How long would you date before in 40-50 before living together

[Annama]

If you are between 40- 50 how long would you date before living together?

Would spending weekends be sufficient after 3 ,5 years together?

Perhaps 2-3 phone calls a week?

Yes, this was me and it was not enough. We got closer during the weekend and quite distant during the week. For him this must have been good as never said a word. 

 

Please share your thoughts 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. There's no set formula , of course, but if you felt things were going nowhere and weren't happy. moving in would be a mistake.

Is this the same man?:

 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Annama said:

If you are between 40- 50 how long would you date before living together?

Would spending weekends be sufficient after 3 ,5 years together?

Perhaps 2-3 phone calls a week?

Yes, this was me and it was not enough. We got closer during the weekend and quite distant during the week. For him this must have been good as never said a word. 

 

Please share your thoughts 

 

I would be happy not living with anyone for another 50 years.

[FMW]

My thoughts -

I'm older, 57.  My guy (58) and I have been together a few years.  We have no plans to live together, ever.

We own our own homes and have keys to the other's.  Some weeks we may only spend three days/nights together, depending on what's going on with our jobs and other obligations.  We both have pretty busy schedules.  Our time together includes both weekdays and weekends, so that makes a difference.  Most of the time we aren't apart more than two days at a time.  He's not big on texting or calling, so unless we haven't seen each other for a few days or unless there's something important to discuss, we don't always have contact on the days we're not together.  

The thing is that it works for BOTH of us.  Not being together all the time doesn't lessen our love or commitment, and we are both comfortable with that.  Being a little older might make a difference, although my 65 year old friend gave her boyfriend an ultimatum to get him to move in with her, so obviously even though she's older, she wanted him around full time. 

I can understand his point of work consuming a lot of his time, and I also understand the idea that sometimes he needs to take a break with his guy friends.  The problem is that the amount of time he's willing/able to spend with you does NOT work for you, and there's nothing wrong about you feeling that way.  If he's not willing to occasionally compromise on that issue, it's not fair to you to always be the one settling.  If you've discussed the issue and nothing has changed, your options are either to be the one making all the compromises (at least on this issue), or to leave and be free to find someone who wants to give you the time together you desire.  

I would weigh all the other factors of the relationship in making a decision, unless of course this particular issue is non-negotiable for you.  There is no right or wrong answer, only what works (or doesn't) for you. 

If the thread Wiseman2 referenced is about the same guy, then it seems this was only a part of the issues.  That relationship sounded like it needed to be over, for the reasons provided by those who posted responses to that thread.

[stillafool]

I think it just depends on the people in the relationship.  Some people need constant contact with their SO and others not so much because of their schedules and desires.  I think the most important thing is to be compatible as to which of those you want.  One person wanting more time while the other one doesn't isn't going to work.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm 56 years old, my girlfriend moved into my home about 6 months ago.  We had been dating approximately 9.5 years prior to her moving in. 

Neither of us really wanted to live together, but my girlfriend got priced out of the rental market.  There really was nothing available in her price range, so her choice was move in with me or live in her car.

Neither of us have lived with another person in over 25 years, so it has been a HUGE adjustment (for both of us). 

Similar to @FMW and her boyfriend, we had no plans of ever moving in together.  We were quite content living apart.

We liked our "alone" time and did our own things during the week and got together on the weekend.  We'd send a daily e-mail to each other and if anything came up, she'd call me or I'd call her.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Annama said:

Would spending weekends be sufficient after 3 ,5 years together?

Perhaps 2-3 phone calls a week?

 

It is impossible to tailor a solution to every situation.

As far as spending time together is concerned, what you wrote seems reasonable.

I'm sure there are weekends though that you enjoy just having for yourself, no?

Does your boyfriend treat you well when you see him? Is he affectionate, open, and engaged with you? Or, when he is physically present, is he emotionally absent?

Whatever your answers are, do you think this is a realistic expectation given the current situation?

If you can't see past some of the issues raised, or you can't wait, you might wish to consider whether this relationship is worth staying in. If you cannot feel satisfied in the medium to long term, it may be time to call it a day and find someone who wants to spend more time with you.

