Now what?

[GazTom]

Partner of 20 years split up with me in December.?I’m 46 she’s 39. Relationship had gone stale and it crept up on us. Faults both sides but essentially I invested too much into her making me happy and that was a bad move I know. She started a new job, new friends and boom she’s obviously seen a better life either in her own or pointed out by others.

Anyway, been occasionally chatting since breakup when I go get my things (a lot after 20 years) Text instigated by me but got a response. Then I text to ask to take our dog to the pub a couple of weeks ago  and she was more than welcome. Never thought she would but she did and we had a nice night, got talking to another couple and it was just nice. She said she really enjoyed it and we could do it again. Even got takeaway at the end although I didn’t go in to eat it, n just said good night and went back to mine.

Two weeks later nothing, maybe she had too good a time and it surprised her.  Dressed well and was impeccable if I do say so myself lol.

But, I m not instigating texting again, it’s needy. I know she’s been struggling with dealing with breakup as have I. But now she’s pulled away and I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to chase or not. I just don’t want my work on myself to come undone by giving in and texting. I know if people are meant to be together it’ll happen but I’m confused. I’ll still need to see her again soon as I have a lot of stuff left behind. I just don’t know how to react with her after the last time we spent together was really nice if a little awkward understandably. Helped massively having our dog and another couple there. They assumed we were together and said how lovely we looked together. My ex even called me darling unknowingly (I think) and I was taken aback.

ah, got to go to work, pleased I found this place, it helps dilute the pain!

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GazTom said:

 I text to ask to take our dog to the pub a couple of weeks ago  and she was more than welcome. 

Sorry this happened. Do either of you have kids? Why did you break up?

Ask if you can have the dog. Try not to drown your sorrows.

Sadly moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it.

It's odd you're going on dates. What was the breakup about?

[GazTom]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Do either of you have kids? Why did you break up?

Ask if you can have the dog. Try not to drown your sorrows.

Sadly moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it.

It's odd you're going on dates. What was the breakup about?

She just said she didn’t 'love me in that way anymore’ We’d not been intimate in quite a while and I had to deal with my elderly father who had to stay with us during house move. I guess it was too much, and whilst it probably would have happened, the break up was certainly sped up by my fathers intrusion.

Originally she said I could stay until I found a place but then I saw she’d contacted my old friend so that was that. I’m not assuming it was intimate and she may have been reaching out for male support, but that was a kicker.

neither of us saw two weeks ago as a date but I have no idea what she’s thinking anymore. She seems very confused. 

[GazTom]

No kids and not married  - maybe that was the problem, our relationship hadn’t advanced enough

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, GazTom said:

the break up was certainly sped up by my fathers intrusion.

Originally she said I could stay until I found a place 

Ok. Sorry it fell apart, but the lack of sex/intimacy combined with the father moving in may have been the tipping point.

Don't try to get her back, date or be friends. Set yourself free.

[GazTom]

Yeah it’s a shame, I still love her and she’s firing off mixed signals coming out with me. At the time she said she wanted her own identity and not be known as such and such. I guess it were meant to be, we’ll find a path back down in the future. Just mixed signals coming out from her I guess.

Edited March 18, 2022 by GazTom

[glows]

9 minutes ago, GazTom said:

Yeah it’s a shame, I still love her and she’s firing off mixed signals coming out with me. At the time she said she wanted her own identity and not be known as such and such. I guess it were meant to be, we’ll find a path back down in the future. Just mixed signals coming out from her I guess.

I see someone who is able to put aside any resentment and is able to enjoy a day with you civilly but there is no repairing this. I don’t see mixed signals. She’s fond of you but not in love with you. 

Have you moved out? Where is your elderly father? 

[GazTom]

I moved out yes in December, got my own place. Fathers got his own place now. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, GazTom said:

I moved out yes in December, got my own place. Fathers got his own place now. 

That’s very good. Keep your distance and carry on with life. Stay busy. Care for yourself, your father, meet new people. 

