whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 Hi everyone it’s my first every post here my wife and I are getting a divorce it’s only been 2 months but she met someone and is going to visit him overseas, she says she does not love me anymore after our 6 year relationship I was not the perfect husband but I loved her greatly wanted the best for her my question is how does one meet someone after a month or 2 day they love them and going to visit them? is it limerence? Maybe she is trying to replace me quick so she won’t be alone ? It’s not possible to lose feelings that quick I’m confused any advice or guidance please thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 What are the reasons for divorce? Resentment can run deep and she may have checked out a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, whatislovehuh said: my wife and I are getting a divorce it’s only been 2 months but she met someone and is going to visit him overseas Sorry this is happening. Are you still living together? What do you mean by "not the perfect husband"? It doesn't matter whatever "limerence" is, if she filed divorce papers. It's over whether someone else is in the picture or not. Get a very good attorney. Are kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 11 minutes ago, glows said: What are the reasons for divorce? Resentment can run deep and she may have checked out a long time ago. Hi good day, not understanding her needs pretty much I was to attached or needy I tried to be the perfect husband but I approached that goal in the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 15 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: Hi good day, not understanding her needs pretty much I was to attached or needy I tried to be the perfect husband but I approached that goal in the wrong way. Do you mean you were controlling? The destructive and abusive side of “needy” is controlling. Do you have a lawyer? Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 35 minutes ago, glows said: Do you mean you were controlling? The destructive and abusive side of “needy” is controlling. Do you have a lawyer? In a sense I was controlling I never really realized it I thought I was coming from a good place to show her she was wanted and that I adored her Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 53 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: Hi good day, not understanding her needs pretty much I was to attached or needy I tried to be the perfect husband but I approached that goal in the wrong way. Even if you were too attached and needy that still wasn't an excuse for her to cheat on you. It isn't limerance that making her cheat it 's desire for the other man. Let her go as you won't be able to get her back. You're better off without a cheater in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 11 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: In a sense I was controlling I never really realized it I thought I was coming from a good place to show her she was wanted and that I adored her The relationship is over. She has long checked out if her heart wasn’t in this. Are you both separated? If you’re separated or divorcing you’re finished and living separate lives. She can do what she pleases but do take care of your mental health and seek counselling if you need support. Do not keep looking at the ex spouse for emotional support. Accept the marriage is over and divert your attention elsewhere. Her private life or new romance is really none of your business. Stay busy and productive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 2 hours ago, whatislovehuh said: It’s not possible to lose feelings that quick I’m confused any advice or guidance please thank you. She's been checked out for a while due to reasons you are well aware of. In fact divorce papers are the end result of that, not the first step. She is not cheating if you are separated/divorcing. Were they talking before the papers were served? Who knows? Do you still live together? Focus on whatever your attorney and therapist suggest as far as the legal/financial practicalities and emotional support through your divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) Just going to do some gender stereotyping here but... When a woman breaks up with a man (particularly in divorce), she's been breaking up with him and mourning the loss of the relationship for a long time before actually ending things by breaking up or divorcing him. The actual act of saying she wants a divorce is just one of the last steps in her process emotionally, not the start. It's really just informing him at the conclusion of her emotional process. For men it is the complete opposite. The act of telling the woman he is breaking up with her or divorcing her is the start of his emotional process. So much so that, metaphorically speaking, she knows before he even Knows Knows. If that makes sense. So that's a long way of saying, while it may seem so quick to you, this has been a long time coming for her. Best of luck. Mrin Edited March 18, 2022 by Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 7 minutes ago, Mrin said: Just going to do some gender stereotyping here but... When a woman breaks up with a man (particularly in divorce), she's been breaking up with him and mourning the loss of the relationship for a long time before actually ending things by breaking up or divorcing him. The actual act of saying she wants a divorce is just one of the last steps in her process emotionally, not the start. It's really just informing him at the conclusion of her emotional process. For men it is the complete opposite. The act of telling the woman he is breaking up with her or divorcing her is the start of his emotional process. So much so that, metaphorically speaking, she knows before he even Knows Knows. If that makes sense. So that's a long way of saying, while it may seem so quick to you, this has been a long time coming for her. Best of luck. Mrin That’s a great point but we were good for the last couple of months and then one incident happened then it just exploded into this. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 3 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: and then one incident happened then it just exploded into this. It must have been a major incident, no? You were good for "a couple of months"? How was it before and most of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 Just now, whatislovehuh said: That’s a great point but we were good for the last couple of months and then one incident happened then it just exploded into this. So... That's actually a pretty common thing to hear. Let me reframe that and try it on and see if perhaps this feels right. Things seemed good to you because you were getting along. Not disagreeing. The marriage felt smooth to you. Right? To her she was already in the process of distancing herself emotionally from you. So she was no longer disagreeing or arguing because she just didn't care anymore about the future of the marriage. She stopped "fighting for it" in her heart and just went with the flow as she worked through her process. It's sort of like a business. When an employee or coworker stops complaining about something at work, that's often not a good sign. We only complain about the things we care about. Or try it on personally from a business context. Imagine you have decided to find a new job. You are actively interviewing and negotiating with your new employer. How would you show up at your current job? Let's say they want to put you in a smaller office. Would you throw a fit? Or would you just say "okay" and in your mind say "I'm going to be out of here shortly anyhow so who cares"? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I'm a woman and to me it seems this is a guy she has been having an emotional affair with for sometime. She was probably in love with him before she broke up with you. Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 They just met here is a update I’m sorry she just stopped by told me she was saying that she is just going overseas to make me upset but that she does not feel anything, she cried hugged me said I ruined the marriage that I’m still her best friend what is missing here ? Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 51 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm a woman and to me it seems this is a guy she has been having an emotional affair with for sometime. She was probably in love with him before she broke up with you. They just met 2 months ago he lives overseas but I just updated as well the situation Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: she cried hugged me said I ruined the marriage that I’m still her best friend what is missing here ? Certainly this latest incident was what she meant, no? You're not missing anything. Whatever happened was a deal-breaker, but you already know that. Edited March 18, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Certainly this latest incident was what she meant, no? You're not missing anything. Whatever happened was a deal-breaker, but you already know that. I’m sorry this just happened I mean sorry for not being clear it just happened moments ago I got the feeling that she is scared possibly to walk back into the same situation or is this my hope She comes back? Thank you for your input! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 35 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: I got the feeling that she is scared possibly to walk back into the same situation What situation is that? Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What situation is that? The relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, whatislovehuh said: told me she was saying that she is just going overseas to make me upset but that she does not feel anything, she cried hugged me said I ruined the marriage that I’m still her best friend what is missing here ? She is confused, or inconsiderate of your feelings, or is friendzoning you so she won't be lonely, or may trying to keep you around back-burnered in case the new guy doesn't work out. Suggest you don't let her turn you into an orbiter, that just keeps you in distress. If she divorced you, you need to move on. After 2 months, this sounds like a rebound. She MAY be jumping to a new relationship before she's ready, she MAY be idealizing an unavailable partner in a LDR, their R MAY end quickly as so many do, or it MAY last their lifetimes. Probably won't, but stranger things have certainly happened. However, the bottom line is that none of this is really your business anymore. Why window shop for emotional pain? Let her move on - and YOU do the same. For whatever reason, this (probable "mistake") is what is meeting her emotional needs right now. That's all you really need to know. Accept it, process the end of your prior R with her, and when you feel emotionally ready move on... Edited March 18, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
whatislovehuh Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: She is confused, or inconsiderate of your feelings, or is friendzoning you so she won't be lonely, or may trying to keep you around back-burnered in case the new guy doesn't work out. Suggest you don't let her turn you into an orbiter, that just keeps you in distress. If she divorced you, you need to move on. After 2 months, this sounds like a rebound. She MAY be jumping to a new relationship before she's ready, she MAY be idealizing an unavailable partner in a LDR, their R MAY end quickly as so many do, or it MAY last their lifetimes. Probably won't, but stranger things have certainly happened. However, the bottom line is that none of this is really your business anymore. Why window shop for emotional pain? Let her move on - and YOU do the same. For whatever reason, this (probable "mistake") is what is meeting her emotional needs right now. That's all you really need to know. Accept it, process the end of your prior R with her, and when you feel emotionally ready move on... I understand thank you, the guy is overseas she just told me she’s going to see him to hurt me when she wasn’t she cried said she hated me then hugged me that her whole life was ahead of her with me and I ruined it. She even said he’s overseas what can he really do for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 9 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: that her whole life was ahead of her with me and I ruined it. How, exactly, did you "ruin it"? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, whatislovehuh said: I understand thank you, the guy is overseas she just told me she’s going to see him to hurt me when she wasn’t she cried said she hated me then hugged me that her whole life was ahead of her with me and I ruined it. She even said he’s overseas what can he really do for me. This is weird - while we are only hearing one side of the story (yours), she sounds like a mess and/or is "generating drama". "Simple" isn't always the same as "easy", particularly when it comes to break-ups, but the simple thing to do here is let her go. Edited March 18, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I don’t see why she would come back or why you’d ever want to see her again. The dynamic is seriously dysfunctional. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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