Edited March 19, 2022 by Alpaca

[glows]

19 hours ago, Annama said:

If you are between 40- 50 how long would you date before living together?

Would spending weekends be sufficient after 3 ,5 years together?

Perhaps 2-3 phone calls a week?

Yes, this was me and it was not enough. We got closer during the weekend and quite distant during the week. For him this must have been good as never said a word. 

 

Please share your thoughts 

 

I reread the Feb 15 thread and it seems he was lukewarm about you and on his way out. You felt a general distance from him and it hurt you over time as you became more emotionally invested in the relationship. Blocking you for days with no word after an argument is extreme behaviour to me, especially if you were dating one another. He was looking for one more reason to end things.

What matters is you felt something was off about your last relationship and it ended for the best. I think it’s reasonable to want to join your lives together but how much depends on the couple. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by glows

[Annama]

5 hours ago, glows said:

I reread the Feb 15 thread and it seems he was lukewarm about you and on his way out. You felt a general distance from him and it hurt you over time as you became more emotionally invested in the relationship. Blocking you for days with no word after an argument is extreme behaviour to me, especially if you were dating one another. He was looking for one more reason to end things.

What matters is you felt something was off about your last relationship and it ended for the best. I think it’s reasonable to want to join your lives together but how much depends on the couple. 

This is true. Yes, he could go a few days without any contact and after arguments he could wait longer too. Sometimes he didnt respond to my nice messages and mind you I sent once a week if that...

But he was responding within seconds to everyone who sent him texts or jokes. Felt urgency to respond.

When we were alone, it was amazing. Never had one misunderstanding. We could talk or relax in silence. 

In gathering we walked in together and I barely saw him. He was frustrated that I wanted him to top up my drinks. He used to say,I can help myself. Maybe was right on that one.

On one of gathering, he re connected with his best friend cousin. She is 30 and married. A few months later I saw her name popped on his phone. I asked and he said they chat sometimes. I was surprised. Later that evening I asked if i should be concerned about this sudden friendship. He started screaming he knows her from where she was 10 etc that I am crazy. 

He was upset with me for a week or so. I was travelling back home following day and he didn't even asked me how was my flight. 

We did patch things up while I was away for a week. But then one evening he did not call me as promised as he was running late after work to meet up with his mates for a beer. 

So he didnt had a chance to call me. Hmm I called and when I heard this explanation I did indeed dropped the phone. I did.

The next day, I was flying back but again, he didn't even asked me if I landed...felt so lonely. He later said he was still upset about accusations of that young woman.

So yes, this break up had to happen...I see it. It hurts me deeply and I miss his smile, skin, smell etc. 

He enjoyed my company but when asked about future plans he said I cant promise anything...at least was honest and was not future faking 

I know he has a lot of vacations planned with his mates...they are all in his 50+ so he will be having time of his life ...

 

[FMW]

There were too many issues,  You can certainly do better.  

Not responding to your calls or texts,  telling you you're crazy for wondering about a female acquaintance, and frequent arguments and silent treatment are not acceptable.  

My guy and I will sometimes spend time apart at large social gatherings, but he chooses to check in with me often and he also makes sure I have  a drink. 

Acting right when the two of you were alone was easy.  How he treated you in relation to others showed a lack of care and respect.

I know it doesn't seem like it to you now, but you are well rid of him.  

[glows]

18 hours ago, Annama said:

This is true. Yes, he could go a few days without any contact and after arguments he could wait longer too. Sometimes he didnt respond to my nice messages and mind you I sent once a week if that...

But he was responding within seconds to everyone who sent him texts or jokes. Felt urgency to respond.

When we were alone, it was amazing. Never had one misunderstanding. We could talk or relax in silence. 

In gathering we walked in together and I barely saw him. He was frustrated that I wanted him to top up my drinks. He used to say,I can help myself. Maybe was right on that one.

On one of gathering, he re connected with his best friend cousin. She is 30 and married. A few months later I saw her name popped on his phone. I asked and he said they chat sometimes. I was surprised. Later that evening I asked if i should be concerned about this sudden friendship. He started screaming he knows her from where she was 10 etc that I am crazy. 

He was upset with me for a week or so. I was travelling back home following day and he didn't even asked me how was my flight. 

We did patch things up while I was away for a week. But then one evening he did not call me as promised as he was running late after work to meet up with his mates for a beer. 

So he didnt had a chance to call me. Hmm I called and when I heard this explanation I did indeed dropped the phone. I did.

The next day, I was flying back but again, he didn't even asked me if I landed...felt so lonely. He later said he was still upset about accusations of that young woman.

So yes, this break up had to happen...I see it. It hurts me deeply and I miss his smile, skin, smell etc. 

He enjoyed my company but when asked about future plans he said I cant promise anything...at least was honest and was not future faking 

I know he has a lot of vacations planned with his mates...they are all in his 50+ so he will be having time of his life ...

 

A person who wants to be with you won’t be evasive like this or ignore your messages.It sounds more like he had reservations about you for awhile and overreacted to the question about his friend’s cousin. Obviously it’s inappropriate if he’s bothered by your question and he never offered to introduce you to her or speak more about their conversations. Maybe she leans on him heavily as emotional support and he has no boundaries. Either way, why invest in a man like this. I’m glad you’re seeing this happened for the better. 

Take a much needed time out and re-evaluate what you want/need in a relationship. He can have the time of his life without you and that’s a bonus to you. Rejoice in the peace you have in your life without an evasive and noncommittal person.

[stillafool]

He was trying to let you go and that's why he wasn't showing any interest.  You shouldn't have got on him about his female cousin contacting him.  Some people are close with their cousins.  Still he wasn't very nice to you and it's good you're moving on from him.

[Annama]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

He was trying to let you go and that's why he wasn't showing any interest.  You shouldn't have got on him about his female cousin contacting him.  Some people are close with their cousins.  Still he wasn't very nice to you and it's good you're moving on from him.

Thank you. It was not his cousin only his best friend cousin. But yes, he certainly didnt appreciate my question.

Just like everyone advised on here, he had reservation and already checked out of the relationship. 

He probably reached a state that it was indifferent about the outcome. It hurts all the same.

Nothing worse than being with someone lukewarm.

Thank you 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, Annama said:

It was not his cousin only his best friend cousin.

Oh I see, his best friend's cousin, not yours.

Edited March 21, 2022 by stillafool

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Annama said:

Thank you. It was not his cousin only his best friend cousin. But yes, he certainly didnt appreciate my question.

Just like everyone advised on here, he had reservation and already checked out of the relationship. 

He probably reached a state that it was indifferent about the outcome. It hurts all the same.

Nothing worse than being with someone lukewarm.

Thank you 

When you feel someone pulling away, press pause too. You can choose to observe and take your time learning about someone. Do you feel he was lukewarm from early on or did it just start around your birthday? Be wary of issues with work or other aspects also, ie poor time management, unable to handle stress, etc. 

[Annama]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

When you feel someone pulling away, press pause too. You can choose to observe and take your time learning about someone. Do you feel he was lukewarm from early on or did it just start around your birthday? Be wary of issues with work or other aspects also, ie poor time management, unable to handle stress, etc. 

Actually, he was wonderful when he was with me. We were very attracted to each other and had the same, very healthy appetite when it comes to intimate life.

All was amazing when we were together during the weekends.

But from Monday to Friday,  I barely heard from him. This was rather consistent. He also didnt push for more time.

He looked for a new house but there was no talk about us both living there.

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Annama said:

Actually, he was wonderful when he was with me. We were very attracted to each other and had the same, very healthy appetite when it comes to intimate life.

All was amazing when we were together during the weekends.

But from Monday to Friday,  I barely heard from him. This was rather consistent. He also didnt push for more time.

He looked for a new house but there was no talk about us both living there.

 

Did you approach the topic of one day living together? How did he react if so? 

That your communication was so scarce during the week seems odd. I recall dating someone like that in my youth. It was a crappy romance in hindsight. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Annama said:

He looked for a new house but there was no talk about us both living there.

Why would there be? Do you need a place to stay? 

You were incompatible on many levels even if the sex was good.

Mostly about quality time together and communication. 

[Annama]

16 hours ago, glows said:

Did you approach the topic of one day living together? How did he react if so? 

That your communication was so scarce during the week seems odd. I recall dating someone like that in my youth. It was a crappy romance in hindsight. 

I did and he did once maybe...according to him, once we will stop argue over petty things, relationship will naturally get better and naturally we will progress to a next step i.e. living together 

I agreed but our petty arguments could be squashed within minutes. Instead, he always took long days to get over it so it seems like argued a lot. 

This was not the case in my humble opinion 

[Annama]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would there be? Do you need a place to stay? 

You were incompatible on many levels even if the sex was good.

Mostly about quality time together and communication. 

Not really. However, there was a time when my lease was ending last August and he didnt offer for me to move in with him. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Annama said:

I did and he did once maybe...according to him, once we will stop argue over petty things, relationship will naturally get better and naturally we will progress to a next step i.e. living together 

I agreed but our petty arguments could be squashed within minutes. Instead, he always took long days to get over it so it seems like argued a lot. 

This was not the case in my humble opinion 

Communication is very poor. That does tend to slowly degrade a relationship. 

It seems you might have been in denial about how poorly this relationship was overall. I understand you wanted to make it work and to progress it further. It doesn’t look like it was headed that way even then. 

[Annama]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Communication is very poor. That does tend to slowly degrade a relationship. 

It seems you might have been in denial about how poorly this relationship was overall. I understand you wanted to make it work and to progress it further. It doesn’t look like it was headed that way even then. 

Thank you . Yes, the NC allows to see things for they are...and yes, relationship was flawed. 

He didnt give himself fully and as a result I did not either.. sex , attraction, similar outlook and sense of humour kept us together. These were really great but overshadowed by lack of deeper commitment and a reservation, hesitation of some sorts. 

The bond we did build over the weekend, for me was not continues due to so little contact during the week.

He always said - it doesn't matter who calls who ..matters that we talk. 

Right, but we mainly spoke cause I called.

He also said - you can always call me day or night. 

Right but its not about me driving this. 

Ehhh

 

 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Annama said:

Thank you . Yes, the NC allows to see things for they are...and yes, relationship was flawed. 

He didnt give himself fully and as a result I did not either.. sex , attraction, similar outlook and sense of humour kept us together. These were really great but overshadowed by lack of deeper commitment and a reservation, hesitation of some sorts. 

The bond we did build over the weekend, for me was not continues due to so little contact during the week.

He always said - it doesn't matter who calls who ..matters that we talk. 

Right, but we mainly spoke cause I called.

He also said - you can always call me day or night. 

Right but its not about me driving this. 

Ehhh

He may be used to being chased or doesn’t know how to date. You have a good understanding of why it didn’t work.

Now you know what to look for in a partner, not to spend your energy catering to someone who doesn’t put in equal efforts.

[Annama]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

He may be used to being chased or doesn’t know how to date. You have a good understanding of why it didn’t work.

Now you know what to look for in a partner, not to spend your energy catering to someone who doesn’t put in equal efforts.

Not easy. I love him and hard to imagine be with someone else.

I left him while I loved him deeply. People dont usually leave when are in love. They trying to work things out. But he didn't give me another choice, I feel. Sent a few text messages to ask if I was sure of what I am doing. He watched me leaving with bags. He could do more 

So here I am. One day it will get better. 

 

[glows]

45 minutes ago, Annama said:

Not easy. I love him and hard to imagine be with someone else.

I left him while I loved him deeply. People dont usually leave when are in love. They trying to work things out. But he didn't give me another choice, I feel. Sent a few text messages to ask if I was sure of what I am doing. He watched me leaving with bags. He could do more 

So here I am. One day it will get better. 

 

Maybe or maybe not. There is a demographic of people who leave while still in love knowing that a relationship is no longer functional. Whether or not they try is another matter but no judgment on you for lack of trying. 

I agree with you that it’s very painful. What’s more painful though is being in this for many more years to come and more attachments like children or owning property and it being much harder. 

You seem to be looking for him to put in more effort to the end. 

Edited March 22, 2022 by glows