If she reaches out to you think before responding. Do you really need her in your life? You both had a good run. Don’t be confused anymore. Live a life free of confusion. 

[Goodguy05]

Your story sounded similar to my separation and then eventual divorce. It doesn't look good she's just hot and cold. Ex moved out new friends same thing she changed. A few months after moving out she came back then went hot and cold didn't move back though. Then called it off then didn't hear from her for about 6weeks just started a new relationship and she pops back completely confuses me and I sabotaged the current girl and tried again and she just started going hot and cold again when I was texting and then ended it and divorce. 

[Happy Lemming]

Try to get ALL of your stuff in one last visit.  If you have to rent a truck, do that.  Don't let this whole "getting my stuff" drag on and on.  If you can, take a friend to help you box up and load your stuff.  Don't go there alone. 

Once you have all of your stuff, block her number and go "no contact".

The quicker you close this chapter of your life, the quicker you will heal and move on.

[GazTom]

4 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Try to get ALL of your stuff in one last visit.  If you have to rent a truck, do that.  Don't let this whole "getting my stuff" drag on and on.  If you can, take a friend to help you box up and load your stuff.  Don't go there alone. 

Once you have all of your stuff, block her number and go "no contact".

The quicker you close this chapter of your life, the quicker you will heal and move on.

She knows I have to go back so hey, she’s no need to contact me has she.

your right though, this last three weeks I’ve felt less anxious. And I know once I see her again, it’s going to come back and I’ll start feeling that again.

I had no idea how much this has affected my concentration and focus. Cost me my job I was training on as I couldn’t retain the information. I’ll find something else, but I just didn’t realise the trauma involved. It really is like mourning the death of someone who’s still alive.

Unfortunately even if I wanted her back, I don’t think I can forget she contacted my ex mate. I’m worth more than that, and I’m realising that day by day.

 

[glows]

5 hours ago, GazTom said:

She knows I have to go back so hey, she’s no need to contact me has she.

your right though, this last three weeks I’ve felt less anxious. And I know once I see her again, it’s going to come back and I’ll start feeling that again.

I had no idea how much this has affected my concentration and focus. Cost me my job I was training on as I couldn’t retain the information. I’ll find something else, but I just didn’t realise the trauma involved. It really is like mourning the death of someone who’s still alive.

Unfortunately even if I wanted her back, I don’t think I can forget she contacted my ex mate. I’m worth more than that, and I’m realising that day by day.

 

It’s difficult to believe but it does get better with time. Hang in there.

[GazTom]

So I collected the last of my stuff, had a laugh with each other, got her a plaster for her finger - and then I told her it’s going to be the last time she’s likely to see me again. She was upset and said even if it was ten years time to please contact her. All of a sudden she’s had the feeling of rejection and it hurts.

I am not sitting on the sidelines while she goes to find herself/deal with a midlife crisis. She has no willingness to get back together but she wants me around. No. 
 

 Asked her what she wanted in life, marriage,kids,job,etc - she said she doesn’t know what she wants. And there lies the issue. She needs to go find herself and maybe someday we’ll see each other again. 

Edited April 13, 2022 by GazTom

[glows]

40 minutes ago, GazTom said:

So I collected the last of my stuff, had a laugh with each other, got her a plaster for her finger - and then I told her it’s going to be the last time she’s likely to see me again. She was upset and said even if it was ten years time to please contact her. All of a sudden she’s had the feeling of rejection and it hurts.

I am not sitting on the sidelines while she goes to find herself/deal with a midlife crisis. She has no willingness to get back together but she wants me around. No. 
 

 Asked her what she wanted in life, marriage,kids,job,etc - she said she doesn’t know what she wants. And there lies the issue. She needs to go find herself and maybe someday we’ll see each other again. 

Avoid saying things like that towards the end. It eggs the other person on if they take the bait. I’m referring to “it’s going to be the last time she’s likely to see me again”. You’re pushing for more attention and for her to fight for the relationship when you know it’s over.

Good for you for realizing you deserve more. Stop responding to her and meeting with her. Mute any messages that come through so you’re not tempted or bothered either.