife left, I have had a lot of anger that I didn't really recognize or express at first. My counselor started to see this and managed to get me to see it and start to express it to her. Her mantra is "if it's in there, it's going to come out somehow..." And indeed, before, I would subconsciously take any opportunity to turn a comment into a snarky double-entendre to try to get my licks in. On one hand, I kind of felt like I deserved to do it, but once I saw the anger I was bleeding all over the place, I realized that it was destructively counter to my #1 goal, which is to maintain a cordial and respectful co-parent relationship for our kids.

 

Now, since I have started to barf it all out on my counselor, I have been able to have this much more peaceful, cordial, businesslike (without necessarily having to be cold) relationship with my stbxw, and I think I'm also gradually achieving a little more emotional distance and detachment, in a healthy way...

 

I don't know that any of that will be of any help to you in your situation, and please don't take it as if I'm making any kind of excuse for his attitude. In my case, I feel like my attitude was having destructive effects, and I'm lucky that I recognized my anger - which is still admittedly there - and am now able to deal with it "safely" and keep it from taking me down the wrong road... In your case, you don't have control over whether or how he deals with his anger, so I don't know what else to tell you, other than perhaps to illuminate the situation.

[Mz. Pixie]

Eh- it's okay Trimmer. I think I'm still healing too. It's like he suddenly thinks I'm just a horrible person instead of someone he was with for a long time, just because we couldn't work it out. I was just kinda venting and answering Dgirl. Yesterday was a really bad day for me and I'm still feeling the effects I guess.

[dgiirl]

He never in my mind made a real attempt to show me that he had changed or to reconcile with me. It's a good thing I didn't believe him when he said he would change because you know what? He hasn't. He treats his new gf the same way he treated me for all those years.

 

I dont think people really do change. It takes a lot of personal growth and communication, and it's really hard work. But in the end, we all have our unique ways of interacting with the world and as time goes on the things we loved about our spouses end up being the things we hate about them.

 

I still care for him as a person though I'm not in love with him. I hate it that I was sooo emotionally broke at that point that I did what I did and I'll probably always regret hurting him and what my kids have went through. It's hard because even though I feel bad, I'm happier with my new guy that I've ever been.

 

The whole thing just hurts. Probably always will.

 

Yah, unfortunately, it probably will. It will always be a sore spot until you can forgive yourself completely. Even tho I still have a lot of anger towards my exh, I have tried to offer him support. Sometimes I wish I didnt, because I want him to hurt. But I have told him what Dr. Phil says "You did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better, you did better". The whole situation is very complex. I dont even know what to believe anymore. Sometimes I blame him for everything. Sometimes I blame myself for everything. I dont know what the truth is anymore. I see that somehow, I lost myself in this relationship. Somehow I lost my own judgement and replaced it with his, and in the process, that destroyed my self esteem. But I let that all happen. Your ex has to take part of the blame. He's not doing that. He's still hurt. I'm not surprised he's treating his gf the same way as he did you. He hasnt worked through the hurt. And until he does, he's doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. You seem to have learned from your mistakes. Take pride in that. Your kids will learn from you and see that you have enough self respect to handle the tough situations. To do what needs to be done.

[stilllovingGord]

I hear you people in your 20s worried about finding someone ...what about us in our 40 and up...but I do believe its hard no matter what your age but you have to keep trying so do I even if it means alot of meaningless relationships til you find the right one and I am hoping there is for everyone:confused: